


All Roads Lead Back To You

by Phoebsfan



Series: All Roads Lead Back To You [2]
Category: Lost
Genre: F/M, Post Series
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-05-26
Updated: 2017-06-11
Packaged: 2017-12-25 03:49:29
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 34
Words: 169,788
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/948286
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Phoebsfan/pseuds/Phoebsfan
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Two years later. What they'll live for. <span class="small"><em>Some days it felt like just yesterday. But on days like this one, when watching Aaron with his mother, it felt like a lifetime ago. </em></span>  Massive chapter dump 6/8/17  If you've been reading on ffnet ch32 till the end are new.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. A New Life

 

 

* * *

 

 

_ Take back the city for yourself tonight _

_ I'll take back the city for me _  
_ Take back the city for yourself tonight _  
_ Whoa _

_ God knows you put your life into it's hands _  
_ And it's both cradled you and crushed _  
_ But now it's time to make your own demands _  
_ Whoa _

_ All these years later and it's killing me _  
_ Your broken records and words _  
_ Ten thousand craters where it all should be _  
_ Whoa _

_ No need to put your words into my mouth _  
_ Don't need convincing at all _  
_ I love this place enough to have no doubt _  
_ Whoa _

_ It's a mess _  
_ It's a start _  
_ It's a flawed work of art _  
_ Your city, your call _  
_ Every crack, every wall _  
_ Pick a side, pick a fight _  
_ Get your epitaph right _  
_ You can sing til you drop _  
_ Cause the fun just never stops _

_ I love this city tonight _  
_ I love this city always _  
_ It bears it's teeth like a light _  
_ And spits me out after days _  
_ But were all gluttons for it _  
_ We know what's wrong and it's right _  
_ For every time it's been hit _  
_ Take back the city tonight _

 -Take Back the City

_Snow Patrol_

* * *

"Higher!" He demanded and she smiled. The crisp autumn air teased a dark curl across her forehead and she swiped it from her face.

"Auntie Kate is getting tired." Claire giggled from the swing next to her son.

She wasn't. She could push him all day if it meant hearing his voice. It wasn't often she had the opportunity. Not since she moved out, and left Claire to care for her son on her own.

"And I think it's getting too cold to stay out any longer." Claire stated and Kate grabbed the swing to slow it.

It had been necessary. She'd known all along that one day she would have to back out of their lives. That it would be confusing and hard for Aaron to stop calling her Mommy. To get used to Claire. But she'd known when she went back, that her time with Aaron was coming to a close.

It didn't mean she didn't miss him fiercely at night when her house was empty and the shadows played across her bedroom wall. Silence filling her days and loneliness shrouding her nights.

But he deserved the best, and despite Claire's initial hesitation, she was the best thing for him. It constantly amazed Kate just how resilient Claire was. Some days she didn't even remember there was a time when Aaron's safety in her care may have been questioned.

She took comfort in knowing that no one else could love Aaron more. That if she couldn't be the one tucking him in at night, Claire was.

"Mommy." He whined and Claire huffed and rolled her eyes in a show of affection, causing the little boy to giggle.

"Your mom is right." Kate leaned over the swing and whispered loudly enough for Claire to hear. "Maybe if you're good, she'll let me take you guys out for ice cream."

Aaron hopped down off the swing and ran over to his mother. He put his little hands on her knees and turned that adorable grin up at her.

"Puhlease Mom. I'll be extra good."

Claire chuckled and turned to face Kate.

"You spoil him." Kate smiled and tugged her leather jacket closer as the wind picked up. It was really too cold for ice cream, but she knew that their time was quickly coming to a close and she wanted to extend it if she could.

Claire was kind, letting her come and visit often. She'd been told when she moved out, that their home was always open to her. But Kate knew that even Claire's kindness only went so far and it was hard not to step on her toes at times.

"That's what aunts are for." She smiled and turned the same grin Aaron was using, as he bounced up and down on his heels in impatience, on Claire as well.

"Please." She added for good measure.

It had been two years.

Two years since they'd found their way back to L.A. and off of that island.

Some days it felt like just yesterday. But on days like this one, when watching Aaron with his mother, it felt like a lifetime ago. She didn't want any of these precious moments to pass. Knew all to well how easily they could be taken from her.

"Alright." Claire gave in. Not that she'd really been fighting the idea. Claire had a particular weakness for Rocky Road that Kate wasn't above exploiting.

Aaron jumped up and down, waving his arms.

"Yay! Ice cream! Ice Cream!" He chanted as he ran around the corner of the house on his way to the car. Kate started after him.

"You should bring me back some Rocky Road." Claire said softly as she stood up. Kate turned to face her.

"You aren't coming?" She hated herself for hoping that she might have a moment alone with him. It was wrong. Claire was his mother. She shouldn't hope for the opportunity to pretend. Yet she still did. Still wanted to scoop him up in her arms and hold him close to her chest, rub her nose against his silky hair and breath him in.

"It's been almost a month since you've stopped by." Claire observed and Kate turned her head away, suddenly finding intense interest in a car that drove by.

"I've been busy." She lied easily as she started toward the front of the house again, Claire following. She'd been busy alright. Busy missing them both. Busy pretending to work at her new job to fill the hours. She still had more than enough money from the Oceanic settlement to see her well into retirement. Even after she'd given a large chunk of it to Claire and Aaron. But her new little house was quiet and there was no one to take care of. So she found a miserable job, at a miserable diner, waiting tables like her mother.

She was going to be more. Do more. Not get trapped into an unhealthy relationship.

Well at least she'd done the last.

Somehow though, she wondered if alone was any better.

"It's ok, you know." Claire put a hand on Kate's shoulder to halt her. "You love him. I understand that. You don't have to hide from us."

Oh, but she did. Her whole world shouldn't revolve around a six year old. She needed hobbies, and friends, and once in awhile a date would probably be a good thing too. She couldn't set her life on a shelf because she wanted to play 'Auntie Kate.'

"I know. I'm not. It's just that... It's hard, you know."

It was hard, unbelievably hard. To go through every day knowing that this was the rest of her life. A little boy she could never hold and an emptiness that consumed her.

And somewhere... a man who...

Claire smiled and pulled her in for a hug.

"It's been two years, Sweetie. You should look him up."

Kate smiled.

It was a pastime of theirs. Claire liked to tease her every now and again. Saying that there was a reason both of them made it off that island.

But that's all it ever was. She couldn't look him up, she couldn't ruin his life anymore than she already had. He deserved better. He'd loved Juliet. He needed his space.

That didn't mean a part of her didn't ache for his friendship again though. Or sometimes entertain thoughts of how different their lives could have been.

She wondered sometimes if he were to walk back into her life, if she'd just pick up where they'd left off, or if too much time and space had come between them. Their lives were so different now, so ordinary. Not that wondering mattered. He wasn't going to walk back into her life. They'd parted two years ago with a hug and a brief, "Catch you around." Both of them knowing they wouldn't.

She remembered crying that night. Huddled in the corner of the shower, the warm water pelting her skin as she sobbed for what felt like hours. Remembered wishing that he was there to hold her, he was always the best source of comfort in those kind of situations.

Of all the things she missed about him, it was his arms around her that she still feels on her skin. Its ghost still haunting her with its embrace. Sometimes when she couldn't sleep she would stand by her window, arms wrapped tightly around herself, phone a few feet away. Holding herself back from calling.

Though she didn't have his number, or any real way to contact him, she was still afraid that her desperation to feel something again would somehow result in his voice on the other end of the line.

His soft, 'Freckles,' whispered in her ear. God, she missed that.

"Says the woman who hasn't had a date in how long?" Kate teased back, trying to deflect the conversation. She knew how difficult it was to date as a single mom. But still she hoped Claire could find someone who would treat her right. No one deserved to be alone.

They rounded the corner of the house to be greeted by an impatient Aaron.

"Come on Aunt Kate." He grabbed her hand and tugged impatiently, his little fingers warm and sticky. Always sticky. She missed that.

"Nope. Won't work. I've been meaning to ask you if you have plans tomorrow night. It seems I find myself in need of a sitter."

"Really?" Kate stopped and Aaron let go of her hand and wrapped his arms around her waist, he'd started school this past September and was quickly gaining inches. His father must have been tall, she mused idly.

Claire blushed and nodded her head in the direction of the next house over. Her neighbor, Ian, was a widower with a three year old daughter. His wife had died in childbirth and he'd been dancing around Claire since they'd moved in six months ago. Claire watched his little girl during the day when he was at work.

"Really."

Well good for them. It was about time he made his move. Kate had been debating on whether or not she should give them both a push, for awhile. It was good to see she wouldn't have to. Though she could understand Claire's hesitation at entering the dating pool again, there was nothing more that she wanted for her friend than happiness and she was sure that Ian could give that to her.

Sensing that his guardians were ignoring him. Aaron chose that moment to break back into their conversation.

"Can we puhleease go get Ice Cream now?" He stared up at her with his most pathetic face and Kate tried not to laugh at his imagined tragedy. How dare they make him wait?

"I thought you were going to be extra good?" She teased instead.

"Oh get out of here." Claire shoved Kate's shoulder playfully.

"Yes Ma'am." She retorted, then reached down and scooped up Aaron, throwing him over her shoulder, noting that pretty soon she wasn't going to be able to do that anymore without breaking her back. He shrieked in delight, and she knew she'd keep doing it as long as possible just to hear the delight in his voice, regardless of if it broke her back or not. She jogged the remaining few feet to the car and set him on the ground as she opened the back door and helped him in.

"We'll be back in a little bit." She called over her shoulder then got in the car herself.

"Wave to Mommy." She said as she backed out of the driveway and offered a quick wave to Claire.

"Bye Mom!" Aaron called out from behind her.

Yeah, life was good.

 

 

 

 

* * *


	2. A New Role

 

 

 

  _Is this all we get to be absolute?_

_Quiet, but I'm sure there is something here. _

_ Tell me everything, cause I want to hear. _

_ All we are and all we want _

_ 40 years come and gone _

_ All we are in photographs _

_ Will never be taken _

_ Quiet, but I'm sure there is something here. _

_ Tell me everything, cause I want you here. _

 

Absolute

_-The Fray_

 

 

* * *

He watched as she stood and debated what flavor she wanted this time. For the life of him he never thought he would be standing in an ice cream shop and waiting for his daughter to make up her mind. It still caught him off guard sometimes.

She bit her bottom lip and tapped her toe to some music only she could hear. He knew not to rush her, and fully enjoyed watching her dilemma. If only all of life's problems were as easy as ice cream consumption. In a few years she'd wish she could go back to picking ice cream flavors. He couldn't believe how fast she was growing and how much he had missed.

It wouldn't be long before there were boyfriends and fights with her mother. Cass already claimed she got his temper, though he had yet to see it. She liked her opinions well enough, and what kid doesn't try to get around the rules.

He smirked to himself. She was going to be a nightmare as a teenager, and he was going to love every moment of it. Especially since he almost never got the chance.

To say that Cassidy had been hesitant to let him into her life again, was an understatement. He knew she would have slammed the door on his face if not for Kate. Something she'd said, had softened Cassidy's heart and convinced her to give him a shot at the whole Dad thing. He was grateful everyday for it. Even if Kate never knew just what she had done.

Still with Kate's ringing endorsement things hadn't been easy on that front. It had taken him a year of weekly visits but he finally got Cass to approve the occasional weekend trip, and even then he thought it might have more to do with her new husband than with her trust in his abilities to be a good parent. Either way was fine with him if it meant he got to spend more time with his baby girl, who wouldn't be such a baby for very much longer.

He watched as she shifted her weight to the other foot. Cass said she was already trying to grow up. She had asked her mother for makeup and recently told her she was too old for dolls. Yet the purple teddy bear he had surprised her with when he drove down to pick her up for the weekend looked perfectly content locked under one arm. She'd grown so much in just one year, he could mark each little change in her with each stop here.

She'd traded her jeans and character t-shirt for a cute little skirt with brightly colored leggings and a plain colored tee. Her beat up tennis shoes, the only sign of the tomboy hidden underneath. She was going to be a heart breaker when she grew up.

He remembered the first time he'd picked her up for the weekend, he had been so nervous he'd nearly turned the car back around. He didn't know anything about taking care of a kid, and he had been afraid he would screw the whole thing up. When they had driven by the old fashioned ice cream shop, Clem had begged him to stop. So he had and they'd spent the afternoon trying a little bit of each flavor, sitting at the counter her feet swinging back and forth in girlish delight. She'd spent the evening with a stomachache and he'd quickly learned when to say no. He had also learned just how awful it felt to be helpless when she was hurt or sad. Still despite everything, they stopped on their way into town every time.

Which was how they found themselves once again in the age old debate of what flavor to choose. He had lost track of how many times they'd visited, but she never could decide what flavor she wanted. He teased that, that was what happened with too much of a good thing.

You could never get enough.

He quickly found out that applied to his daughter as well.

He had even considered moving closer, but something held him back every time. He tried not to think too hard about what that might be. For now he could live with the phone calls and visits and thankfully they had relocated to just outside of Phoenix when Cassidy had remarried. He didn't miss the eleven hour drive to Albuquerque.

Juliet had wanted kids; it had never been something he'd wanted. He never could decide if he was just afraid of giving her more. He had held on to that ring for months, the time just never right. Just worked up the courage to ask when everyone came back. Part of him was glad he never had a kid with her. It would have made losing her that much worse, and he had been in no shape to care for a child back then. It had been hard enough adapting to Clementine and she didn't even live in the same state.

"Picked your poison yet, Princess?" He asked and leaned over to put his hands on her shoulders as she eyed the different tubs of ice cream through the glass.

"Nnnnoo. I can't pick. You pick." She tugged on one of her pigtails and shifted to the opposite foot.

He smiled. This was also part of their tradition.

"Well, I know you like the one with the cookie dough in it." He smirked and tugged one of her ponytails.

"Eww Dad, that's gross. You know I don't like that one." She stuck her lip out, stomped a foot, and swatted his hand away.

"Really? I thought that was your favorite. Too bad that's all we have at home." He knew it wasn't her favorite and his freezer was stocked with strawberry, her actual favorite, but she got so serious about it every time that he couldn't resist teasing her. "I guess I'll just have to eat it all myself."

She turned around and put her hands on her hips.

"Dad, I don't know how many times I have to tell you." She spoke down to him, slowly as if he needed her to explain herself more clearly. God, he loved that little girl. "I DO NOT like that one. It's gross!" She finished in a huff.

He smiled, grabbed her around her waist, and tossed her in the air.

"DAD!" She squealed in delight, her dimples flashing, her new teddy bear slipping to the ground. She squirmed in his arms trying to get free.

"You dropped, Edward!"

"Who is Edward?" He asked and set her down so that he wouldn't drop her in her desperate attempt to liberate herself.

Bending over to pick up her fallen toy she answered with more than a little annoyance in her voice.

"This." She held up her new toy and brushed off the imaginary debris he'd failed to actually accumulate in his fall. "... is Edward."

He took the bear from her and flipped it over, pretending to inspect it for damage.

"Why Edward?"

"Well Mandy says that Edward is better than Jacob." She snatched the toy back and hugged it to her chest.

"Oh, well if Mandy says so..."

Mandy was Clem's eleven year old neighbor and Clem worshiped the ground she walked on.

"She says that Edward is soooo roomantic." He tried not to laugh as she got a far away look on her face and rubbed her cheek against the toy.

A look of confusion replaced her dreamy expression.

"Daddy, what does roomantic mean?" She was far too young to be asking those kinds of questions, he wasn't sure he approved of this Mandy character.

"It's like when your Mom and Phillip kiss." He forced out.

"Ew... that's disgusting. Maybe he's not Edward then." He couldn't contain the laugh that time.

He scooped her up again, careful not to dislodge, Edward-or not Edward- this time, and placed her on his shoulders.

"Ok Kiddo, you going with strawberry this time?" He asked as her free hand wrapped around his forehead.

"Yup!" She squeaked as he walked up to the counter to place their order, his hands on her knees to keep her seated. He ordered their food and paid, then set her back on the ground and handed her a strawberry cone.

"Oooh can we sit in the spinney chairs? Puhlease?"

She loved spinning around on the barstools that sat in front of the counter. She told him once that her mom always made her sit in the 'boring chairs.' He'd asked Cassidy later what the 'boring chairs' were and she'd laughed and asked him what the spinney chairs were.

"Are there any other kind of chairs?" She skipped over to two empty barstools and placed her bear on one of them then tried to scramble up the other. He watched her try to figure out what to do with her ice cream cone as she climbed.

"Want help?" He asked as he reached her.

"No. I'm a big girl." She answered and stared at the stool as if it held the answers to all of life's questions.

She was definitely his, stubborn to a fault. He picked up the bear and set it on the counter then sat down on the stool next to her and took a bite out of his sundae, waiting for her to admit defeat.

"Yum. Your ice cream is gonna melt before you get up."

"No, it isn't." She chirped and then noticed he was eating his ice cream. "No fair. Mom says you are suppose to wait till everyone has their food to eat. It's rude not to." She raised an eyebrow at him and put her free hand on her hip.

"You got yours. Ain't my fault you can't get up." He teased and made a show of taking another bite.

"Can too! I can do it all by myself too!"

She pouted for a minute then smiled.

"Daddy..." She put on her sweetest smile, her voice like an angel. "Will you hold this for me, please?" She asked and held out her ice cream cone.

Like he couldn't tell when she was trying to manipulate him. His little con artist.

"Of course, Sweetie."

He took the ice cream cone from her outstretched hand and she climbed up the stool and sat down, kicking the bar below her feet as she swung them. Her smile turning into a crooked little smirk as she crossed her arms and gave him an 'I told you so' look.

"Well, look at that."

"See."

He licked her ice cream cone.

"HEY! That's mine!" He laughed and handed it back to her.

"Daddy Tax." He explained.

She glared at him, like he had just killed her best friend.

"I don't like Daddy Tax." She grumbled and licked her ice cream cone, getting ice cream all over her face.

"No one likes taxes, Princess." He patted her head, tugged her pigtail, and offered her a napkin. She shook her head at the napkin offer and continued to eat her ice cream, ignoring him. Punishment for the Daddy tax, he noted.

"I'll tell you what though... This is way too much ice cream for me... so you better have some of mine too." He held out his spoon with ice cream on it as a peace offering. She giggled and opened her mouth for the ice cream.

"So... What do you want to do this weekend?" He asked as she swallowed her ice cream and she seemed to ponder the question for only a minute before answering.

"The zoo!" He chuckled and wiped at her chin with a napkin, catching the ice cream before it dripped onto her clothes.

"We went to the zoo last time, don't you want to do something else?"

She shook her head no.

Her mother had warned him that he would never hear the end of it if he took her to the zoo. She had developed a love for animals lately. He thought it might have something to do with Mandy's new kitten. He remembered the entire hour spent on their drive listening to all its good points. How soft it was. How cute. How she needed a kitten too. Personally he was always a dog person, and he thought he might be able to win Clem over to them too. He had been kind of lonely as of late and getting a dog might not be such a bad idea. There were too many hours in the day.

Hurley had left him some money... technically he had left them all some money... Well a lot of money. How he had known to write them into his will was beyond Sawyer's understanding. But then there had been an awful lot about that island that defied explanation. He wasn't going to question it. But even if he was set for life, he had decided that the idle life wasn't for him.

It left way too much time to think about things that hurt.

So he had tried his hand at numerous different things. Nothing really stuck. He'd spent some time doing construction, and while he liked the physical aspects of it, it didn't keep his mind occupied enough. The same went for his brief gig as a mechanic. Truck driver also wasn't for him. Currently he found himself writing, though it would never get published. Dropouts usually didn't. Besides it was semi autobiographical, even if that hadn't been his intention, and he wasn't so much into sharing. It did kill time, though.

He knew he was stuck in a rut. He knew he needed things to change. That was why he had recently started going out again. It had been two years and part of him would probably always love Juliet, but she would have wanted him to live again. He wanted to live again. He just hadn't found anyone to live with.

Sometimes he thought about calling her. About picking up the phone and waiting for her to pick up. Hearing her voice again. Seeing her smile and the freckles that dotted her cheeks and shoulders. It would be so nice to share a drink, catch up.

But he couldn't really do that. He had no idea where she ended up. Knowing her she had probably already found some other guy, and he didn't really want to play second fiddle again. He often hoped that she had at least found some kind of happiness. He knew that she would have Claire and Aaron, and maybe that was all she really needed in the end.

He hoped so, because try as he might to forget or deny it. He still felt guilty about disappearing from her life like he had.

The sound of the door opening drew his eyes to a little blond boy and his mother. She was carrying him on her hip, even though it was clear he was too big to be carried, sunglasses covering her eyes. Her dark curly hair tossed over her shoulder blocking half of her face.

The little boy's arms were wrapped around her neck, and Sawyer watched her as she placed a kiss on the boy's forehead. He knew how she felt. Somehow it made nothing else matter. Just the little kid in your arms.

"So. If not Edward, what are you going to name him?" Sawyer asked as he turned his attention back to his daughter. Her ice cream cone mostly on her face and clothes.

"I don't know. Maybe you should name him." She shrugged and bit into her cone, her attention on her ice cream once more. Concentration written in her little brow as she licked ice cream off of her arm.

"Hmmm... Bob?"

She shook her head no.

"Carl."

Again he got a no, and this time her famous 'icky' face accompanied it.

"Joe."

"You are no good at this." She simply stated, then leaned over and grabbed his spoon, helping herself to his ice cream and almost toppling off of the stool. He grabbed her waist and pulled her onto his lap... She was too big for him to be holding too.

He took the remains of her ice cream cone from her and relinquished his ice cream. This too was part of the tradition.

"Well, I never learned how to name stuffed animals."

She looked up at him and placed a sticky hand on his cheek.

"You don't learn how to name them, Silly. You just name them."

The mother and son, sat at a booth across the way. Her back to him, he watched as she removed her sunglasses and licked her ice cream cone. The little boy happily dug into his sundae, alternating between kneeling on the bench and sitting with his feet swinging. She reached across the table and tweaked his nose and he giggled.

"I tried that, Darling. You didn't like any of my suggestions." He kissed her forehead.

She placed both of her hands on his cheeks this time and leaned in to whisper.

"I'm sorry Dad... but they were really stupid."

"I'll give you stupid." He tickled her and she shrieked and squirmed. "You done?"

She looked back at the empty cup.

"Yup."

She started to climb down and he held himself in check, knowing if he helped her he would feel her wrath and probably pay for it with another trip to the zoo. Instead he gathered their trash and picked up her bear.

When her feet hit the ground she held her arms up for the teddy bear. He handed it to her and grabbed her free hand on their way to the door.

The little boy at the table across the room looked up and promptly dropped his spoon of ice cream on his lap at the distraction. His face started to screw up into a frown... He knew that face, if she didn't act soon there would be tears. She knew that too and quickly stood up and knelt in the aisle next to the boy cleaning the ice cream from the boy's lap as they passed behind her.

"See. All better."

He froze.

She stood.

"Dad. Come on, let's go." Clementine pulled at his hand, but he couldn't move. He knew that voice.

She turned.

He was right behind her and she jumped in surprise, then stilled in shock.

"Sawyer."

He smiled.

God, it felt surprisingly good to see her.

"Freckles."


	3. An Old Friend

 

_You disappear with all your good intentions._

_And all I am is all I could not mention._

_Like who will bring me flowers when its over?_

_And who will give me comfort when it's cold?_

 

_She took a plane to somewhere out in space._

_To start a life and maybe change the world._

_See I never meant for you to have to crawl._

_No I never meant to let you go at all._

 

_Oh no, Oh no. Don't ever say goodbye._

 

_See my head aches from all this thinkin'._

_Feels like a ship. God, God knows I'm sinkin'._

_Wonder what you do, and where it is you stay?_

_These questions like a whirlwind, they carry me away._

 

_And I said who will bring me flowers when it's over?_

_And who will give me comfort when it's cold?_

_And who will I belong to when the day just won't give in?_

_And who will tell me how it ends, and how it all begins?_

 

_Oh, oh, oh love. Yeah. Don't ever say goodbye._

 

_I said, I'm only human. I said I'm only human..._

 

Flowers For A Ghost

_-Thriving Ivory_

 

 

 

She couldn't believe he was standing in front of her, and then without thinking she had wrapped her arms around him. He buried his face in her dark curls, breathed her in, disbelieving what he saw. Needing that physical contact just as much as she did.

 

“Oh my God.” She whispered and found that he had in turn wrapped his arms around her waist. He pulled her closer for a fraction of a second, that lump of emotion threatening in his throat.

 

“Not exactly.” He teased to break the spell, her body warm against his.

 

“How have you been?” She asked, as she pulled back ever so slightly, her hands on his shoulders. The years had been kind, but his eyes still held a trace of that sadness. That ever present reminder of why she had never picked up the phone.

 

His eyes wandered up and down her body, taking her in like a parched man. She looked just as amazing as ever, but there was a darkness she tried to hold back from him. Her smile not as large, her voice not as light.

 

“I'm ok.” He smiled, that famous smirk of his. The one that she couldn't help answering with a grin of her own. She chuckled and shook her head in disbelief. This was what had been missing. In her lonely little life, his presence banished the ugliness for awhile. Why did he always make her feel better? What was it about his hands on her waist, or that knowing look, that always lit up the dark corners of her heart?

 

“Dad?” Clem tugged at his pants and he released Kate to attend to his daughter. Keeping her in the corner of his eye, as if he was afraid she'd vanish. Seeing her again reminded him once more. That life was still out there. It was written in her freckles; the sun rose every morning, and he really needed to get back into the game.

 

“I see you've been busy.” Kate smirked and Aaron tugged on her shirt from behind.

 

“Auntie Kate?” She turned to look at Aaron and saw that the look of confusion on his face matched the one on Clementine's. She could see each child try and place the familiar faces. “You remember Clem, don't you Aaron?”

 

It had been two or more years since she had stopped in and visited Cassidy, their friendship having fallen by the wayside when she had been confronted with the possibilities that Cassidy offered for why she had kept Aaron, and then with her leaving for the island. When they had come back... Well, she didn't want to step on Claire's toes, and it had been hard enough explaining to the boy that she wasn't his mother.

 

Clem's face lit up upon Kate's words, matching Aaron's understanding and excitement.

 

“Auntie Kate!” Clem threw her arms around Kate's stomach and squeezed. Kate laughed. “Guess what?” She pulled back and grabbed Kate's hand. “This is my daddy! Daddy, this is Auntie Kate, and my friend, Aaron. We used to play together all the time.” Aaron climbed down from the booth and bounced up and down next to Clementine, her excitement contagious.

 

“We know each other actually.” Kate smiled, her eyes locked on Sawyer's.

 

“Yup Princess, Freckles and I go way back.” He smiled, his eyes teasing hers right back.

 

Aaron tugged on Kate's free hand, dragging her down to his level.

 

“What should I call him?” Aaron whispered and pointed. Kate smiled to herself, sadly. The poor little guy, didn't want to know who Sawyer was in relation to him, as much as he wanted to know what to call him. She supposed that was her fault. It had been confusing for him to find out that she wasn't his mother, and to switch to Auntie Kate. Now he always asked, and every time he did it hurt and reminded her of the guilt. She hoped one day to forgive herself for what she had done to him.

 

Sawyer overheard his question and noted the almost pained smile on Kate's face. He wondered just what the dynamic was between the two of them. When she had first walked in, he had not questioned her as his mother. But knowing some of the circumstances now... God, if anyone took Clem from him...

 

He suddenly had an all new respect for the woman in front of him.

 

Bending over to Aaron's level he ruffled the small boy's hair.

 

“How about you just call me, Sawyer?” He asked, taking the pressure from Kate's shoulders. She smiled in gratitude and Aaron scrunched up his nose in an adorable little grin.

 

“Kay.” He murmured suddenly shy.

 

“You guys live in the area?” Sawyer asked as he stood again, and Kate also straightened her form. Aaron climbed back up on the seat and slid to the window, pulling his ice cream with him.

 

“Claire and Aaron, live just around the corner. I have a little place a few blocks further.” She stepped aside as Clem scrambled past her and climbed up on the bench seat next to Aaron. Sawyer watched Kate's eyes follow the two kids. Clem was showing Aaron her new toy.

 

He could hear the pain in Kate's words. It must have killed her to leave the two of them alone. She wouldn't meet his eyes, which said plenty. A few years ago she wouldn't have made the distinction.

 

He watched as Clem tried to explain to Aaron the whole naming thing. To his credit the little boy appeared to be interested in the topic.

 

Kate stood suddenly silent, awkwardly tugging at her sleeve. She was wearing a soft green shirt, much like the one she had on all those years ago when he had conned her into that kiss. It made her eyes and freckles stand out, he thought idly as the sun streamed through the window and danced off her skin, leaving her with that familiar warm glow.

 

He didn't know what to say to her. In all the years, after everything they had been through, nothing seemed right for this moment. So instead he monitored her out of the corner of his eye as she picked up a napkin and wiped at Aaron's chin. The boy turned his head away from her and she let it go, crumpled the napkin in her hand, then smoothed it out again.

 

“What about you?” Kate finally tossed over her shoulder in his general direction.

 

It hurt too. Standing next to him, not knowing if tomorrow this would all be but a memory. If he would disappear just as easily this time.

 

He wore a leather jacket over a faded gray tee, some random print snaking up the side. Reminding her of that time on the beach when he'd given her a 'mix' tape, making her smile sweetly at the memory. She watched him out of the corner of her eye as he stepped up beside her, his hand hanging quietly next to hers. Close enough to feel his body heat dancing against her skin, making the butterflies in her stomach swarm.

 

“Not too far from here. Clem stays with her mom most of the time though.” He answered. She crumpled the napkin again.

 

“Kind of a long drive isn't it?”

 

He picked at some imaginary piece of lint on Clem's shirt.

 

“Cass, moved to Phoenix a while back,” he shrugged. “...and it's worth it.”

 

She smoothed the napkin out again.

 

He shifted closer.

 

She shied away.

 

“I know.” She murmured, a frown tracing the edges of her lips. Part of him wanted to touch her shoulder. Offer comfort. She always did have that ability. It was nice to know some things never changed.

 

“Mandy also says that boys don't have cooties... but I'm not sure I believe her... Auntie Kate?” Clem turned her attention to Kate and Kate immediately lit up again. It was amazing, the game she played. He figured that every moment with Aaron must have been some kind of inner hell, knowing she had to leave him with his mother at the end of the day. But she never let him see that. He knew she was good at playing pretend, he just never thought she could be so content to do it.

 

He supposed he would do the same though. Hell, he did do it to some extent. Every time he had to take Clem home was torturous. He couldn't imagine what it would be like if she started calling Cassidy's new husband, Dad.

 

“I don't know, Clem. I think your dad might know more about boy cooties than I do.”

 

“Thanks.” He muttered under his breath and Kate laughed. Clementine seemed to ponder her words for a minute before turning to her father.

 

“Well?” She asked.

 

“Yes, until you are thirty all boys have cooties.” He simply stated. Clementine seemed to accept this.

 

“Do I have cooties? What is a cootie?” Aaron seemed rather concerned at the thought and Kate slid into the booth and took one of his hands in hers.

 

“No Baby, you don't have cooties. Little boys don't get cooties.” She tried to comfort him.

 

“But I'm a big boy.” He insisted, now clearly concerned. Kate quirked an eyebrow at Sawyer, fully expecting him to clean up the mess he had made.

 

“So you are.” Sawyer stated, then cocked his head to one side and pretended to study the little boy. “Stick out your tongue.” He continued.

 

Sawyer slid into the booth next to Kate and leaned over, invading her space. He put his hand on Aaron's chin and turned the little boy's head so he could look into his mouth.

 

“What do you think, Auntie Kate? Do you see any cooties?” He turned his head, to face her as he spoke. For a heart stopping second, she didn't respond, distracted by the distance between his lips and her nose. The arm closest to her had wrapped around the back of the bench so he could reach Aaron's chin more easily with his other hand. Trapping her between his arms. If she just leaned a little closer...

 

No. She shook her head, forcing the memories away.

 

“Nope.” She choked out, then swallowed and composed herself. “Nope, no cooties.”

 

“You must be pretty special.” Sawyer agreed. “I think it's safe to say if you don't have them by now, you're not going to get them.” His voice serious. Aaron smiled and sat back as Sawyer pulled his hand back and removed his arm from behind her. The silence returned.

 

Why couldn't he just talk to her? He had a million questions to ask her. Why couldn't she just look at him? It would make him feel a lot less guilty. And why did he feel guilty anyway? He wasn't the only one who never called.

 

If she would just look at him.

 

She was so stupid. Did she really think that they could just fall back into step? What did she even want from him? She was doing perfectly fine. So then why couldn't she look him in the eye? Why did she think he would see everything written there? Why did it matter?

 

It's not like he would be staying around. She couldn't let him in, not until she knew. If he left again...

 

“Dad?” Clementine interrupted their silent test of wills. “Can we go play on the swings?”

 

There was a small park across the street; depending on the weather, he sometimes took her there after their ice cream stop. It was a little cold outside, but he didn't want to leave yet. They all had jackets and would be fine for a little while anyway.

 

“Aunt Kate?” He asked as she finally met his eyes, surprised at what he saw in them. She simply nodded. He looked away quickly.

 

Too much. Maybe he didn't want to see that much. Fear. She was afraid of something.

 

He quickly slid out of the booth and helped Clem and then Aaron down as Kate gathered their trash.

 

“Put your jacket on.” She told Aaron who had started to run for the door without it.

 

“Slow down.” Sawyer cautioned as Clem nearly ran into the closed door.

 

Kate handed Aaron's jacket to Sawyer, then went to throw their trash away. He helped Aaron into his jacket as Clem tapped her foot impatiently by the door. Kate returned to his side and took Aaron's hand. Sawyer opened the door for Clem and held it as Kate and Aaron trailed through.

 

“Hands.” Kate called out as Clem approached the street. She huffed and stopped waiting for the adults to catch up, then impatiently stuck her hand up to grab Kate's before crossing the street.

 

“She's yours alright.” Kate joked. Sawyer smiled unapologetically.

 

“Well, that little guy has got to be the most mellow tyke I've ever seen. Clearly Claire's.” Kate's smile faded and she looked away, finding interest in something off in the distance.

 

Good going. He was such an idiot sometimes. She had always brought _that_ out in him too.

 

They crossed into the park and Kate let go of the kid's hands as they ran toward the playground equipment. Aaron tumbled and she started toward him but Sawyer held her back, his arm in front of her.

 

“He's got it.” Sawyer said softly, and sure enough, Aaron quickly picked himself back up and ran to join Clem. Sawyer pulled his arm back and Kate bit her lip.

 

“I know... It's just...” It was impossible to express to someone who didn't know. How every time he fell she just wanted to pull him into her arms and kiss away his injuries, imagined or not.

 

“I know.” His voice was low and soothing.

 

Kate turned to look at him. He smiled sadly. He did know. If anyone knew what it was like, it was him. She couldn't imagine what he had to go through every time he brought his daughter home. How he could drive back without her. Knowing that if anything happened to her, it would be hours before he could rush to her side and comfort her. That he couldn't just drive down the road and stop by.

 

“You do.” She agreed; her voice was barely a whisper, almost lost on the wind that teased her hair. He reached out and grabbed her wrist. Why couldn't he stop touching her?

 

A park bench stood not too far from where they were, so he tugged on her arm trying to give meaning to his touch by directing her to the bench. They sat in silence and he let go of her to fold his arms across his chest.

 

Clem and Aaron ran around, shrieking in childish delight as they watched silently. Kate wrapped her hand around the wrist he'd held. Something inside started to wake. It squirmed in the pit of her stomach and she wasn't sure she liked it all that much.

 

“What have you been up to?” She finally asked.

 

So he told her. Joked about all his little misadventures and tried his hardest to make her smile. Smile she did, and laughed as she shared little tidbits about the past two years with him. He told her about Clementine. About how scared he'd been that first time he'd taken her for the weekend. She told him about the first time she'd left Aaron with a sitter, how she'd called every ten minutes and only been gone half an hour.

 

He told her about their first trip to the ice cream parlor across the street and she'd howled in delight when he told her that he had been unable to tell his daughter no. She told him she always knew that if he had a daughter, or met his daughter, that that little girl would have him wrapped around her finger.

 

 

He asked about her house, how long she'd been there. How she dealt with it, with leaving Aaron behind. She only shared that same sad smile, and told him she just did.

 

He didn't know how long they sat there, at one point Aaron had come over and sat on the bench next to Kate, laying his head in her lap. She combed her fingers through the fine blond hair and he drifted off. Clem came back and climbed into his lap, resting her head on his shoulder and playing with a strand of Kate's hair. Wrapping it around her finger and then unwinding it.

 

“I missed you.” She finally admitted. He nodded and gruffly admitted he missed her too. Then noticed how late and cold it was getting. Trying to distance himself again.

 

“It's freezing out here. What's wrong with us?” He stood and turned Clem in his arms, she wrapped her arms around his neck and her legs around his waist.

 

“Daddy. I don't want to go to the zoo tomorrow.”

 

Kate slid her arms under Aaron and pulled him up against her shoulder. He sleepily snuggled into her as she stood.

 

“And what do you want to do instead?” He asked as he picked up her bear and handed it to her, waiting for Kate to secure Aaron in her arms before they both started back across the street to their cars.

 

Clementine looked over at Kate and Aaron and then back at her father.

 

“Well, it was really fun playing with Aaron today and he lives here. So I'm not going to see him when I go home...” She started her argument with all the facts. He kissed her forehead.

 

“You wanna hang out with Aunt Kate and Aaron?” He asked and she nodded.

 

“Puhleeease?”

 

“Claire is going out tomorrow night anyway. I don't think she'd mind if you and Clementine wanted to stop by for a bit. I'm sure she'd love to catch up as well.” Kate supplied. That hope in her voice, the one he couldn't ignore. He was tired of pretending not to miss her. It was stupid and a waste of time.

Now that he had found her again, he didn't want to leave her behind.

 

He had spent the afternoon having the best time he could remember in a long time. It seemed pointless to go back to the way things were.

 

She hoped he would take her up on it. She didn't care what happened as long as she could see him again. He was if nothing else, the best friend she had ever had. Claire was wonderful, and she loved her like a sister, but even she couldn't fill in all the gaps. She could never talk to her about how much leaving Aaron behind hurt. Sawyer understood that. Hell, he understood her in a way no one else had ever been able to do.

 

It was nice to have someone who could read her silence just as well as her words.

 

The setting sun cast an orange glow on her face, he noted. Her eyes dark in the dimming light, but somehow she seemed to embody everything he had missed these past two years. His best friend. That girl that part of him would probably always miss, even when she was standing next to him. They were both older now, wiser too. Maybe this time they could make their friendship work.

 

“You got a number?” He smiled.

 

She let out the breath she didn't know she'd been holding.

 

“Yeah, it'd be wrong to keep these two apart.” She smirked and dug her phone out of her pocket with one hand, leaning back to shift Aaron's weight to her shoulder more. He pulled his phone out and swapped phones with her.

 

“Of course.” He set Clementine down and programmed his number in her phone. She struggled with one hand for a minute before he took his phone from her and pressed a few buttons, then took Aaron from her and handed her the phone back.

 

The display read: Freckles. She smiled, and typed her number in then handed him the phone back and tried to take Aaron from him.

 

“Where you parked?” He asked instead. Taking Clem's hand she walked over to her car and opened the back door for him. He fastened Aaron in, closed the door and leaned on it. Clementine rubbed her eyes and yawned, leaning against his leg. He picked her up and she cuddled into his neck.

 

“It was good seeing you again.” Kate said softly, and bit her lip almost nervously.

 

“You too.” He felt like a teenager on his first date.

 

“Tomorrow, then?” This was beyond silly. They were adults. But her heart wouldn't stop pounding in her ears.

 

“Tomorrow.” He confirmed but didn't move.

 

For a minute she thought he was going to lean in and kiss her. But he didn't. Instead he gave her that smirk and then started for his truck.

 

Shaking her head at her silliness, she climbed into her car and buckled her seatbelt. She let out a soft laugh at herself, then turned the car on and started toward Claire's.

 

It wasn't until she pulled up that she remembered she forgot Claire's ice cream.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


	4. A New Friend

 

***

_To my friends in New York, I say hello_  
_My friends in LA they don't know_  
 _Where I've been for the past few years or so_  
 _Paris to China to Colorado_

_Sometimes there's airplanes I can't jump out_   
_Sometimes there's bullshit that don't work now_   
_We are god of stories, but please tell me_   
_What there is to complain about?_

_When you're happy like a fool, let it take you over  
When everything is out you gotta take it in_

_Oh, this has gotta be the good life_   
_This has gotta be the good life_   
_This could really be a good life, good life_   
_I say, Oh got this feeling that you can't fight_   
_Like this city is on fire tonight_   
_This could really be a good life_   
_A good, good life_

_Hopelessly, I feel like there might be something that I'll miss_   
_Hopelessly, I feel like the window closes oh so quick_   
_Hopelessly, I'm taking a mental picture of you now_   
_'Cause hopelessly, the hope is we have so much to feel good about_

Good Life _  
-OneRepublic_

_***  
_

The day seemed to drag on forever. She knew she was being silly, that the hours were no longer than any other day and that she should be grateful for them at all. But that didn't stop her from watching the clock and counting the minutes.

Aaron had been running a mile a minute since she had walked in the door, going over all the different things he wanted to do. If he had his way, they'd have a Memory marathon followed by Pokemon and pizza. He was trying to show her his favorite new toy while she sat on Claire's bed as his mother held up two different shirts.

“I like the blue one.” Kate supplied, as Aaron climbed up on the bed next to her. “Yes Aaron, it is really cool.” She turned her head and inspected the toy.

“Sometimes I don't know how we get on without you.” Claire teased and gestured to Aaron. He was trying to explain how his toy changed into a truck. Kate took it from him for a moment, fiddling with it until he grew frustrated with her and took it back to 'fix' it. She bit back her smile.

When they had come back from the island, she had given Claire the master bedroom. She knew she would never be able to sleep in that room again after everything that had happened. Claire had quickly changed the decor to something that suited her tastes more. And as Aaron sat in the middle of the bed, almost lost in a sea of pillows in varying shades of lilac, Kate was glad that the room was no longer recognizable as the one she had shared with Jack. In fact, much of the house had been changed since their return. Kate couldn't help but be grateful for it. Even with the changes, it was impossible to forget everything that had happened, but it did help distance herself from it.

Standing, she brushed her hand through Aaron's hair then walked over to where Claire stood. The mirror cast her image back at both of them. Claire with her golden curls, perfectly maintained, holding a light blue tee across her chest, switching it for a dark purple quarter length sleeve shirt. Claire with her flawless skin, and soft spoken smile. It really was remarkable how far she had come, like those three years never happened. Only evident in her nerves, perhaps a bit more quiet than she was before.

Sometimes she thought she carried far more evidence of those three years than Claire ever would. Her own reflection in the mirror as she stood behind Claire seemed to agree. Dark curls, pulled back in a quick and messy ponytail. Her jeans starting to fray at the knees, her own dark red tee, snug with a grease spot from where someone's leftovers had encountered it during the lunch rush. Much like the state of her heart, worn and stained. Her skin freckled from the sun, her eyes tired. It really was no wonder she couldn't get a date. But it wasn't like babysitting was exactly designer friendly. Besides, she'd given up that perfect little life two years ago; and aside from Aaron, she didn't really miss it. There was comfort in knowing that she was never meant for that.

Yet this was the image she was going to share with Sawyer? She supposed it didn't matter, it wasn't like he hadn't seen her in worse. To be honest, it was a little disarming to see him so well kept. Did he have those same thoughts? She felt almost naked around him without the extra layer of dirt and grime. At least she smelled better. The corner of her lip turned up at the thought.

“The blue one isn't too...” Claire paused and met Kate's eyes in the mirror. “I'm not ready for this.” She grabbed both hangers in one hand and shoved them into the open closet. Stuck in her past again, letting those three years control her future, Kate supposed. She stepped around Claire and pulled the blue shirt out again, held it out to her.

“You are ready for this. Put it on.”

“But...”

“Nope. No buts.”

Claire sighed as Kate held the shirt out to her. She took it reluctantly. Kate put her hand on Claire's shoulder to comfort her fretting friend.

“Remember how long you've wanted this. He's amazing with Aaron, and he thinks you're the best thing in the world. Anyone can see that. So put your shirt on and get back out there.” She really did think that Claire could find happiness with him. They were so adorable together that it sometimes made Kate sick to watch. Claire deserved it though, after everything she'd been through, and Aaron needed a male role model in his life. Kate was just glad that things finally seemed to be falling into place for the two of them. There was nothing that Claire could do to scare Ian away either, despite her worries to the contrary. She wasn't the same woman who left that island two years ago. Even if she was more inclined to hide behind that shadow when she was nervous.

“You just want me out of the house so you can make time with Sawyer.” Claire teased, picking at the the shirt idly as she refused to make eye contact. Kate pulled her into a quick hug.

No. The closer it got, the more her stomach danced and her head spun. They never played these games before, well not like this anyway. She still remembered the dizzy feeling of falling for him. The excitement of wondering what he would try next. The flirty banter. Though none of those things ever made her feel nauseous like the thought of his impending arrival, however.

Besides, this was different. There would be no falling. Too much water under those bridges. No, they would be staying quite safely in the friend zone. That alone, helped ease some of the nerves from her stomach.

“Too much... I don't want to go back to that, Claire. Some people are meant to be alone. Sawyer and I... we had our chance.” She tugged at the edge of her shirt, playing with the stain. “...Neither one of us wants that. Besides, we aren't talking about Sawyer and me, we were talking about you. Now, you finish getting ready, Aaron and I have an exciting game of Memory waiting for us.”

She still couldn't talk about them without feeling the guilt and the hurt that had dotted their on island time together. Still couldn't face anyone and admit to that dark feeling she had so much practice at hiding. Maybe she never would be able to. Honestly, she'd rather forget any of it happened at all and make a fresh start of it.

_Like Little House._

She smirked at the thought.

Kate shuffled over to the bed and ruffled Aaron's hair.

“Come on kid, let's leave your mom alone so she can finish getting ready. I think it's time we had a rematch.” Aaron dropped his toy, quickly forgetting its appeal and stood, wobbling slightly as he adjusted to the uneven surface of the bed.

“You lost last time.” Aaron pointed out quite seriously. One day he would figure out that they let him win, but until that day Kate was glad to play along.

“So I did.” She turned her back to him and bent down so he could climb onto it. “What are you going to do when I win? I'm not sure you can carry me on your back.” It was common knowledge that in the Littleton household, he who loses Memory gives he who wins a piggyback ride.

“I could too.” Aaron protested.

Claire laughed and shut the door behind them.

 

***

He hadn't slept well. Something about the way her shirt hugged all the right curves had kept him awake with feelings of guilt and conflicting desire. He wished they could just skip all the awkward shit. Before he'd left, they'd been in a good place. Why couldn't they just skip right back to that place? He hadn't been thinking about how well her shirt fit then. Everything had been so natural, nothing forced. He hoped they could get that back. He had not realized just how much it had been missed until he saw her again.

Warring with the guilt he felt for well into the night, he had finally given up on sleep and blanked out in front of the tv. Its volume on the one of the lowest settings. His eyes glued to infomercials until his brain shut off and he could sleep. Which only served to give him a rather uncomfortable night on the couch and a stiff neck in the morning.

To make matters worse, Clem seemed to be picking up on his frustration as well. She had been in a perfectly unpleasant mood all day. Not wanting to do anything but mope about what she didn't want to do, and quick to fly off the handle. It had started with breakfast, she didn't want pancakes, she wanted some sugary cereal he'd never even heard of. Then she wanted to wear her kitty shirt, which was probably sitting in her drawer at Cassidy's place. Things hadn't gotten any better as the day wore on.

She had even had to spend some time in 'time out.' He never thought he would have to be one of those parents, but it was send her to time out or spank her, and he had far too little control of his own temper for that. She had been driving him mad. If he hadn't had other motives for keeping the play date...

She had fought him all the way there. It was late for a play date and he had intended on getting her in her pajamas so that when she inevitably fell asleep while they waited for Claire to return, he would not have to wake her to get her ready for bed. Of course she was not having any of that, so her pajamas sat in a bag in the back in hopes he could convince her into them once they got there. She also didn't want to wear a seat belt, or like any of the songs on the radio. It was too hot, so he cracked the windows. Then the wind was blowing in her face, so he'd turned on the fan. Then it was too cold... He was seconds away from losing his patience.

“Daddy?”

“Yes, Darling.” He muttered through gritted teeth; he wasn't feeling like she was quite the darling. More like devil.

“I love you.” And like that he was putty in her hands again. He rolled his eyes at himself. Figured.

“I love you too, Pumpkin.” She smiled and folded her arms across her teddy bear. Seemed 'Edward' was going to follow them everywhere. Cassidy would love that. Hopefully, she'd retire the bear when she got back. He worried she was a little too old to be toting a teddy bear around with her.

When they pulled up to Claire's house, she took off like a bullet. She hadn't moved that fast all day, and was on the porch bouncing up and down before he even had his door closed.

“Hurry up!” She called out as he reached into the truck bed to grab her bag.

“They ain't going nowhere, Princess.”

She rolled her eyes at him.

He stopped and gave her a look of warning. She stomped, her face turned up in anger. If she wasn't so frustrating, it might have been cute.

“I think you need to think about your attitude, little lady.” He said sternly as he stepped up next to her. She turned her back and pouted as he rung the bell. This was definitely one of those days where the idea of giving her back to her mother didn't hurt nearly as much as it should have.

The door opened to reveal Kate, Aaron clinging to her back. Clementine pushed her way passed Kate as she slid Aaron to the ground.

“She's mad at me. Though I have no clue why. She's been pissed off all day.” He admitted as Aaron and Clem disappeared around the corner.

“You have always had a way with the ladies.” Kate smirked.

“Oh, shut up.” He groaned as she stepped aside and let him in.

“Nice place.” He commented as he set Clementine's bag by the door and took in his surroundings. When he'd first pulled up, he'd been rather impressed. Of course he shouldn't have been, he knew the neighborhood well enough to know. But Kate seemed so out of place in it. He wondered if Claire had made the decision as to where they would live.

Kate merely shrugged at his comment.

“We didn't want to disrupt Aaron's life too much. I sold it to Claire when I moved out.”

He looked around once more. This was where she'd been with Jack. Where she'd had a life. He still couldn't see her there. Couldn't picture her as the Stepford type. But he could understand her motives for coming back to it. Despite what she said about Aaron, Kate wasn't one to let go of things easily.

“I would have thought you'd want to keep it.”

“Too many memories,” She shrugged again. “...and honestly, I don't miss it all that much.”

Part of her missed it, he could see that in the slump of her shoulders. He knew it wasn't the house she missed though. Part of him would probably always miss his place back on the island too, dump that it was. That also had nothing to do with the building.

Claire chose that moment to come down the stairs. She looked better than he had expected. If he had not known about her little crazy phase, he never would have guessed it. She looked radiant, and every bit the Claire that he knew before things went to hell.

“Well hey there, Mamacita? You clean up real nice.” He whistled as she finished descending and stopped to stand in front of him.

“It's good to see you too, Sawyer.” She smiled shyly as he pulled her into a hug.

“I might just have to take you for myself.” He teased as they separated. She blushed and hooked arms with Kate.

“I think, there will be some objections to that.”

“Eh, Aaron likes me well enough.” At his words, Aaron came bounding around the corner again and threw his arms around Claire's waist.

“Mommy, is Jane coming over to play too?” Clementine slipped next to Kate quietly and grabbed her hand, clearly choosing her side. Sawyer tried not to grin at the offended look on his daughter's face. She was making it very clear that she had no interest in him whatsoever.

“Jane is Ian's daughter.” Kate explained.

“No, Sweetie. Jane is with her grandma and grandpa for the weekend, remember?” Aaron seemed disappointed for a minute then brightened.

“Next time?” He asked hopefully.

“We'll see.” Claire answered hesitantly then bit her lip. Kate squeezed her shoulder and Sawyer pretended to look away. First dates were hard enough without the extra baggage she had to be lugging around with her.

Clementine pulled Kate down to her level and Sawyer watched as his daughter whispered something into Kate's ear. Kate bit back a smile then stood up.

“This is Clementine. Clementine, this is Aaron's mom Claire.” Kate introduced Claire to the little girl. “She wants to know if she can stay here until it's time to go to her mom's house. Apparently her dad is mean.”

That was it, he'd show her mean. It was obviously well past spanking time. He started toward his misbehaving daughter.

Kate held out her hand to stop him and he considered barging right past.

Claire's laughter stopped him.

“What did he do?” Claire asked as she knelt in front of the little girl.

“Well... he made me eat pancakes and he... he...wouldn't let me wear my kitty shirt... and...he..he” She bursts into tears and it broke his heart. He was such a softie when it came to her. She turned her back on Claire and threw herself into Kate's arms. Kate wrapped her up and picked her up as she cried.

“Pancakes? Really, Sawyer, how could you be so cruel?” Claire teased as she stood to face him. She could tell he was miserable.

“I don't know what's wrong with her, I can't do anything right today.” He murmured and stepped up to Kate, stroking the little girl's hair.

“She feels a little warm.” Kate supplied. “Maybe she's coming down with something.”

He held his arms out for his daughter and Kate tried to transfer her to her father but she refused to budge.

“Sorry.”

He felt so helpless.

Claire put her hand on his shoulder.

“She'll be fine. Let her get it out of her system.”

Ian chose that moment to stop by, and after a quick twenty questions where Sawyer acted very much like the overprotective father, he left with Claire. Aaron watched the whole affair with wide eyes.

“What's wrong with Clem?” He asked Sawyer when his mother had left.

“Girls are funny like that. Sometimes you don't know.” He wished he could tell the little boy, if only for his own piece of mind. She probably was coming down with something, and it was probably all his fault for letting her play outside in the cold the day before.

“Aunt Kate and me were going to play Memory. Will you play with me?” Sawyer cast a look to Kate who nodded her approval. She would watch Clem.

“Sure kiddo...” He gestured toward Clem's bag, “Her pajamas are in there. I couldn't get her to put them on, but she seems to like you more... maybe you can convince her into them?”

Kate nodded and kissed the top of Clem's head.

Something twisted in his gut at the image, and he looked away quickly as he grabbed Aaron's hand and Aaron led him from the room.

“Careful, Aaron's pretty good at that game, and the loser always owes the winner a piggy back ride.” Kate called after them, trying to let Sawyer know he should throw the game. She doubted he would though. They might have a crying five year old on their hands as well later on. She couldn't help but smile at the thought.

Clem sniffled and Kate could feel the girl's tears soak through her shirt.

“How about we have a pajama party?” Kate asked softly, wanting nothing more than to get out of the soaked t-shirt and to put the little girl down. She wasn't exactly light.

Clem pulled back and studied Kate's face, as if trying to decide if there was a trick involved in the suggestion.

“We can build a fort in the living room and keep the boys out.”

Clem smiled.

“Can Aaron come?” She asked shyly.

Kate tried not to laugh, Clementine really did seem rather angry with her father. Poor guy, it probably had nothing to do with anything he had done, or failed to do.

“I suppose, but he'll have to come dressed for the party too. So why don't we go tell him that we're going to have a pajama party so he can get ready to come too?”

Clem nodded and Kate let her slip from her arms. She cast a look down at her tee shirt and saw that she had a rather large wet spot on her shoulder and it appeared that tears were not the only thing Clem had left behind, her shirt had doubled as a tissue as well. She picked at the shirt and held it off of her skin for a moment, fanning it a bit to try and dry it.

Clem grabbed her hand and tugged her toward the other room to find the boys.

“Aunt Kate and me are going to have a pajama party.” Clem stated from the doorway. “You are not invited Daddy, but Aaron can come.” She said proudly. Sawyer tensed as Kate let go of Clem's hand and walked over to where he knelt on the ground, placing her hand on his shoulder she dropped down on her knees next to him.

“Aaron, why don't you show Clem where the bathroom is so she can put her pajama's on? Then if you want to go put yours on too we can all meet in the living room and get our party started.”

Aaron nodded and jumped up. He grabbed Clem's hand and the two ran off down the hall.

“I'm not invited?” He asked.

“Well, I told her it was a girls only party and she wanted to know if Aaron could come. I figure if she can sneak Aaron in, maybe I can sneak you in too.”

“Clever, Aunt Kate.” He snickered. “She do that?” He pointed to the mess on her shirt.

“Yup, which is why I'm going to go change too.” She stood and grabbed his hand, tugging him to his feet as well. “Come on, no pajama party is complete without popcorn. That's your job, while I change and get the kids ready.”

“Damn, and I was hoping I could get in on the changing part of the nights activities.” He snarked and she rolled her eyes as she half dragged him to the kitchen and pulled the microwaveable popcorn down from on top of the fridge.

He tried to avert his eyes from the patch of skin that revealed itself when she stood on her tip toes and reached for the popcorn.

She handed him a package.

“I'll be back for the popcorn. You better stay in here until I can convince Clem into letting you come too. I promise not to take too long.” She started toward the door then stopped and turned around to face him again. “What do you know about fort building?”

He laughed. “I've made a few.” He boasted.

“Good.” She laughed as he puffed out his chest, his pride showing. “That might be your in.”

He shook his head in amusement as she practically skipped from the kitchen, her mind obviously already forming her argument. If anyone could get him in, it was her. She could definitely give his daughter a run for her money.

Popping the popcorn package into the microwave, his eyes wandered to the photos on the fridge and after setting the controls on the machine he walked over to investigate further. Most of the photos were of Claire and Aaron. At the zoo. At the park. On a boat. Some of them were of just Aaron. Riding his bike. Flying a kite. His face in one of those cutouts at tourist traps. A few held Kate and Aaron. Kate pushing Aaron in a swing. Giving him a piggyback ride. Hunched over in laughter. But one in particular caught his eye. It was tucked behind invitations, childish drawings, and other photos, as is presence had been forgotten entirely. Claire probably didn't even see it anymore when she walked by.

Jack, Aaron, and Kate. Jack had his arm around Kate, she had her head resting on his shoulder. They sat on a park bench, Aaron sat on Jack's knee, his eyes on Kate. Jack's knee rested against Kate's. She was wearing a sundress, he looked rather comfortable in a polo and shorts. He imagined Kate's sandaled foot playing with Jack's idly while waiting for the picture to be taken. He imagined Jack's hand tracing down Kate's bare arm.

And for the first time, it didn't bother him.

The microwave dinged and he pulled the popcorn out, dumped it into a bowl that sat drying in the dish rack by the sink.

She had a life. He judged from the picture, that it was a good one. He was happy for her. Glad to see that she could finally sit still long enough to enjoy one. Relieved to know that things hadn't been all bad for her. That he didn't have to feel guilty for having such an ideal life with Juliet.

Their fridge held a similar photo back then, her golden hair reflecting the sunlight. It didn't hurt to think about it anymore. She had left him with far too many good memories to regret, and when he remembered her, it was always like in that picture. With laughter in her eyes, the sun dancing in her hair. He wondered if Kate remembered Jack the same way.

If she remembered him giving Aaron piggyback rides, or maybe trips to the ice cream parlor. He hoped she did. That she had enough good memories to block out the bad ones.

When she came back for the popcorn he was standing in front of the photo again, not really seeing it, lost in memories of what his life had been.

“Hey.” She called out to get his attention.

He turned his head to her.

“Hey.”

The sun streamed through a window to her side, it bounced off of her hair, casting a reddish tint to her curls. She smiled, it lit up her whole face. She wore a black top, tiny straps over her shoulders, almost skin tight. Her bra straps also black, visible against her white freckled shoulders. Still in her frayed jeans, her bare feet sticking out from under them. Little red dots on her toenails where the paint still clung to the nails stubbornly. Chipped and scuffed like her personality.

This was the Kate he knew, not the one in the sundress.

She sent him a puzzled look and curled her toes under. A slight flush to her cheeks, like maybe she was embarrassed for him to see.

“You ready?” She asked. She picked up the bowl of popcorn, needing something to do. The way he looked at her unsettled that thing in her stomach again. His face grew into that slow smile she was so familiar with.

“Yeah.” She sensed there was more to his simple agreement. But she could not figure out what. So she offered him a simple smile then turned to leave.

Yeah, he was ready to start again. He was ready to be her friend. In fact, he couldn't wait. He hurried after her and took the bowl of popcorn from her arms.

“Peace offering.” He explained and she laughed.

“I told Clem that you were an expert fort builder, and that we needed your skills.”

“And she bought it?”

“I don't really think she is mad at you. But she's your daughter after all. She can't admit that.”

He shoved her playfully.

“I think she's a girl... fickle is in her nature. You girls just can't help it.” He teased.

“Hmm. Maybe she's right, maybe I should uninvite you.” Kate paused.

“Nope, no take-backs.” Sawyer shook his head.

“What are you, twelve?” She turned to face him.

“I'm not the one who came up with the pajama party, fort building idea.” He answered smugly.

“Fort building and pajama parties are perfectly reasonable grownup ideas.” Her hands on her hips, she defended her idea, then started walking back toward the living room again.

“Yes, I'm sure. Except this pajama party all of us will be keeping our clothes on; and building a shelter on a beach and a fort in your living room really are two completely different things.” He goaded her on as he followed her.

“I'm sorry you feel that way. I already took my clothes off. Clem and even Aaron took their clothes off. So really you're the only one missing out on that. As for the fort building... well you are the expert, so I suppose you'd know best.” She smiled sweetly. The image of her naked skin flashed through his mind uninvited; he shook his head and cleared his throat. Friends didn't picture friends naked.

“Daddy!” Clementine flung her arms around him. “Come help us build a fort.”

Well, he'd obviously been forgiven. He turned to Kate and mouthed a silent thank you.

“Hmm. Next time you might want to make sure Clem's door is closed so you don't keep her up all night with the tv.” Kate snarked. “Tired kids don't make happy kids. Who wants popcorn?” Clem and Aaron both descended on her and Sawyer laughed. He should have known better, even if she couldn't hear it, the light of the tv would have kept Clementine up, especially since her door opened into the living room.

The fort building consisted of throwing a blanket over two chairs and everyone climbing underneath. Aaron had to sit in his lap, and Clem still preferred her aunt's lap. Kate's knees touched his as she sat cross legged across from him.

“What do you do after the fort is built?” Clementine asked as she turned in Kate's lap to face her, draping her arms around Kate's neck and giving her an impromptu hug. Her fingers tangling once more in Kate's curls. Kate rubbed her back, and Clem rested her head on Kate's shoulder, settling in.

“Well, if it was just us girls... we'd give each other make overs and talk about boys.” Kate smirked. Sawyer's eyes grew horrified at the suggestion of make overs. One day she would have to get Clem to talk him into it. She was pretty sure the little girl had that kind of pull with her father, and the pictures alone would definitely give her some pull.

“We ain't gonna stop you from talking bout boys, Freckles.” Sawyer teased and Aaron looked at him like he had grown two heads. It clearly wasn't his idea of fun.

Clem yawned causing Aaron to mimic her.

“No, I think it's time for another pajama party pastime. What about a movie?” Clem nodded and Aaron started to bail out of the fort. Sawyer pulled the blanket down and off of them. He stood and placed a kiss on Clem's head then leaned over to repeat the process with Kate but halted himself when he remembered just where he was.

He couldn't do that again. Kate hadn't appeared to notice, thankfully. That would be an excellent way to make things awkward again. Why had he thought... No, he hadn't thought, it had been instinctual. She was caring for his daughter, he was grateful. Yeah, it was gratitude.

Kate motioned over to where Aaron stood in front of a closet.

“Will you help him pick one?” She asked as she struggled to stand with Clementine. He bent over and helped her up, then walked over to Aaron and they picked a family friendly movie. Kate sat down on the couch and Clementine climbed off of her, sitting on the couch next to her. Sawyer popped the movie in, then sat next to Clementine. Aaron took the seat next to Kate and put his head in her lap. Clementine leaned on her father as the movie started.

Halfway through the movie Sawyer pulled the blanket up from the floor to cover Clementine who had fallen asleep. Aaron had only lasted about fifteen minutes into the movie himself.

“If you want, we can put Clem in my room till Claire gets back.” Kate whispered.

“I thought you'd moved out?”

“I did, but Claire keeps a room here for me. I think she's afraid to let go of it. She still doubts herself.” Kate explained as Sawyer untangled himself from his daughter, stood, and leaned over to pick up Aaron.

“She's doing remarkably well. I couldn't believe she was the same person who left that island with us.” He commented as Kate stood and stretched.

“She's not. But I think she's always going to second guess herself. It's sad, she's such a good mom to him.” Kate leaned over and pressed a kiss to Aaron's cheek.

“Where's his room?” Sawyer asked and Kate nodded toward the stairs.

“I'll show you.” He followed her as she led him up the stairs and to a room painted with clouds. He set Aaron down, stepped back and stood in the doorway as she tucked him in.

“Night, Baby.” She murmured then slowly backed out of the room. Flipping the light off as she passed it, she closed the door behind her.

“You're good with him.” Sawyer commented as he leaned against the wall next to the door. He didn't know what he expected, but this version of Kate was something he never could picture. Kate smiled then looked away, hiding from him again. He didn't blame her, it was too close to the surface.

“Thanks.” She murmured, trying her hardest not to tear up. “Anyway...” She cleared her throat. “We can put Clem in there.” Kate pointed to the door just down the hall from Aaron's room. “I'll just go turn the bed down for her.” Kate slipped into the next room over.

“Make sure all your 'toys' are put away.” He called after her. She popped her head out of the door and gave him a puzzled look.

“Ah, come on Freckles, you know what I mean. I don't want my daughter finding any of your more inappropriate playthings.”

Kate smirked.

“Who says I need inappropriate playthings? Has she found yours before? I bet it wasn't easy explaining that blow up doll.” She disappeared into her room once more.

“Cute, Freckles. Real cute.” He called out again as she pulled the covers down for Clem then joined him in the hall once more.

“Besides... I keep all the really good stuff at home.” She tossed out, brushing her hand along his chest and pushing him aside as she walked back toward the stairs.

“I'll just bet you do.” He growled, and grinning he followed her back to the living room for his daughter.

Her room was not what he expected. Simple and sparse. The bed, only a twin almost like she planned on living her life alone forever. Almost like she'd given up on living. He supposed it made sense. She didn't actually live there. All of her possessions would have followed her to her new home. No, this was just a stopping place for her.

“I keep telling Claire she can change things in here.” Kate shrugged her shoulders. “The bed is really comfortable though, sometimes I miss it.” Then almost as if she realized she'd revealed too much she painted on a smile started to leave the room.

He grabbed her arm as she walked by.

“Thank you.” He murmured. He didn't know if he was thanking her for letting him back into her life, or if he was thanking her for letting him in. Regardless, he knew she would think it was for the bed. She wouldn't read more into it.

She shrugged his hand off and rubbed her arm.

“It's really not a problem.”

She was worried that now that the kids were asleep and they were alone, things would go back to awkward. So she hurried out of the room and left him to tuck his daughter in. He joined her a few minutes later and helped her pick up the mess they'd made then settled on the couch as she flipped the tv on.

“We should do this again.” He said softly as she settled on a scary movie.

She was ready for part of her to scream no, like it always had before with him. That part that was always so afraid to let him in. She found it oddly mute this time. Maybe now that there was nothing at stake, it had decided to shut up. It was refreshing none the less. Not to second guess everything. To know that he didn't want anything more than her company.

“We really should.” She agreed.

Part of him let out the breath he had been holding unconsciously all night. He had been worried that this would be a one time kind of thing. It shouldn't have worried him, it wasn't like he didn't have other friends. But there was something so singular about Kate, something so entirely her, that no one else could fill. He had missed her, broken and chipped as she was. There was something so right about their friendship. He was impossibly glad that he didn't have to figure out life without her anymore.

“So... tell me about Clementine. When did you decide to meet her? How did Cassidy respond? You've told me some things but I want to know the whole story.”

The movie was forgotten in the background and for possibly the first time in their relationship they talked. He opened up to her in a way he had never been able to do on the island, and she filled in as many little blanks as she could. Somewhere during their discussion she had leaned her head on his shoulder and he had wrapped his arm around her shoulder as they pretended to watch the movie while uncovering the past two years. She rested her hand on his thigh, her other arm behind him.

And that was exactly how Claire found them when she came home. Sleeping in each other's arms.


	5. An Old Topic

 

***  
_How many times_  
 _Can I push it aside_  
 _Is it time I befriended all the ghosts of all the things that haunt me most_  
 _So they leave me alone_  
 _Move on with my life_  
 _Be certain the steps of left and right don't fight the direction of upright_

_I'd rather forget and not slow down_   
_Than gather regret for the things I can't change now_   
_If I become what I can't accept_   
_Resurrect the saint from within the wretch_   
_Pour over me and wash my hands of it_

_It's time to decide_   
_Which is out of my mind_   
_Cause it'll be me unless I put some thoughts to rest and leave some faults behind_   
_I'll watch the glint in my eye_   
_Shine off the spring in my step_   
_And it could be blinding depending on the amount of You that I reflect_

_Cause I could spend my life just trying to sift through_   
_What I could've done better but what good do what ifs do_   
_Oh oh_   
_Oh oh_   
_There's something I should tell you now_

Forget and Not Slow Down _  
-Relient K  
_

***

“Kate?”

She woke up to Claire's gentle nudge and knowing look. Confusion clouded her mind as she tried to push the sleep from her system. She was resting on something warm and comfortable... that moved.

“Sorry.” Sawyer muttered, as he pulled his hand from her thigh and she sat up in realization.

She'd fallen asleep on him. She was babysitting, he came over with Clem. It was all coming back to her now. Claire looked at them with that questioning look and Kate ignored her. It didn't mean anything after all. They were both tired... it was late. Kate looked at her watch, it was half past one.

“Kind of late, isn't it?” Two could play at that game.

“Am I gonna have to talk to him about protecting your honor?” Sawyer teased.

“No, I think if anything, you should talk to him about not protecting her honor.” Kate said as she stretched, arms above her head. Sawyer leaned over and poked her in the stomach and she quickly recoiled and gave him an elbow in the gut, then stood and held out her hand for him. He grabbed it and she tugged him to his feet.

“I don't think my honor is in question. I'm gonna go check on Aaron.” Claire said softly, then stepped up to Sawyer and wrapped her arms around his neck. “It was good to see you, don't be a stranger.”

He hugged her back and as she stepped away, he promised not to. They watched her disappear up the stairs.

“You think this guy is good for her then?” Sawyer turned to face Kate. She smirked.

“I think she hasn't been with anyone since Aaron's father.” Sawyer's eyes widened slightly.

“Charlie?” Kate shook her head.

“Is one of her biggest regrets. She loved him, but she pushed him away and they never had a chance before...” She drifted off and he knew what she meant. He knew that Claire had suffered in her own silent way after Charlie had died, he just never knew she had never even had the opportunity to be with him. That had to hurt, it was no wonder she hadn't been with anyone since. Still it was going on six years now.

“That's a long time to go without.” He said softly, had the sudden urge to wrap his arm around her waist and gather some kind of … he didn't know. Just that the sad expression on Kate's face, regretful, was something he wanted to erase. He knew about regrets. He knew about squandering time. About thinking that things would never change, and then having the world come crashing down around him. What's more, he knew she knew about it all too. Had shared in that secret darkness, that hell that burned deep inside. The one that no one could touch or take away.

It killed him a little that she had to know about it too.

“I don't think she missed it as much as you would.” Kate teased to lighten the mood momentarily, then continued somberly. “It's different when someone breaks your heart.”

She looked away, tugged at her shirt and rolled the toes of her left foot under her, watching the floor as if it were the most fascinating thing in her life. Anywhere but at him. He understood and turned his eyes toward the wall before answering her.

“Yeah, it is. After Juliet...” After Juliet he had not wanted anyone ever again. He had thought he would only want the silent stillness. The certainty of solitude. Like she had killed that part of him with her death. It was only recently that he'd even been about to entertain the notion of finding someone else.

“...well, I'm sure it was the same with you.” He finished and found her eyes on him.

“Is.” She said with that sad smile.

He didn't know why he thought she would have recovered faster. Maybe because he had only seen the fickle Kate. The one who had bounced between him and Jack. Maybe he never thought she could understand how he felt about Juliet, because he never thought she could feel that way about anyone. But clearly she had. Unless he was not reading her right.

“You haven't?” He asked to clarify. She simply shook her head.

“You?” She didn't think he had. Juliet had meant the world to him. She doubted he would ever move on. You didn't move on from those kind of things. You just learned to live with out it. Even though she would not compare her life with Jack to his life with Juliet, she thought she knew a little of what he felt.

In her mind she always knew that Jack wasn't the one. She loved him and he loved her, but they would have never been able to make it work. Maybe they didn't love each other enough. Or maybe she was just fatally flawed. Maybe too much had happened to ever get over. That didn't mean that she wouldn't have tried again though, had she been given the chance. Even with all of that, his death had still shaken her to her core. She could not imagine how much worse it would have been for Sawyer.

“Well... no.” He answered her then paused when she nodded. He didn't want her to think he was still hung up on Juliet. He had made his peace, part of him had always known that despite his love for her, Juliet had been a pit stop of sorts. A safe haven when he had needed it the most. But what they had, had been built out of necessity, on top of lies. Two lonely people searching for solace in each other. That didn't mean he didn't love her fiercely, or belittle what they had. She had known it too.

He would never love another woman like he had Jules. But that didn't mean he wanted to spend the rest of his life alone. Somehow, he thought that Kate should know that. Should know that he wasn't going to throw the rest of his life away on a ghost.

“... But it's not because I haven't wanted to. Just haven't found anyone worth the effort.” He explained.

She met his eyes boldly, that halfway twisted smile on her face. The one that always made him want to pull her close and offer the comfort of his arms. The one that told him she understood him, in that way only she had ever been able to do.

“Me either.”

They stared at each other in silence for a moment. It was odd. How his silence never made her uncomfortable or desperate to find words to fill it. How it was just the opposite, in fact, like he was reading her mind and judging her acceptable. Finding her worthy. Validating.

He smiled. She gave meaning to golden silence. To calm in the storm. To actions speak louder. To no need for words.

Sometimes he thought her solemn silence was missed more than her restless recourse. It always amazed him, how deep and still she could be at times. When she shed that constant flow of effort and games. Like a river, rushing by so quickly, her meaning lost in the madness and never ending race to something more. Afraid to miss anything, scared to slow down. But then her path would widen and she would still, deep and soft. Beckon him into her depths, where she would promise to wash him clean.

Ever the contradiction.

“Well... I should get going.” he cleared his throat and broke the silence. “Clem and I have a long drive ahead of us tomorrow.”

She shook herself free from the hold he had on her.

“Yeah. Come on.” Then without looking back at him, led the way up to where Clem slept. He slid into the dark room quietly and motioned for her to leave the lights off as he bent over and retrieved his sleeping daughter, while she stood in the doorway, the light from the hall casting her shadow over them.

She always knew. Always knew that he would be good at this. Clem stirred and he held her closer, rubbed her back and shushed her back to sleep. Kate smiled wistfully. Wondered if he knew just how lucky he was. She would give anything to have those days again.

Stepping away from the door, she allowed him to pass her and she trailed behind him. When they reached the front door she bent and retrieved Clem's bag and took her teddy bear from where it rested under Sawyer's chin.

“Thanks.” He whispered and she nodded with a smile, then opened the front door and followed him out into the brisk night.

When they reached the car door he adjusted his daughter in his arms, shifting her to one side so he could dig in his pocket for his car keys. Clem chose that moment to wake up. She cried out at the injustice of it all and he rubbed her back again, whispering nonsense till she settled down.

“Let me.” Kate offered as she set the bag in the back of the truck then held out her arms.

“She's too heavy. But if you want to liberate my keys, I won't object.” He whispered and she nodded. Stepped closer, slid her hand into his pocket.

“Don't get any ideas.” He teased and she rolled her eyes and quickly pulled his keys free. Gave him that condescending look he adored.

“You gonna open the door or not?” He questioned as she stood, one hand on her hip, the other holding the keys out to him.

“Well I thought about it, but I think it might be more entertaining to watch you struggle. Payback is a bitch after all.” She smiled sweetly and he rolled his eyes, started to reach for the keys. She swatted his hand away.

“I got it. Hold your horses.” Quickly opened the door then stepped back and rested her weight against the truck as he leaned in and set his daughter down, fastened her in then held out his hand for the teddy bear. Kate supplied it, watched through the window as he placed a kiss on Clem's forehead, tucked the toy under her arm, then closed the door and rested against it, facing her.

“I'll call you when I get back into town. Maybe we can get together and do something.” Kate nodded and stepped away from the truck. She wrapped her arms around her to trap some of her escaping body heat. Shifted her weight to one bare foot, used the other to rub the top of the one still on the cold pavement. What was with the weather anyway? They were just outside of L.A. It was supposed to be nice practically year round...

“It's freezing out here. You should go back inside where it's warm.” Sawyer said as he stepped away from the truck and put his hands on her bare arms, then rubbed them to warm her a bit.

“I will. Drive carefully tomorrow.”

“I will, Mom.” He chuckled and stepped around to his side of the cab, opened the door and got in. She stepped back a few more steps and waved as he pulled out. Watched him drive away.

The sky was clear, normally the lights from the city blocked out all the stars. The sky more muted purple than black as the city lights bounced back. It made her miss the island sometimes. Miss all the little lights sparkling back. Made you feel like just another little speck, but you always knew your place. Here, just the bright empty nothing. No way to place yourself, no direction.

She rubbed her arms, switched feet as she stared at the sky.

Tonight she could see only a handful of stars, but it was enough. Like maybe now that he was back in her life, she could place herself in that small galaxy.

“Get in here, it's freezing out there and you've got some explaining to do.” Claire called softly from the door. Kate turned to face her.

“You come out here.” She stuck her tongue out and Claire rolled her eyes but started out onto the porch anyway. When she reached Kate, Claire wrapped an arm around her friend's shoulders.

“He looks good.” Claire whispered. “You ok?”

Kate smiled. She was. If anyone had asked her a week ago if she'd be okay with him coming back into her life, she wouldn't have believed them let alone been okay with it.

“Yeah.” Kate turned to face Claire. “And I'm not the one who has some explaining to do. One thirty?”

“It's close to two now. Stay the night, and I promise to tell you everything.” Claire grabbed Kate's wrist and pulled her back to the house.

“If you think I'm leaving without a play by play, you're nuts.” Kate retorted as they both stepped into the house, she closed the door and locked it behind her.

“Good, I'll get ready for bed then meet you in your room.” Claire said and ran up the stairs. Kate sighed, glad that she wouldn't have to have this conversation on Claire's bed, but weary still. She wished Claire would stop referring to it as her room, though she had to stop referring to it as her room too.

Still she trekked up the stairs, turning off lights as she went, and pausing to look in on Aaron. He was sleeping with his back to the door, his little body moving ever so slightly with each breath. She closed his door quietly and quickly walked to her destination. Flicked on the lamp by her bed. No, not her bed.

If she was going to move on with her life, she had to let this place go.

Claire rushed in and closed the door behind her, plopped down on the bed, waiting patiently as Kate pulled a pair of pajama pants from the dresser across the room. She had to stop keeping clothes here too. It made it too easy to stay the night. Too easy to fall back into pretending.

She would deal with that tomorrow though. She unbuttoned her jeans and stepped out of them, leaving them wadded up on the floor as she pulled the soft cotton pants on then joined Claire on the bed.

“So...” She prodded.

“He wants to go out again.” Claire blurted out.

“I told you. He's smitten.” Kate teased.

“I don't know why. But he was so... sweet and considerate and... Kate, I think... I don't want to screw this up.” She spit out.

“You won't. You'll be fine.”

“You know what he said...” Claire giggled. “He said that the moment he moved in and saw me pushing Aaron in the swing out back he knew.”

Kate was sure that was the truth. He had approached her once or twice before to ask what her favorite ice cream, or past time, or whatever was. Then he'd supply it. He had asked her about Aaron's father, if he was still in the picture. How to get in good with Claire. In short, he'd been doing his homework for quite awhile.

Claire went on for another hour about Ian, about their date, about how she should act. If she should call. Kate was happy for her, but it was hard at the same time. Part of her wished she should share in that joy of new love. Part of her wanted someone's arms around her, wanted to giggle like a school girl over the stupid things he did and said.

“...anyway... what about you?”

“What about me?” Kate asked, knowing where the conversation was going to turn, but still not wanting to go there.

“You and Sawyer were looking pretty chummy on the couch when I found you.” She gave her that knowing look. The one that told Kate she could try and bluff her way out of it, but that she was not buying it.

“We're friends.” Claire started to object but Kate interrupted her. “No, I mean it. It's good, Claire. Us being friends feels right. It feels like where we are supposed to be. I'm not ready for anything more. I don't want anything more. I'm not going to tell you I'm not happy he's back. I am. I'm thrilled that we can be in each other's lives. But I don't want anything more than that.”

“You know you don't have to be alone forever, right?” Claire asked. She was concerned that Kate was intent on wasting what was left of her life.

“I know.” Kate smiled. “And if that right guy walks into my life, I will be more than happy to move on and start a life with him. But I'm not going to force something that isn't there, just for old time's sake. I did love him once, Claire. I was too stupid to know better, or maybe the timing just wasn't right... who knows. But it didn't work then. I don't want to ruin what we have now with something that won't work now either.”

“If you're sure. I think you're wrong but I respect your reasons. If you change your mind I want to know about it.” Kate rolled her eyes.

“Well if I lose my mind and decide to throw everything away, I'll be sure to let you know. But don't get your hopes up. I'm not Juliet. I'm not who he wants. And I'm not going to lie to myself about that. What we have now... it's better than what we had then. But if I decide to risk all that for something that won't work... you should have me committed as well. I'll be counting on you for that.”

Claire rolled her eyes and laid down on the bed.

“This bed is too small.” She commented.

“It's perfect.” Kate answered and slid down, her feet next to Claire's head, Claire's next to hers.

“Nope.” Claire stuck her foot over into Kate's face and Kate grabbed her ankle and moved it away. “See we don't fit.”

“Well, it's only meant for one person.” Kate pointed out.

“Exactly, it's too small. How am I supposed to crash here too?”

“Well, you do have a bed in the other room.” Kate pointed out. “And I have a bed at home as well. So really the fact that we don't both fit in this one, is not a big deal.”

“But right now it needs to fit two people and it doesn't. Thus, I need to replace it. What if I have a guest, who has a guest.” Claire sat up.

“Subtle.”

“I'm just saying... I think it's time for an upgrade.” Kate sat up.

“It's your house.”

Claire smiled.

“Yup, which is why what I say goes. Tomorrow we're going bed shopping.”

“Late. I'm not getting up early after you've kept me up all night.” Claire stood up and stretched and Kate pulled the covers out from under her.

“You think Aaron's gonna let you sleep in? You're optimistic.”

“Oh, shut up. I'm going to bed.” Kate threw a pillow at Claire and the covers over herself.

“Good night.” Claire dodged the pillow then walked to the door.

“Good night.”

 

***

He didn't remember the last time he had woken up feeling so refreshed. Even Clem's crankiness- she had indeed come down with something and spent the entire drive back mopey and sniffling- couldn't put a damper on his good mood. She slept most of the drive anyway.

He didn't think it had anything to do with Kate. He probably just slept so well because the kids had worn him out and he hadn't gotten much sleep the night before. When he pulled up at Cassidy's Clem was asleep, part of him contemplated calling Kate to let her know they had gotten there safely, but he thought that might be too much.

No, he would wait till he got back home then see if she wanted to get dinner or something. Ordinarily, he would have considered staying the night at a motel before making the drive back. But he felt rested enough to do it in one go, and if he didn't spend a lot of time in Phoenix, he could make it back at a reasonable hour. With Clementine feeling under the weather, he didn't think it would be a big deal for her if he left a little earlier than he would have normally left anyway.

But he would have to wake her up and let her know he was leaving. He glanced over at her and she snuggled her bear closer. He didn't have it in him to wake her just yet, so he slipped out of the truck quietly and walked around to her side. Picked her up gently and carefully carried her to the door.

Cassidy had heard them pull up and she met him at the door, stepped aside to let him in.

“You let her stay up all night?” She asked gently.

“No, I think she's coming down with a cold. She's been pretty miserable so I thought I'd let her sleep a bit longer.” He whispered.

“Poor baby.” Cass murmured and leaned over her daughter to place a kiss on her forehead. “She is a bit warm. Go ahead and put her on the couch.” Cass nodded toward the living room and Sawyer slowly lowered his daughter to the couch, covered her with a blanket nearby and tucked her bear in with her. He then returned to his truck for her bags and placed them inside the doorway before hunting Cassidy down in the kitchen.

She set a mug of coffee down at the table and slid into the seat across from it with one of her own.

“You must have had a picnic with her. She's not exactly easy when she's sick.”

Sawyer sat down across from Cassidy and sipped the coffee slowly.

“Eh, she wasn't too bad.”

“We are talking about our daughter?” Cass chuckled and set her mug down in front of her. “You know, the one in the living room?”

He rolled his eyes.

“Yes. Sure she was a tad bit grumpy, but it wasn't the end of the world or anything.”

“Are you feeling alright, yourself? Maybe you're coming down with something too?” Cass teased.

“I'm fine. And before I forget, what's the story with this Mandy, she's all Clem can talk about?” He set his coffee down on the table.

“She moved in next door not too long ago. Clem idolizes her. She's harmless, though.”

“Like hell she is.” He grumbled. “She's taking my little girl away. Pretty soon it's not gonna be 'Daddy can we go to the zoo,' but 'Daddy can we go to the mall.'”

“She's twelve. Clem is seven, I think you've got a few more years yet.” Cass laughed.

“Yeah, I know. I still don't like her though.” He smiled.

They sat in silence for a bit each sipping their coffee, waiting for Clem to wake up. Cassidy studied him from across the table and he pretended not to notice. He knew that look, she was formulating something.

“Something is different.” She noted, breaking the silence. “What happened this weekend?”

“Met up with an old friend, is all.” He wasn't sure how to go about telling her. Wasn't sure what the dynamic between the two of them was. He'd never really gotten around to asking Kate about it. He had been surprised that Kate and Cassidy weren't still in contact. True, Cassidy had never said anything about Kate after their first contact. Her name had been mentioned briefly to get his foot in the door, but after that nothing. He hadn't asked for fear that she'd tell him things he hadn't been ready to hear. Kate had been one of those subjects they didn't talk about, much like the relationship that resulted in their daughter. As it turned out, she wouldn't have been able to tell him much of anything anyway.

“Really? Anyone I know?” Cass asked. He was spared from answering when Clem called out from the hallway.

“Mommy? Daddy?”

“In the kitchen, Honey.” Cass answered and stood, meeting Clem at the door. Clem raised her arms up in the air, teddy bear in hand, in the universal sign indicating she wanted her mother to pick her up.

“You're too big for that now, Honey.” Cass said softly and Clem pouted then found her way to the table where Sawyer sat and repeated the gesture. Sawyer inched back from the table enough to let her climb up. Cass sighed softly.

“You spoil her.” She commented and returned to her seat across from him.

“Nah.” He objected and placed a kiss on Clementine's head.

“What is that hideous thing?” Cass asked when she noticed the teddy bear.

“That's 'Not Edward,' I think he needs a better name, though.” Sawyer said, his fingers brushing through his daughter's tangled hair. Clem giggled.

“You keep buying her new toys and pretty soon she's not going to have room in her bed for her.” Cass noted and sipped more of her coffee.

“Mommy, guess what!” Clem burst out suddenly.

“What?” Cass asked, playing along.

“I saw Auntie Kate and Aaron!” Cass looked up at Sawyer with a look he knew all too well and he looked away. Too late to play dumb now, he supposed. He'd kind of hoped to get out of there before Aunt Kate was mentioned. It was one thing to get chewed out over the phone, another to sit in her kitchen.

“Is that so?” She had that tone in her voice, the one that warned him to run while he still could, telling him his instincts had been correct on the subject. Only problem with that was his daughter. Currently cozied up on his lap with no intention of moving.

“Yup, did you know Auntie Kate isn't Aaron's real mom?” She whispered as if the news was shocking. He supposed he probably should have tried to explain that better to her. But she hadn't asked and he had been distracted by other things.

“You'll have to tell me all about it in a little bit. Why don't you take your stuff upstairs and unpack. Your dad and I need to have a little talk.”

Clem pouted and Cassidy sent her a warning look that had the little girl scurrying from his lap in a hurry. He really could have used that look earlier. Now it just served to make things worse.

“Well, I've got a long drive ahead of me and...” He started to stand up.

“Uh uh, sit down.” That look really was something fearsome, he noted as he obeyed.

“So, Kate huh?” She prodded.

“Yeah, we ran into her and Aaron at the ice cream parlor. She had a great time playing with Aaron.” He supplied sheepishly.

“And?” She stood and leaned on the table beside his chair, coffee mug in hand, other hand on her hip. As if her added height gave her some kind of advantage over him. Oddly enough, it did.

“And they had a play date last night?” He continued. He knew she wasn't going to give up until he told her everything, but he was hesitant. He knew where she was going with it, and it was a place he wasn't all too sure he wanted to visit with his ex.

“And?” She fished, placed her mug on the table next to her.

“And what? There isn't anything more to tell.” He took a quick sip of coffee. Burned his tongue in the process of trying to hide behind the mug.

“Oh, please. There is always more to tell. She was head over heels for you when I first met her. You really messed her up. So I'm asking... and?”

She wasn't. Not Kate. Yeah, he had been pretty whipped back then, but Kate never had been. Kate had always been her own free spirit. Playing ping pong with her feelings. The last thing she had been was head over heels.

“She wasn't. And there really isn't anything more to tell. We're friends. We caught up. End of story.”

He hoped she would drop it. He really didn't see a point in it. As far as he was concerned that's all they were ever going to be. Cassidy's grilling was not going to change that.

“You gonna keep her in your life?” She seemed to accept his answer and changed tactics, picking her mug up again and walking back around to the other side of the table. She grabbed a package of cookies from the counter as she went and plopped it down in front of him.

“I don't see why not.” He pulled a cookie free and popped it in his mouth. Cassidy paused at his words, halfway in her seat, she nodded. Then settled the rest of the way and let his words weigh on her mind for a moment before looking him directly in the eye.

“I'm telling your right now, if you break her heart again, so help me, you are going to wish you'd died in that plane crash.” She threatened. He wondered what it was about Kate that inspired such passionate defense of her feelings. He had been no stranger to the urge to defend her in the past, he just wasn't used to hearing those words in relation to himself. Like he could break her heart, let alone again.

“Your sentiments are sweet, really Cass, but there is no need. She and I are friends. Nothing more.”

Cass nodded and took a cookie, turned it in her hand as if examining it before taking a bite. Weighing his words with her perusal of the cookie.

“Right, like you two could ever just be friends.”

Claire hadn't believed Kate either, he could tell by the look she had given them both when she found them the night before. Why wouldn't anyone believe them? Oh well, Cassidy could live in her delusional world if she wanted. It was clear nothing he said was going to change that.

“ _We_ are.” He pointed at Cassidy and then back at himself, trying to prove his point. Hell, they shared a daughter, if they could be just friends then why was it so unbelievable that Kate could be nothing more than a friend?

“We are a completely different situation. You never loved me like you loved her.”

How would she even know? He didn't recall Cass being on that island with them. She thought she knew him so well.

“I didn't-” He objected.

“Cut the bullshit. You did.” She interrupted. “Which is why I'm telling you to watch yourself. She doesn't need you to ruin her life again.”

Again? Really, this was unbelievable. He wondered if maybe she wasn't projecting, just a little bit. This was about him and Kate, not what he'd done to her.

“I didn't ruin her life, she went on and had a perfectly happy life with Jack.”

Cass shook her head and smiled sadly. Gave him that condescending, how little you know, look.

“Is that what you're calling it? Happy? Oh they tried to be, but I think everyone knew the truth of that situation. She might have loved him, but it was never the same way. She carried you in her heart for years. Did she tell you why she broke it off with Jack?”

He had never asked. It wasn't his business. But the tone of voice Cass used, that soft, gentle, this might hurt, voice. And the way she looked at him like she might just pity him. It all indicated that maybe it was his business.

“Well... no.” He hesitated. He wasn't sure he wanted to know, and he didn't exactly want Cassidy to be the one to tell him. If Kate wanted him to know, she would tell him. It wasn't his business until Kate decided it was. If he was going to be her friend, he wasn't going to go digging for dirt on something that was dead and gone. Something that should stay buried.

“Maybe you should ask her one day.”

He was glad Cassidy could respect that.

“Maybe I will... one day. But really, I don't see a need to muck things up. I'm telling you, we're just friends.” He reaffirmed. Sure part of him would probably always be curious, but it wasn't enough to risk what they had. At one time that knowledge would have been irresistible, now it just seemed like extra baggage. He was glad he had moved passed it all.

“Keep it that way then.” She said softly.

“Not going to be a problem. You done with the third degree now, Mom?” He teased and set his empty mug back on the table.

“Yes, now go help your daughter unpack.” Cassidy ordered as she started to clean up the table. “I can tell you're anxious to get out of here.”

“It's a long drive.” He protested.

“Uh huh.” She smiled and nodded again, not quite believing him.

He simply rolled his eyes and took off to find his daughter.

It didn't matter what she believed, it wasn't any of her business anyway.


	6. An Old Feeling

 

 

_  
***_

_Well you're the closest thing I have_   
_To bring up in a conversation_   
_About a love that didn't last_   
_But I could never call you mine_   
_Cause I could never call myself yours_   
_And if we were really meant to be_   
_Well then we justify destiny_   
_It's not that our love died_   
_It just never really bloomed_

_And then we saw our paths diverge_   
_And I guess I felt OK about it._   
_Until you got with another man,_   
_And then I couldn't understand_   
_Why it bothered me so._   
_How we didn't die we just_   
_Never had a chance to grow._

_And it might not make much sense_   
_To you or any of my friends_   
_Though somehow still you affect the_   
_Things I do._   
_And you can't lose what you never had_   
_I don't understand why I feel sad_   
_Every time I see you out with someone new._

_Well I can't let go_   
_No, I can't let go of you_   
_You're holding me back without even trying to._   
_I can't let go_   
_I can't move on from the past_   
_Without lifting a finger you're holding me back._

Can't Let Go  
 _-Landon Pigg_

_***  
_

“Damn Girl, you clean up nice.” Kate rolled her eyes and slugged him in the gut as she tried to climb up on the barstool next to him without flashing the entire room.

“Claire's idea. Personally, I think she took it a little too far.”

He slid down from his barstool next to her, put his hands on her shoulders and held her back. His eyes sweeping from the top of her head to her feet.

“I don't know. I think Claire might have something.” He smirked.

Kate tugged at the little denim skirt that barely covered her ass as she tossed him an annoyed look. He laughed. He wasn't going to object to Claire's little fashion experiment, not when Kate wore it so well.

When she'd walked in he almost hadn't recognized her. Her hair had been tamed, the curls missing, instead she wore it in a complicated looking knot on the back of her head, the tips sticking out messily, some kind of jeweled stick holding it in place. Her eyes were intense and smoky. The freckles covered; her lips full, dark, and glossy. Large dangling earrings swung wildly in her ears, almost touching the porcelain of her bare shoulders.

He got lost somewhere between her shoulders and her knees, had to pull himself together again. There was just so much skin. Not only had Claire put her in the shortest skirt imaginable, but she had completed the look with a top that was more missing than there. A soft gray with a neckline so low he wondered why anyone bothered with it at all. He could almost see her navel, and his view of the sides of her breasts were only partially obscured by a jeweled contraption that held the front together in the middle.

Some kind of chain held the scrap of cloth up by traveling around the back of her neck. And the rest of the back? Well there was a band of fabric around her waist, he supposed that counted. The fabric fluttered when she moved and he wondered how the whole top seemed to defy the laws of gravity and keep her covered enough to be seen in public. It was a marvel, how even with its extra folds and creases, it managed to hide nothing of her shape.

He half expected some skanky heels to finish the look, but Claire hadn't gone that route. Instead Kate had on a pair of well worn cowboy boots, which not only contradicted the complicated nature of the top, but somehow managed to balance out the overtly sexual look of it and give her an innocent, fresh appearance.

“It's ok, then?” She asked shyly. She was out of practice. It had been ages since she had gotten dressed up and hit a bar. Most of her younger years were spent on the run, and she hadn't had many girlfriends to hit the town with before then anyway. Her wardrobe had consisted of causal and easy, until Jack. And then she had skipped fun and gone straight to serious and high class. When Sawyer had suggested they hit a bar, Claire had been all too eager to step in. They had spent ages looking for what Claire had deemed the perfect outfit. And if she hadn't known Claire was enjoying it so much, she would have gone right back to her jeans and tee.

When she had tried this top on, Claire's eyes had lit up like a Christmas tree. Kate had objected profusely and quickly discarded the idea. She had settled on a much tamer option, that covered not only her back, but most of her chest as well. But then Sawyer had called to ask if she wanted to catch a movie or something, Claire had taken the opportunity to switch the tops and pay. The skirt had started out as a pair of jeans as well... she still didn't know how Claire had managed to switch that. And in her most genius move of all, she had talked Kate into getting ready at her place.

Her conniving friend, had kept the purchases there because, after all, that's where she would be getting ready. Effectively keeping the contraband hidden, until it was too late to do anything about it. But Claire's scheming hadn't ended there. No, that would be too easy.

She had kept Kate busy until the last minute. Would she mind running out for a minute and getting some milk for breakfast, she didn't want to cart Aaron with her later? Could she help Aaron get ready for bed, the dishes needed done and Aaron loved it when she read him a bedtime story? By the time she had hopped in the shower she was already running later than she would have liked.

The final offense was when Claire slipped into the bathroom and confiscated her clothes. Something about doing a load of laundry anyway. It wasn't until she stepped out of the shower and walked into the bedroom wrapped in a towel, only to find the offending outfit laid out on the bed, that she realized just how much effort Claire had put into preventing her from getting out of the house in anything else. (Did she mention the only clothing she had left in the dresser in the corner of the room consisted of a ratty sleep tee and some flannel pajama pants?)

Claire's only concession had been the boots. Kate had drawn a line there. She was not about to risk her life in strappy concoction designed to kill her feet.

“You look amazing, Freckles.” Sawyer confirmed.

“I better, I think Claire had me locked in the bathroom for an hour and a half before she deemed me worthy to leave.”

He chuckled and climbed back up on his barstool, ordered Kate a drink then turned his attention back to her as she tried once more to get up on the stool.

“Need some help there?” He teased, his mind flashed back to his daughter, two weeks ago trying to climb up on a stool in that ice cream parlor. Since that day, his life had improved in so many ways. It seemed he was either on the phone with Kate, or hanging out with her. It was nice, having someone he could count on. Someone to kill the time with. When he had suggested they hit a bar together, he had been surprised she had agreed so readily. In their brief discussions, although mostly avoiding the topic of Jack, he had picked up on her hesitancy at getting back on the horse. But when he had asked her if she wanted to go out and find themselves a rebound together, she had joked that she could be his wingman. He smiled at the memory.

Part of him had been uncomfortable at the thought of her moving on, especially if Claire dressed her like this. It comforted him to know that this way someone would be there to fend off the jerks and losers she was bound to attract.

“ _You_ try doing anything in a skirt this short. I'm going to kill Claire later.” She growled in response. He slid down and wrapped his hands around her waist, lifted her easily onto the stool as she blushed, then quickly hid behind her drink.

“I'm surprised she talked you into it.” He admitted with a flick of his head. “Always pictured you as more of a jeans girl.” He threw is drink back and emptied the glass.

“Oh, you have no idea the lengths she took. I had no idea what hit me. Remind me never to underestimate her again.” Kate ran her finger around the rim and studied the ice floating in her drink.

“Claire? Really? I find it hard to believe.” He chuckled.

“Don't let her innocence fool you. She's a pro.” Kate affirmed vehemently and turned to him with a slightly furrowed brow.

“You know, this top is actually your fault now that I think about it. If you hadn't called when we were leaving the store to ask if I wanted to hang out, then I would have left with the shirt I'd selected and not this one.” She gave him a slight eyebrow raise and picked up her drink.

“Well then, I'll be happy to take credit for that. You can ask any man in here and they'll tell you I did good. A lot of them would thank me for it even.” He gave her one final appraising look then quickly scanned the crowd behind her. He was right, they were interested, and it wasn't just the men either, he noted with a smile.

“Apparently it's not just the guys either.” He teased and nodded slightly. Kate furrowed her brow and turned to catch the eye of a redhead in leather. She tipped her head to the side with a raised eyebrow, then licked her lips. Kate quickly turned away.

“Claire is going to die.” Her cheeks bright red now, Sawyer couldn't help the laugh that escaped. She was adorable when she was embarrassed.

“Aw, come on, Freckles. I'm sure she's not that bad. There are a lot of guys who would find the idea of the two of you, rather lovely ladies, together an incredible turn on.”

“I'm sure.” She sounded less than thrilled with the idea as she gulped down more of her drink, then casually glanced around the room. Her eyes lit up and a devious smile crossed her lips.

“I guess we'll just have to find you a man then. I mean if we aren't finding one for me, we might as well find one for you. Especially if I'm getting a girl.” She teased and continued to hunt the crowd for a viable option.

“Oh no, it doesn't work that way. We can both find girls, then if mine doesn't work out, you still have a fall-back option.” He had that smug look that she just wanted to kiss right off his face... No, scratch that. She didn't want to kiss him, she wanted to kill him. Yes, that was it. Well, maybe not kill, maim would work just as well. Better even.

“I wouldn't object anyway.” His smug look turned to one of feigned innocence.

“I see you've thought this out.” She retorted, her voice carrying the hint of a smile. The underlying flirt in her already begging to come out and play. He had not anticipated that. Sure, they teased each other mercilessly. But both had managed to stay relatively clear of that sexual tension that had hung so heavy over them in the early days. Her top and smile were starting to test those waters, and he found he wasn't objecting perhaps as loudly as he should be.

He had to be careful here, it wasn't like he didn't remember how well certain parts of them had worked. It was the stuff that didn't work, that ended things between them. And for good reason. They made much better friends than lovers. Not that they ever really had time to discover just how good things could have been. Seemed like something always got in the way back then. Still, if they were meant to be together, they would have found a way.

It was pointless to even think about it now.

Sawyer seemed lost in his thoughts for a moment and Kate was about to interrupt his inner dialogue when a small hand came down on her bare shoulder. Smooth skin, well maintained nails. She knew who it was even before she caught Sawyer's contemplation turn smug. Bastard was getting a kick out of it. Of course he would.

“Can I buy you a drink?” Her redheaded admirer asked.

She didn't know how she was supposed to answer that. She hadn't believed the woman would actually come up and ask. Part of her wanted to say yes, purely because Sawyer knew she'd say no. She wanted to turn his smugness to surprise. But she couldn't do that at the cost of someone else's feelings.

“I...” She hesitated and cast a look at Sawyer.

“Oh. I'm sorry I didn't realize...” The woman started to apologize as she glanced from Kate to Sawyer, picking up on the way he hovered closer and the way she had turned her body on the stool to mirror his. She took a step back.

“Oh, no we're not...”

“No, it's not like that...”

They both objected at the same time. The woman paused for a moment and seemed to weigh the situation in her head. Perhaps not quite believing them.

“Well then?” The woman finally asked, determined to take their word, even if she still seemed hesitant to believe.

“I'm sorry...” Kate started and the woman nodded.

“It's okay, Sugar. If you change your mind, let me know.” She winked then turned to Sawyer. “And Honey, I know of a few guys who wouldn't mind having your number.” She nodded toward a group of men who seemed to eye them eagerly from the corner of the room.

Kate giggled, balled her fist in front of her mouth to try and contain it. Sawyer gave her a death glare.

“I'm sure they would. But I'm not either.” He explained, the smugness replaced with contrition. Somehow it was not as funny when the shoe was on the other foot, Kate noted.

“Well hell, I don't get you two then. You related or something?” She had one hand on her hip, her head cocked to the side in curiosity. Kate didn't understand what was so odd about the situation, but it seemed no one believed them.

“No, we're just friends.” Kate tried anyway. The woman rolled her eyes.

“Sure, whatever works I guess.” She tossed out then left them alone.

“Don't you dare, Freckles.” He warned. She smirked. Like she was going to let a golden opportunity like this pass her by. He never would.

“But _Honey_ , there are a whole bunch of guys for you over there.” She teased.

Wanting to turn the tables on her, he leaned in, his forehead inches from hers. Her stomach did that funny flip thing as he hovered for a few moments. He shouldn't cause this, a voice in the back of her head reminded her.

Screw it. She was going to have fun, and no amount of stomach flipping was going to get in the way of that. It meant nothing, just the remnants of a failed relationship. Not even a relationship really, just a random collection of moments on an island. Neither one of them had been ready, or capable of much more back then.

He was an excellent lover, that was all it was. As he should be, with all the practice he had. Her body remembering what his had done to it.

“Freckles.” He whispered. Still with that intense look in his eyes, and his breath on her skin, she couldn't help the dryness of her throat, or the pounding in her ears.

“Yeah?” She whispered back, entirely too breathy. Entirely too lost.

He smiled, wrapped his hand around her drink and pulled back quickly.

“I think I'm going to have to cut you off.” He remarked as he finished her drink, tugging at the collar of his dark button up shirt. It was damn hot, he noted.

She slugged him, mouth agape at her now empty glass.

“I guess I'll just have to get someone to buy me another then.” She slid off the barstool, her skirt riding up with her movement, her hand catching it and pulling it back in place as her feet hit the floor. Not before he got a not entirely unwelcome flash of thigh though.

“That was the plan.” He nodded. “You ain't freeloading on me all night.”

Kate cocked an eyebrow and adjusted the neckline of her shirt. It was his turn to dry swallow as her movements revealed a hell of a lot more skin. Skin he'd once had the privilege of touching and tasting. He knew that just under her left breast she had a cute little birthmark, and if she moved any further, everyone else was going to know it too. The urge to cover her with the jacket he had left in his truck rang through his mind.

The man on the other side of her, took the opportunity to stand, and not so casually glance down the front of her from over her shoulder. Trying to get a show, without an invitation. _He_ might have to kill Claire later. Sawyer eyes full of fire met the stranger's eyes and he backed away with his hands lifted in surrender. Kate furrowed her brow and looked over her shoulder.

“What was that about?” She questioned and he shrugged it off. He supposed he would have to fend off guys like that all night. Last he checked, Kate didn't exactly have stellar judgment when it came to the opposite sex, case in point: him. The last thing she needed was some guy only interested in getting under that tight little denim skirt.

It was seriously going to cut into his game, but the sooner he found a guy for her, the sooner he could move on as well. He didn't know why, but he'd had this compulsive need to hook her up with someone for almost as long as they had been reconnected, ever since he'd seen that stupid twin bed. Something about it stung and stuck with him. She was not meant to be alone. Not meant to give up. Even the suggestion of it tore at him.

Something in his stance reminded her of that night so long ago when he had thrown down his gun in exchange for her freedom. Part of her wanted to wrap her arms around his waist and pull him free from whatever darkness was stealing into his thoughts. To remind him that they weren't on the island anymore, they were safe here.

She had noticed that there were days when it seemed he was not with her at all. Very much like now, he would go somewhere in his head, make some decision, and she would be left waiting for him to come back to her. She supposed it inevitable, after all they had been through. After all, she certainly had her moments when she was back on that island too.

Still, when he did something that reminded her of those days, it was hard to stand back and wait for him to come back to her. Hard to pretend that it never happened. Because that's what was making this work. They didn't talk about the island. They talked about their lives after, and more recently had even touched on some of their lives before the island. But they never came out and talked about what happened during their stay, in more that a few random words and misplaced sentences.

The island was off limits. They both knew it. It was still too painful, too raw. Too full of what ifs. It was easier to let sleeping dogs lie. Healthier to ignore any kind of infatuation they had shared there. Safer too.

So they left the island on the island. Only approaching it in discussion of Juliet or Jack, and those conversations stayed short and simple, were full of unspoken words, and meaningful silence. And most importantly, were quickly moved on from.

“We gonna stand around all night?” Kate asked when the fire had receded from Sawyer's eyes. The bar he had chosen had more of a country western feel to it and a room in the back had couples dancing, a few pool tables lined the walls, dartboards in another corner. She hadn't objected because it reminded her of her days before her run in with the law. Those carefree days, fresh from high school... well almost fresh from. She used to sneak into bars with Tom back then. In fact they'd celebrated graduation in a place very much like this one. She always imagined that this was the kind of place Sawyer would feel at home in as well, and was glad they shared that.

“No, there's a pool table over there with our name on it.” Sawyer grabbed her wrist and tugged. She smiled, he was going to be sad he chose pool. Before the night was out, she would own him. Tom had never been able to beat her at it.

Twenty minutes later Sawyer didn't know what to do with himself, or where to stand. When she bent over to make a shot, her cute little ass stuck out in the air and her shirt exposed an indecent amount of her chest. He'd fended off five or six guys already, but the night was young and she was showing no indication of even noticing the men busy plotting their way into her panties. A few of them had gathered behind her waiting for her next turn he supposed.

It was really throwing his game off, she was beating him by a wild streak time after time. He finally decided to sacrifice his pride and let her win. Only pretending to take each shot seriously, while trying to plot out where he would have to stand, or who would get the evil eye next. She wasn't a piece of goddamn meat.

“I hate to break it to you, but you suck at this.” Kate remarked then bit her lower lip in concentration. One of the drooling masses stepped closer and Sawyer slid behind her to cut the man off. He rested his hands on the pool table on either side of her and she turned to face him.

“Can I help you?”

“Make the damn shot already.” He growled.

“Touchy. It's just a game.” She tried to soothe his temper, not in the least bit aware that he didn't give a rat's ass about the damn game anymore. He sneered over her shoulder and her head flung around in time to see a dark haired man back away from the opposite side of the pool table.

She giggled.

“You know, if you scare all of them away I really am going to be left with just the women.” She leaned in and whispered in his ear. Her chest pressed into his, her back arched backwards slightly as he leaned over her. He had the sudden urge to press her back against the pool table, pull her legs around his waist, and forget everyone else. He shook the notion from his head.

“At least a woman would care more about what's in your head that under your skirt.” He whispered back.

“Oh, you mean like they do.” She lifted her hand to his face and gently pushed his head to the side. It seemed he had a fan club of his own. He was usually better at catching those things. He offered the ladies a smirk and enjoyed their attention for a minute before Kate pulled on his shirt to get his attention again.

“You going to get off of me now?” She asked.

“I would, but I'm enjoying myself.” He felt slightly ridiculous, wondered how long she had noticed him chasing guys away. Wondered why it mattered. And the way her heart pounded against his chest reminded him of that night so long ago when he had held her naked skin close to his as she curled up against his chest. Moonlight filtering through the bars of a cage, casting shadows on her skin.

“I'm sure there are plenty of ladies here who would enjoy you as well.” She teased. Part of him really didn't care if no one else enjoyed him again. Not if it meant he had to step back. “And could you please stop scaring off all the guys, I'm running out of tricks.” She pushed against his chest and he took a step back.

He needed to take a giant fucking leap back. She was getting under his skin in all the ways she used to. She was right, he needed to back off.

“You don't need to flash the entire room to get attention, Freckles.” He said softly and she ran her fingers across his cheek.

“I'm perfectly aware of that, and I promise you it's not my intention.” She said so softly he almost couldn't hear her in the noisy room.

“It's what they were hoping for.” She could see how conflicted he seemed. He had always been protective of her. It was an endearing quality once upon a time, and she supposed that it still was sweet. But they weren't on the island and his protective streak was walking the fine line separating it from over.

“I'm a big girl, Sawyer. I can take care of myself. I have been doing just that for a long time now.”

“Freckles, your track record isn't all that great. I mean you hooked up with me.” He raised one eyebrow, as if his words explained everything. She put her hands on her hips, pool cue still caught in her fingers.

“And what was so wrong with you, James?” She would admit to not having stellar judgment in the past, but not because she picked losers, she just picked men not right for her. There was nothing wrong with him and it angered her to think he thought so. He wasn't the man he claimed to be before the island, and he hadn't been that man in an awful long time.

Did he still see the fugitive when he looked at her? If he still saw himself as the conman then it was likely.

“I was a fucking conman! I slept with women to steal their money!” He shouted, heads turned and Kate waited till everyone turned away again before continuing, noting a few of his fan club slip back into the crowd. Surprised that most of them stayed put, pretending to be enthralled by their drinks.

“Did you sleep with me to steal from me?” Of course he hadn't. He had been so turned around back then by her that he would have done anything just to be in the same space. There had been no ulterior motives, surely she didn't really think there had been. What could he have possibly gained back then from her?

But that didn't make him any better.

“Well, no. But...” He lowered his voice and she interrupted him.

“Nope.” She shook her head then continued. “Have you returned to your old habits of sleeping with women for their money?”

He wasn't going to let her continue with this, it was pointless. Their argument wasn't about him and who he had become. It was about her and not picking the best option. She should have picked Jack from the start and not played around with him. She knew it too. He knew she knew it.

“No, but that doesn't mean I wasn't a selfish son of a bitch back then. I wasn't good for you.”  
She smiled at his frustration.

“News flash: I wasn't good for you either.” She paused to let it sink in. “But I think it's fair to say we've both changed, and that our taste in the opposite sex has changed as well. I'm not looking for forever, and neither are you. If I want a guy who just wants a good time, that's not necessarily a bad thing.”

“I just don't want you getting hurt.” The look on his face was priceless. It made things melt inside of her and her knees a little weak. It took any venom she had right out of the equation and made her want to comfort him instead. But she had to make him understand, she didn't mind a little heartache. It was better than the empty nothing she had now, and it was necessary if she wanted to jump back in.

“It's sweet, James. It really is. I love that you care, but it's part of the game, isn't it?”

“It doesn't have to be.” He shook his head. Her life had been littered with so much hurt, he couldn't help but want to protect her from anymore. He didn't know how he thought he could do that. But he knew that she didn't have to get her heart broken to love someone.

She set the pool cue on the edge of the table and pushed against his chest, backing him into a small corner and sitting down at the table there. She tugged on his wrist to get him to sit across from her.

“You really believe that?” She asked when they had settled. “You think that just because it doesn't hurt every once in a while, it must be meant to be? Personally, I think that's the biggest load of shit I've ever heard. If you love someone, they are going to hurt you, intentional or not. You must have fought with Juliet from time to time?” She questioned, her hand covering his where it laid on the table.

“Well sure, at first we fought a lot. But over time... I don't know I guess it just became easy.” He smiled at the memories. It had always been like that with Juliet, easy and safe. “And she never broke my heart in the traditional sense. Yeah, it broke when she died, but that wasn't her fault.” He tried to explain the peace he'd found with Juliet, but knew that she would never understand that. She always wanted to live on the edge of things, halfway submerged in hell. There was no peace in her world. Just quiet in between moments. She was too restless for more.

“You're lucky, then. Jack made it a common occurrence. But it didn't mean we didn't love each other, we just never found a way to live with each other. Some days were good, really good, and I thought: Yeah, this is right. This can work.” She smiled weakly. “We just never got the chance to really prove it.”

“I'm sorry.” He offered softly.

“Don't be. Aaron made up for it. For anything I missed out on with Jack. I had Aaron and he gave me so much more than Jack ever could.” He put his other hand over hers and squeezed.

They sat in silence for a moment before she continued.

“I envy what you had with Juliet. It was all I ever wanted with Jack.” She stared off for a moment lost in her memories. He let her.

“You have too much passion to ever be happy with the kind of life Juliet and I lived.” He broke in quietly after a few minutes. “For the most part it was boring. But after all the shit that had gone down on that island, we were glad for boring. You know, I never would have looked at her if we hadn't been trapped together. Never would have stayed if it hadn't been for what came before. I wonder sometimes how different my life would have been, how much I would have missed.”

“Had.” Kate corrected. “I don't know. After everything, I'm tired of it all. You know? I just want to find someone I can be happy with. Being Aaron's mother changed me. I didn't want to run anymore. I think that's why the whole thing with Jack hurt so much. I don't think he ever really thought I could change.”

“I'm sure he did, Freckles. Maybe he just wasn't ready for it.” He offered with a small smile.

“Maybe.” She agreed weakly, the corner of her mouth just turning up a hint.

“I'm gonna get another drink, you want anything?” He offered as he pushed his chair back and stood.

“Not right now.” She answered. “Also, you might want to say something to that blond over there, she's been eying you like candy all night long.” Kate tilted her head to the side to indicate a woman in a blue print sundress. He nodded, smirk in place, and headed over to the woman.

Kate watched them talk for a few moments. The woman giggling up a storm, Sawyer enjoying every minute of it. He seemed so much more put together than she was. Kate sighed and pushed back from the table. She wasn't ready for this, not like he was. Maybe she never would be. She would wait a few minutes then go hunt him down and tell him she was calling it a night.

She was on her way to the bar when it happened. He bumped into her out of nowhere.

Sawyer saw the collision and his immediate reaction was one of wanting to go help her out, but he held himself back and soon she was laughing and following the dark haired man to the dance floor in the other room. He knew that look on her face, she was interested. What he didn't expect was the pang of... almost jealousy... or maybe more of regret that immediately followed her exit.

Nah, it was probably just indigestion.

He turned his attention back to the blond in front of him. Her name was Amber, she was a veterinarian, and new to the area. Born in Louisiana, and moved to sunny California with her sister who wanted to pursue a career as a model or actor, or some other kind of Hollywood icon. He found he wasn't paying as close attention as he should have been, his mind busy wandering to what was going on in the other room.

“Do you dance?” He asked suddenly. Amber's face lit up.

“I thought you'd never ask.”

His name was Kyle and he was a lawyer, Kate learned as he spun her around the floor. She was no good at the dancing thing, her mind kept wandering back to the counter and a conversation between the man she had come with and an attractive blond. Kyle was born and raised in the northern part of the state, but had spent the better part of the last ten years working in L.A. at a prominent firm, he was about to make partner and was out with his friends celebrating.

Kate caught Sawyer dancing with his new friend out of the corner of her eye and relaxed. She didn't know why not being able to see what was happening between the two of them bothered her. But it did. Now that he was in the same room and dancing she felt better and quickly dismissed his presence, turning her attention back to Kyle.

They laughed and joked and two songs later she gave him her number. Two songs after that they had a dinner date arranged for the next night. During the next song, someone else cut in which started the process of being passed around.

He was having a great time. He had to admit that once he saw that Kate was okay, and in relatively good hands it was easy to relax and go with the flow. Amber wasn't the brightest crayon in the box, but she was entertaining enough and she quickly gave him her number and implied she might be free the next night as well. He took her up on the offer and decided to take her out for dinner the next evening. He didn't see a point in waiting.

Eventually Kate made her way back to Kyle. He smiled and held her close.

“Unfortunately, I have to take off after this song. But I can't wait till tomorrow.” He murmured next to her ear, his hands resting safely on her waist. She smiled, her heart starting to pound in her chest.

“Me either.” She whispered. He wasn't as tall as Sawyer and she could easily see over his shoulder. It seemed Sawyer had found himself in a similar situation, the attractive blond resting against his chest. He offered her a smile and she smiled back. But it didn't reach her eyes, part of her still wanted to be the one he held close. She supposed it would probably always be like that.

He held Amber closer, closed his eyes and tried to block out the image of Kate. Of someone else making her smile.

“I'll see you tomorrow then.” Amber murmured and backed away when the song ended. Sawyer smiled and kissed her cheek.

“Tomorrow.” He replied, in the background Kate was untangling herself from the man she had been dancing with as well.

He watched Amber go as Kate slid across the floor to him.

“So?” She questioned, grin plastered across her face.

“Who's the guy?” He asked and pulled her into his arms. Kate laughed as he tried to lead her through some kind of country line dance. It ended up with her stepping on his foot more often than not and them bumping into the couple next to them more than once. Her stomach hurt from laughing so hard. But in the process she had managed to tell him about Kyle and he had spilled about Amber.

“So, if our dates end horribly tomorrow, do you want to get together and watch a movie?” Kate asked as the music slowed and he slid his hands down her back. Her skin tingling in response, as he pulled her up to his chest and she wrapped her arms around his neck. His hands came to rest lower than they should have, but she didn't notice.

“Sure.” He murmured into her hair, it smelled heavenly as he rested his cheek against it. Her fingers played in the hair at the nape of his neck, chills running down his spine. He brought one hand up to rub across her bare back and she snuggled in closer.

“Thank you for making me come out tonight.” Her lips brushed against his neck.

“Thank you for wearing this shirt.” He teased as he slid his other hand up her back and crushed her to his chest. She pushed against him half heartedly then tightened her grip around his neck, her chest flattened against his as she danced on her tip toes.

“Hmmm... one more crack about my shirt and I may be forced to give you something else to complain about.” Her leg slipped between his ever so slightly as she made her meaning clear with a faked knee raise, before slipping free again. He swallowed and tried to collect himself. Her _threat_ had done quite the opposite.

His hands slid around to her sides, fingertips dancing over the side of her rib cage. She knew she should scold him for his wandering hands, but it felt so good to have someone touch her. Tease her in that slow tantalizing way he excelled at.

“It's getting late.” He whispered in her ear, close enough that his lips brushed her earlobe and sent chills down her spine. Her heart nearly beating out of her chest. But he showed no sign of moving away.

“I should get home.” She whispered back. Part of him wanted to disagree, to pull her closer and whisper in her ear again, see if he could make her shiver. And the parts of her that remembered his touch wanted no words, just his attention.

They both let go and stepped back at the same time, as if suddenly remembering who and where they were. He looked away, she cleared her throat.

“You ok to drive?” She questioned and he nodded.

“You?” He turned to look at her and she turned away.

“Caught a cab.” She answered.

“Wanna ride?” He asked and grabbed her wrist to grab her attention.

“Nah, I'll wait.” She smiled as she met his eyes.

“Least let me wait with you.” Why was it so easy to get lost in those eyes?

“Sure.” She murmured quietly, and he had to read her lips to understand. He realized then he was still holding her wrist and quickly let it go, then stepped up and put a hand on the small of her back to lead her from the room.

When they got outside it was a pleasant evening, but still colder than it had been when they arrived and Kate shivered in the light breeze. Sawyer directed her to his truck and pulled his jacket from the front seat.

“I'm fine.” She objected.

“You look cold.” He answered with a pointed look at her chest. She blushed and crossed her arms. He draped the jacket around her.

“You sure you don't want a ride.” He asked once more as they stepped out to the curb in front of the bar.

“Yeah, you're the opposite way. A cab is fine.” He nodded and stepped out to the edge of the curb, hand in air as a cab approached, then slowed for them.

“Call me when you get in.” He said as he opened the door and helped her in.

“I will.” She pulled his jacket from her shoulders and held it out for him.

“I'll get it later.” He objected and she smiled and nodded. He closed the door and the cab drove away, her face watching him out the back window.

It was a long time before he walked away, climbed into his own truck, and headed for home.


	7. A New Layer

 

 

_***_

_And don't apologize_   
_For all the tears you've cried_   
_You've been way too strong now for all your life_

_I'm gonna get there soon_   
_You're gonna be there too_   
_Cryin' in your room_   
_Prayin' Lord come through_

_We're gonna get there soon_

_Oh, it's your light_   
_Oh, it's your way_   
_Pull me out of the dark_   
_Just to shoulder the weight_   
_Cryin' out now_   
_From so far away_   
_You pull me closer to love_   
_Closer to love_

Closer To Love  
 _-Mat Kearney_  
***

“What a joke. You home yet? You better not be reading this in front of your date. Give me a buzz when you get in.”

“Just getting in. Didn't want to bother you during your date. Figured you'd be out later. Kyle not a winner then?”

“Be there in 5. Tell you then.”

“Door's unlocked.”

 

He smiled and slipped his cell back in his pocket and tossed his keys on the table by the door. Joke was definitely a fitting word for how his date had gone. He had planned on dinner and a movie... but by the time dinner was over he was more than happy to say goodnight. He didn't want to hope that Kate's evening had gone the same way, he wanted her to find happiness, but part of him really would have rather spent the evening hanging out with her. Now he was going to get his wish, he probably should feel bad about it, but he couldn't.

He crossed the living room and entered his bedroom to change.

She tossed her cell back on the seat next to her as the light turned green and she turned down his street. Amber must have been a let down. She smiled, the thought shouldn't have been so pleasing. Maybe it was because they hadn't even made it through dinner before she left. Disaster was a better word than joke. Kyle was a grade A asshole, she fumed internally as she parked in front of Sawyer's apartment complex and got out of the car, shoving her cell phone in her purse as she walked.

There were five buildings in his complex, four apartments to a building, two on top and two on the bottom. Each apartment had outside access facing a courtyard with a fountain in the center. The entire place ringed with a wrought iron fence and gate that locked after nine. She checked her watch and realized just how pathetic her date really was. It was only quarter to eight. She'd agreed to meet Kyle at seven.

At least Sawyer's date had started a half hour earlier, they'd probably made it through dinner anyway.

Well it wasn't her fault, not really... he should have fucking known better. God, what kind of lawyer hadn't even...

She slammed the gate behind her and stomped over to his building, the first on the left. Her heels clicked loudly against the metal stairs as she climbed to the second floor, then let herself into his apartment.

“You here?” She called out as she closed his door behind her.

His apartment was laid out simply, the front door opened right into his living room. The kitchen was on her right, separated from the living room by a bar that served as his table. Two bedrooms and a bathroom connected to the living room just past the kitchen. By standing where she was, she could see all of the kitchen and living room, he was not in either.

“Yeah.” He said as he exited his bedroom while pulling on a t-shirt. He was still in great shape, she noted as the cotton slid over his perfectly sculpted abs, still sun kissed. She wondered idly what he did to stay in shape and keep that healthy island glow.

Kate licked her lips, pulled her bottom one between her teeth as she shifted on shiny black sky-high heels. She always did have great legs, he noted idly as his eyes traveled over her. Her hair was curly again and resting against her shoulders, making a wild halo around her head. He smiled at the memories it invoked, of strawberries and cages, of late nights under tarps, of firelight and fixations.

She realized she was staring and quickly turned away, placed her purse on the table to her left. He watched her kick off her heels, rub one foot against the back of her calf. Her black skirt narrowed just above her knees, a slit in the back. Her shirt a deep blue, skinny, shiny black belt resting high above her waist, fluttering cap sleeves—really just an exaggerated ruffle on her shoulders. Unlike her shirt from the night before, this one buttoned all the way to her neck, but it still hugged all her curves, and he couldn't say she looked any worse in it. In fact, he might enjoy her like this more, all business like and sexy as hell.

She turned to face him.

“What?” She asked, he was looking at her with that soft expression she never could figure out. Lost somewhere she never could visit. He almost looked half drunk. She smiled, even if she couldn't figure it out, she still always enjoyed it.

“Nothing.” He answered. “You want something to drink?” He questioned as he started toward the kitchen. She walked over to the bar and rested her elbows on it. Watched as he walked over to the fridge in his lounge pants and tee. She had never pictured him as a guy who would even own lounge pants let alone wear them. He looked good in them though, even if they were covered in little bottles of hot sauce and tacky as hell.

“Nice pants.” She teased as he opened his fridge and looked inside.

“Clementine gave them to me.” He answered easily, sexy little grin on his face, as he closed the fridge and moved on to a cupboard.

“That's sweet.” She cleared her throat and placed him back into the friend territory his abs and then grin had him wandering from. She made her way into the kitchen behind him and opened the fridge he had just closed. “I'm starving.” She explained as she surveyed the near empty contents of his fridge. He moved behind her and put his hand on the door next to hers, his other hand on the frame, trapping her. She bit her lip and tried to ignore the way his presence always made her heart race.

“I think I still have some pancake batter in here somewhere? It's probably still good.” He suggested as he leaned closer and pressed himself into her back in search for the missing batter. “Guess you didn't get all the way through dinner then?” His voice right next to her ear.

She sighed, ducked under his arm, and walked over to the counter then pulled herself up to sit on top of it. It was much safer on the other side of the room from him. Especially when he seemed oblivious to how her body had always reacted to him.

“Not quite.” She answered as she swung her feet in front of her. He tried not to smile at how much she reminded him of his daughter sometimes. It constantly surprised him. She did innocent and sweet almost as well as sex goddess. He hoped Clem never picked up on that trick.

At last his search proved fruitful as he found the batter in the back of the fridge and freed it, opened the container and sniffed then walked over to her and held it under her nose. She shrugged then leaned over the sink next to her and grabbed a frying pan from the dish drainer. He took it from her then turned to set it on the stove, adjusted the dials on the back of the stove and scooped some of the batter onto the pan.

She watched him silently for a few minutes, a domestic Sawyer was something she had never really seen and it was almost as intriguing as his father figure counter part. After she studied him for a moment she kicked him gently to get his attention.

“You're in pretty early yourself. Amber not quite as enthralling as you thought she'd be?” She asked, head cocked to the side.

“Not quite.” He mimicked her earlier words and attitude. “Plates are in that cupboard.” He pointed and she hopped off the counter to grab two.

“Silverware?” She questioned. He pointed to a drawer. She collected two forks and knifes then pulled some syrup from his fridge, along with the butter. She set her findings on the counter she had been sitting on as Sawyer slid up behind her frying pan in hand. He reached around her to place some pancakes on her plate, then turned back to the stove to make more. Pouring syrup on them, she watched him out of the corner of her eye.

“Aren't you supposed to flip them up in the air?” She teased.

“Not when no one under the age of ten is present.” He smirked and watched her lick syrup from her fingers, each digit disappearing into her warm mouth. He swallowed back more inappropriate thoughts before continuing. “And no... being as messy as a ten year old doesn't count.” He reached around her and grabbed a dishrag, wetting it in the sink before handing it to her.

“I'm not the one who got syrup all over the outside of the bottle.” She protested and took the rag from him, wiping at the outside of the container.

“Clem.” He said, as if that was all the explanation needed. It was. Aaron had been the same when he insisted on helping, somehow always making a bigger mess. She used to find his sticky hand prints everywhere.

“Hmmm.” She acknowledged with a nod as he once more stepped behind her and deposited his pancakes. She leaned out of his way intuitively, moved back in as soon as he pulled away.

“Clem always insists on hot chocolate with her pancakes, you want any?” He asked as he placed the dirty pan and turner in the sink, running some water over them. He watched her for a moment as she started to put butter on his pancakes.

“It's not imaginary, is it?” She teased, he rolled his eyes and put the lid back on the pancake batter. It might have been the first time she talked about their time after her return to the island. It didn't hurt like he thought it would. She had been his reason to keep fighting back then. When it had been so easy to give up, getting her off the island had given him something to stay around for. Something to take his mind off of Juliet.

“Yeah, cause I give my daughter imaginary food.” He snarked. She giggled and dribbled an outrageous amount of syrup on his food. Just the way he liked it. He had no idea how she knew that about him, but like so many things between them, it seemed natural that she would.

“Nah... but a beer would be nice.” She said as she gathered the butter and syrup, and walked over to the fridge as he opened the door and put the batter back in. He held out his hands for the condiments, then traded them for two bottles of beer. She read the label and smiled.

“You know me so well.” She teased as she held up a bottle.

“A girl after my own heart. I think I'll keep you around.” He smiled and took one of the bottles from her, popped the top off against the edge of the counter and took a swig. She walked over to the counter and grabbed her plate, held out her bottle for him to open as well. He handed her his bottle, opened hers then grabbed his plate and gestured toward the couch with a nod of his head. After they settled on the couch they swapped bottles, but not before he caught her stealing a sip of his.

“Now it's got girl cooties.” He teased, and immediately contradicted himself by sealing his lips against it and taking another drink.

“You like girl cooties.” She answered flippantly and dug into her pancakes, her stomach eager to be satisfied.

“Suppose I do. Still, fair is fair.” He reached over and stole her bottle, taking a sip.

“No!” She objected and reached for it but was not fast enough to stop him. He chuckled when her bottom lip jutted out and she pouted.

“I'm an equal opportunity kinda guy, Freckles. You know that.” He teased as he returned her drink.

“Now my drink has boy cooties in it.” She complained loudly before taking a sip and setting it on the floor by her feet.

“I can see that really bothers you.” He started into his food and noticed that hers was already half gone. She never was one of those girls who ate like a bird, or pretended to not be hungry. No, Kate always ate like she did everything else, with passion and entirely consumed by the experience. There never was a halfway with her.

With anything, he remembered fondly.

She nodded and gulped down more beer to help her food down before answering.

“It does. I mean, who knows where those lips have been tonight.” Her lip quirked up slightly.

“No where worth mentioning. I could say the same of you, you know.” His eyebrow hitched.

She closed her eyes and pretended to shudder.

“Don't remind me. This is my dinner... draw your own conclusions.” He couldn't resist the opening.

“Really? I never pictured you as the girl who would skip out on dinner for a wild night of passionate love making...” He paused, smirked then continued. “Well at least not on the first date.”

“Cute.” He seemed to consider the situation a little more before further interrogation.

“You weren't holding out on me, were you?”

She slugged him lightly and scooped up the last bit of syrup before popping the last bite in her mouth.

“No, if you must know.” She sighed and set her plate on the ground, picked up her drink and turned to face him on the couch. “Kyle is an asshole. I think he exceeds even you.”

He choked on his pancake as he tried to stop the laughter. He wondered just how well she was going to hit it off with a lawyer. He had a sneaking suspicion that this was going to be one hell of a good story.

“He's gotta be a special kind of something to beat me. You want the rest of this?” He wasn't really all that hungry he realized and she had begun to eye the remaining bits of his food eagerly. She took his plate and downed the last bit of his food then placed it on the floor on top of hers.

“Yeah... something else.” She pulled her feet up on the couch between them, he pulled them into his lap and started to massage them. She moaned her approval and he swallowed the sudden desire to turn those moans into something altogether pornographic. “He didn't put two and two together. I mean, I get the average person not knowing... but Christ, my case was in the papers for weeks and he's a goddamn lawyer. Random people still recognize me in the checkout lane... How does he really have no clue?”

He gave her foot a tug and she slid down and rested her head against the arm rest as his hands journeyed up her legs, her calves now also privy to the magic of his strong fingers.

“He had no clue you were that, 'Kate Austen?'”

“None whatsoever, so he's going on and on about how he can't understand a person who could commit a crime like murder. That it makes him sick that so many of them get away with it, or the extenuating circumstances that lead to parole instead of prison. He mentioned something about them having no redeeming qualities and a blight on humanity...”

“What did you do?” He asked and pressed his thumbs into the arch of her foot. She grunted and closed her eyes, threw her head back a little. He swallowed and tried to think about anything other than how similar she looked when otherwise engaged.

“I held my hand out and introduced myself again. Then I stood and told him that I was _that_ Kate Austen, and that I hoped he liked his dinner because there was no way I'd be sharing it, or anything else with him ever. That as far as I was concerned, I'd rather spend an eternity in hell than spend one more minute with a guy like him. Then I left.”

He laughed and set her feet in his lap, grabbed his drink from the floor and took a swallow.

“You make my date with Amber sound like a walk in the park. You're right too, he should have known.” He took a final swallow before setting the bottle back on the floor.

“So why did your date end so soon?” She asked as he started to massage her calves again.

“She's a vegetarian.” He said as if that was all there was to it, as if it explained everything, his hands paused then released her. Kate furrowed her brow.

“So am I. Didn't seem like a deal breaker to me?” It had never been an issue before and it seemed like a petty thing to her. She had to believe there was more to the story.

“No, Freckles, there is a difference. You choose not to eat meat, but if it's your only option, you will eat it rather than starve... You enjoyed plenty of fish on that island. Plus you don't shove it in other people's faces. You're quite content to let other people make their own choices. If I'd offered Amber pancakes I would have gotten a lecture on whether or not there were eggs used in the batter and how awful it was to eat little chicken fetuses... You just went with it.” He waved his hands as he talked, emphasizing each little point as if it was the end of the world. She loved it when he got all riled up about something silly. He was adorable when he thought he was suffering from a horrible injustice, that meant relatively little in reality.

Kate smiled.

“You ordered a steak, didn't you?” She knew him so well.

“Of course I did. Hell, what kind of man doesn't eat meat? Anyway, she went on all dinner long about how disgusting it was. How maybe some people could be so cruel but she never could... You know I think she even gagged once or twice.”

Kate pulled her feet from his lap and came up on her knees next to him. She put her hand lightly on his shoulder before speaking.

“Poor guy. I bet it was just awful.” Her tone full of faked compassion.

“I'll give you awful.” He growled, the mirth hidden in its low tone.

He turned on her and caught her around the waist, pushed her down on the couch behind her, pinning her with his weight as he tickled her sides and she squealed and squirmed to try and get away.

“You're gonna knock something over if you keep that up.” He protested when she tried to push him off of her and the couch. Once more going for the tender spot below her ribs, his fingers somehow finding their way under her shirt.

“It's your place, not my problem.” She tried to slide her knee between them to gain some leverage. He hit a particularly ticklish spot and she squealed. “Cut it out! I swear to God... Stop!” She tried to head butt him, but he had learned his lesson the hard way with that one, and dodged her attempts. Deciding to try one last thing, she stopped fighting him and he pulled back, removed his hands from under her shirt and locked eyes with her.

They didn't speak. They didn't move. Just stared.

Always gave her that feeling. Like he was looking through her. Couldn't hide from him.

Always gave him that feeling. Like she was physically hooked to him. Couldn't shake her.

The sound of her heartbeat echoed off the walls of his apartment, his breath in little puffs against her lips. Her palms flat against his chest, his on the couch cushions under her.

His eyes wandered first, to her lips, and it broke the trance she had been under.

Not a trance, she shook her head to clear it. No, that was her plan all along.

She gave him one good push and he toppled off the edge of the couch, but ruined her plans entirely by grabbing her around the waist as he fell, and pulling her down on top of him. She surveyed the damage from her position spread out on his chest, her legs tangled with his.

They had managed to miss the plates but had knocked over his bottle of beer, thankfully it had been empty. Hers lay an inch to the right of his head and she quickly reached up and moved it out of the danger zone should he get any bright ideas.

“We both had really shitty dates.” She said after a moment of silence and rested her head against his chest. She was in no hurry to get up, it had been a long time since she had felt someone warm underneath her. He wrapped his arms around her waist, let one hand slide up and down her back soothing her nerves.

“Yup.” He answered, she could feel the vibrations all the way through her body. Her shirt had ridden up a few inches, but so had his, he noted as he felt her warm skin press against his stomach. It was nice, comforting even.

“We really have to stop having shitty dates.” She murmured again. His fingers tangled in her hair briefly, then returned their journey up and down her back. She smiled against his chest.

“Yup.” They stayed in silence for a few moments, lost in thought. She missed this feeling, the safe and wanted one. She just wished that she could have it in a more romantic setting as well. Sawyer was great, but all he could ever be was her friend. What she needed was someone who could hold her like this and more. She could never give him more, and he could never give her more. It just simply wasn't meant to be that way.

He missed her. He could admit that. Missed her in a way that was entirely unhealthy. But he was determined to make this friendship work, having her as his friend was better. He just had to keep telling himself that. Not because it was the right thing to do, but because ultimately it was the truth. He cared for her too much to lose her over some silly romantic tiff. What they had now was ten times better than anything they had ever had on the island. Well minus the sex, he really missed that part of the equation.

“I should get up. But you make a really great pillow.” She mumbled but didn't move. Wished idly that she never had to get up. Never had to face the real world again. Could just stay safe in his arms forever. Why did he always make her feel that way? But it was no good. “I should go home anyway. I open tomorrow.” She finished and tried to pull away.

“No, you owe me a movie. I intend to make sure you follow through on your promise.” He objected, his arms tightening around her just a fraction.

“You might have to sacrifice more beer if I stay.” She lifted her head and looked him in the eye as she bartered with him. He had the most content look on his face and it made something inside her stir again. Like there was a little ball of light, sitting in her stomach, and every time he looked at her it glowed a little brighter, warming her from the inside out.

“Oh, I got better than beer. We could get you completely wasted and Kyle will be but a bad dream.” Maybe if he got wasted too they could pretend that nothing happened. It could be a night of drunken revelry.

No, he was definitely going to abstain from any more alcohol. Especially with visions of her naked and high on life dancing through his head. He would have to let her up eventually too.

“I think you just want to trick me into playing another one of those dumb drinking games.” It was tempting, so very tempting. She knew a few drinking games herself that often led to things involving a lot less clothes. Which was why perhaps calling it night might have been the best option.

“Ah, come on, you had fun. Just think about all the blackmail information you could get from me.” She smiled. Parts of it had been fun. He had always been able to make her smile back then, even if he often followed it up with tears. She was glad the tears were lacking this time around. Which was why she would stay. Things were never going to be easy between them, but they could maintain their friendship without sex.

He could see her thinking it over. He wondered if it was as hard for her as it was for him. Wondered if it was memories of Jack that kept her warm at night, or if he had featured in any of them. Heaven knew she had been playing the lead in most of his thoughts lately, even when she shouldn't be. But he was wise enough now to know where to draw the line.

So was she.

She rolled off of him and came to her feet.

“Still wearing pink? Maybe you added something a little more feminine to your wardrobe? Got some stilettos I don't know about?” She teased then jumped out of his reach as he tried to grab her ankle and take her down in retaliation.

“Yeah, they're right next to my blowup doll. If you want you can go check out my closet. I'm beginning to think that is the only way you'll believe me.” He rolled his eyes as he sat up.

“You just want me in your bedroom.” She stood in front of him with her hands on her hips, declaring her aversion to the idea with her body language as well.

“Baby, I want you wherever I can get you.” He teased as he pulled himself back up on the couch and patted the cushion next to him. Offering her a truce. She took him up on the offer and sat next to him, as far away as she could, he noted. Perhaps she still didn't trust his truce. He didn't blame her, he wasn't sure he trusted his truce either.

“That line ever work?” She questioned as she tucked her long legs under her and rolled her head to the side, trying to work out a kink in her neck.

“You'd be surprised.” He slid just a fraction of an inch closer.

“I think maybe Amber got away just in time.” She paused and seemed to consider something before speaking again. “That reminds me, I need to whine more about your disgusting meat eating habits and try and force you to eat more rabbit food.”

“You're so adorable when you're cruel and conniving, anyone ever tell you that?” He closed the gap between them and tweaked her nose. She rolled her eyes and slugged him in the shoulder.

“I know. Now, find us something to watch.” She pointed at the TV. It would be nice to just veg out with him. Enjoy the silence together, and just be with her friend. No expectations or demands. Just her and him.

“Bossy too. Hell girl, you ever think about taking on a different career? I'm sure you'd be excellent with a whip.” Part of her was too tired to play this never ending game with him, and her next words slipped out before she could edit them.

“You would know. You did seem to enjoy being bossed around on that island by a certain someone.”

She knew it was a mistake by the way he looked at her, eyes suddenly hard and unforgiving. He slid away from her before responding.

“Not the only one, Sweetheart. As I recall it, you played puppy dog to someone yourself. Were willing to screw just about anyone or thing around you to do his bidding.”

He didn't know why it bothered him, he knew she hadn't meant anything by it. Or at least he hoped she hadn't. He couldn't help thinking she was mad at him for falling in love with another woman, or that part of her was anyway. Which was really stupid considering she had left him for another man. There had to be some truth to it, though, why else would it come out? And as irrational as it was, there was a time when he had been mad at her for doing the same thing.

“Are we gonna watch something or not? Cause I'm tired and would like to go home if we're just gonna sit here and...” It hurt. That his words could still hurt like they did, the thought that he could think of her that way. The cold look on his face and the expanse of couch between them. It all hurt. And suddenly all she wanted was to make it better. To have him back, playing band-aid for her soul. Like he had always done before.

“I'm sorry, ok? It was uncalled for. You loved her, I get it.” She said softly, trying to bridge the rift between them. She didn't even know why she had said it, didn't know if she was joking or not.

“Yeah, whatever you say. Forget it, ok? Just forget it.” He didn't want to talk about it, wanted to forget it had all happened at all. She should have known better. Not gone there.

“Some days, I really wish I could.” She muttered under her breath. He pretended not to hear her.

“Anyway, I'm sure there is something on...” It was their first official fight. Oddly enough it hurt almost as much as their fights on the island had. Even if they weren't romantically involved, they still had the power to cut each other deeply.

It was a truth he had mixed feelings about.

He flipped the TV on and switched through channels randomly as she watched him from the other side of the couch. He was lost in his own pain again and she hated herself for putting him there.

Why were they always so bad with words?

She slid across the couch, her hip resting against his, shoulder to shoulder. Waiting for him to get up or tell her to move. He settled on a channel and she studied his profile as he watched. He pretended not to notice her.

He was locking her out again.

She rested her head on his shoulder and he brought his arm around her back. Held her to him. He couldn't stay mad at her forever, but he would be a whole heck of a lot more careful when it came to her. He had let his guard down, so had she, and that was why they had fought. That was why she had said that.

Because she was tired and had a shitty date and she herself had told him she was envious of his relationship with Juliet. It made sense that she would imply he was Juliet's puppy. He had pushed her buttons and she had pushed back, like always.

They both stared at the screen, not watching. Eventually she slid down and rested her head on his thigh, his fingers tangled in her hair and soothed her to sleep. But he kept pretending to watch the screen. Trying to ignore the woman in his lap, but needing her there at the same time.

It had always been that way between them. Probably always would be. Things would be great and fun and easy... and then they would be painful and dark. Yet they always came back to each other. Always orbiting. Like maybe they couldn't break away, couldn't live full lives without the other. He had to admit that since she had returned he had found some kind of peace and happiness that had been missing.

She was the only one who could hurt him and heal him in under a minute. Juliet had come close, but had never been able to hurt him as deeply as Kate did. Maybe that's why Kate's words had stung so deeply. He feared some kind of truth in them.

But it didn't matter anymore. None of it did.

He glanced at the clock, felt the hour settling in his bones so he gently extracted himself from underneath Kate's head and grabbed a blanket to tuck around her sleeping form. She stirred as he leaned over her and woke.

“What time is it?” She asked softly, her eyes bleary with sleep.

“Late.” He whispered.

She threw the blanket back and tried to stand but he stopped her with a hand on her shoulder.

“I need to go.” She argued.

“You can stay here, I'll set an alarm. You're too tired to drive anyway.” She nodded and closed her eyes again.

She was going to wake up with a sore neck and probably her back too, if he left her on the couch. But he didn't want to wake her up further, she was already almost back to sleep. She could use Clem's bed.

Making his decision, he bent over and slid his arms under her knees and back, gently lifted and she rolled into him, tucked her head into the crook of his neck, her arms locking around it. Awake enough to hold on, but not enough to know better.

“You can have Clem's bed.” He murmured in explanation in case she was aware of her surroundings enough to question.

“Mmmkay.” She murmured against his neck and tightened her grip on him, nose nuzzling into him.

The short distance from the couch to Clem's bed felt like an eternity. She was warm and familiar in his arms, adorably sleepy. Her guard totally down. His heart felt as if it had expanded in his chest, painful, but something he wouldn't trade for anything.

He set her on Clem's bed, tucked the plaid purple and green comforter around her. Then, before he could stop himself and tell himself all the reasons not to, he placed a chaste kiss against her brow. Lingered as his thumbs brushed lightly against her cheeks and his hands held her head to his lips. Closed his eyes as that feeling of comfort, she was always so good at giving him, washed through him.

After a moment, he let her go and stepped back. Watched as she flung herself to her side, her mouth dropping open and a cute little snore escaping. Her legs hitching up to bend at the knees. Her hair a dark sea of tangles on the pillow.

Eventually he left her, closed the door behind him and returned to his room where he set an alarm then paced his room for twenty minutes trying to resist the urge to go back in there and cuddle up behind her. What he settled for was a cold shower and a few hours working on his manuscript.


	8. A New Rule

 

_***_  
_I sit and wonder of your pause_  
 _What makes you so sure_  
 _Our sins are not the start_  
 _Of something holy, divine._

_I don't like the sound of this_   
_No news is bad news_   
_And all is quiet_   
_And all your looks_   
_Give no betrayal to what you shield or hide_   
_Wider walls have not protected_   
_Anything or anyone_   
_The way I will protect your burning heart_   
_I know you're careful_   
_'Cause I've been burned before_   
_And I know how it makes you careful_   
_And I know your symptoms_   
_Are complicated from holding against the impulse_

_But if you're alone_   
_Are you lonely?_   
_Well you just don't have to be lonely_   
_Anymore_

  
No News is Bad News  
 _-Dashboard Confessional_  
***

“Freckles...” He blew on her face and she scrunched her nose up and rolled over, turning her back to him. He smiled. He had been trying to get her to wake up for five minutes, cup of steaming coffee in hand. “Time to get up.” He coaxed again, as he set the mug on the bedside table and sat on the bed behind her.

She groaned and pulled the blankets tighter around her neck, sinking further into her warm cocoon.

“I have coffee.” He tried again. Still no response.

“Don't make me get in there with you.” He grabbed hold of the blanket and yanked it from her. Sometime during the night she had woken up enough to shed her skirt, the blue shirt she'd been wearing, and apparently her bra as well, leaving her clad only in a silky black slip. Very low cut, trimmed in lace, it barely covered her as it had ridden up and rested around her waist, her dark boy shorts on display as well as the very cute curve of her ass where it peaked out under the shorts. He placed the blanket back over her waist to prevent his eyes from looking at parts of her that should stay secret, even though his fingers itched to trace them. It would be a long time before he could burn that picture from his brain.

“Come on, Kate.” Get up and stop looking so damn fuckable all snuggled up in bed. Truth was even if they did go there, even if he did have the right to slide in softly behind her and wake her up in a much more pleasing manner... She still wasn't the kind of girl who would stay afterwards, and it was only his empty arms that ached for companionship trying to lull him into that false belief, that this time it could be different.

He didn't want it different, and she could offer plenty of companionship as his friend. It just figured that she had to be drop dead gorgeous on top of all the other complications.

“Five more minutes.” She groaned and threw a pillow over her head.

In five more minutes he might find himself under the covers with her doing very not friend-like things. No, she could not have five more minutes. She needed to be up and dressed and acting like his friend, not horizontal and playing the sleepy eyed minx. Even if he was enjoying the show.

He stood and grabbed her around the waist, weaving his arms under the blankets, his hands wrapping around sharp little hip bones.

He tugged, she slid out of bed, her feet quickly scrambling for purchase on the ground as his hands fell away.

“Hey!” She cried out as she blinked away sleep and tugged at the slip, her nipples sharp little points against the fabric in the chilly morning air.

This wasn't any better. He noted. Her hair a wild and tangled mess.

“You're going to be late, coffee is on the table.” He pointed then made a hasty retreat from the room, his eyes not leaving her form.

Kate looked down confused. Her cheeks reddened in embarrassment at the sight that met her. She had forgotten just how comfortable she had made herself the night before. No wonder he hadn't been able to tear his eyes from her, she was practically naked. She only hoped he hadn't noticed just how sheer the slip actually was. In the right light, it was almost see through. She thanked whoever was listening, that it was still dark outside and that the glow of the bedside lamp did not give off a lot of light.

Nothing she could do about it now, she supposed as she picked up her discarded garments from the night before. Even though she hadn't spent the entire night in them, they were still hopelessly wrinkled. She spread them out on the bed and debated her options then remembered the bag in her trunk. She had gone back to Claire's the other night, after the bar, and Claire had handed her a bag of clothing the next morning, all of her missing clothes cleaned and neatly folded. Instead of returning them to the dresser in the guest room, she had put them in the trunk of her car and forgotten about them.

She was sure there was something in there that would work and her gym bag held a pair of sneakers that would save her feet. Smiling, she plopped back down on the bed and grabbed the mug of coffee he had supplied for her, took a sip then set it back down. Just the way she liked it. Sometimes it was scary how well he knew her.

She stood again and wrapped the comforter around her, held it together with one hand as she grabbed the cup of coffee and ventured out to the living room. He sat on the couch, enjoying a cup of coffee himself, an open book in his lap and a pen in his hand.

“Whatcha working on?” She questioned as she sat down next to him and pretended to look at what he was writing. He quickly flipped the book closed.

“Nothing.” He answered as he set it aside.

“Nothing?” She questioned eyebrow raised. He felt stupid for trying to hide it from her. It didn't mean anything, it was just some dumb story. He looked back at the book and debated telling her. It wasn't a big deal after all.

His 'nothing,' sure seemed to be something, she noted. Her interest more than piqued. She wrapped both hands around her mug and looked over the top of it at him, pretending disinterest. Maybe if she didn't push him, he'd share.

“Just an idea really. For a book... maybe. I don't know.” He said then quickly took another sip of coffee so he wouldn't have to talk anymore. It scalded his tongue and he pretended not to notice.

“What's it about?” She asked after a moment's hesitation. She didn't want to scare him off the topic, but the worn leather cover of the notebook beckoned to her, her fingers eager to trace over his words and explore his thoughts. It was like a private tour of his brain, and hell if that wasn't tempting she didn't know what was.

“It's not really all that important.” He shrugged, something about her questions put him on edge. Maybe he related too much to his characters. Who did he think he was fooling anyway? Anyone who knew him and read it would know that it was just the story of him and Jules, in a different setting, with a different ending. He didn't want Kate reading that. It wasn't hers. And he knew it would only hurt her.

If the shoe had been on the other foot, if she had been writing their story—Jack and Kate...

Well, he wouldn't want to read it, because he really didn't want to know. Not only was it none of his business, but he didn't want to find out just what she had lost. Maybe he was a coward, or maybe he just wasn't ready to hear how much she had loved Jack. Which was stupid, because he was perfectly fine with her loving him. Really. It made him feel less guilty about Juliet, and comforted to know she hadn't been alone.

He supposed there were just some things that they shouldn't address, and his manuscript was going to be on of them.

“Just leave it be.” He added softly a moment later.

It was important, she could tell by how defensive he was getting about it. But she wouldn't push it, if he wanted to share it with her he would. Even if it killed her to wait. She had gotten more out of him than she thought she would anyway, and would have to be okay with that.

“Ok.” She agreed. Maybe one day he would want to share it with her, and maybe he wouldn't. It didn't matter, they were friends. Friends didn't necessarily share every detail of their lives. Some boundaries were needed and good. This obviously was one of those things that crossed that boundary.

But she would be lying if she said it didn't bug her. If just the thought of it lying so close, hiding all of those things they couldn't talk about—she knew intuitively that it did—begging her for just one peek... It was going to be on the back of her mind for a long time.

He nodded and stood, picked up his notebook and carried it with him to the kitchen, where he set his mug in the sink and turned the water on, effectively ending any possibility of a peek or continued conversation on the topic later. Allowing him to rebuild any damaged wall alone, far away from her.

“Can I use your shower?” Kate called out, her head turned in the direction of the kitchen.

“Sure.” He called back, then reappeared a few seconds later. “I thought I'd walk down to the coffee shop on the corner and pick up something sweet for breakfast, you want anything?” He asked as he hovered halfway in the living room, halfway in the kitchen. Undecided and unclear.

Kate stood, pulling the blanket around her tighter she shuffled to stand next to him. Took another sip of her coffee, with a smile in her eyes, then brushed passed him to deposit her mug in the sink.

Letting out an internal sigh of relief, he turned to face her and leaned against the wall, watching as she filled her mug with water and set it next to his. He smiled, somewhat relieved. He was worried she was offended by his brush off, but she seemed to take it in stride. He was grateful. He didn't want things to get weird between them, and after their argument the night before he was afraid they were on an unhealthy course.

“No thanks. Before you go, would you mind... I've got some clothes in my trunk and...” Her free arm disappeared under the comforter again and she pulled it tighter, lifting the bottom so it wouldn't drag on the floor when she walked.

“I'll get them.” He offered as he pushed away from the wall, allowing her to pass by him.

“Thanks, my keys are in the side pocket of my purse and I'm parked just across the street.” She said as she walked to the bathroom door, pausing in the doorway to wait for confirmation.

“No problem, the shower is a little fussy, turn the handle all the way to the left before you turn the water on or you're going to get freezing cold water dumped on you when it comes on. When you turn the water off, make sure you turn the handle back to the middle or it drips. Plumber is supposed to come look at it sometime this week, but who knows when that will be.” This he could do, simple small talk. Nothing heavy or complicated. They could be good at this. It felt natural. Plumbers and breakfast... even her borrowing his shower, these were safe topics. (Though he did wonder, idly, when her naked in his bathroom became a safe topic. Or even natural.)

“Kay.” She beamed. She couldn't remember a better morning. Something about waking up to his hands on her, she supposed. Even if they were completely innocent. It was just the not being alone part. For years she had Aaron, and Jack. Then nothing. It took awhile to get used to it, and even getting used to it didn't mean she preferred it. “Thanks.”

“Not a problem.” He answered softly as she disappeared into his bathroom, the door closing behind her, the shower turning on a moment later. He couldn't wipe the grin from his face. Wondered if they could organize more sleepovers. Something about seeing her so relaxed was more than enough to put him in a good mood. He figured it was a lot like when Clem spent the night, just having someone he cared about to wake up to in the morning made a difference.

He shook his head at himself. He was turning into the biggest sap of all time. He never got this way when Miles crashed on his couch. Of course Miles never looked so damn cute in the morning either. And if he had, that would be more disturbing than comforting. His mind flashed back to the last time Miles had crashed on his couch and he shuddered slightly at the memory.

Pushing the thought from his head, he picked up her purse and located her keys. As he set the purse down, her cell started ringing. He fished it free and looked at the display.

Claire.

She wouldn't mind if he answered, he decided. So he flipped the phone open and pressed it to his ear.

“Hey Mamacita, what's up?” He asked as he explored Kate's key ring. Pretty standard, a few keys and a 'World's Greatest Mom' keyring that looked like it had seen better days. He wondered how long it had been there, if she even remembered it existed, or if it was one of those things she'd looked at so many times she failed to really see it anymore.

“Sawyer? Sorry, I thought I called Kate.” She sounded confused. He smiled as he shoved Kate's keys in his pocket.

“You did, she's in the shower.”

“Oh...” Claire paused. “Oh! Gosh, I'm sorry if I interrupted anything... I just wanted to double check and see if she was going to be working today, I thought she said she was but I wasn't sure. I have some errands to run and Aaron and I were going to stop by the diner if she was in, for lunch.” She blurted out. He could almost see her turning red over the phone. Well it wasn't his fault she insisted on believing that they were more than friends.

Though he couldn't really blame her, with the amount of times he had thought about touching Kate in the past forty-eight hours, he supposed their actions could be misleading.

“You didn't interrupt anything.” Sawyer chuckled, while trying to ignore the part of him that almost wished she had. “She had kind of a rough date last night and she stopped by. It was late so she crashed in Clem's bed. As for if she's working today, she is.”

He wondered if it was odd that he knew Kate's work schedule better than Claire did. He could always blame it on the fact that she had slept over, but in reality he had known she had to work today before last night. It was probably just because they'd spent so much time together lately.

“Oh, good. Hey, you should stop by too, that is if you don't have any plans? Aaron hasn't stopped talking about you and Clem since the other night.” Claire offered.

“I might take you up on that offer.” He never had stopped in to harass her at work. He could have a lot of fun with that. Maybe get her to lighten up a bit about the job. He knew she hated it and was only using it as an excuse to get out of the house. She didn't need it, and if she really wanted to work they could find her something better. Though he didn't mind becoming her distraction instead of work.

“Have Kate give me a call, we'll set it up for when she gets off of work.”

“Ok.” After a brief exchange of goodbyes he hung up and tucked her cell back into her purse. He would stop by, it wasn't like he had anything else going on.

Kate closed her eyes and let the hot water wash over her skin. She was going to smell like him. Clementine's soap had an overwhelming sickeningly sweet smell to it and there was no way she would be able to stand it long enough to wash with it, let alone have it linger on her skin. One of those soaps designed for kids, in a brightly colored container. Clem's shampoo was the same scent.

It was fine, Sawyer's shampoo and soap had more of a fresh scent to them, almost unnoticeable. She was never more grateful that the man who owned the shower she was using, preferred something not in the Old Spice family. She held the soap bottle up to her nose and smiled. Yeah, this would do fine.

As she finished with her shower, she wondered if Sawyer had found everything alright; and as she turned off the water she contemplated what she was going to do about clothes until he brought hers in. She wondered what was taking him so long. Her car wasn't that far away.

He was ambushed by his neighbor and her dog almost as soon as he stepped out the door.

Shelly had been eying him up since the day he moved in, and Sawyer didn't know how to make it any clearer. He simply wasn't interested. She had one of those small dogs, the kind that get under your feet and get stepped on, the kind that yap incessantly until you just want to throw them off of something tall to get them to shut up. And what was it that people said about people and their dogs? Something about them being alike. He supposed that summed the two of them up exactly.

“Good morning, James.” She said, her dog already yapping and trying to tangle its leash around his legs. He wondered if she did it on purpose, maybe she taught the dog that trick. If he was tangled and trapped, he couldn't get away and had to listen to her yap like her little dog.

“Morning.” He said shortly and tried to brush passed the two of them.

“I noticed you had a guest last night.” She pried. Not that it was any of her business. She was always 'noticing' things like that. Made him wonder just how she happened to be in the right place at the right time to 'notice' all these things.

He smiled, a wonderful idea forming in his head. It would get her to back off. Kate might kill him later, but he supposed it was worth the price, and Kate would understand—probably do the same had the situation been reversed.

“Still do. Kate and I go way back.” He could tell it worked by the expression on her face, too quick to school into submission.

“Oh.” His neighbor faltered and stepped back. “You two serious then?”

“Well, I don't know how you define serious, but I know I want to keep her in my life for the rest of it.”  
It wasn't a lie, not really. He did want her to stay in his life for the rest of it. If Shelly decided to misinterpret that, it wasn't his fault.

Oh, if Kate ever found out he was so beyond dead.

“I see.” Shelly looked a little heartbroken, and for a moment he felt bad. That was until he remembered all the times he had needed to fend her off, the unexpected visits, the pushy prying conversation, the overly opinionated outreach, and her yapping dog who had just decided to try and chew through his shoes—while they were on his feet. “Bad girl, Fiona. Leave James alone.” She tugged on the leash.

He wondered if a Great Dane could make a snack out of the little thing. Probably. Maybe he'd take Kate after lunch and see if they could find something suitable to do the job.

Kate wrapped a towel around her chest and waited impatiently for Sawyer to return. When she had waited a few moments longer than she would have liked, she peeked her head out the door and called to him. He didn't answer, so she opened the door and wandered out into the living room. He was nowhere to be found.

Walking over to the window in the kitchen, she looked out and saw that he wasn't still at her car. His cell was plugged in on the table by the door so she couldn't call him. Maybe if she peeked out the door she could see if he was on his way back. Debating the likelihood of anyone seeing her, she hesitated for a few more moments but decided she just didn't have the patience to wait anymore, so she cracked the door open.

He was standing with his back to it.

“Hey, you planning on coming back in anytime soon?” Sawyer spun around and saw Kate, clad only in a towel peeking out at him.

“Uh...” He hesitated then his neighbor pushed him aside and held out her hand.

“I'm Shelly, I live next door. How do you know James?” The little rat of a dog tried to push its way into his apartment as well. Kate's hand flew to the towel, fingers locking around the fabric to ensure it stayed where she put it. With her free hand she took Shelly's hand, questioning Sawyer over the woman's shoulder.

“Uh... I...” She tried to come up with an explanation that didn't involve a plane crash in which he was supposed to have died. They never talked about what his actual cover story was, or if he'd gone through the work of having himself reinstated among the living. It had taken a very long time and a lot of effort to prove Claire was in fact, still herself and still alive.

“Kate and I used to be neighbors.” He supplied and gently moved Shelly and dog from his doorway, stepping in next to Kate and wrapping his arm around her waist. “Didn't we, Freckles?”

“Yes?”

It was true, they had been neighbors on the beach. Still she didn't quite know where he was going with this. His hand was mighty friendly on her back.

“It's ok, Baby. Shelly knows.” He leaned down and placed a kiss on her wet hair.

“Oh?”

What the hell was he doing? He pulled her closer to him, his fingers wrapping around the side of her waist. Shelly stepped back another step however.

“Yeah, she caught me headed out to your car this morning to get your things.”

He knew she wasn't stupid, he had given her enough and pretty soon, if she wasn't completely pissed at him for using her as a shield and hiding behind a lie, she would start playing along.

“I see.”

So she was his fake girlfriend, huh? Oh, he was going to regret that choice. She turned her face toward his and he was looking down at her, seeking confirmation. With a wink and a grin she let him know she understood and would play along.

“You're one lucky woman. I've been trying to catch James' attention for months. I guess his heart was probably yours all along though.” Shelly said sadly.

Oh she would play along, but she never said she would play nice. Besides the fact that he was holding her hostage in a towel and forcing her to have a conversation with his neighbor, and despite the fact that he hadn't even made it out to her car for her clothing yet, it was the look on Shelly's face that decided her next words. She couldn't help but feel a little sorry for the woman.

“Between you and me, he's getting kind of up there in age... things aren't... well you know what I mean I'm sure.” She held a hand to the side of her mouth and whispered conspiratorially, then turned to Sawyer with a sickeningly sweet look. “Snugglebottoms, when you go out, don't forget to pick up your.” She giggled and made a hand gesture indicating his nether regions. “Well you know. We don't want another repeat of last night.”

Did he say Kate was going to kill him? He might have to amend that to him killing her. Still, he supposed he deserved it.

“Of course, Snookums. I'll get something for that problem you're having too. You should probably call the doctor though, I don't think skin should ever be that color. ” He smiled back sweetly, then mentioned something about a horrible rash under his breath.

“He's so sweet.” Kate elbowed him subtly in the gut. “Always looking out for me.”

“It's the least I can do, Freckles.” He put his free hand on her upper arm, his fingers pinching her slightly before he pretended to caress her.

Fiona started barking again and Shelly just ignored her. She was too fascinated by the scene in front of her, which was why she missed the fact that her dog had to go to the bathroom and decided that Sawyer's shoe was a good a place as any to lift a leg, so to speak.

Maybe a Pit Bull.

“FIONA!” Shelly screeched as Kate jumped back to avoid being splattered. It took everything he had in him not to kick the damn thing. “I'm so sorry!”

“It's fine.” He muttered. Kate giggled and put a hand on his shoulder.

“Poor Baby.” She cooed next to his ear and placed a sweet little kiss on his cheek.

Well, perhaps Fiona had her uses after all. He wondered what he could get from Kate if Fiona actually broke skin. He didn't have long to ponder it as Shelly decided that it was passed time she walk the little rat, and after a few more anthropologies and a promise to replace the shoes, she left him standing alone with Kate in the doorway as the sky turned a glorious orange with the rising sun.

“A rash, that's it?” Kate teased when Shelly had left.

“You're standing in my door in a towel making up horrible lies about my abilities in bed, what did you expect? Maybe if I had had time to process the half naked woman in front of me...”

He didn't really mind the half naked aspect of it. Little droplets of water running from her wet hair down her shoulders to be caught in the navy towel she clung to with her right hand. Pale skin dotted with freckles. Cute little toes, on small feet, attached to those glorious legs. Yeah, he really didn't mind at all.

“Not my fault you still haven't gotten my clothes. I'm beginning to think you are doing it on purpose.”

She placed her left hand on her hip, cocked her head to the side with that delightful little eye raise, her lips quirked slightly. He was trying his hardest not to look at her chest, she had to give him credit for that. But his eyes kept wandering back and she found it more than slightly amusing. Wondered just how long they could keep this up.

“Well, now that you mention it, perhaps you should seriously consider the fresh from the shower look, I think it might do wonders for your tips.” He teased with an eyebrow raise of his own.

It certainly was doing wonders for him. Try as he might to ignore it. But she had all the right pieces, put together so... He cleared his throat and tried to remember why he wasn't going to tear her towel away.

“Or you could go get me some clothes so I don't have to stand here and freeze all day. Fiona might come back and decide I need to be marked too. Or I might throw you to Shelly.”

He was too interested, something warned. It reminded her of how her wet hair resting on her back and the slight breeze didn't mix well. Reminded her that she was standing there in only a towel for the whole neighborhood to see.

“What on earth have I done to deserve that!” His outrage was slightly humorous, but Kate decided against laughing. He seemed rather upset by the very thought. Still, he shouldn't have played that she was something more than she was to him.

Now they would have to play those roles every time they bumped into Shelly, and Kate had the feeling that might be often. Besides that, what right did he have to...

What was more upsetting was the fact that she didn't know if she should be mad at him or secretly glad to have the opportunity to play pretend with him.

“You need to ask? Really?” She tried to distract him from her own confusion on the matter. He hadn't really done anything too awful, it was just her own uncertainty that made things difficult. If she was really his friend, she should be happy to help him out. He would have done the same for her.

“Oh, go inside. I'll be back in a few minutes.” He rolled his eyes and started toward the stairs.

“You better be.” She called after him and moved to close the door but he stopped and turned to face her again.

“Oh, before I forget, Claire called. She wants to meet up with you for lunch. I told her you'd call her back.”

He couldn't read the look she gave him. Halfway between confusion and irritation with perhaps a sprinkling of trepidation? He had no clue.

“Answering my phone, too?”

It didn't matter. So why did she feel so damn territorial? Why did she feel like he was stepping over boundaries?

“For Christ's sake, it was Claire.”

Perhaps she had pushed him too far. It wasn't his fault she was so fucked up. It didn't matter, none of this did. She was making mountains out of molehills.

“I'm just teasing.” She amended, then stepped out on the porch and placed a hand on his shoulder. “She really does rub you the wrong way, doesn't she?”

Who knew what was going through his head. She was so fucking insensitive sometimes. God, she couldn't even do friends right.

“It's not that. It's just...”

He didn't know what it was. Maybe it was just that Kate was seriously starting to mess with his head. Maybe they needed some time apart or something so he could reevaluate. This would be so much easier if she wasn't attractive. So much easier if she could just be one of the guys. So much easier if he didn't know what she felt like around him. What she sounded like when she slid over the edge.

If she was wearing fucking clothes.

“Hey, you don't have to explain anything you don't want to.”

She was losing him again. Why did that make her want to cling to him even more? Even when she knew it was the last thing he needed. She should turn around and go back inside. She should leave him alone.

What the hell were they doing anyway?

“I know.”

It was sweet of her, to be concerned about him. But she was the last person he needed to talk to about this, whatever this was.

“Come to lunch with Claire.”

She whispered.

“Yeah?”

He questioned.

“Yeah.”

She smiled, eyes squinted, head to the side as if she was trying to read him.

“Claire already invited me.”

He pointed out as he placed a hand on her shoulder.

“Yeah, but we both know you wanted me to ask.”

And perhaps that was the whole problem. He wanted her to ask. He wanted her to want him there. He supposed that could mean relatively little, really. Friends did things together. So what if he wanted to have lunch with her. He wanted to have lunch with Claire and Aaron too, and he didn't have any lingering feelings of lust toward them.

That was it. Just lust.

It was a relief to know there was nothing more between them. For a moment he had been terrified he was falling for her again. But no, lust explained everything perfectly.

She must have said something right because he cheered right up. Maybe he had wanted her to ask, maybe he had wanted her to want him there. Part of her was thrilled at the thought. Like a tiny bird inside, trilling its little heart out. But God, no. That was so wrong.

There was no place in his life for that kind of twisted hope. And no place in hers either. She was not going to fall for him again. She needed him too fucking much to love him. So she had better get her act together and wake the hell up, because loving people was the kiss of death.

IT. WAS. NOT. HAPPENING.

These pep talks were getting annoying.

“Sure, but only because I was thinking about getting a dog for when Clem visits. She's been begging for a kitten for ages now, but I think I can convince her dogs are better. I figured you could help me pick one out.”

He figured it was a good a reason as any, and he really did want her to come along. She was a girl, maybe she would have some insight that he didn't into what kind of dog Clem would enjoy the most.

“Ok.” She beamed. Clem would love it.

“Ok. I'm going to go get your clothes.” He said softly and released her shoulder. Her hand still rested on his arm and she pulled it back quickly.

“I'm going to go inside and call Claire.”

They both stared at each other and didn't move. A door from the building across the way opened and slammed shut. Kate jumped.

“You better hurry, you're going to be late.” He noted.

She nodded and blushed, then turned and disappeared back into his apartment.

New rule: No sleepovers.

It messed with his head too much.


	9. An Age Old Question

 

_***_

_Somehow_  
_I'm leading someone else's life_  
 _I cut a star down with my knife_

_And right now_  
_I still see the way the moon_  
 _Plays this tune_  
 _Though our lights died._

_My hands shake_  
_My knees quake_  
 _It's every day_  
 _The same way._  
 _Cause then came you._  
 _Then there's you._  
 _I keep your picture_  
 _In my worn through shoes._  
 _Then there's you._  
 _Then came you._  
 _When I'm lost,_  
 _I look at my picture of you._

_And somehow_  
_I'll make tonight our own_  
 _I'll show you every way I've grown_  
 _Since I met you_

_And right now_  
_I'll be the boy in your next song_  
 _I'll learn the parts and play along_  
 _If you let me._

Someone Else's Life  
 _-Joshua Radin_  
***

“You guys are swamped today.” Claire said softly as Kate slid into the checkered black and white booth across from her and Aaron, next to a big picture window overlooking the street. They had been sitting in the small diner for a half hour or so waiting for Kate to finish her shift.

“Aunt Kate!” Aaron greeted with a smile as he picked up a red crayon and continued to color on the back of the paper placemat in front of him.

“Yeah, sorry. I told Carl I'd help out till you guys showed up, then things just got kind of carried away.” She explained to Claire then turned to Aaron to see what he was up to. “Hey, Little Guy, that is one awesome firetruck.”

She only knew it was a firetruck because that was his drawing of choice these days, she had a few of them on her fridge at home already, and she treasured every one of them.

“It's ok. Sawyer still hasn't shown.” Claire said softly as she watched Kate fuss over her son, a waitress quickly dropped off a glass of water for Kate as well. Kate nodded her appreciation as the woman hurried off to the next table. Usually when they ate here together, Kate took care of all their needs, as it was easier on everyone involved. But with Sawyer coming too, she wanted to sit still and enjoy their time together, so her coworker had offered to help out.

“Oh.” Kate turned her attention back to Claire. It wasn't all that surprising really. Hadn't part of her expected this from him? “Maybe he isn't coming.” Especially after that morning.

“What happened?” How come she always knew when something was off between them? Kate had hoped that they weren't so transparent, but Claire always seemed to know when to ask how she had screwed things up. Maybe it came from the almost two years they had spent together under the same roof. Regardless, sometimes she wished that Claire wasn't so observant.

“I don't know. We've kinda had a few... awkward moments, I guess. We shared some less than pleasant words last night and then this morning... I think I pushed him too hard. I just want for things to be simple between us.”

Wanted them to be so simple that perhaps she had forgotten the simple truth: that despite everything, he was always more inclined to leaving than staying. So was she for that matter. Well, maybe not so much anymore. Who was she kidding anyway; they had both outgrown their fear of commitment a long time ago. No, if he left again, she would have no one to blame but herself. A somewhat paralyzing thought.

The simple truth she wanted to forget was that he would always love Juliet, and that she could never be part of that part of him. The part he reserved for the dead woman, was always going to haunt them, just as Jack would. She could be his friend, but ultimately he would be the one who decided exactly what that meant. She just hadn't learned all the rules yet. Once she had, then they would be able to sail smoothly through life together as friends again.

Claire seemed to consider her words for a moment as she twirled a purple crayon in her fingers.

“He's your best friend. It's natural to want things to stay uncomplicated, but Kate he's not just your best friend. He's your ex too.” She set the crayon down next to Aaron with a meaningful look cast in Kate's direction.

Kate knew that. She had known that things were bound to be rocky every now and then because of their history. But was it wrong of her to want to forget that part of them? Was it wrong of her to want to start over with him and do it right this time? To avoid all the hazards and pitfalls any relationship other than friendship would bring them?

“Jane is my best friend.” Aaron piped up as he swapped his red crayon for a green one and started to color grass underneath the firetruck. Grounding it. Kate wished someone would draw some grass under her, she felt so lost and confused in everything happening around her.

“I'm sure you are hers too.” She murmured as Claire patted Aaron on the head then took a sip from her water, waiting for Kate to continue. When she did, her tone was quiet and reflective. “Oh, I know, and I'm mature enough to admit that once upon a time I loved him. I still do in a way, I guess?”

Looking up she made eye contact with Claire and tried to judge her response, as if she was searching for something. Confirmation maybe. She didn't know anymore.

“You guess?” Claire lifted an eyebrow and Kate blew out the air in her lungs through a heavy sigh. She freed her straw from its wrapper and placed it in her drink, trying to buy some time to think things over more.

The fact of the matter was that Kate didn't know how to explain or define how she felt for Sawyer. She never had known. It could be overwhelming and sweet, or tragic and painful. It varied so much and so often, she never felt like she could tag it with a name. Sometimes felt like tagging it would only belittle it.

It was enough to just know it. To understand it in all its vague namelessness. Like he did, or at least like she thought he did.

“Well, it's different than it was with Jack. I mean... I don't know what I mean. I just know that most days I wish we had never been together on the island. It would make this easier, but for as hard as it is, at the same time it's the easiest thing I've done.” She tried to explain.

It was always so strange, how conflicted and contradicted they were. Most of the time, being with Sawyer was a lot like breathing, effortless and easy, almost intuitive. But then they would hit these rough patches that played with her head in true Chinese Water Torture fashion. Complete with dripping doubts and fears, broken words and lost meanings.

She knew that if she had never been with him, if she had never opened her heart to him, then the difficult times would not exist. It was their past that clogged up the gears of their friendship. Their past that loomed overhead in a gray cloud of disaster just waiting to rain down destruction.

“Do you really regret being with him on the island? Honestly?” Claire asked. Kate played with her straw wrapper, rolling it between her thumb and finger, studying it like the answers to all of her problems would suddenly be revealed by its shape and texture.

Did she?

Could she really picture a life without those few tender moments? Could she forget them and be content never knowing just what it was like to, for a brief moment, be the object of his affection? Or was that connection what enabled them to keep going back then, and to eventually want each other back in their lives? Was that feeling of being loved and finally belonging somewhere, even if it was only for a moment, worth all the pain it caused now?

“No, I guess not. Maybe. I don't know, because when I think about that I have to wonder if he'd be back in my life at all if we were just friends on the island. I know he doesn't want to hook up with me now and I don't want that either, but I have to wonder if our lingering feelings for each other are what actually make this work.”

Claire nodded. She understood all too well the painful realities Kate was facing. What Kate probably didn't see and might never see, was that despite what happened, in the end it was up to her to decide what happened next. She had to make her own choice about living in the past or making a brighter future. She was the only one who could answer those questions, and until she did, things were going to be awkward and difficult between them.

Anyone with eyes could see that the feelings were still there, even if they were buried or tainted by other things, and until they admitted that to themselves, Claire was going to be having an awful lot of these conversations with her friend.

Hoping to expedite the process but leery of the consequences, Claire hesitated a moment before asking.

“If Jack and Sawyer were both viable options now, knowing everything you do, who would you choose?”

“Jack. I loved him.” Kate didn't pause in her answer, but found that part of her was still slightly surprised by it. Of course she loved Jack, of course she would want to try again. But shouldn't she have at least stopped to consider what that might mean. She supposed she wasn't as far along in the moving on process as she had thought she was.

“And if it meant you had to leave Sawyer behind?”

And that was the question that kept eating at her mind. What if she did have to leave him behind? Could she do that? And why? To hold onto a ghost? Was it worth that? Did her friendship with him really mean so little to her that she would rather hold onto a memory instead?

And instead of what?

“Why is Uncle Sawyer leaving?” Aaron asked, concern in his features. His wide eyes met Kate's across the table, his crayon clutched tightly in his little fist.

“He isn't, Sweetie.” Claire tried to soothe him, ignoring the new moniker.

“But you said...” He turned to face his mother, seeking the clarity he couldn't find in Kate, because clarity was one thing she was lacking. He just might go away, if she couldn't figure things out.

“It's a grown up thing, Sweetie. I promise you he isn't going anywhere.” Claire ran a comforting hand through Aaron's hair and let it rest on his shoulder for a minute. His eyes turned to her again, and Kate knew that if she didn't confirm his mother's promise it would mean nothing.

Even Aaron knew that it was up to her.

“He's staying, I promise too. Why don't you finish your picture and then when he gets here you can show it to him?” She didn't want that responsibility, she didn't want to be the one who ultimately decided if they could make their friendship work. Just wanted it to be. Without complication or history. Just wanted to be with him and laugh and have a good time, without memories of all the bad stuff.

If she couldn't have that, then why have him in her life at all? And if that was the cost of a relationship with Jack then that was the cost of it.

“It would suck, especially now.” Kate said slowly, almost as if she was still weighing the option in her head. “But I couldn't ignore a second chance at trying to make it right with Jack, it's something I couldn't pass up.”

“Why?” Claire had to admit she was a little startled at the passion in her friend's answer. She hadn't thought Kate was still so attached to the memory of something that could have never been. Something that would have only worked in a perfect world. Claire was not a big believer in destiny or fate, especially after Charlie died. She felt very much like his sacrifice had been in vain, and that if he hadn't bought into that belief he would still be alive. But she had to admit to even herself, that some things were just not meant for this world. Jack and Kate fell in that category, especially now that he was dead.

Kate found she didn't really have a reason that seemed suitable. Maybe it was simply pride. She knew he loved her and that she loved him, and it should have been enough, but it wasn't. It had never been enough for them. She still didn't know why that was. Maybe that's why she would choose him again, maybe she needed answers.

“I don't know.” She admitted. Claire nodded and waited silently for her to expound. “I guess because I know that if things were different now... that I'm different, and I imagine Jack would be different too... We might be able to make it work?”

Was there a right answer? Kate didn't know. So why did she feel like she was just trying to justify herself? Why did her feelings need justification at all?

They would have been together...

“That's a lot of qualifiers.” Claire pointed out, ever the voice of reason.

...in a perfect world.

“I know, but I loved him.”

But that didn't make the world perfect, and it never would. She knew that. She always had. So why was she willing to give up everything over the nice little thought that maybe some day there would be a perfect world for her? She didn't really believe she deserved one. And she wasn't really sure that such a thing could exist anyway. It was a nice thought, though, a nice place to tuck her heart away in. To keep herself safe from the pain of ever losing someone again.

Forgetting momentarily that if she was going to live in a perfect world with him, she would have to be someone else too. He deserved more than she could ever give him like this. He always had.

So maybe she would change after death, maybe she would become that person he was meant to have. But part of her questioned the sanity of that thought. Life was where you lived, it's what mattered, and it was what she promised to do when she left him. Part of her never could make herself believe that eternity could be spent making up for what was lost or discarded in life. And she couldn't continue to live her life, hoping for something better on the other side.

It was killing her.

“One day, you'll have to let go of him, if you really want to move on with your life.”

She knew that. From the moment she told him she loved him. That was part of what telling him was about. In her life, 'I love you,' had always meant goodbye. It wasn't something she planned or even recognized until much later. But coming to terms with it, declaring it, always left her alone. So she had come to the same realization that Sawyer had that day on the dock long ago.

Some people are just meant to be alone. Intent can't change that. Love can't change that. But that didn't mean she couldn't find someone to share her life with.

It was a confusing concept. She was the first to admit that, but she truly believed that she could find someone to share her life with on one condition: she never loved him in that all consuming way. She never fully gave him her heart. She was not meant to share those quiet tender moments, but instead to burn out bright. Her noise always keeping the softness away. She could be reasonably happy that way. And she knew that she could make whoever the lucky guy ended up being, feel that way too. But it wasn't fair to pretend that she could ever be a whole person for them.

“One day I will.” And one day she really would let go of Jack enough to find something with someone else, but that day wasn't today. “Really, I think I could let go of him for anyone else.” She continued as her finger traced random patterns on the table top. “ But being with Sawyer, it reminds me of what was lost. What could have been.” She raised her head and met Claire's eyes, not willing to hide her darkness anymore. “Sometimes I feel like we are trying to relive those early days on the island, when everything was so uncomplicated. Then other times I think we are so far beyond those days. So much better off.”

“You both are different people.” Claire offered her a weak smile and Kate returned it.

“I noticed.”

“You're still attracted to him.” Claire pointed out, as if it was the only thing that mattered.

“I'm attracted to lots of men.” Kate chuckled then lapsed back into soberness. “But I will admit it makes things more difficult.”

Kate's eyes wandered over to Aaron and Claire watched her for a moment. Of all the things in Kate's screwed up life that Claire empathized with, Kate's love of her son was the hardest. She knew exactly how difficult it was to give up the role as his mother. And she knew how lonely the hours must be for her friend. She wanted nothing more than to try and ease that suffering and had hoped that now that Sawyer was back in Kate's life things would be easier.

“Too bad he didn't have some kind of horrible accident that left him disfigured.” She teased, hoping to draw a smile from her friend.

“It wouldn't have mattered.” Kate sighed and met Claire's eyes again with a twisted little smirk. “ All he'd have to do is open his mouth and call me Freckles.”

“Ah ha! I knew it.” Claire's voice drew attention to their table for a minute, and she blushed at her outburst. Kate giggled and waited for the unwanted eyes to turn away. Aaron giggled as well at his mother's excitement, even if he wasn't too sure what the adults were talking about.

“I didn't think it was a secret.” Kate admitted, smug smile in place.

“So you have a thing for pet names.” Claire teased, trying to get a rise out of her friend.

Aaron went back to coloring, he wasn't sure what naming a pet and his aunt had to do with anything and he wanted his picture to be perfect for his uncle. He was the coolest guy Aaron had ever met and he made Aunt Kate smile a lot. Aunt Kate didn't smile as much since his real mom came home and he wanted to thank Uncle Sawyer for making her happy.

“It's not a pet name. It's a nickname.” Kate objected, as Aaron reached for the yellow crayon just beyond his fingertips. Kate rolled it across the table and Aaron smiled at her. That perfect boyish grin that she swore all guys had only for the purpose of disarming the girls. Aaron was going to be a master at it someday.

“Oh Honey, it's a pet name. You're fooling yourself if you think otherwise.” Claire laughed, then took another sip of her water. Aaron colored a big yellow sun in the sky.

“And when he calls you Mamacita? Is that a pet name too?” Kate asked, knowing she had her friend in a trap she couldn't escape from, and would have to eat her words and admit that Freckles and Mamacita were nicknames and not pet names.

“To a certain degree, yes.” Claire's answer surprised and confused her, but she quickly changed her tactics to try and make Claire see just how ridiculous the thought was.

“He must love you too.” She pointed out. Claire seemed to ponder this for a moment before answering.

“Sawyer loves anyone who lets him.” She paused and Kate had to reluctantly agree. He had the biggest heart of any man she had ever known. He used to pretend differently, but it was one of the things that had first attracted her to him. His desire to be loved and love in return. Even with his prickly exterior you couldn't help but want to be in his good graces, you couldn't help but want to be at the other end of his embrace.

“But he doesn't love me the same way he loves you.” Claire continued. “Just like you don't love him the same way you loved Jack.”

Kate nodded and played with the straw in her water, lapsing into silence as she studied it. She was right of course, their friendship was different from any other friendship she had ever experienced, it was part of what made it mean so much to her. Sawyer didn't have the same thing with Claire, and never would.

It made her wonder what his relationship with Cassidy was like, and if they shared any traits. She had been tempted to call and ask, but felt like it was too late for mending those bridges. Any contact she made now would only look like she had other motives, which she supposed would be true. It wasn't her business what the Sawyer and Cassidy friendship looked like anyway. But she did regret not keeping in touch, and not only for her shared connection with Sawyer.

 

“Is it wrong?” Kate asked after a moment.

“What?”

She hesitated. Perhaps this wasn't something she should be asking, perhaps it was something she should keep to herself.

“To love someone after Jack?”

Kate's uncertainty killed a part of her, Claire couldn't help but feel for the woman. Hadn't she asked the same question of herself time after time? To see her friend suffer with that same burden was almost unbearable, especially when for so long Kate had been the strong and steady voice of reason in her life. She had literally pulled Claire out of her own darkness and restored her life to her, at the cost of Kate's own happiness. It was more than anyone should have to face, and Kate faced it so much of the time alone.

She didn't lean like Claire did. She had no shoulder to turn to when it was hard, no calm comforting voice telling her it was okay. Claire prayed that Sawyer could be that for her friend, but she worried that Kate wouldn't let him, and it broke her heart.

“I don't think it's ever wrong to love.” She admitted softly, it was a truth she had only recently discovered herself. “It just depends on what you do with that love.”

Kate seemed to consider it. Part of her felt that finding something new with someone else would taint the memory of what she felt for Jack. What if it was better than what they'd had? What if she learned to love him more than she loved Jack? Was that fair to Jack's memory?

“Would it be wrong for me to find someone to spend the rest of my life with?” She finally asked.

Claire didn't know. Her life might not be perfect, and she might be falling for her neighbor, but there was a part of her that would always belong to that sweet rock star who looked out for her on the island. Charlie was always going to be in the background, but she was finding that Ian understood that and had a ghost of his own. It didn't make what they had any less, though, and it didn't make her want to trade one day of what they had for something else. Maybe that was part of letting him go, knowing that even if he wasn't with her, he always would be. Accepting that just because she loved one man, didn't mean she couldn't love another as well.

“That is really up to you to decide. I don't think that there is only one person we can love, or are meant to be with. It's a nice notion sometimes, and one I might have believed before the island. But I can't put my life on hold for a dead man. And if he loved me half as much as I loved him, he wouldn't want me to. They will always be with us, though. The question is, can you let go of them enough to move on?”

It was nice in theory, but Kate would just have to wait and see how it worked in practice. She didn't think that what Charlie had with Claire could really compare with what she shared with Jack anyway. It always looked more like a schoolgirl crush than real love. But then who was she to say she knew what real loved looked like? Who was she to say she knew anything about real love?

“Sorry, I'm late.” Sawyer's voice surprised her a moment later. “I got caught in traffic.” He explained as he shoved Kate over and slid into the booth next to her.

“Uncle Sawyer!” He looked to Claire for an explanation, she just shrugged. Oh well, he kind of liked it anyway.

Kate smiled, it was a nice addition and she was glad Aaron felt comfortable inviting him into the inner circle so to speak. Claire wondered why they hadn't thought of the title themselves, because surely Sawyer was going to be just as important in their lives as Kate was, now that he was back anyway.

“Hey kiddo, whatcha coloring?” Sawyer asked as he pretended interest in Aaron's drawing. Really he was studying the woman next to him and sneaking glances at the one across the table, they had been talking about some pretty heavy stuff before he arrived. He could tell from the way Kate refused to meet his eyes and Claire seemed focused on her drink.

“It's a firetruck.” Aaron boasted proudly. It really looked more like a sideways house with wheels, but he could go with firetruck.

“You're a regular artist.” He smiled and Aaron beamed, he really was a cute kid.

“And it's fine, Kate just got here herself.” Claire broke in as she stirred her straw in her water glass. Sawyer stole a sip from Kate's before she swatted him away.

“Pulling extra weight?” He asked, meeting her eyes. She looked away, grabbed one of Aaron's crayons and studied it as she answered him.

“We're busy.”

He didn't know what they had been talking about, but it must have been ugly. He wondered how long it would take him to get her back. He hoped not long, when she got morose and distant it always made things impossible.

“Goodie, Goodie.” He teased her with a gentle nudge, then lowered his voice as if his next words were private and special. “What's the best thing here?”

Claire watched him try and draw her from her shell and couldn't help but feel grateful and relieved. If anyone could teach Kate how to love again, or let her see that it was okay to love again, it would be him. They had something all together amazing that not everyone got. For them both to get it twice in their lives with different people was something that didn't happen often. She hoped one day they could recognize that.

“Ask your waitress.” Kate smirked. She was glad he had come, relieved it was just bad traffic that had kept him. Maybe she hadn't screwed things up. They seemed normal enough now.

“Is this how you treat all your customers?” He bent over and tried to steal another sip of her water but she beat him to it, taking the straw out of the glass before he could reach it. She flicked him with the water on the end of the straw and he pulled a face as he pulled back.

“Nah, they usually pay me so I'm nice to them.” He tossed her straw wrapper at her. Aaron giggled and Sawyer winked back at his audience.

“So what you're telling me, is that if I bribe you, you'll be nice to me?” He questioned, eyebrow raised. Claire motioned to the waitress and she hurried over with another glass of water for Sawyer.

“Thanks.” Sawyer muttered and the waitress disappeared again at Kate's head nod.

“Of course.” She agreed readily, eager to find out just what he planned on bribing her with.

“I'll have to keep that in mind.” He wasn't buying in, instead he filed it away for future reference. Kate rolled her eyes.

“She likes cheap beer and stargazing.” Claire spoke up and Sawyer's head turned to face Claire, evil grin in place.

Kate blushed.

“I do not.” She objected, once more refusing to meet his eyes, embarrassed by the truth lurking in Claire's words. She was a simple girl after all.

Sawyer enjoyed Kate's torment. They would have to get together like this more often, he was sure he could get some pretty interesting stories out of Claire.

“Don't listen to her. So how have you been? Kate doesn't tell me anything.” Claire brushed off Kate's objection eager to move on with conversation. If Kate wanted to join them she wouldn't object, but she wasn't going to wait for Kate to start it. They would be sitting there all day if she did.

“I doubt that. I'm sure she was full of all kinds of stories the other night after the bar. Oh, before I forget, I wanted to thank you personally for fixing her up that night.” He knew it would get a rise out of the woman sitting next to him and pull her out of her funk.

“Hey!” Sure enough, Kate objected and slugged him. He turned to face her, to explain his slight.

“I'm sure you would have looked amazing anyway, Freckles. I just believe in giving credit where it's due. And our little Claire deserves some recognition for all the effort she put into getting you to leave the house like that.”

Kate looked at him, distrust in her eyes. He watched as she turned that same look back on Claire. Returned to him. Back to Claire.

“I don't forgive you...” She said slowly. “...either of you.”

Claire laughed and Aaron grew bored. Adult talk was never very much fun, and it didn't make any sense. He hoped he never grew up.

“She did look hot. I'm sure you had your hands full with all her admirers.” Claire commented and he nodded as he tipped his glass back.

“He chased them all away.” Kate interjected and he nearly spit his water out with his laughter.

“No, I didn't.” He objected as he set his glass down. “But after Kyle, I bet you wish I had.”

She had to agree he had a point. Reluctantly.

“What happened with him? You never told me.” Claire turned her focus back to Kate and Kate shrugged.

“It isn't like I had the time to.”

There was a time when she would have run straight to Claire to share it all. But now it was Sawyer who got that. Claire didn't mind, Kate wouldn't have found her available for a chat anyway. Ian had come over last night. They had enjoyed dinner with Aaron and Jane, something they would be doing more often if she had anything to say about it.

She was glad that Kate had run to Sawyer, especially after their talk.

“True. I forgive you, but only if you get Sawyer to tell me what happened with his date too.” Claire turned an innocent look on Sawyer and he laughed. Kate was right, their little Claire had turned into quite the little manipulator.

“Mommy, I'm hungry.” Aaron interrupted, reminding them all of why they had gathered in the first place.

“What do you guys want? I'll go tell the kitchen.” Kate volunteered then collected their orders and crawled over Sawyer, who refused to get up claiming that she could get out fine without him moving, and that she wasn't working so she shouldn't be getting up anyway. She figured he just enjoyed hassling her, and she would have been right.

An hour later they had all been fed and the stories of their disastrous dates told. Aaron was getting antsy to leave so it was decided that they would take off.

“Be good. I'll see you soon.” Kate bent over and kissed Aaron's forehead as they stood on the sidewalk in front of the diner. “Love you.”

“Love you, too.” He chirped, wrapping his arms around her neck for a second. That familiar emotion rising in her throat threatening to choke her like every other goodbye. It was silly, she knew she would see him again, but that never made letting him go easier.

She stepped back and found Sawyer's hand, comfortingly placed on the small of her back. She gave him a quick smile and he gave her a small nod before she stepped away from his touch and pulled Claire into a hug.

“Remember what we talked about, and give me a call later.” Claire whispered in her ear. Kate could tell there was something more Claire wanted to say but resisted the urge with Sawyer present, so she didn't push the issue. Somehow during their meal they hadn't discussed Claire's life at all, and Kate had a feeling there was something brewing there than Claire hadn't yet mentioned. She was sure she would get the whole story when she called later.

“Ok. Drive safe.” She murmured and stepped back.

“Uncle Sawyer?” Aaron tugged on Sawyer's shirt to get his attention and Sawyer squatted next to the boy.

“Yeah?” He asked.

“I made you this.” Aaron held out his firetruck picture and Sawyer smiled and took it.

“Thanks, this is perfect for my fridge. Hey, Kate did you see what Aaron made me?” He turned his attention to Kate as he stood, showing off the drawing that Aaron was so proud of.

“I'm jealous.” She played along. She wasn't, she was touched that Aaron was so accepting of him. But then Aaron was like his mom in that aspect, always had room in his heart for one more.

Aaron pondered the two of them. He didn't know if he could draw Aunt Kate another firetruck that was just as good, and he was concerned that his aunt wouldn't feel like he loved her as much if he didn't. There had to be some kind of answer to the problem. Then it hit him.

“Maybe you and Uncle Sawyer should live in the same house, like you and Mommy and me did, so that it can be on your fridge too.” He suggested seriously.

Kate bit her lower lip to keep back the smile. Claire turned her head to hide hers. She felt that Aaron was probably on to something, but that it was way too early to call for certain.

Things were always so simple with five year olds, Sawyer noted.

“What do you say, Freckles? Wanna be roommates?” The mirth danced in his eyes. Roommates with Freckles would definitely be an interesting scenario.

“Where would Clem stay if I took her room?” Kate joked back, thinking it would end the questioning in Aaron's mind. It obviously wasn't a viable solution to a 'fake' problem. But she couldn't explain that to a kid.

He seemed to think about this for a minute and then lit up, one hand coming up in the air, like he had been taught in pre-school.

“You and Uncle Sawyer could share beds like Mommy and Ian did!” He blurted out.

“Aaron!” Claire's voice was sharp and quick and Kate's jaw dropped.

“What?” She asked, eyes wide, unwilling to believe that Claire had been with Ian and hadn't said anything to her. Claire's face burned red in embarrassment and Aaron simply looked confused.

“You've been holding out on us.” Sawyer smirked.

“It's not like that. We were talking, and fell asleep.” Claire tried to defend herself, nothing had happened after all. They had simply gone into her room for some privacy while the kids played in Aaron's room. With her door open they could see the kids from the bed so it seemed like a logical choice at the time. Neither one of them had taken into account how late it was getting though, and when Jane came into the room and climbed in bed with them, Claire had thought it was sweet. Ian put her down in the guest room while Claire had settled Aaron for the night.

They had been in the middle of a conversation about something important, though she couldn't for the life of her remember it now, so they had both returned to the bed after the kids were put down to finish the conversation. Instead they had fallen asleep.

“In your bed?” Kate questioned. Normal conversations didn't take place in the bedroom, not typically anyway. She wanted to know what exactly had led up to this, 'accidentally' sleeping together. She believed that nothing had happened between the two of them, Claire would have said something earlier, but part of her felt like she had missed out on something. She wondered if that was what Claire's early morning phone call had really been for.

Maybe she would ask later when Sawyer wasn't around.

“I admit it looks bad...” Claire hesitated, unsure if they believed her innocence.

“It doesn't look bad. I was gonna say good for you, Mamacita. It's not a crime.” Sawyer teased.

“...regardless, nothing happened.” Claire finished.

“I talk in my bed? Is it bad to talk in bed?” Aaron asked. He didn't understand why his mother had scolded him for telling the truth, or why her face was red and everyone cared that she talked in bed. Grownups were silly sometimes.

“No, Honey. It's not bad to talk in bed. But Ian has his own bed to talk in, and sometimes grownups need to talk in their own beds.” Kate tried to explain without explaining. Claire was too mortified, she thought that they hadn't been caught. Aaron must have gotten up in the night, because he had been asleep when they had woken up just before dawn and realized what had happened.

“That's a weird rule.” He put his hands on his hips and gave them all a confused look. If the whole thing wasn't so laughable she was sure she would be just as mortified as Claire seemed to be. Kate remembered the first time Jack had spent the night, and the discussion that had followed in the morning, how awkward it had been trying to explain an adult situation to a three year old and how that hadn't been any easier. She felt for Claire.

“Aaron, you're gonna find out that grownups have a lot of weird rules. Especially girl grownups. And most of them don't make any sense.” Sawyer teased, then ruffled his hair and punched him lightly in the arm. Aaron beamed, okay with things as Sawyer explained them. His explanation made the most sense.

He wondered how grownups learned all the rules and he hoped it wasn't too terribly hard to do. But it seemed like they had an awful lot to keep track of.

“We should get out of here before he says anything else.” Claire grabbed Aaron's hand eager to take off and try and forget the whole embarrassing scene.

“I think we might need to keep him around a bit longer and see if we can get any really good stuff from him.” Sawyer joked.

“I agree. I think she owes me for the shirt.” Kate nodded.

“Come on, Aaron. It's time to go.” Claire hugged Kate again, then started to usher Aaron down the sidewalk, away from any further embarrassment.

“Are they gonna kiss goodbye like you and Ian do?” Aaron asked in the distance and Kate burst out in giggles. Oh Claire was so not going to ever live this down.

“How does your Mom kiss Ian goodbye?” Sawyer called down the street.

“Sawyer!” Claire objected. God, couldn't she just die now. Couldn't the street just swallow her whole and end the whole thing. What had she done to deserve this?

Okay, so maybe hiding all of Kate's clothes and making her dress in a manner intended to incite desire in her companion hadn't been the most noble of actions... but really!

Aaron broke away from his mother and came back to where Sawyer and Kate still stood. Kate had her arms wrapped around her waist as she tried to bite back the laughter. Sawyer's grin stretched from ear to ear. Claire kept her back to the group.

“I don't want to show you. It's gross.” Aaron said seriously.

“Maybe Kate can show you.” Claire suggested and sensing her opportunity for payback, turned around and returned to the group, determined not to be embarrassed. There was absolutely nothing wrong with her actions. If they thought it was amusing then they could think that. But she wasn't going to let it get to her. She knew where she stood with Ian, something that either one of them had no clue about.

“Yeah, Aunt Kate used to kiss Uncle Jack like that. She knows how to!” Claire grinned. Aaron was really enthused about the idea now.

Kate wasn't.

It was his worst nightmare come to life, how had things backfired so much? He had no idea how to dig them out of it. Aaron stood waiting for some kind of answer and all he could think about was how Kate kissed.

He knew exactly what kind of kissing Kate did, he didn't need a demonstration to further confuse things.

Sorry, Sawyer mouthed. Kate shrugged it off.

“It's ok. I think I know how.” Sawyer explained.

It wasn't a big deal. Claire wasn't going to make it one either.

“Did Aunt Kate show you too?” Aaron asked. It was Kate's turn to blush. Oh she had more than showed him, numerous times.

“Once or twice.” He said softly as he knelt by the boy, his mind flooding with the memories. It didn't hurt this time, didn't feel like he was betraying Juliet by remembering them.

“It's not like she kisses me goodbye?” Aaron still seemed concerned that there was still confusion about what kind of kissing his mother was doing with the neighbor. Though why that was so important to him Kate didn't know.

“No.” Sawyer shook his head.

“Ok.” Aaron nodded then waited before continuing. “So are you going to kiss her goodbye like that?”

That inner part of her that still remembered those kisses wished for an answer she knew he wouldn't give. She swallowed back emotion, suddenly torn. A sharp pain deep inside, unexplainable.

“No.” He seemed sad, Claire noted.

“Why?” Aaron asked again.

He was probably remembering the way Juliet kissed. Kate looked away, her eyes disturbingly teary.

“Because that is a special kind of kissing for grownups.”

“But you are grownups.”

“It's not for all grownups.”

“But you said that she had kissed you like that before.” Aaron seemed insistent and as he tried to explained only grew more persistent and slightly upset at each further explanation.

“It was a long time ago, and we don't like each other like that anymore.”

The scene should have been touching, but Claire felt as miserable as they both looked. Kate had turned her back on the two of them, and Claire could see her wipe suspiciously at her eyes. Sawyer didn't look any better. She could hear the edge of frustration in his voice.

“How do you like each other then?” His little hands were on his waist, and Sawyer could tell he wasn't buying any of the answers. Maybe he sensed that there was a larger issue at play. Kids were smart like that, but how could he explain something he wasn't even sure of himself.

“Like you like Jane. Remember?” Claire broke in and placed a hand on Aaron's shoulder, the other on Sawyer's. Sawyer stood up and stepped back, as if distance would make the conversation easier.

“Oh.” Aaron pondered it for a moment. “I kiss Jane goodbye though.”

He did, and it was rather cute. A little peck on her cheek, he made a good big brother to her. What a mess she had gotten them all into. Claire hoped this didn't ruin things for good between her two friends.

Kate had turned her back on them, Sawyer noticed for the first time, and grew concerned about her distance. She was probably remembering Jack. He hoped they were good memories at least. He wondered if she lived with the same guilty feeling he did. Like it was his fault, he had looked away and it resulted in them all dying.

Oh screw it. It was just a damn kiss. Not like the world was going to end and Aaron was confused enough about the whole thing. He could hate her later for it. Kate wiped at her eyes one final time, collecting herself. It meant nothing, it was just a stupid feeling left over from a failed attempt at even more nothing. What better way to prove it?

She turned around quickly and leaned in to peck his cheek but he had the same idea. His hand came down on her shoulder, intending to turn her around, as her lips brushed across his and she jumped back on contact.

“Sorry--” She muttered, her fingers pressed against her tingling lips.

“I just thought--” His throat dry and scratchy.

“It's ok--I didn't mean to--” Her heart fluttering in her throat.

“It's fine.” He stepped back.

“Ok?” She questioned.

“Ok.” Why did her sad eyes always want to draw him in further?

“You guys are weird.” Aaron rolled his eyes.

“So are you.” Sawyer scooped him up for a moment and swung him over to Kate, trying to break the awkward pause. “Say goodbye again.”

Aaron pecked her cheek.

“That's how it goes.” Aaron clarified as Sawyer set him down. He tugged on Sawyer's arm and he leaned down only to receive a slobbery kiss on his cheek as well.

“It's ok that you don't kiss Aunt Kate like Uncle Jack did, or like Mommy kisses Ian. I still like you.” He smiled, there was something so tender in the moment. Aaron's honest, heartfelt words seemed to make all the confusion okay again. He could see why Kate loved the kid so much.

“I like you too, Kid. Besides, Aunt Kate and I aren't saying goodbye yet anyway. She's going to come with me to pick out a surprise for Clementine, and next time I come visit, I'll bring it and show you.”

One day, after she had finally let go of Jack, she hoped to find someone half as good with kids as Sawyer was with Aaron and Clem. She smiled to herself at the scene in front of her as Claire moved to stand next to her, placing a hand on her shoulder.

“He's getting her a d-o-g.” Kate whispered softly, as Claire questioned her emotional state with a slight eyebrow raise. Kate nodded that she was fine.

“And you're helping him pick it out?” Claire asked as she watched Sawyer and Aaron.

Kate shrugged.

“Why not?”

Aaron was trying to figure out the surprise and Sawyer kept shooting down his guesses.

“You know, I think you already know the answer to that question you asked earlier.”

Kate turned to her in confusion.

“What question?”

She honestly had no idea what Claire could have been referring to.

“You'll figure it out. It won't mean anything until you do anyway.”

Claire gave her a knowing look and Kate stared for a moment, trying to come up with the answer to a question she knew nothing about.

“You're weird.” Kate mimicked Aaron a moment later after coming to the conclusion that Claire was just messing with her.

“Oh, get out of here and go get your d-o-g.”

“Clem's.”

“Whatever.”


	10. A New Companion

 

_***_  
_What do you do when love comes along, and offers your heart a chance to move on?_  
 _With no guarantees, no safety net, you trust what you feel. You take that first step._

_Just close your eyes. Reach for the moment before it slips by.  
Here is your second chance. Take it and fly. _

_The weight of the world, the need to survive, has made you believe that you've got no right.  
Then out of the blue, you meet someone, who offers a place warm as the sun. _

_Just close your eyes. Reach for the moment before it slips by.  
Here is your second chance. Take it and fly. _

_Just when you think love is a distant dream. Oh, fate gives you wings._

_Just close your eyes. Reach for the moment before it slips by.  
Here is your second chance. Take it and fly. _

Second Chance _  
-Trisha Yearwood  
***_

“I can't believe that I agreed to this.” Kate smiled as she watched Sawyer fiddle with the radio, frustration evident in his voice. She couldn't believe it either, the dog they had left the shelter with was more than she had expected him to agree to. But when she pointed, he simply rolled his eyes and nodded. Maybe he had known as she did, sometimes things deserved a second chance.

“What do you mean agreed? It was your idea in the first place.” She teased him as she scratched behind the dog's ear and it nuzzled her arm seeking for more attention as it sat next to her on the front seat of Sawyer's beat up old truck. It amused Kate, that with all his money, he had settled on an old junker of a vehicle. He claimed it was a classic and that he was in the process of restoring it to its former glory. She figured he was just being cheap. Either way there was something sweet in it. In that ever hopeful aspect of him. The part that refused to be beaten down, despite everything. The part of him that always wanted to believe in more. It shined through in the strangest of ways sometimes.

“That was before I knew you were going to pick that dog.”

That particular dog, chose that particular moment to lick Kate's cheek affectionately and she laughed. Sawyer hid a smile. The two of them were beyond adorable. He felt kind of like he was in the middle of some country song about the girl next door and his dog. Felt like rolling all the windows down and blasting the speakers, singing about whiskey and women. Carefree and easy, it was new for them. He couldn't deny that he liked it.

“Oh, but look at how sweet she is. Clem is going to love her.” Kate objected as she threw an arm around the back of the beast and buried her nose in its neck. The dog barked politely in acceptance of the affection. Clem was going to love her, and he hadn't had any complaints on how well behaved his new roommate seemed to be. But arguing with Kate was second nature, and fun as hell. He loved trying to get a rise from her, just as much as she loved trying to get one from him. It was what they did, what they were good at. It reminded him of all the good times, all those special sweet moments that no one could taint or take from them.

But as much as he loved the idea of having a dog, and as eager as he was for Clem to discover their new friend, he was still a little leery of what he had just gotten himself into. A dog was a big responsibility, and not the kind he could send back after a weekend. It was going to take a lot more commitment than maybe he was ready for.

Which was stupid, it wasn't like he had adopted a child. Even if Kate insisted on treating it like one. But he couldn't overlook her size; that alone was going to cause problems, especially in his current living situation.

“She's a horse!” It was the best way he could accurately describe her size, as far as dogs went this had to be the Godzilla of the bunch.

“She is not.” Kate denied, frown on her face as she hugged the dog again. “Are you Ophelia?” She asked in a slightly softer tone as she met the dog's eyes.

“Where am I going to keep her?” He asked. Realistically a dog of that size probably shouldn't be kept in his small apartment and he was sure it violated some apartment code or something.

“In your apartment. I thought you'd thought this out? Besides Great Danes do surprisingly well in apartments.” He had thought it out, but perhaps not long enough. Not only was the dog huge, but it was going to cost a lot to maintain. It was going to need to be taken care of all the time. Dogs were far more dependent than cats. Maybe he should have just gotten the dumb kitten and called it good, he noted as Kate's fingers traveled the fur of the dog's chest and something in his chest tightened in response.

“That was before I knew you were going to pick the largest dog there.” He was objecting too much, and Kate didn't really think it was about the size of the animal or how much she would eat, he had plenty of cash and enough space as well, but she still felt the need to justify her choice.

“She was the best dog there, and you heard the lady who helped us, she is very well behaved and the best around children. You didn't want to get a dog that wasn't good with kids.” No, he hadn't, but that wasn't why she had picked Ophelia.

It turned out, Kate was a closet animal lover. He should have guessed it, what with the vegetarian thing, and the way she had interacted with that damn horse in the middle of the jungle. And perhaps he had already known it, maybe that's was why he had wanted her to come along in the first place. Regardless, there were times he thought he was going to have to, 'rescue'-her term, not his- every goddamn dog in the place. Still, he wouldn't have missed the trip for anything. He had never seen her so happy and carefree. Kate was one of those people who needed something, or someone, to take care of. It was part of what made her such a good mother for Aaron, and being surrounded by a pack of animals who needed homes... she was in her element.

Maybe he would get her a dog for Christmas. He could just picture her finding it under the tree on Christmas morning, red bow around its neck. She would turn to him and wrap her arms around his neck, he would pull her into his lap and they would...

He swerved as he caught where his mind was beginning to wander to. Kate shot him a questioning look and he shrugged it off.

“You walked in there and fell in love.” He tried to direct her thoughts back to the conversation. Embarrassed to have been caught mid daydream, especially during that particular fantasy. But ever since her lips touched his earlier, things had been a little... well unclear. His mind had been wandering a lot more than it should be.

His fingers tapped on the steering wheel as he remembered all the times his mind had wandered into that territory in the last few hours. He even caught himself trying to hold her hand like some schoolboy. Thankfully, he caught himself before his hand had made it all the way to hers. He didn't relish trying to explain that. And one of his major concerns about getting a dog for Clem hadn't been if she would like it as much as if Kate would. But then, Kate had become a major fixture in his life, it was important that his dog got on with her just as well as she got on with Clem. That didn't explain why it felt more like he was going to pick out 'their' dog than Clem's though.

“You can make any excuse you want, but that dog stole your heart the minute you saw her.” He continued after a moment, trying to ignore the sly smile she tried to hide by biting that full bottom lip of hers. That deliciously, plump... He groaned internally as he realized his thoughts were starting to wander again.

Just friends. They were just friends. Christmas was a few months off anyway, and at the rate he was going, he was going to blow their friendship well in advance of that. He could forget any daydreams about getting her a dog of her own then. He had to get control of his wandering thoughts. They kissed, so what? He wasn't in grade school anymore. It was a kiss between friends, nothing more. It wasn't even really a kiss, more like bumping into her with his lips. It was an accident.

“Now you're just being silly. I was highly objective. In fact that Jack Russell, Captain, was a close contender.” She blurted out. He was doing that quiet reflective thing again. The one where he looked at her when he thought she wasn't looking. The one that drove her to distraction. Made her want to slide her hand over, rest it on his thigh as she slid across the seat and questioned his silence with whispered words in his ear. The one that tempted her lips to soothe the wrinkle from his forehead.

Ophelia whined, reminding her just where she was and why going off into a fantasy that ended with him pulling over and her sticking her tongue down his throat was not a good idea at all. He didn't have to be so sweet and accommodating though, with those eyes that burned right through her and lit a fire in her soul. Or the gentle, all giving act he had been pulling since their awkward kiss earlier.

In fact, he could have fought her suggestion at the shelter instead of nodding with that dumb smile on his face then wandering off to get the paperwork taken care of. If he was so concerned about the dog, why didn't he voice his concerns before they were on the road?

Why had he encouraged her to meet all the dogs, enjoy their company while he watched silently, that distant reflective look on his face? She wondered if he was thinking about Juliet, about his life with her, if they had ever had a dog? If she had wanted a dog?

The trip had been harder than she had thought it would be. She blamed Aaron's innocent questioning. Instead of just being his friend going to help him get a dog for his daughter, she had turned into the ex-girlfriend who had watched him jump from a helicopter, her heart in her throat. Then returned to find him with another woman. She had become the girl he had made love to in a cage with the threat of death hanging heavy above. The girl he had to con a kiss from.

She was, essentially, the girl who was never going to be enough for him. And maybe his eyes would stray to her hips every now and then, and maybe hers would wander his arms and remember how nice it felt to be held by them... But that is all they would ever have.

“Oh, it's ok, Ophelia, I like you more than I could ever like Captain.” She wrapped her arms around the dog's massive neck and turned her face away from Sawyer, not wanting to give in to the temptation. Afraid he would accidentally see the unwelcome lust that had caught her by surprise, or the sadness that, even now, replaced it.

“You do know she doesn't understand you, right?” Sawyer teased. He watched the back of Kate's head, wondering where she had gone. Wondering if picking a dog for Clem was too much like what she had with Jack. Too hard to remember what had been lost.

Perhaps that was what his hesitancy to get to know Ophelia was really about. About losing Juliet. Though he didn't think Juliet had crossed his mind all day. Which wasn't odd, sometimes he went whole weeks without her wandering through his thoughts. It was just that tender moments with Kate usually brought her back.

Ophelia and Kate both turned to glare at him in response to his question, almost as if the dog actually did understand his Freckles. Which would be a feat in and of itself, since he was pretty sure that not even Kate understood herself all the time.

“Alright, ok. Sheesh.” He conceded.

“That's better.” She smiled.

He smiled back, then quickly turned his eyes back to the road. They had been playing that game all afternoon. The ride to the animal shelter alone had been filled with enough awkward moments to last a lifetime, and full of unresolved tension. Things had gotten better once they got in and started looking at animals. She had let go of whatever it was she was carrying, and he had enjoyed watching as she went from pen to pen looking for that perfect dog.

“She is bigger than Clem.” He noted, for lack of anything better to bring to the table. His thoughts too jumbled and confused.

“She's a Great Dane, what did you expect?”

When she had stopped at Ophelia's pen, Kate had turned and had given him the sweetest smile. He had known then that this was the dog he would be taking with him at the end of the day. Every dog after had something wrong with it, even if it was just that Kate thought it looked, as she put it, shifty. He remembered they had stopped at one pen and Kate told him that dog would eat him in his sleep. He laughed, and said he was sure that there was nothing wrong with Killer, but Kate simply shook her head and moved on, despite any words to the contrary from one of the shelter volunteers about how gentle Killer actually was.

When it was all said and done, many of the dogs had all of the attributes that Kate claimed to love about Ophelia. Some had even more good qualities as well. He thought more than anything that it was probably Ophelia's story that won Kate over. She was always a sucker for second chances.

Ophelia's former owner was a ten year old girl, who died when a drunk driver hit the car she had been riding in. She ended up at the shelter because the girl's parents couldn't bear to keep the reminder around. The dog seemed to carry a haunted look that mirrored Kate's own distant gaze at times, and Sawyer couldn't help but notice the way both of their eyes lit up just a little when Kate first approached.

He had felt like he was eavesdropping on a private conversation. Which was beyond ridiculous as Ophelia was a dog and was probably just glad to have some company. But still, he couldn't help but turn away and leave them alone together to fill out the necessary paperwork.

The volunteer helping them told him later that she had never seen Ophelia take to anyone like she had taken to his 'wife' and she was sure 'their daughter' would love the surprise.

He had given up correcting those kinds of misinterpretations. Especially when they didn't matter.

But her words had stuck with him. Perhaps that was what had him so worked up about the responsibility that he was undertaking... it was relatively mild in comparison to some of the things he had taken on in the past. Hell, the con they had pulled in Dharmaville was ten times the undertaking. Maybe it was just the thought of Kate picking out a dog for 'their daughter.' Or her being his 'wife.' Both things he had no intention of ever happening, that had him wanting to turn around and give the dog back.

“She's going to eat me out of house and home.” Kate's head rested on the back of Ophelia's neck and when he spoke she turned to face him. The dog's soft fawn colored fur resting against a freckled cheek.

There was no way he was ever taking that dog back now, though. Not after that picture, her sweet face so small against the massive beast. It would haunt him for years if he actually chickened out. Besides, he wasn't one to go back on his promises.

“She is not.” She stuck her tongue out and pulled back, studying him as the corner of his mouth twitched slightly, as if he was working something out in his head. She wondered if he was still thinking about the kiss. Maybe she should say something and clear the air. Taking it out on her in awkward tense moments of silence was one thing, but Ophelia deserved better.

“What if Clem is terrified of a dog twice her size?” He questioned, his eyes back on the road. The wind from Kate's open window played with a strand of hair that had been tugged loose from her ponytail. He swallowed another wave of emotion. Like it or not, he wasn't ready for this.

Not able to watch Kate dote on his dog like it was her...their... child, love and comfort the large beast unconditionally. He wasn't ready to take the thing home and open his heart to it. He couldn't sit next to her and pretend it all meant nothing, but he wasn't ready to believe it meant more.

“Clem isn't terrified of anything, you know that. What is the real problem here?” Kate prodded.

Hell, if he knew...

Too much. Too raw. Too close to home.

“Kate, she can put her paws on your shoulders. Her head is almost bigger than yours.” It came out exasperated. Sounding like he couldn't believe her, masking his frustration.

“She's a big teddy bear. You heard what they told us at the shelter. She was the most gentle dog to walk through those doors, despite her size. And look at those eyes? How can you not just fall in love with them?” God, he wondered the same thing every time he met eyes with her. Maybe he should just admit it.

Admit that he was always going to love her and stop pretending that every bone in his body didn't want to protect and defend her from all the ugly things in life.

That didn't mean he was _in_ love with her though. She just had that innocent, in need of protection thing going on so well that sometimes it played with his emotions. Something he never had to worry about with Juliet. Juliet could take care of herself.

Wanting to protect and defend someone didn't really even mean you loved them. You protected small animals and children. It was just the heightened emotion that was running through the day that made him question himself. Just the out of the ordinary, the sad stories they had heard at the shelter, the memories-some good, and some bad- their kiss had drug up. Just a consequence of the conditions. Nothing more.

“You have a fenced back yard, why don't you keep her if you love her so much?” He was still in a defensive mood however, and his tone was perhaps a bit too sharp, giving him away.

She really didn't know what was going on with him. One minute he was fine and joking with her, and the next it seemed like he was trying to hold back the ocean. Things were so off with them, it scared her. She worried that as soon as she stepped out of his truck that would be the end of them. Worried that their near kiss was too much. That picking out his dog had somehow bound her to him, in his mind at least, in a way that he couldn't accept.

“Sawyer, I am not taking care of your dog. I really don't see what you are so afraid of?” She wished he would just tell her what was going on. She would back off if that was what he needed. There was no telling when she would need him to back off in the future, but she wasn't silly enough to think that there wouldn't be a time when his presence was simply too much to handle. He would respect her wishes on the matter too, she knew that. So why couldn't he just tell her to get lost?

“I'm not afraid. She's just so much more dog than I imagined.” And so is this. He wanted to scream it from the rooftops, wanted to run away and hide from her.

But he wasn't a coward. He wasn't a man who ran away from his problems. He faced them head on. And really this wasn't a problem at all. Just emotion blown way out of proportion. He would be fine tomorrow and they would be back where they belonged.

“Well, you could have gone with a cat. Clem would have loved a kitten, and it would have been smaller.” She offered, at a loss. She could not give him what he needed without knowing first what that was, so instead, she tried for humor. “ You know since size is obviously an issue here. Though I'm not sure why, Ophelia has nothing on you.”

He caught her eye for a brief moment before turning away. She almost saw a smile.

“That's sweet, Petunia. Your concern is heartbreaking. But I'm not worried about competing with a dog.” He wasn't, was he? He wasn't afraid that the dog would love her more... or... he swallowed... that she would love the dog more.

“Yes, you are. You're jealous.” She gloated and rubbed one hand over Ophelia's head.

“That you are the one getting slobbered on? I don't think so. If I'm going to be stepping in puddles of her drool for years to come, I think you deserve a little dog slobber of your own.” He really didn't care if Ophelia loved her more right now. He was the one who would be supplying the food. He would have his own share of slobbery kisses and affectionate nudging.

“So over dramatic. I'm not talking about that. Though I still think you are just a little bit envious that she seems to like me more.” Maybe he was, just a little bit though. The two of them were really too sweet together to be jealous of that.

“Hey, I wanted to put her in the back, where a dog of her size belongs. I really don't think that means I care too much that you are the one she's basically sitting on.”

He was right, that wasn't the problem.

“You can't put her back there until you've got a way to secure her in. Dogs get killed all the time by being thrown out of the back of pickup trucks. I can't believe you even suggested it.” She rubbed her cheek against Ophelia's neck. “Poor girl.” How he could suggest he put their dog in the back then drive down the freeway. It was a good thing Clem was old enough to know to wear a seat belt.

“She would have loved the ride from back there.” He teased. He never would have put the dog back there, if only because it obviously meant so much to Kate. He never would have been able to come between them two of them and their love fest anyway. But it was fun to see her get all riled up about it.

“I have no doubt of that, but you two need bonding time too. You've all but ignored her from the moment those papers were signed. She's gonna think you don't want her.”

Maybe she was projecting his slightly cold shoulder onto the dog, but she didn't think so. He was hesitant to even touch her. He let her lead Ophelia out to the truck. Had her carry the leash through giant chain pet store they had stopped at while he picked up some supplies. In fact, she didn't remember him even acknowledging her. Just teasing about throwing it in the back where it belonged.

“She's a dog. As soon as I put out her bowl of food she's going to love me.” Unlike Kate, he wasn't about to start talking to it in sweet little tones that would light any man's heart on fire. He wasn't going to lather affection on it like it was a woman in heat. He wasn't going to stroke its every itch, or rub his cheek against its soft fur. Nuzzle his damn nose into its dirty neck and pretend like it smelt like the best thing he had the goddamn privilege of sticking his nose in.

“She still needs a little affection every now and then.”

And she was telling him? He was the one trying to ignore her almost pornographic love fest. He was the one suffering from her cute little giggles and soft tender voice. The one who couldn't even look her way without wanting to pull over and show her what other uses the truck bed provided.

“Which she's getting plenty of from you!”

Maybe he shouldn't have shouted that?

“Aha!” Kate smirked and played with Ophelia's floppy ear.

“What now?” The image of her fingers playing with his ear in a similar manner flooded through his brain and he swatted it away, replacing the frustration with his angry words.

“That's your problem.” She smiled. It was cute. He was jealous, just not of the dog and her. But of her and the dog. If it made any sense whatsoever. She supposed he _would_ think that she could replace him so easily. It was just like him, all insecure when it came to how she felt.

“I'm not following.” His brow furrowed as he stopped for a stoplight. He honestly didn't know what she was talking about. And how she could possibly figured out the numerous things that were plaguing him. He wondered if he should be worried. Some of his thoughts had definitely left the friend zone.

The light turned green and he turned his eyes back to the road as he accelerated again.

“You're jealous that she's the one with her head in my lap. Do you want me to scratch behind your ears?”

Ah ha. Yeah, so maybe she had picked up on that vibe. It wasn't like the whole afternoon hadn't been saturated with sexual tension though. Honestly, if she hadn't picked up on it he would have been concerned. And of all his thoughts, that was probably the easiest to explain away.

“I've got plenty of places that are itching to be scratched, Princess. Can't say that behind my ears is one of them though. Maybe if you...” He smiled suggestively and glanced down at his lap, bringing crass to the table. It had always worked in the past to get her to drop the subject.

“James! Not in front of the dog!” She pretended to cover the dog's ears and he laughed. She smiled and watched as the ice melted away.

“You know, sometimes I can not figure you out.” He admitted softly.

They were okay. Maybe that's all this had ever been about. Figuring out if they would be okay after the day they had shared. It was just all a little more than either one of them was ready to handle, emotionally and otherwise. It was an aberration.

“Good.” She answered then looked out the window.

They drove in silence for awhile. He turned up the radio as they bounced over potholes. She hummed along to Patsy Cline and George Strait. He pretended not to notice how off key she was. Ophelia stared him down till he took one hand off the wheel to rub behind her ears. She barked happily then laid her head in his lap, curling up in an impossibly compact position and fell asleep.

“So... about earlier...with Aaron. I know you don't want to talk about it, but I just wanted to say that I was sorry. I didn't mean to... Well you know.” Kate eventually broke the silence. She knew they were okay, but she still needed him to hear it. They had an unspoken agreement and she didn't want him questioning her motives later on. She needed him to know that they were off limits. And maybe she needed him to say so.

“Neither did I. I just thought if I gave you a quick peck on the cheek it would get the little guy to back off.” He admitted, his voice low and tender. Like maybe he was lost in a moment she couldn't share.

“Oh, me too!” She was relieved to know they had been trying for the same thing. “Good.”

“Yeah. Good.” He agreed, then a bit later added: “It was nice though.”

“All two seconds of it? Yeah, I don't really know... I mean it's not like I was paying attention or anything.”

She would deny it until the day she died. Deny how her lips tingled for twenty minutes after. How her heart beat so loudly in her ears, that had he wanted to have a conversation on the way to the shelter, she would have failed miserably because all she would have been able to hear was the pounding in her chest.

“Right, of course not. I just meant it was a nice thought, you wanting to make Aaron happy or whatever.”

He lied. Sure it was nice she wanted to make Aaron happy, but not as nice as feeling those full lips against his for softest of seconds. Not as nice as the memories they invoked. Of feeling loved and wanted. Of finally belonging.

Not as nice as the nostalgia, of a time long passed.

“Right, like you and Clem and Ophelia?”

She was eager to play along. Eager to pretend it all away as easily as he did. There was no second chance for them and she didn't want one, but it was nice to look back and remember how sweet and innocent it had been back then. How utterly uncomplicated in comparison.

“Exactly. I'm glad we're on the same page.” He smiled at her once more and she felt all the unwanted tension leave. Blown out the window with any lingering doubts or fears that they couldn't make this work.

“Me too.” She chirped.

“I didn't want it to make things awkward.” It came out rushed, like he was still trying to convince her even after he knew she was already convinced.

“Me either. I like what we have now. It's so uncomplicated. It's nice.” It was. It was horribly, wonderfully, fantastically... nice. She tried not to think about the other words she used to associate with them.

Passionately. Sinfully. Delightfully. Dangerously. Intoxicatingly.

“Right. Nice.”

He loved what they had. Didn't he? This was about as near perfection as he could think of.

“It's like I'm one of the guys.” She teased with a slug to his shoulder.

She was... well except that he never thought of 'one of the guys' naked before. Never shared memories of dark desire and stolen kisses with 'one of the guys' before.

“Of course. Does that make me one of the girls?” He teased back.

She didn't know if she would ever be able to go that far with him. He would probably always be better than one of the girls. Still she felt she should return the favor.

“I don't know, can I give you a makeover?” She taunted instead. In the end, she couldn't do that to him. Lump him into a meaningless category. She had never been 'one of the girls' before, so there was no way in hell he would fit in that category. The closest thing she had was Claire, and that was more like sisters.

“Hell, no!” He objected loudly, his face showing his disgust at the idea. What was with her and makeovers anyway? He never pictured her as the type.

“I thought it was worth a shot anyway.” She laughed at the face he pulled as he objected, stopping the truck in front of the diner where they had left her car earlier that afternoon.

“Get out of my truck.” He barked, pretending offense. She continued to laugh as she popped the handle on the door and it swung open a little bit. She turned to go, but turned back a moment later.

“Call me, later?” She asked.

“Course.” He smiled. It was his favorite time of the day, talking about nothing with her until she was too tired to stay awake. He couldn't count the number of times she had fallen asleep on him and he had stayed on the line, perhaps just a little longer than he should, just to hear her soft steady breathing.

Ophelia raised her head and whined and Kate scratched behind her ears once more.

“I may need you to come rescue me from Goliath here.” He teased as the dog lowered her head again and tried to go back to sleep. He scratched the back of her head, letting his fingers graze Kate's once or twice, accidentally.

“You love her already, I can tell.” Her voice low and tender as she met his eyes.

“How's that?” His dry and scratchy.

“You've already given her a pet name.” She smiled and he smirked.

“Is that right... Freckles?” The dog wasn't the only one with a pet name, the thought warmed his heart.

“Sure is... James.” His name had never tasted so sweet on her tongue before.

He leaned ever so slightly. Closing the distance between them by only a fraction of a heartbeat.

“Think you've got me all figured out then?” Barely a whisper.

“I wouldn't presume to.” She answered with an arched eyebrow.

For a minute he thought...

And then the spell was broken with her bright and cheery voice at full volume.

“Have a good night.”

She turned to go, him leaning halfway over the dog, waiting for something.

Ah, screw it.

She turned back around one final time, leaned over the dog the rest of the way and pecked him politely on the cheek. Just as Aaron had taught them.

“Night.” He pushed out passed the laughter as she exited the truck and gave him a comic wink.

She never failed to surprise him.


	11. An Old Issue

_ _

_She prays one day she'll find someone to need her._   
_She swears that there's no difference,_   
_Between the lies and complements._   
_It's all the same if everybody leaves her..._

_...And she would change everything, everything just ask her._   
_Caught in the in between of beautiful disaster,_   
_And she needs someone to take her home...._

_...She's giving boys what they want, tries to act so nonchalant_   
_Afraid they'll see that she's lost her direction._   
_She never stays the same for long,_   
_Assuming that she'll get it wrong._   
_Perfect only in her imperfection...._

_...She would change everything for happy ever after._   
_Caught in the in between of beautiful disaster,_   
_But she just needs someone to take her home..._

Beautiful Disaster  
 _-Jon McLaughlin_

 

“You're falling asleep on me again.” She smiled and flopped over onto her stomach, her phone pressed against one ear as his voice, deep and low, whispered seductively in her ear. Chills ran down her spine and parts of her long forgotten instantly woke.

“Am not.” She murmured back as her fingers plucked at her pillowcase, legs swinging in the air behind her.

Across town, he closed his eyes and smiled. It was two in the morning and they had been talking for almost five hours. It was no wonder she was starting to drift on him. He was on his back, one hand absent-mindedly petting Ophelia, who reclined quite comfortably next to him. Apparently, he wouldn't be sleeping alone ever again as she had decided to claim the spot next to him as her own.

“You are. You're doing that thing where you agree with everything I say.”

“Mmmmhmmm...” She pulled one knee up and cuddled into a pillow, then realized what she had just done. “Wait! No, I'm not!”

He laughed and she considered just closing her eyes again and pretending he was right next to her. Their phone conversations always made those evening hours, when her house seemed the emptiest, just a little more bearable, but they were also creating a desire where none had been before.

Yes, she was a woman, and the back of her mind might always house some fairytale about having someone to hold her into the long night. But reality was also a very real player in her world. Very few men had enjoyed the privilege of holding her into the morning hours, because honestly, it got old fast. So while a secret part of her might long for that kind of connection, when the truth was placed before her, that was something she could never really have.

But his midnight conversation always made her wish for his arms around her as he spoke those comforting words and filled the awful emptiness that her life had become.

“You should hang up and go to sleep, Freckles.” She knew he was right as her eyes started to droop again, but she just couldn't make herself hang up. It was easier when she just fell asleep on him, forcing him to make that decision.

“So, should you. But you aren't.” She sat up and leaned back against the headboard of her bed. Maybe if she was sitting it would be easier to keep her eyes open.

“I'm not falling asleep.” He threw back. She didn't always fall asleep on him. Sometimes he fell asleep on her, but that was not as often. He seemed, as of late anyway, to need to stay partially on guard around her. The sense memory, his fingertips on her side as they swayed back and forth in a dimly lit bar, haunted him at the oddest moments. Not that thinking about her in bed had ever been easy.

“Is my voice not soothing enough for you?” She whispered a slight catch in her throat, practically purring. He closed his eyes and tried to will the image of her sun tinted skin, lit by candle under a less than classy blue tarp, from his mind. Tried to forget the way her voice wrapped tenderly around words of desire as her hand wrapped, warm and firm, around lonely parts of him.

Was her voice not soothing enough?

“Well, if you want me to be honest...” His voice drifted with his thoughts. Her lips, so careful and unsure. Her hair, tangled on his pillow... around his fingers.

“Mmmmhmmm.” She agreed with the suggestion. Something was on his mind, she could hear it in the change of tone. It reminded her of her cheek resting on his chest, his voice vibrating through her skin. Counting heartbeats, fingertips tracing the lines and planes of his body. Slow and sensual.

She shook her head, to clear it. She must be tired. He was right, she should sleep before they wandered into dangerous territory.

He stood and paced to the bedroom door, trying to distract himself from the fantasy that seemed to want to play out in his mind. The one where he got in his car and drove over there, the one where he slowly peeled back her clothing and reintroduce her to the parts of him that ached in remembrance.

“Cut it out, Freckles. That's low.” He growled, Ophelia lifted her head from the bed and cocked it to the side. Studying him as he paced.

“Why?” She was wide awake now, and more than partially confused. Why was agreeing with him a bad thing? She felt like she had missed some vital part of the conversation. Had she fallen asleep on him again?

“You know why.” He sighed and sat on the edge of his bed. He had thought, that by giving them some breathing room, this would all just fizzle out and for the most part it had. He hated the idea of having to make rules. Things had been so easy those first few weeks, but it still seemed like the more time he spent with her, the more confused things got.

“No, I don't.” She objected and he could tell that maybe she really didn't know. Maybe she had no clue how absolutely irresistible she sounded, all half asleep and adorable.

“Oh yeah? In that case, what are you wearing?” His words clued her in. She looked down at the less than sexy tank and short combo she was wearing and smiled, part of her wanted nothing more than to push the envelope and paint a more attractive image. Still she was smart enough to know better than to play with fire.

She would learn from her experiences and not get burned again.

“Wouldn't you like to know.” She teased instead. Better to make a joke than to acknowledge that there was any tension there. Better to ignore it entirely.

He laid back on the bed and smiled. She had a knack for defusing. It was crazy really, how easy she could get him all riled up, then talk him back down in under a minute. All with just the inflection of her voice.

It was probably just because he was lonely and his body really wanted some kind of release. Preferably with a member of the opposite sex, and not alone. But it wasn't fair that he projected those desires onto Kate. She hadn't done anything to deserve it. Not really.

Besides, she was still in love with Jack. And he was still in love with Juliet.

“Go to sleep.” He whispered, dropping the subject.

“Nope.” She smirked. He had done a very good job at interrupting any sleep she had almost obtained. Now she felt edgy, jumpy, full of energy.

“You free this weekend?” He asked as she drew her knees up and began to pick at the spots of polish still stubbornly clinging to her toenails.

“Yeah, I don't have to go back in till Tuesday.” She had been pulling double duty at the diner for awhile. Ever since one of their waitresses gave birth. But with the hire of a new girl, her hours would die down again. Kate didn't know how she felt about that, about suddenly having a lot more hours in the day to fill. She tried not to think about it instead, and watched as little red flecks of paint broke free from her big toe under the assault of her thumb nail.

“Good.” He paused. “You should quit.” She smiled, it was always the same thing with him whenever work was brought up.

“I told you, I like working there.” She lied. They had beaten this argument to death time and time again. But Sawyer was persistent. She wondered if he believed that if he reiterated his feelings on the matter enough she would suddenly agree with him.

“Liar.” He called her on it.

“Ok, but it fills the hours.” And that was the truth. So what if the job wasn't all that great. What else would she be doing? She wasn't qualified for much better and didn't really relish the idea of more schooling. Sure she had done fine in high school and had even put a year or two of college behind her before the money ran out and she was forced to return home to find Wayne still beating the shit out of her mother on a weekly basis. But even back then she had been directionless and indecisive. Ten or so years later, things hadn't changed much. And with no need for a real career or a higher paying job... things just kind of simmered on the back burner.

One day maybe. Though she doubted it.

“Get a new hobby.” He suggested. That was also an avenue she had explored. But she found herself not very talented in any of the areas she could think of. She lacked the creativity and talent needed for anything artistic. Her paintings had turned out looking a lot like Aaron's firetruck pictures, unrecognizable. Her go at anything arts and crafty looked a lot like a horror movie, “Attack of the Glue Gun” or “When Sequins Go Bad.” And unlike him, she never had the patience to sit still long enough to write anything.

She did find a certain satisfaction in physical activities however and for awhile had taken a kick-boxing class at a local gym. Maybe she would sign up for another. But even that wouldn't fill the hours like her crappy job did.

“Or better yet, hang out with me.” He offered a few minutes later.

This too, was something they always came back around to. She didn't mind that conversation though. She liked that he wanted to hang out with her more.

“I'm with you almost everyday as it is.” She teased him and flopped back down on her bed.

“And your point is?” He asked, as if her words held no valid argument. She supposed they really didn't. Something about the two of them... well it never seemed to matter how much time she got with him. It always felt like it was never enough.

“Don't you think we should spend some time apart... you know sometimes?” Still she was obligated to play the other side of the fence. Especially when he never took on the role himself. He was always advocating more time together. She was always the hesitant one, perhaps some things never changed.

“Why?” It was a good question. One she had never been able to come up with a good answer to. If seeing him had been painful, if it had made her want to renew certain aspects of their previous relationship, then taking some time away from each other would be a good idea.

If she had been seeing anyone, or if he had for that matter. Then those would also be good reasons.

But she hadn't really had much interest in getting back out in the playing field after he had come back into her life. Even her disastrous date of two weeks ago hadn't really been because she was eager. It had just kind of happened. And though they had a few of those tension filled moments, after a few days apart, reality had come crashing back down and things were once again entirely platonic between them.

“I don't know... just cause?” She tried. He laughed.

“Not convincing me.” She was so cute when she tried to convince him of things that were unnecessary. She couldn't come up with a reason because there simply was no reason to be had. But it was kind of sweet the way her hesitancy to be close to anyone or thing sometimes made her put up a fight. One day maybe she wouldn't feel the need to do so, at least not with him. But until that day, he would give her that necessary argument, even if it didn't make much sense.

“Yeah, me either.” She sighed again then turned on her side to play with the fabric of her comforter, worrying it between two fingertips for a minute before pausing her actions and asking: “Hey, you doing anything tomorrow?”

“Clem is coming this weekend, so I'm leaving early to go pick her up. I might spend the night in a hotel out there before coming home.”

He was torn between wanting to hang out with her and his daughter. Especially now that he knew she was going to be free all weekend. He would probably rush right home after picking Clem up. He would probably give her a call and see if they could set up something with Aaron, just so that he could see her. And though he realized that, that wasn't how it was supposed to be, he had given up on fighting that, that was how it was.

“You taking Ophelia to meet her?” Kate asked.

“Yeah, she knows I have a surprise for her but she doesn't know what. She's dying to see it.”

He was rather excited to see his daughter's reaction. He could almost picture that grin that would light up her face, the wide eyes and the excited laugh. The way she wouldn't be able to hold back her joy, and bounce up and down letting it slip through her actions.

God, he loved that little girl.

“I wish I could see her face when she meets her. She's gonna love her.” Her tone was wistful. Sawyer could picture Kate's face too, when she witnessed his daughter run over to their new pet and fling her arms around its neck. Kate's face would be filled with sweet awe. She would try to bite back that giggle that plagued her at the simplest of things. Her arms would wrap around her stomach and she would lean a little closer to him and tell him that he had done a good job. She might even peck him on the cheek as they had taken to doing from time to time.

“Why don't you, then?” He asked. Surely she deserved to see what her effort at choosing the right animal had brought about. He wondered why he hadn't thought of it sooner. Cassidy would love the company as well.

“Why don't I what?” Kate sat up. He couldn't be asking what she thought he was asking. Could he?

“Come with us. I'm sure Cassidy would love to see you.” Apparently, he was. But that was a bad idea, certainly not a good one. Especially with the way she had left things with Cassidy.

“Eh... I don't know. We haven't really talked... well since before I went back.” She hesitated to answer him and he sat up.

“She mentioned as much. Why is that exactly?” Something had gone down between them. Something neither one would explain. The most he had gotten out of either one was that Cassidy had said something. But no one bothered to explain just what that something was. Every time it was brought up he got the same story, so it didn't really surprise him when Kate was once again vague in her answer.

“I don't know. I guess she said some things I didn't want to hear and I was... I don't know confused. Then when I got back it just seemed easier to not get in contact with her. Plus, I guess I didn't want to know.”

The last part, the part where she added that she didn't want to know something, that was more than he had gotten from her before. So he decided to try and dig a little. He honestly thought they were both being pretty silly. It seemed that Kate had been a big part of their lives back then, and he thought that after everything she would have learned that they only had a limited time here, and that it could run out anytime. He thought she would have learned to put silly things like this behind her.

“Know what?” He prodded. She hesitated to answer him. Questioned just how honest to be with him. What if her words freaked him out? What if he withdrew when he found out that it was Cassidy's words about him, about how she had felt about him, that had made her run. Just like always.

But there were parts he deserved to know. Maybe he didn't need to know that Cassidy thought she had been head over heels for him back on that island. And maybe she had been, but that was long past. He did deserve to know why she had stayed away though, and if anything, he could understand that part.

Especially now that it was a moot point, anyway.

“I didn't want to know if you had ever gotten in contact with her. And if you were, I didn't want to know that you were that easy to contact.” She blurted out and stood, began pacing back and forth in her room.

“Why?” His question surprised her. Didn't he already know why she had wanted to avoid him? Wasn't it the same reason he had avoided her? Maybe he just needed to hear her say it. She paused in front of her bedroom window and looked out at the night sky. It was overcast again, there were no welcoming stars to place things in perspective, but she forged on anyway. Finally finding the courage to say something she probably should have said the moment he came back into her life.

“I ruined your life, Sawyer. You were finally free of that island, of everything on it. I didn't want to come back into your life just to destroy it again.” She whispered.

He never imagined she blamed herself. It ate at his heart a little, to hear that she had been carrying the guilt that was rightfully his, on her tiny little frame. Didn't she know that he had left not only to get his own shit together, but to make sure it never hurt her again? Didn't she know that he was the one who ruined things, that it was all his fault things went down like they did, all that time ago?

“You never ruined my life, Freckles. I never have, and never will, blame you for any of it.” She smiled softly as she pressed a finger to the glass of her window. Maybe one day she would believe him. But it was unlikely. If she had never gone back to that sub, he would have left with Juliet. They would have been happy. The fact that he didn't blame her, might lessen the pain of it a bit, if she didn't know he took the blame on himself.

“What changed your mind... about you ruining my life again?” He asked a few minutes later. She didn't believe him. He could hear it in her silence. Well, one day he would prove it to her. One day he would find out exactly why she blamed herself and correct her misconceptions.

“I don't know. I guess I haven't felt like the possibility is there anymore. We're both different people and now that we aren't even remotely interested in getting in each other's pants, it's easier. I don't feel like I even could ruin your life. I don't have enough power, or mean enough anymore.” The realization was bittersweet. Though it was nice to know that he didn't blame her, and that things would be easy and... nice... between them. Part of her ached when remembering the fire, the desire his eyes used to hold. That look, like maybe she stopped time for a minute. The adoration she used to feel when he called her Freckles. Or the reverence in that first kiss.

But she would trade none of it for the simple affection he showed her now. The desire to include her in his life in ways that any girlfriend he picked up would never share. What they were now, was better, healthier, and would last a hell of a lot longer.

“Bull. I'd get in your pants anytime you want.” He teased back.

“Ok, but that's just because you know how good it could be.” She smirked and walked back to her bed. Images of his face hovering over hers as he pressed her back into the soft ground, sand, and a less than comfortable thirty year old mattress. She wrapped one arm around herself, holding back the memories of his fingertips ghosting across her skin. Crossed her legs and closed her eyes, trying to forget.

“Hell yeah. You're a little firecracker. I'd be lying if I said I never thought about it, or remembered those nights.” On far too many occasions as of late. Though he noticed that on many occasions it was getting easier to ignore them. Especially when faced with the reality of what would happen if he acted upon any of those little urges. Stealing a kiss from her, would not be worth losing her in his life. A quick tumble between the sheets, would not be worth never seeing her smile again.

He had a lifetime of memories. Sweet memories that could never be tainted or taken. Sometimes that was all life gave. It was all Juliet left him as well.

“Yeah, we had some good times.” She smiled and whispered softly as she let go of herself, uncrossed her legs, and curled up on her side on the bed again.

It was special, what they had back then. But this was better. She had always been afraid of what he would do back then. Always afraid to care too much about him. Afraid to choose one or the other. Afraid to push anything. Afraid to stay. Afraid to go.

Here she was free to care about him for who he was. To admit that just because she cared about him, didn't mean she had to be in love with him, or sleep with him. Here she was no longer afraid of what would happen if she told him certain things. She could share her life with him in a way that she never had been able to before.

Instead of causing the fear, he took it away. Well, as much as she would let him. There would probably always be things he couldn't touch.

“Good times... sure if that's what you want to call them.” He fished. She smiled and hid the laughter bubbling in her throat.

“Oh, Sawyer, Baby. You rocked my world.” She intoned in a lifeless voice, intended to bring a smile to his face.

“That's more like it.” He answered with a false sense of pride. He knew, even if she didn't want to admit it, that she had loved every minute they spent together back then, and wouldn't change any of them either. He didn't need her to confirm it. Her continued presence in his life did just fine at that.

“You're wrong, you know.” He continued on. “About not meaning enough. I think you mean more to me now that you ever did back then. But I get what you're saying. It's different.” He did understand. Unlike Claire, or any of the other various people in their lives, he actually got it. It comforted her to know that for once they were on the same page. What they had wasn't something that could be explained, it lost something in the translation.

People could give them that look, the one that said they knew better. They could ask if she was nuts. They could imply all they wanted. When it came down to it, she knew that he understood. He knew that what they had was something unique and cherished.

So why did anything else matter?

“So... you gonna come with me tomorrow or what?” He questioned.

“Yeah. Anyway... I probably shouldn't leave the state.” She wanted to go, really she did. But facing Cassidy again was a bit overwhelming. What if she said something? What if she hated her for running away like the coward she was? Why couldn't things just stay the same?

And maybe she wasn't ready to face the questions she knew Cassidy would ask. Maybe she wasn't ready to hear what she knew Cassidy would say.

Something about visiting the woman, who knew them both so well, scared her.

“Who is going to know? It's not like they have been all that mindful of you. You check in once a month now, right?” He wasn't going to drop it, and she loved it that he tried. But she wasn't going to be won over so easily either.

Maybe it wasn't really the reason she didn't want to go, but it was a legitimate one. She shouldn't risk getting caught violating her probation. Not after everything that happened.

“Randomly, yeah. But it could still happen more often. They don't want me getting comfortable.” Even though she was quite comfortable and most times forgot she was even on probation. Not to mention all the times she had violated it in the past. But an overtaxed system and overcrowded jails tended to make her probation officer a little unobservant and lax. And it wasn't like her violations in the past had hurt anyone... well besides that one time she left the country and all those people died. But she was pretty sure that her offenses there hadn't been all that criminal and that the state of California wouldn't prosecute her for asking an ex for help.

“Kate, you left the country. You left the present time-line entirely. And somehow, no one caught on.” He made good points, she would give him credit for that, but he never really knew the whole story there.

“It was a fluke. I had checked in two days before we left... and we were gone two and a half weeks. I had just switched from weekly check ins to monthly. I was traveling under an assumed identity and we landed at what was generously labeled an airport on an island with a very nice, 'Don't ask, don't tell' policy. Where, if you recall, Miles paid off anyone too interested in our business with a nice shiny diamond or two. Then you, Claire, Miles, and I, chartered a plane to L.A.”

They had been incredibly lucky. In fact, Frank couldn't have picked a better place or time to land. It was near midnight, most of the island was in bed. Only two men were at the airstrip at the time. Two men who had been more than eager to keep their mouths closed about how many people actually got off of that plane. They had stayed the rest of the night in a nearby field, and then after a plane landed early the next morning, they slipped back, unnoticed by any locals, to charter that plane.

“Yeah, and Frank and Richard got in contact with the airlines after we had taken off and pretended to be the sole survivors of 316. Which was probably the worst lie ever, there wasn't enough damage to that plane to say everyone else died. So?”

He would never forget just how lucky they had been. Any other time and she would have been caught. The island they landed on was beyond small, and the airstrip averaged about two flights per week, most of those supply runs. The fact that Frank had come in six hours before a flight, during the night... And then that anyone believed Frank and Richard... in and of itself miraculous. He figured they must have been due a miracle or two after the hell they had been through.

Because people did believe them. All the papers wrote about the two survivors and how they had managed to repair the plane and limp back to civilization. He was glad to have escaped the fame that came with being a survivor. He knew Kate still struggled with her status as an Oceanic Six, even more so when four of the six suddenly disappeared.

“So, do you realize how impossibly lucky that is? Not only that we got away with it, but that they believed any story that Frank and Richard fed them? Only two other people in the world, know that we got off of that plane when it landed. If those two people hadn't been thrilled about the diamonds, I very well could be in prison right now.”

“But you aren't.” There was really no point in rehashing history. The point was she had gotten away with it, against all odds. Kind of like her trial in the first place. He never really believed in fate, that certain things were meant to be. He liked to think they wrote their own destiny. But if he had to believe in it, then he would have to say that she was never meant to live behind bars.

Because despite everything, it hadn't happened.

The whole concept of destiny, or of meant to be, became null and void if it never actually happened. Life worked out the way it did because of choices made along the way. And sure, breaking her probation was probably not something to take lightly. But he kind of figured at this point it didn't matter much anyway.

He knew she wasn't fighting him on the probation issue.

“And I have no intention of going in the future either.” She clipped back. She wasn't afraid of getting caught. Hadn't really been in years. Like him, she figured if she could get away with fleeing the country for over two weeks, than a day or two in a neighboring state was not going to raise any red flags. Still...

“I think you're scared to see Cassidy again.” He brought up after a moment. She wasn't really scared, just not so eager.

“Don't be ridiculous.” He could tell from her voice he was onto something. But this was Kate, she would need to come to that conclusion by herself.

“What if I called and begged your probation officer? You've been a good girl, maybe he'll let you take a field trip with me.” In reality that would be a horrible idea. She was pretty sure that hanging out with him at all was probably a violation of her probation. He was an ex-con after all. Even if he was clearly reformed.

It had never even occurred to her before. She smiled at the thought. She certainly wasn't going to stop hanging out with him because of it.

Not to mention that the only real sticking point with the prosecution had been that she not leave the state for ten years. She didn't really think permission would be granted upon request.

“If you call him at two in the morning, he'll never let me take a field trip again.” She teased, she knew he wouldn't call. He wasn't an idiot and they had talked about her trial before. He wanted to know everything about it and the conditions of her probation. She wondered if he realized he was a violation of it.

He rolled his eyes. He knew she was just beating around the bush and avoiding the real topic.

“I meant tomorrow, Smart Ass.” He knew a call would not make her happy, and knew that she wasn't going to jump on the wagon just because he offered to get permission, but he was running out of ideas.

“You are coming back, aren't you?” She teased him a minute later.

“Of course. Why would you even ask that?” His voice held real confusion and she laughed.

“We can hang out when you get back. Aaron and Clem would love to see each other, I'm sure. You still haven't stopped by to show Aaron Ophelia yet either.” She explained.

He sighed and stood up again. Ophelia watched from the bed as he resumed his pacing.

“You really are a coward sometimes.” He was disappointed in her, she could hear it in his voice. She was pissed that he wouldn't take no for an answer.

“I am not. I just don't see a point.” She objected sharply.

“Did you ever ask for permission to visit Cass before?” He stopped pacing and demanded.

“Well, not really... but.” She stood up and hesitated in answering.

“Didn't you meet with your probation officer last week?” He continued on, barely waiting long enough for her to answer.

“Well, yes...” She stumbled on her words.

“And how long has it been since you had a surprise visit?” He continued to grill, not letting up even a little bit.

“...Last month?” She questioned herself.

“So... you're not afraid to see Cass again?”

Her frustration exploded out in a quick short burst of words.

“What if it's weird between us? What if she's mad I didn't stay in touch?” Then silently added: 'What if she chews me out for hanging out with you again? What if she thinks I'm being stupid and naive?'

“What if she's just happy to have you back in her life? What if she missed you?” He questioned back. Cass wasn't angry with her, if anything she missed her friend. But no amount of telling was going to get Kate to believe it.

“Fine.” She grumbled and flopped back down on the bed, tempted to throw the phone across the room. Instead she scowled and chucked a pillow at the wall.

“What?” He couldn't believe she had said yes. He was getting ready to drop it entirely. Running out of steam and ideas. He smiled and returned back to the bed.

“You heard me.” She growled. He wanted to kiss the sour expression, he knew she was wearing, away. Wanted to gather her in his arms and thank her. This would be good for both of them. She would see.

“I'm leaving early. I'll swing by at six?” She was just about to forgive him for being so pushy when he mentioned the time.

“That is in four hours!” It came out sharper than she intended but he laughed in response.

“I told you to go to sleep earlier.” He teased.

“You are a cruel, cruel man. Are you even going to be able to function at six in the morning with no sleep?” She ripped the comforter free and crawled under it, turned on her side her phone resting between the pillow and her ear as she gathered the blankets around her and settled in.

He smiled at her response as he shoved Ophelia over so he could free his blankets from under her. She whined and refused to budge more than an inch or so. He rolled his eyes and shucked his jeans and tee shirt quickly, then settled next to the dog in his boxers.

“Remember three hours ago when you were going on and on about how much the new waitress at the diner gets on your nerves?” He questioned as he continued to tug at his blanket.

“Yeah, what does that have to do with anything?”

“I got a good nap in then. I should be fine.” She rolled her eyes at his response.

“Hey, remind me to slug you tomorrow for that.” She said, her voice void of emotion, as he finally freed his blanket.

“Sure.” He agreed and watched Ophelia, now unhappy at the disturbance of her bed, stand and resettle next to him.

“How do you plan to fit us all in your truck?” She yawned, her exhaustion finally starting to catch back up with her.

“Ophelia is riding in the back.” Ophelia's head rose at the mention of her name and he scratched behind her ears. He didn't give Kate time to object before continuing. “Don't go getting your panties in a knot, I installed a tie out system in the back of the truck. It's supposed to be the best on the market.”

“Good.”

“I figured you would approve.”

“Have you tested it yet?” She asked.

“She loves it.” Ophelia barked in agreement and then resumed her sleeping position. Kate smiled as she drifted closer to sleep. She missed that big lovable beast.

“Will you put her on the phone?”

“Seriously?” He never pegged her as one of those girls. He credited it to her being tired.

“I know it's silly... I just miss her.” She admitted. He could almost see that lower lip stick out in a pout meant to manipulate him. She always was good at manipulation.

“You haven't seen me in just as long.” He pointed out. He felt it was a valid argument.

“Yeah, but you keep calling every night. I can't get rid of you.” She teased softly. He smiled.

“You called last night.” She decided to ignore his comeback.

“You going to put her on the phone or not?” He chuckled lightly, not at all surprised that she didn't take the bait.

“You're going to see her tomorrow. In a few hours actually.”

“Why did you have to remind me?” She sighed and he wished he could curl up behind her and wrap her in his arms. “Ok, don't put her on the phone. I'm going to hang up on you and get some sleep. You should sleep too, I don't want to die in some horrible car accident because you fell asleep at the wheel.”

Her sharp words always seemed more like little affectionate kisses, he noted as he too started to drift to sleep.

“I told you already, I slept through most of your conversation.” His low voice, dark and gravely always made her feel safe and cared for despite the meaning behind the words he used.

“Goodnight, Sawyer.”

“Goodnight, Kate.”

“If I'm not up when you stop by, let yourself in. Oh, and make sure that the coffee you bring is still hot.” She still wasn't ready to say goodnight. Never was. Probably never would be.

“Who said I was bringing coffee?” He asked, awakened slightly by her implied demand.

“You know, from the little place around the corner that we always go to?” Her voice sugary sweet.

“Fine. I'll bring you coffee. Anything else, Princess?” His gruff and annoyed.

“No, that will be all.” She smiled, then softened her tone. “Hey, James?”

“Yes, Freckles?” This had to be as close to heaven as he would ever get. His best friend's voice soft and sweet in his ear as he fell asleep. Maybe that was all he ever really wanted in life.

“Do you really think she isn't mad at me?” She asked timidly.

“I know she isn't. Now go to sleep.” He replied in a whisper.

She believed him.

“Night.”

“Night.”

Neither one of them hung up before drifting to sleep.


	12. An Old Journey

 

 

_***_

_Tell me what you thought about when you were gone_  
_And so alone_  
 _The worst is over_  
 _You can have the best of me_  
 _We got older_  
 _But we're still young_  
 _We never grew out of this feeling that we won't give up_

_Jumping to conclusions_  
_Made me fall away from you_  
 _I'm so glad that the truth has brought back together me and you_

The Best of Me _  
-The Starting Line_

_***_

She was sitting on the porch waiting for him when he pulled in her driveway early the next morning. He watched with a grin when she jumped off the porch step and headed toward the truck before he had even stopped moving. Ophelia barked in recognition and pulled at her chain in the back.

He exited his truck just in time to watch Kate's jean clad butt disappear over the side of the truck bed.

“Good to see you too, Freckles.” He teased as he watched the two friends reunite. He couldn't decide who was more excited to see who. Ophelia's tail was waving hard enough to knock out an unsuspecting victim while Kate gushed about how much she missed her, 'baby.'

Ophelia licked Kate's cheek and Kate giggled.

“Anyway, it doesn't seem to me like you need any coffee.” Sawyer muttered under his breath.

“It's good to see you too, Sawyer.” He imitated a female voice. “Oh really? I hope you're not using me for my dog.” Then answered himself before switching back to the imitation. “Oh no, I would never do that.” He continued his private conversation as he leaned back into his truck and grabbed a cup of coffee. “Of course not, I never thought you would, Freckles. But there have been rumors and I just wanted to make sure.”

By this time Ophelia had stopped barking and seemed to be settling back down. “Don't believe them, Babe.” He muttered, continuing his impersonation of her as he closed the door.

Kate's snort caught his attention. Both she and the dog were watching him.

“Babe?” She questioned. “Really?”

He simply shrugged.

“Is that my coffee?” She pointed and he hesitated.

“I don't know. I go out of my way to bring you coffee and what do I get?” He gestured toward the dog. “Not as half as much as that mutt.”

“Hi.” Kate smirked and leaned over the edge of the truck bed to try and grab her coffee from him.  
He stepped back with a smirk of his own and held the coffee just out of her reach.

“Hi yourself.” He teased and watched as she stood up and sat on the edge of the truck bed, swinging her legs over the side to hang down the front. She braced herself with her hands and cocked her head to the side.

“What do I have to do to get my coffee?” She asked.

“I haven't decided yet.” He admitted as he took her in. She was wearing a dark washed jean, worn through on her right knee. On her feet a pair of beat up flip flops, navy and rubber, that looked like they had seen one too many outings, but seemed right at home on her. The nail polish that had clung so stubbornly to her toes for weeks now, was gone and he could picture her picking at it mindlessly to remove it. The image made him smile.

“What?” She questioned and he shook his head and handed her the cup of coffee.

“Nothing.” She rolled her eyes and took a cautious swallow.

“Mmm. This is perfect. Thank you.” He shrugged and went back to studying her. Her shirt was a cute girlie number. Something he wasn't yet all that accustom to seeing her wear. Since they had met up again, most of the time spent with her, involved a tee shirt and a pair of jeans. True, he had seen her dressed up on a few occasions, but nothing this simple yet feminine. It was white with eyelets covering most of the shirt. Held up with small straps in a navy floral print that contrasted nicely against her freckled shoulders. The same fabric was repeated in a strip down the front of the shirt and along the bottom edge. Three white buttons rested between her breasts, drawing his eyes to them only marginally better than the seam that circled the shirt just under them. Not that she needed any help in that department. The shirt was also cut low enough to show a hint of cleavage when she moved. He wasn't objecting.

“What are you staring at?” She asked him after a moment. His eyes seemed to have glazed over a bit and she looked down at her shirt fearing she had spilled some coffee or had some unsightly spot. Her free hand brushed at the fabric, tugging and pulling in search of the offending item.

Her quest, however, only managed to unsettle her on the side of the truck and before she realized what was happening, Sawyer stepped up between her legs and used his body to keep her from tumbling over the side.

“Thanks.” She murmured and watched as he took the cup from her hand. Her hair hung in two partial braids, as if she had given up with the idea halfway and just tied it off and called it good. Curls hung freely, tangling together and begging for his fingers to free them. And because she was Kate, bits and pieces escaped and curled around her face, refusing to be bound with the rest. She looked like a tomboy woman child. Just rough enough around the edges, just sweet enough to keep. His Freckles.

“Ok, seriously, what's going on with you?” Kate asked after a moment. He hadn't stepped back. Instead he had rested one hand on her thigh with his warm body cradled between her knees. This in and of itself was not odd, however. They often found themselves in the same position when they hung out at his place or even hers. It wasn't uncommon for her to find herself sitting on a counter with him holding out a spoon for her to taste something, or reaching behind her for a dish. What was uncommon was for him to drift off and get lost in his head, or to stay standing there with no intention of moving.

It was a good question. What was going on with him? One he would probably have to evaluate later. He was already running behind schedule. After falling asleep on her the night before, he had forgotten to set any alarms and had awakened to Ophelia whining to go out twenty minutes after he would have liked to have been up. His phone on the pillow next to him had run completely dead. He had barely had time to hop in the shower after taking Ophelia out and throw on some clothes before walking out the door to go pick up her coffee on his way to her place.

“Nothing.” He took a sip of her coffee and she rolled her eyes and stole it back from him. “Come on. We're running late.” He tugged a pigtail. “These belong on little girls.” He added as he stepped back.

She stuck out her tongue and Ophelia barked in agreement. Somehow when the three of them got together, his dog always seemed to side with Kate. Any other time and she was completely devoted to him. And though he would never tell Kate, he thought she had done a remarkable job of picking the perfect dog for him. Even if she seemed to prefer Kate. He wouldn't hold it against the dog, most of the time he preferred Kate as well.

“Is that an invitation? Cause, Honey, I'm not sure we have the time for a quickie if we don't want to get caught in traffic.” He teased and she rewarded him with a slug to his arm.

“That was for last night.” She smiled sweetly and slugged him again. “And that was for just now.”

“Son of a Bitch. Why are you so violent, Woman?”

“Oh, but Baby, it's only for you.” She teased. He placed his hands around her waist and lifted her down from her perch, setting her on the ground in front of him.

“It's nice to know you save something for me. Makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside.” Placing his hands on her shoulders he turned her around and gave her a shove. “Now get in the truck so we can get out of here.”

“Bossy.” She muttered under her breath, then handed him the cup of coffee again. “I left my sweater on the porch, let me go grab it first.” She called over her shoulder as she hurried back to her porch.

“Alright, be quick about it though.” He called out after her as she picked up a navy half sweater and pulled it on, the sleeves resting just above her elbows.

“I'm not the one who was twenty minutes late.” She taunted as she picked up her purse and shoved her cellphone into her tight low slung jeans, then started back to the truck.

“Hmmm. Well, someone kept me up on the phone all night.” He fired back as he walked around the truck and opened the door for her.

“Did you get a new girlfriend?” She paused in front of the open truck door and questioned innocently.

“Nah, it's this girl I met ages ago. Annoying as hell, but I can't seem to shake her.” He smirked as he handed her her coffee. She matched his smirk before responding.

“Sounds like this asshole I know. I think he thinks he's funny.” She took a sip of her coffee again, hiding behind her cup. He rolled his eyes and gestured toward the truck, indicating she should get in.

“Maybe we should hook them up. It might get them off our backs.” He suggested softly as he watched her climb in and settle.

“It's an idea, but I don't think it would work.” Kate answered as she set her cup in the travel holder that the coffee shop had provided for him on the seat next to her. “I imagine she has a lot of baggage.” She continued, this time meeting his eyes with a sad smile. He sighed and she blew at a strand of hair that had escaped and seemed determined to get in her eyes.

“Eh, I bet she's worth it though.” He answered honestly and brushed the hair away from her eyes, his hand resting ever so briefly on her cheek.

“You know, sometimes you can be surprisingly sweet.” Her voice was soft and choked through emotion. It was times like this when she played with the idea that maybe this time they could work. Times like this when she thought that maybe she was wrong. Maybe they had been working toward this all along. That Jack and Juliet could have just been pit stops along the road. That maybe, just maybe, they would always find themselves back here after everything was said and done.

“And sometimes you can be surprisingly sane.” He teased as he stepped back and slammed the door.

She rolled her eyes to herself, and her silly thoughts. Yeah, they could work... until he opened his mouth. Kate watched as he ran around the front of the truck and opened his door, climbing in to join her.

“I have an idea. Why don't we chain you up in the back and Ophelia can ride up front with me? I think she would make a better traveling companion.” She shot back as he buckled up and turned the key.

“Dogs ride in the back.” His answer was quick and left no room for argument. Kate smiled as she pulled her seatbelt on then looked over her shoulder out the window where Ophelia was watching them both.

“Sorry girl, I tried.”

He laughed then backed out of her driveway.

 

***

The first few hours of the trip went by quietly. Kate, despite her earlier enthusiasm, found keeping her eyes open to be difficult. The handful of hours she had spent sleeping the night before were little help against the blur of the freeway lines. When it started to rain twenty minutes into the ride she made him pull over and put Ophelia in the front with them. Ophelia, who hadn't seemed to mind the rain at all, sat where she had once been. Kate slid over on the seat and pressed her body against the side of his.

She fiddled with the thermostat for a bit, claiming that she was cold, but he thought maybe she was more concerned about the dog than actually cold. Especially when she kept asking if he thought Ophelia sounded as if she was congested. Luckily though, the warm air blowing from the vents and the patter of the rain on the truck seemed to lull both Kate and the dog into sleep in remarkable time.

He smiled as Kate's head bobbed next to him, and a cute little snore tried to escape. She would kill him if he teased her about it later, which was probably why he had every intention of doing so.

He had expected her to be all nerves and jitters, so it surprised him when she nodded off. Especially after her argument of the night before. If he was honest with himself, he would admit that even he was a little uneasy about the situation. Not because he was afraid like Kate was, but because if things didn't go well between the two women it could get ugly fast. Well, and maybe he was a little unnerved by what Cass could tell Kate, though he was sure that she had spent three years telling Kate all kinds of stories. In fact, one day he would have to ask Kate just how much she knew about him. Cassidy didn't know a lot of things, but she had more than enough to embarrass the hell out of him.

Maybe putting the two of them together wasn't such a good idea after all.

The warm air was stifling in the closed off cab, so he reached over and turned down the dial on the heater. Kate's warm body next to his only increased the stuffiness of the truck so he cracked his window and let the fresh smelling air blow in.

Kate murmured something that sounded halfway like an objection then turned sideways and rested her head against the back of the seat, her legs trying to come up and fold under her. Finding that there wasn't enough room she moaned and woke. Her eyes opening slowly, objecting to the light.

She watched him for a moment, his eyes focused on the road ahead of them. His strong arms resting on his denim covered knees. His face relaxed as the rest of his body. He wore a simple red tee, that seemed to accent the muscles in his chest in a very nice way, his leather jacket slung over the back of the seat. Every once in awhile he would hum to the music playing quietly on the radio, the swish of the windshield wipers in the background.

She was familiar with the way the wind tangled in his hair, her fingers itching to brush it free and trace the line of his jaw. Learn him again, discover all his new scars. The cold air blowing in the window chilled her, but she didn't want to move. Didn't want to risk discovery. There was something calming about the way he gripped the wheel, confident and in control. Something soothing about the sound that slid passed his lips, the slight twang in his voice when he murmured along to a word or two of the song playing on the radio. The sound of the rain on the roof, his fingers tapping along on the wheel. The swish of the water under their wheels. The click of a blinker as he switched lanes.

Washed clean. She let the rain fresh air in, making her feel new again. Making them feel pure and innocent. Her stomach had been in a mess of knotted confusion since waking up. She still hadn't decided if going to clear the air between Cassidy and herself was a good idea or just a way to punish herself. Part of her was terrified to witness Sawyer and Cassidy together.

What if what they had resembled what she shared with Sawyer? Would she be okay with that? And why did it matter? It shouldn't, she shouldn't be possessive of him. Shouldn't feel a little jealous or envy the other woman. And she never had in the past. But the idea that he could sit and talk with Cassidy for hours scared her. That maybe what she had with him wasn't so special after all.

Maybe it was only normal for Sawyer to act as he did with her. Again, that thought shouldn't be such an upsetting one. She was more than okay with him dating other women, so why was it that when he was friends with a woman, the idea terrified her.

Why was she still so afraid he would leave her... or worse... replace her?

The rain blew in the window and every now and then a cold drop hit her face or arm. She tried not to shudder and give herself away.

“Aren't you cold with the rain blowing in on you?” She asked softly after a moment causing him to jump.

“Jesus, Freckles. Warn a man next time.” She chuckled as she pulled his jacket down and wrapped it around her arms. “I'm fine. Are you still cold?” He asked as he watched her burrow into his jacket. She took a deep inhale and smiled.

She was being silly. He wasn't going to replace her and even if what he had with Cassidy was similar, it could never be the same.

“I was, but I'll be fine now.”

He thought maybe she meant more than she said, and he studied her out of the corner of his eye, waiting to see if she would open up and tell him what was running through that crazy mind of hers. But she didn't say anymore and he let the subject lie untouched. One day she would tell him, he knew.

“I thought maybe we could stop for breakfast in a little bit. There's a halfway decent place bout an hour from here.” He suggested a moment later and reached around her back to grab the edge of his jacket and tuck it around her. His arm staying behind her.

“Ok.” She agreed and cuddled closer stealing his body heat.

“We can put the dog in the back you know. It's barely raining now and I think I have a tarp somewhere back there.” He suggested as she tried to find a comfortable position.

“Maybe in a little while. I'd feel bad knowing she was out there in the cold.” He smiled and hugged her to him, his arm running up and down hers, the friction warming her slightly. She settled into him, wondering idly why the little nook he created with his body was always ten times more comfortable than any bed.

“My little ice cube.” He murmured. She groaned at his comment and rubbed her cheek against his shoulder. It itched, she justified.

It didn't take her long to fall asleep again, this time using him as a pillow.

 

***

The next time she woke was to the car slowing and then coming to a stop.

“Hey, Sleepyhead.” He whispered and traced a finger down her cheek. She groaned and turned her head to bury her face in the hollow of his neck. “It stopped raining and we've stopped for breakfast.”

“Hmmm. Sleep.” She moaned. He laughed and her stomach gurgled in response to his suggestion of food.

Ophelia barked and nudged Kate's back.

“I hate you both right now.” She muttered into Sawyer's neck then realized exactly where she was and sat up quickly.

“Sorry.” She spit out, her cheeks bright red as she refused to make eye contact.

“What for? You didn't drool on me did you?” He looked down and pretended to be offended at the suggestion but finding no drool just shrugged it off instead. “Come on. I'm starving.”

He popped his door open and climbed out. Ophelia tried to make a run for it, climbing over Kate's lap to get out. Kate shoved against the dog, trying not to get trampled as Sawyer stood by laughing.

“Get off.” She huffed and pulled herself out from under the dog.

“Good Girl.” Sawyer teased and Kate gave him a death glare as she gathered her purse and climbed out the other door, making sure to slam it behind her.

“Hey, be careful. Betsy didn't do anything to you.” He put his hand on the truck, a wounded look on his face. “It's ok Baby, I won't let her hurt you.” He murmured and stroked the side of the truck.

“And I'm the silly one?” Kate raised an eyebrow as she met him on the other side of the truck. “At least Ophelia is actually alive.”

Ophelia barked and ran to the other side of the truck, picking up the scent of the food being cooked inside the restaurant, eager for a treat of her own.

“Sorry Girl, you have to wait in the truck.” Kate said sadly as Sawyer walked around the truck and let the back down so she could get in. Kate watched as Sawyer called to the dog and climbed in the back himself. Ophelia simply stared back and forth between the two of them, unsure who to follow.

After a few minutes of Ophelia barking and not moving, Kate climbed up onto the truck and called to the dog and Sawyer got out, intending to grab her collar and direct her toward the truck. Instead Ophelia thought it was a game and ran from him. Kate laughed and Sawyer stopped the chase to glare in her direction.

“You have to admit it's funny.” Kate called out.

“Son of a Bitch.” He called out as he chased after the dog. Kate only laughed harder as Ophelia once more faked left and Sawyer darted after her.

“Come on, Ophelia. Here Girl!” Kate called again, taking pity on him a few minutes later.

“I dare you.” Sawyer growled at the dog, not amused in the least. He made a move to grab for her and she took off again, this time in the correct direction. Unfortunately, Sawyer tripped and fell flat on his face.

This time he didn't turn to glare at Kate who was laughing her head off in the back of his truck, instead he swore up a storm, annoyed.

“Bad Girl.” Kate giggled. Yeah, like the dog was gonna believe it was bad when she used that tone. He was pretty sure not even Kate thought it was bad. In fact he would bet that Kate was still busy trying to contain her laughter.

He pulled himself up and brushed his shirt off. It was covered in mud. He supposed it was a good thing he had a sweatshirt in the back of the cab. Stupid dog. If she had just been in the back where she belonged none of it would have happened.

“You coming?” Kate asked and he turned around to see that while he had been making a fool of himself, Kate had secured Ophelia in the back of the truck and was climbing out as she spoke.

“Yeah, just a sec.” He flung open the door and dug around behind the seat for a minute, then pulled free a wrinkled old hoodie. Kate turned up her nose as he sniffed it.

“What? I'm covered in mud.” He pulled the tee shirt off and Kate flushed. Surprised at her body's immediate reaction to his naked skin, she turned her back on him and took a deep breath trying to block out the pounding in her ears.

Sawyer bit back a smirk as he pulled the sweatshirt on. It was nice to know that she was still affected by him. Sometimes he felt very much alone in his attraction to her.

“Come on.” He stepped up behind her and placed an arm around her shoulders. “Let's get something to eat.”

 

***

After breakfast Kate begged to be allowed to drive. He refused to grant her request and she found herself once more delegated to the passenger seat. She thought it might have had something to do with her teasing him over their meal about his face plant and not being able to catch his dog. This time Ophelia stayed in the back as well, probably as punishment for playing hard to get.

The rest of the drive was rather uneventful. She dosed a bit, resting her head against the window. He watched her out of the corner of his eye. They talked about nothing important.

She tried to ask about his manuscript, having left the topic alone since the morning she had found out about it. But he quickly brushed her off and she granted his request for a topic change.

Before she knew it they were pulling up at a small house in the middle of suburbia, complete with 'white picket fence,' which technically was more of a stucco cement wall to match with the architecture of the neighborhood but the feeling applied. The truck hadn't even come to a stop when Clementine came bursting through the front door.

“Daddy!” She called out. Kate watched as he threw open his door and climbed down just in time to catch the little girl as she jumped into his arms.

“And how is my little princess?” He asked.

“I missed you. Did you bring my present?”

Ophelia barked and Clem's eyes shot to the back of the truck. She squirmed against her father's hold and Sawyer set her down and watched as she ran to the side of the truck. Cassidy's garage was behind her house, and Sawyer had pulled up just enough to block the view into the truck with the house, so Kate turned around and watched through the back window, crouching down slightly. Unintentionally hiding.

“Is that for me?” Clementine asked, jumping up and down and trying to climb up into the truck.

“She better be staying at your house, Sawyer.” Cassidy called out as she came outside to see what the ruckus was all about.

“Hello, Cass. I brought a present for you too.” He said softly as Cass stepped up beside him. Kate cowered in the corner of her seat, still not exiting the vehicle.

“It better not be the size of a house, with four legs.” She muttered. He laughed.

“Daddy! I wanna see the dog! What's her name?” Clem demanded when she realized she wasn't yet tall enough to get onto his truck by herself.

“She's in the truck. I think she's afraid to come out. Be nice.” Sawyer warned as he stepped over to lift Clem into the back of the truck.

Cassidy sent him a confused look then stepped around him to look in the truck. She smiled.

“Katherine Anne Austen, get that scrawny ass out here and say hello. I promise we don't bite!” Cassidy yelled toward the truck and Kate blushed in embarrassment.

“It's good to see you brought her.” Cassidy whispered softly.

“She thinks you're mad at her.” Sawyer murmured as Kate climbed out and closed the door.

“Bullshit.” She whispered, then raised her voice to ensure Kate heard. “She's afraid I'm going to tattle on her.”

“You don't have anything to tattle on.” Kate said softly as she stepped around the truck.

“Auntie Kate!” Clem yelled in excitement. “Look what Daddy got me!”

“Actually, your Auntie Kate helped pick her out.” Sawyer explained as he climbed in the truck with his daughter and the dog.

“Did you have to pick the biggest damn dog there?” Cassidy asked then stepped over to where Kate hesitated. “It's really good to see you and I promised Sawyer I'd behave. So get over here and give me a proper greeting.” Cassidy wrapped an arm around Kate's shoulders and Kate turned toward Cass and wrapped her arms around her friend's neck.

“I'm sorry.” Kate murmured.

“Don't be. You don't have anything to be sorry for.”

Kate pulled back and raised an eyebrow.

“I do expect to know everything, however.” Cassidy smirked and nodded toward Sawyer and their daughter who was currently occupied by Ophelia's slobbery kisses. “And I expect to be called, and kept caught up.”

“There really isn't anything to tell...” Kate hesitated, she cast her eyes back up at Sawyer and Clementine. Sawyer had his back to them and was unhooking the dog. Clementine was clapping with excitement.

“You are full of shit, and I don't expect you to spill everything in front of him.” Cassidy then raised her voice again. “Because you and I both know he's listening.”

“I am not.” Sawyer fired back with one of his classic shit eating grins. He had to admit to himself that he was suddenly very interested in just what Cassidy could get out of Kate.

“Play with your daughter and your dog. Kate and I are going to catch up.”

“Her name is Ophelia.” Sawyer defended the dog causing Kate to smile. He grinned back at her.

“Classy. You think of that one yourself?” Cassidy taunted stepping back from the truck and Sawyer helped Clementine down as Ophelia hopped down next to them and began sniffing at Cassidy's feet.

“Nah, she was already named. But I thought, he could enjoy a Shakespeare reference.” Kate confessed. “He always had his nose in a book on the Island, so...”

“Don't buy a word out of her mouth, Kate is more in love with this dog than Clementine is.” Sawyer objected and watched as Clem knelt on the ground next to the dog, her arms wrapped around Ophelia's neck.

“You two are sickeningly sweet.” Cassidy said as she grabbed Kate's arm. “Let's leave these guys out here.”

Sawyer laughed at the look that crossed Kate's face as his ex pulled her along. She was begging for his help and he could only shrug. Cassidy was going to get her way no matter what, and he had a feeling that Kate would thank him later.

Kate took a deep breath and followed. There was no way she was getting out of this conversation.


	13. A New Conversation With An Old Friend

_ _

_We got our feet on the wire talking 'bout flying. Maybe we're diving in over our heads. Scared of what I'm feeling. Staring at the ceiling, here tonight. Come on and lay down these arms, all our best defenses. We're taking our chances here on the run. The fear is an anchor. Time is a stranger. Love isn't borrowed. We aren't promised tomorrow._

_We'll never be ready if we keep waiting for the perfect time to come. Hold me steady, we'll never be ready. When we don't know, though we can't see, just walk on down this road with me. Hold me steady, we'll never be ready._

_You're OK here with me, here in the silence, with all of the violence crashing around. Saying we can't go. Saying we don't know. This road that is narrow is the one we should follow._

_Steady my hands this one could turn around._   
_Steady my heart, it's beating faster._   
_Steady my hands this one could turn around._   
_Steady my heart, it's beating faster._   
_Beating faster now._

_We'll never be ready if we keep waiting for the perfect time to come. Hold me steady, we'll never be ready. When we don't know, though we can't see, just walk on down this road with me. Hold me steady, we'll never be ready._

Never Be Ready  
_-Mat Kearney_

 

Cassidy's patio was large and wrapped around the side of her house. Covered, it held a swing on one side with a sizable sitting area nested quaintly in the opposite corner. Large arches held up the tiled roof in a very typical southwestern style, dotting the edge of the patio and creating a boundary between the yard and house. A large fan hung from the ceiling and circulated the air in the midday heat. Brightly colored pillows lined two wicker seats and a love-seat, a coffee table with a glass surface sat in the middle of the over-sized pieces of furniture.

The house itself was one level, spread out leaving little room for a yard, which was mostly landscaped with rocks and climate appropriate plant life. There was a stretch of grass in the front however, which Sawyer and Clem played with Ophelia on. Kate watched as Cassidy led her to the sitting area. Sawyer was teaching Clem all of the commands that Ophelia knew, and Ophelia was loving every minute of the attention.

“This is lovely.” Kate gestured to her surroundings and Cassidy rolled her eyes.

“You should see the pool out back. Phil is an investment banker, of all things, and he does rather well. But I'm pretty sure you didn't come to see the house.” Cassidy plopped down in one of the chairs and Kate sat on the love-seat next to it, fiddling with the hem of her shirt and avoiding eye contact as she shook her head in agreement. She didn't quite know why she agreed to come, but she did know it wasn't just to see where Cassidy and Clem had settled.

“So?” Cass questioned.

Seeing Cassidy brought up so much. Besides the obvious relief at knowing that she wasn't hung up on the disappearing act Kate had pulled two years ago, it brought up darker feelings as well. Cassidy had been her best friend for three years, the shoulder she would cry on when things weren't going well. The voice of reason. The fuel needed to fan the flames necessary to try and burn certain people from her memory. Seeing her again, brought up the pain of those three years. Of failed relationships. Of desperate longing. Of lonely nights and empty arms. Of arguments and drunken ramblings. It reminded her of the lie she had tried to make a reality, and of the brief moments of happiness that dotted the entire journey.

Mostly, it reminded her of another time... and the man she had spent that time with.

She didn't want to remember those things. They were her past, and she wasn't fond of dwelling on them.

“So... Phil. Where'd you meet him? Last I knew, you were determined to be single for the rest of your life. Something about men being worthless scum, I think.” Kate tried to direct the conversation away from her. She didn't want to talk about them or about how she never called to let Cass know she was back or that things were okay. About how she had run away from any truth, or partial truth that Cassidy had brought up. Run from any connection tied to him...to both of them really. Sawyer and Jack.

She ditched Cassidy to run from Sawyer. Selling her house to Claire, buying a new one, changing her wardrobe, they had all been about leaving Jack behind.

Honestly, she had built a happy little condo in No Man's Land. And for two years, the only guy allowed in favored juice boxes and had just recently given up afternoon naps.

“I was, but things change when you least expect it. I got a flat tire on the way to pick up Clem from a friend's house. Phil stopped, and things just kind of happened. It's not a very interesting story really.” She shrugged. “Not like you and Sawyer.”

Kate ignored the lead in. She knew that Cassidy was going to try and sniff something out, create a reality that didn't exist between the two of them. But she would not be baited.

“Guess you two were just meant to be then.” Kate offered. Cassidy laughed and shook her head.

“There's no such thing. We made a choice to be together. If you're waiting for things to fall into place, you're going to be waiting forever. Phil is great and I'm glad we're together, but don't go fooling yourself into believing some fairytale reality. The real world just doesn't work that way.”

No, it didn't. Sometimes the person you wanted to be with, was the last person you could ever be with.

Cassidy reached across the distance between them and grabbed Kate's hand, gave it a squeeze as Kate's eyes met hers again. Something was troubling the younger woman, and Cassidy thought maybe she knew what it was. She knew that look, the head hanging in defeat, the distance in her stance. And she knew from three years of experience what usually caused it. Four letters, starting with a 'J,' and ending with an 'ack.'

Even when they had been friends before, Cassidy had watched her friend struggle with the man, and her feelings for another man impossibly far away. To her things had always been clear. Kate had some kind of notion in her head, that being with Sawyer was always going to be a bad choice. And five years ago, when Kate first came back into their life with a little blond baby, Cassidy would have agreed completely. But it didn't change the fact that Kate had feelings for him, or that she could never have a real lasting relationship with Jack until she dealt with them.

Cassidy had been there when Sawyer wasn't. She had witnessed Kate's personal struggle through what Kate said, or more often didn't say. And there had been a point when she had thought that maybe Jack was a better option, and that maybe Kate could be happy with him. She certainly loved him enough. But she never made that choice. Never chose to give up the ghost of Sawyer completely and move on with Jack. She supposed that was probably why, in the end, they didn't make it.

Cassidy had heard the story of Jack's emotional meltdown; of the drinking and the pills, of the violent outbursts and emotional abuse that Kate had suffered at his hands. And though she knew that, in the end, that was why Kate had kicked him out and broken things off with him, Cassidy had always questioned what led Jack down that path in the first place. At the time, Kate claimed it was guilt over the lie they were all telling, but Cassidy thought that there was perhaps more to the story.

“I'm not waiting for anything. But nice try.” Kate smiled softly. But wasn't she always? Always waiting for something, whether it be Prince Charming or for the other shoe to drop. Somehow, it felt like she was always waiting for the next thing. The next stage, the next stop. Then when it came, she ran. She was tired of running, emotionally as well as physically, and for the most part she had stopped doing that when Jack died. But perhaps she was a day late and a dollar short of happiness because she had waited so long. Some part of her, was probably always going to blame herself for the mess she had made in Jack's life. For making him believe that there were things that couldn't be changed or forgiven.

Even if she knew, logically, that Jack made his own choice. And that in the end, it had been to let her go.

“You can't blame me.” Cassidy smiled softly.

“No, I suppose not.” Kate sighed and pulled her hand from Cassidy's, leaning back on the seat and pulling her feet up and under her, her flip flops staying on the ground. “It's just...” Kate shrugged and looked out to where Sawyer and Clem played with the dog. Watched as Ophelia jumped up on Clem and knocked her off her feet completely.

“I'll get it out of you eventually.” Cassidy almost whispered. Clementine laughed as Ophelia hovered over her, licking her face. Kate turned back to Cassidy before answering.

“I know.” It was a promise. Cassidy nodded. It was how they worked. Kate would deny and fight it, but eventually she would always give in and listen to what Cassidy had to say. She was glad to see that the fighter in Kate still resisted.

“Alright then. Want something to drink? I just made some iced tea, and if you're nice I could slip something special in it?” Cassidy offered. Kate nodded and Cassidy went into the house for a moment. When she returned, Kate was watching as Sawyer picked Clementine up by her wrists and spun her around while Ophelia ran in circles around the two of them, barking.

“He's really good with her. Thank you, by the way. I never thought I would say that. That I would thank you for bringing him back into our lives, but I guess you never know how things will turn out.” Cassidy said as she set a tall glass of iced tea in front of Kate. Kate watched as condensation formed on the outside of the glass for a minute before looking back up at Cassidy.

“No, you don't. And you don't have to thank me. I heard you gave him a pretty hard time of it.” She teased.

“Wouldn't you?” Cassidy raised an eyebrow. Kate only nodded.

“What happened after you left here last time? All I know is that one day Sawyer showed up on my front porch and Clementine mentioned Aaron's mother. You have some explaining to do.”

She did, but this was something she could do, relating facts was easy. Cassidy was always a safe option. Strange, really, she was one of the only people she could talk to. Kind of like Sawyer back on that island, the only person who could really understand what it was like. The world was funny like that, the way they were all so connected. Sometimes Kate couldn't discount that theory of fate. What else explained Cassidy's presence in her life, or her connection to Sawyer for that matter? That Cassidy would be there when Kate needed her the most, to get over the man that had betrayed both of them in some way. She could not believe that these two people would ever not be in her life. That it was an entirely random situation she should bump into both of them at various points throughout her life.

No, sometimes the coincidences were too large to disregard entirely. Some things, Kate had to believe, were just meant to be. Whether Cassidy and Sawyer wanted to admit it or not. Though it was easy enough to forget that when faced with the reality that others—ones that perhaps she really wanted—were obviously not.

She supposed Cassidy still had a point though, it was her choice to find Sawyer's daughter that brought Cassidy back into her life. It was also Sawyer's choice to meet his daughter that brought him back into her life. But it just seemed so unbelievably random at times. To think that if she hadn't taken Aaron out for ice cream she wouldn't be sitting across from Cassidy explaining the last two years.

Part of her had to believe that even if she hadn't taken Aaron out that day, eventually they would have bumped into each other somewhere. They only lived five minutes away from each other. The fact that they hadn't bumped into each other before the ice cream shop was more surprising. Or maybe they had, maybe they had both been in the same grocery store, the same coffee shop, sitting next to each other at the same red light, and never known it. Life was like that too.

Kate took a sip of her drink and studied Cassidy, who also sipped casually from her drink, one eyebrow raised, waiting for an explanation. Setting her drink back down on the coaster which sat on the coffee table in front of her, she began.

“I went back to the island, obviously. Not long after I left here actually. I realized you were right. Not about everything, but about Aaron, about him not being mine. So I decided to go back and find Claire.” Kate hesitated for a minute, the past washing over her in a way she hadn't let it do in years.

“I don't know what I expected to find, and I still don't know half of why things turned out the way they did. Or why I felt the way I did. I just don't know, and to be honest I've tried to forget the whole thing. It was messy and ugly, and it hurt.”

“It still hurts.” Cassidy put in, Kate's internal struggle manifesting itself in every line of her face.

Kate nodded in agreement, though it didn't hurt as much as it did in those early days. Most days were relatively pain free; she could remember the good times instead of the ugly. It was just times like this, when she had to drag the whole sordid mess up again, that the wounds seemed fresh. Open to the world once more.

“I slept with Jack.” It surprised her, that the first thing out of her mouth was a confession about sleeping with Jack. Cassidy too, seemed a little surprised. The widening of her eyes, her only tell.

“I thought you were done with him.” She explained.

“I thought so, too. But I gave Aaron to his grandmother, the night before we left to go back. I told her everything, about Claire being on the island and how I was going to back to find her. Then when I left... I just...” Kate's eyes misted over, the feelings still raw. Abandoning her baby boy, she wondered if it would ever feel like she wasn't. If she would ever feel like he wasn't hers. If a part of her would always belong to a little blue eyed boy that she could take with her.

“He was familiar. He was safe. You loved him and you needed him.” Cassidy offered in explanation.

Cassidy's words made too much sense. They didn't sit well with the uneasy feeling or the darkness that lurked just below her own skin. She grimaced and let the feeling wash over her.

“I hated him. I hated him for what he'd done. For who he became. I hated him for not being perfect. For wanting me to be perfect. And God, I hated him for never knowing how to take the pain away.” The words rushed out, uncontrolled and with all the passion of a heartfelt confession. Cassidy sat and watched as Kate's hands tugged and pulled at the hem of her shirt. She wondered if it was the first time Kate had voiced those thoughts, didn't really doubt it.

“But I slept with him,” Kate continued. “...and I told him never to ask about Aaron. I wanted to feel better, loved. I wanted to be needed. But I didn't want to be with a man who was no better than Wayne. I didn't want to be my mother. I kept hoping he'd change, that he would be the man I first met on that island. Eventually, after everything that happened on the island... I guess he did. Then he told me to leave him.” Kate stopped talking, her hands in tight little fists, her eyes suspiciously wet. Her arms were suddenly too empty, her heart too low.

“And?” Cassidy questioned and noticed that Kate's eyes had wandered out to where Sawyer and her daughter were playing with the dog, as if searching him out in her moment of weakness, seeking something only he could give her. Sawyer felt their eyes on him and he lifted his head, sent a surprisingly sweet smile in Kate's direction and she answered back with one of her own.

It seemed to Cassidy, as if the light that had threatened to go out in Kate's eyes, once more burned brightly. She knew that look too, that feeling of being recharged by someone. As if they willed part of their soul to you just when you needed it. Borrowing the light so willingly offered by another, because they knew instinctively that it was just what you needed. She had known that at one time or another, both Kate and Sawyer had been in love with the other, maybe never at the same time, but it had been there. She had just never gotten to witness the two of them together, or see that connection in action.

Now that she had... There was no denying the electric charge in the air, or the possibilities between them. Any doubts she had about whether or not they could have a real and lasting relationship were blown away. It was something she had always suspected, but now it was confirmed. If any two people were meant to be together... it was those two.

“And I left him. I told him I loved him and I left him on the island to die. Alone.” Kate spit out. Not for the first time wondering if she had made the right choice. If she wasn't, in fact, an awful person for leaving him. He would have stayed with her, wouldn't he? He told her to go though, he wanted to her to live. She just didn't know, if that was just a nice comforting thought she used to dull the guilt, or if she really did the right thing.

“You told him you loved him?” Cassidy questioned, that eyebrow raised again. Why did she have to make a big deal out of it? Kate was suddenly very glad she had left the, 'in front of Sawyer,' part off. Cassidy would have given her an earful for sure if she hadn't.

“It wasn't like we never said it.” Kate tried to blow it off as meaningless. But part of her had to wonder, if it was so meaningless, why couldn't she say it when it really mattered? Sure, it mattered then, but there were no lasting consequences of saying it. She knew that was the end of the line for them. It was easy to quote it back to him after sex. Easy to throw it out when he headed off to work.  
With Jack, with Kevin, with Tom... it was so easy to spit those three words out.

But when Sawyer had needed to hear them, five years ago, they refused to cross her lips.

Maybe it was because a part of her, never believed them. Or maybe more accurately, didn't think they mattered. They were just words after all. Words couldn't really stop bad things from happening. And though they might delay the end, that's all they ever could do.

“It's just that every time I say it, I feel like it's never enough. Like I'm holding my breath and hoping it will last, knowing it won't. Maybe it's just because it never has. But I am beginning to think those three words are the kiss of death.” Kate finally admitted.

It was something Cassidy had always questioned about her. Once she got Kate talking, it was easy to get more than she expected. She sometimes wondered back then, if she was the woman's only real friend, because Kate was so willing to share. But there were certain things that Kate had always kept to herself. Especially, when it came to the topic of love.

There were a few things she did know though. Kate left part of her heart with Sawyer on the island all those years ago. She could never tell him she loved him. And that she always regretted her inability to open up to him. It was part of the reason she had been in such limbo with both men, and Cassidy suspected it was most of the reason she could never let Sawyer's ghost go. Especially knowing now that Kate always equated those words with goodbye.

“They don't have to be.” Cassidy said softly and the corner of Kate's lip turned up ever so slightly.

“I know that. But I have yet to see it in my life. I don't think I'll ever tell another man that I love him. I wouldn't want to curse us.” Kate sighed and picked up her glass again. Taking another sip, she watched as Cassidy puzzled over something.

She could go into a lecture on how some men needed to hear those words, but she figured that Kate wasn't at risk of needing them anytime soon, and she certainly was in no mood to accept that reality.

“Why did you leave him? Why didn't you stay with him?” She asked instead, curious to know why, if she claimed to love Jack so much, she would leave him.

“Because it wasn't enough. I loved him, but I was never right for him. He was dying, and I wasn't. What we had here... it was never going to be enough to last. I knew that, and he knew that. It was why he asked me to go. To leave that island. Plus I had Claire to consider, Aaron needed his mother. So I kissed him goodbye and he left to go do his hero thing. Even death wasn't going to stop him from fixing things.” Kate set her glass down again and shrugged.

“I'm sorry.” Cassidy offered.

It was one of Kate's largest complaints when they lived together, how Jack always had to fix things. She couldn't count the number of phone calls she had gotten from Kate about how Jack couldn't just leave well enough alone. The frustrated tears on the other end of the line, talking about how he had lashed out again because things weren't just so, or the anger in her voice when she went on about how he was always dropping little suggestions of how to make something better.

“Don't be.” Kate brushed it off, and Cassidy left it alone.

“So... you went to the island and found Claire and brought her home and now she has her boy back and you're alone?” She questioned, trying to move on with the story. Cassidy knew how much Kate loved that little boy, and she knew that Kate had suffered for it. What she didn't know, was how Kate was dealing with it now. She hoped that by leading Kate in that direction, she would soon find out.

“Well, it wasn't that easy, but yeah I guess so.” Kate hesitated again, that emptiness threatening. Cassidy watched in silence as Kate took a deep breath and forged on bravely. “I still visit them all the time, she only lives a few blocks away, and I lived with them for awhile after we moved back. The island does... well Claire needed help trying to acclimate herself after we got back. But when it became clear that she didn't need me around anymore, I sold her my house and moved into a smaller place. There were too many memories, you know?”

There was more to that story, Cassidy was certain of it. But unlike when they talked about Jack, Kate seemed okay with it. It obviously still took her breath away at times. But it was clear she was dealing with it in her own way. Cassidy admired her strength, she didn't know what she would do if anyone ever took her daughter from her.

“I see.” Cassidy moved on deciding it was best to let that subject lie. “And what about him?” She gestured to Sawyer. “How does he fit into all of it? You didn't just go back to the island and pick up Claire, or lose Jack.”

It was the topic she had been dying to ask about ever since Sawyer first appeared on her doorstep almost two years ago. She didn't dare ask Sawyer about it. There had been something almost fragile about him back then, and as time wore on she found out about his loss and out of respect for the man he had become, she never mentioned it. He never mentioned it either. Just that he had gotten off the island and wanted to leave it behind him.

Kate on the other hand, would be able to tell her everything. Well, that was what she hoped anyway.

“He... I don't even know where to start.” He had to be the most confusing topic of all. So much had happened between them, but at the same time, nothing had happened between them. Just more drama, that, in the end, meant relatively little.

“Has he told you about _her_ , Juliet I mean?” Kate asked after a moment of reflection.

“Not much. I just knew that he met someone, someone he was going to marry, and that she died.” Cassidy offered as she sipped at her iced tea.

“I didn't know what to expect from him.” Kate sighed heavily. “It was part of why I was so nervous to go back. Like you said before...”

“What did she say before?” Sawyer interrupted as he came up to the porch. Kate wondered how long he had been listening and thought back over what had been said, trying to decide if she should be embarrassed, change her phone number and disappear, or act as if nothing was being said.

She decided that it depended entirely on how long he had been listening, and that she would play dumb until she found out.

“Go play with your daughter, Kate and I are talking. You can have her back when I'm done with her.” Cassidy tried to shoo him away as Clementine and the dog approached the gathering. Clem plopped down in the chair across from her mother, a pout on her face. The dog nuzzled her leg and she smiled and leaned over to pet it. Cassidy tried not to watch as the dog's drool dripped down onto her new chair.

“But we're hungry, Mom.” Clem whined.

“Yeah, Mom. We're hungry.” Sawyer imitated his daughter and Cassidy swatted at him. He jumped back out of her reach, and then planted himself on the couch next to Kate. “Whatcha drinking?” He stole her glass off the coffee table and took a sip, his brow furrowed in concern as he watched her over the top of the glass. “Well, hey there Freckles, I think she spiked your drink.” He turned to face Cassidy. “You think liquoring her up is gonna get you better intel?”

Kate laughed, her entire body shaking. After a moment she gathered her wits and turned to face him.

“Unlike you, Cass doesn't have to get me drunk to get information from me. _I never_ needed to hide behind alcohol with her.” She told him seriously then took her drink back from him.

He had been worried, his gaze couldn't help but wander to the two of them from time to time. (Well, maybe more than time to time, Clem had actually slugged him in the gut and told him to pay attention to her once.) And though her back was to him for most of the conversation, he could see Cassidy's profile and the concern written in her features, and he had caught Kate's eye a few times as well. Her face had been no picnic either.

What was it about girl talk that got Kate so down, he wondered. First Claire and then Cassidy. He was beginning to wonder if Kate was keeping some huge secret from him. She never got like that when they were talking and they talked for hours. Weren't girls supposed to giggle and gossip? Kate acted more like she was at a funeral than having fun.

Regardless, it was clear that she was okay now, if her laughter and smart ass comment had anything to say about it. He appreciated her little private joke as well.

“Touché.” Sawyer fired back and Kate grinned at him over the top of her glass. It was sweet how he got all protective. Even if he was being an idiot.

Cassidy simply rolled her eyes and wondered how two people could be so incredibly dense.

“How about, we go make these guys some lunch and we can talk in private while they play out here with that monstrosity of an animal?” She interrupted the 'couple' on the aptly named love-seat, who were too busy making eyes at each other to notice anyone else around them.

“Sounds good to me.” Kate stood breaking eye contact, and Sawyer grabbed the drink in her hand, causing her to stand hunched over, the glass between them both. His hand was warm around hers, the chilled liquid cool against her palm. The contrast sent a chill down her spine and she almost shuddered visibly.

“You should leave that with me, Sweetheart.” He smiled charmingly, his voice thick and heavy, like molasses or honey in the warm summer sun.

“You're driving later. I don't think so.” Kate answered back sweetly, her eyes flashing with mirth as if she had some secret to share with only him.

“Ah, Hell Sweetheart, there ain't enough of anything in that drink to get me near drunk enough not to drive. A man needs some fortification with you two around.” He paused and cast a suspicious glance in Cassidy's direction. “Who knows just what dirty secrets you're sharing?”

Was Kate the kind of girl who talked about her partners? He knew Cassidy was. How come he hadn't thought about that before he brought the two of them back together?

He smirked to himself. Not that either one of them had anything to complain about.

He released his grip on Kate's hand and she slowly stood.

“That's so sweet, he thinks he ranks high enough for us to be sharing secrets about him. He's adorable, Kate.” Cassidy played back in a sickeningly sweet voice. “Stop hassling her and get out of here.” Her tone shifted to dead serious as she pointed to the front yard and grabbed Kate's arm giving her a slight tug toward the house. Her body language making it clear that it was her turn with his friend and that she didn't appreciate the competition.

“You're no fun.” He pouted, then turned to his daughter. “Come on Clem. You got a frisbee somewhere? Godzilla here is pretty good at catching them.”

 

“Ok, so when you got back to the island...” Cassidy asked a few minutes later when they had made their way into her larger than average kitchen. Kate wondered if Cassidy ever actually utilized it to even a tenth of its potential. She doubted it, Cass wasn't really the type to cook or bake. The stove, fridge, and various other appliances and counter-tops lined three of the walls, broken in the back by a sliding glass door leading out into the back yard. The sink sat in an island in the middle of the kitchen. Dark marble counter-tops gleamed against dark wooden cabinets, the walls a soothing shade of green. A small table with four chairs in one corner, a built in desk in another.

“I guess part of me hoped he would wait.” Kate answered honestly a moment later, as she pulled herself up to sit on a counter. It was probably highly selfish of her to hope that he had put his life on hold, when she had done nothing of the sort. She had tried to justify it with thoughts of rescue, of him maybe having the hope to see her again, while she didn't even really entertain that as a possibility.

No, instead her life after their first rescue had been about caring for Aaron and putting her life back together. She had sworn never to go back, or look back. The only road she allowed in her life back then was a one way, and she had already passed him. The notion that none of it mattered when there was no possible future ringing through her head. Yet she still entertained the foolish idea, that he would not do the same. Some silly romantic fantasy where he would wait until she returned, so they could work things out.

And then somehow she was dating Jack, engaged to Jack, and Sawyer had fled the screen entirely. Like a badly done movie, falling in love over a cheese filled musical montage, moments so insignificant no words are used. Jack made her forget.

Until she ended up back on the island and then the silly little notion reared its ugly head again, only to be crushed under his feet. Well, his and hers, because Sawyer now came in a cute, happy, little matching set. Juliet's name monogrammed on his heart instead, when hers had been ripped out by reality.

So when she stumbled back into his arms, part of her had hoped he would put the pieces back together like he always did. With a stupid remark, or a kind gesture she knew he wouldn't do for anyone else. Just that name, Freckles, rushing across his lips would have done the trick.

Even if she knew, she had no right to want those things.

“It's really silly, but I needed to know why he jumped out of that helicopter. Not that it mattered, you know? I was in love with Jack. Even if I'd broken it off with him. Told him that, unless he straightened himself out, we had no future. But part of me still hoped... I don't know what it hoped. I just know that Juliet was a surprise.”

Kate watched as Cassidy pulled some bread from the cupboard. Cheese from the fridge. Tomato soup from the pantry.

Cassidy knew enough to keep quiet and just listen. One wrong word from her and Kate would clam up on the subject for the rest of the visit. Possibly for the rest of their friendship, if the past was any indicator. This was something Kate needed to produce herself, it was not a confession that she could be led through in simple steps. There was no directing for this kind of conversation, so she stood back and gathered the ingredients for lunch. Put a pot on the stove and handed Kate a can opener and the soup.

“She actually told me in, not so many words to stay away from him.” Kate started again as she hopped down from the counter and set to opening the cans in front of her, her tone indicating disbelief. “Which was funny, I had no intention of going after him, I never have had any intentions of doing that. What happened back then before I left the island, it was a fluke.” She paused and shook her head, as if emptying it of the notion. “He had found something that made him happy, and I was happy for him. But God, the minute he hugged me, I felt... better. I didn't want to lose that again, but I was more than willing to do so if it meant that he could find happiness.” She turned to Cassidy, almost pleading. Cassidy nodded as she assembled a few cheese sandwiches and then pulled a frying pan down from a hanging rack over the island in the center of the kitchen and set it on the stove.

“Jack and I didn't work, but that didn't mean that Sawyer and Juliet couldn't.” Kate explained as she dumped the contents of the can into the pot Cassidy had set on the stove for her.

“But they didn't work either.” Cassidy put in cautiously, testing the waters, as she set two sandwiches on the frying pan and adjusted the heat.

“Only because she died. Which was partly my fault. They were going to leave the island together, but I stopped them. I convinced them to go back with me and do what Jack wanted us to do. I thought it was the only way to find Claire and give Aaron his mother back. No matter how much I wanted to leave them alone and let them find happiness, I couldn't let it get in the way of Aaron's wellbeing, you know? Even if it meant that I would never know him, or that I would end up behind bars. Even Jack wasn't too upset by that idea.” Kate shrugged, adding a few extra spices to the soup to improve its flavor. Cooking was something she had learned how to do when she was with Jack, back when she was too busy pretending to be the perfect mother/girlfriend to notice her world crumbling around the edges.

Cassidy noticed her careless disregard of the subject and didn't buy it.

“That had to hurt.” Cassidy commented softly.

Yeah, it had. A lot. The man you love suddenly not caring if you ended up in a cage if it meant he never knew you. Kate found it best not to dwell on that load of heartbreak. To be fair, she could understand his feelings, had felt something similar herself from time to time.

How much easier would their lives have been, if they had never met? How much heartache would it have saved them both? He might have escaped with his life. Though she doubted it. That was something she couldn't ever change about him.

“Yeah, it did.” She admitted as Cassidy produced a spoon from a drawer to her right and handed it to her. “But it was for the greater good. I understood that. I think by that time, he felt he had messed things up for good between us, anyway, and just wanted it to stop hurting. So I couldn't really blame him.”

Cassidy paused and watched as Kate stirred the soup, tapped the spoon lightly against the edge of the pot and set it on the spoon rest on the back of the stove. Stepping back she rested her hands against the counter behind her, leaning ever so slightly into it.

“But still...” Cassidy prodded.

“Well, I didn't have long to think about it.” Kate explained. In all honesty she hadn't, most of her feelings and thoughts came after. On that long plane ride back to civilization, or on nights around a hostile campfire, because like everything on that island, time was in a limited supply. There was never enough of it to second guess herself, not if she didn't want to end up dead. Emotions may have run high, but they also ran fast, and sometimes bypassed her entirely until after the fact.

“Everything exploded in our faces and Juliet ended up dead.” She shook her head and closed her eyes briefly before continuing, as if trying to forget some horrible memory. Cassidy had no doubt that it was just that, horrible. She knew enough about that island to know its darker side, like a vacation in hell. She had no desire to hear any of the certainly gory details.

“Sawyer was a mess. He left the group and I followed him, which is when he told me he was planning on marrying her, and that he must have been meant to be alone. He told me to leave.” She sighed and stepped back up to the stove to check the soup as Cassidy flipped the sandwiches.

“Did you?” She asked. Kate smiled sadly.

“I did. I wanted his help in finding Claire but his words... They upset me more than I had imagined they could. Even Jack's confession that he would rather not have me in his life at all didn't hurt as much as Sawyer's dismissal. Or maybe it hurt more because of Jack's confession, I don't know. I just knew that I couldn't stay if he didn't want me around. Not after everything, but I had to make sure he was ok if nothing else.”

Not for the first time, Cassidy wondered just what made Kate tick. If she was really that clueless, or possibly just very good at denial. In all the years she had seen Kate with Jack, she had never seen Kate like she saw her now.

Settled. At peace. Happy. Call it whatever, there was no denying that even though she carried her grief over what happened, she was still better off.

“You still cared for him. Maybe part of you hoped he would take you back.” She offered softly as she slid the cooked sandwiches onto a plate to make room for the rest in the pan.

“I don't know.” Kate paused as if thinking it over. “I think I just wanted to stop hurting. Sawyer, unlike Jack, was always so good at that. Of course I had forgotten he was also just as good at causing the pain as Jack was. I think I wanted to pretend we were like we were back then. When I knew I could count on him.” She said as she stirred the soup, her shoulder resting next to Cassidy's, her eyes on the pot.

They stood in silence for a moment.

“So, if you left him? How did he end up leaving the island with you and Claire?”

Kate smiled at the memories. There was something untainted about that time together. Hell was their next door neighbor, but when she sat with him around a madman's fire, never quite sure if Claire had really forgiven her, or if they would get out alive, things were okay. Most of the time they didn't talk, just sat next to each other keeping back the demons. Knowing he would die before he let anything hurt her, knowing she would do the same for him.

No talk of kisses or cons. No running back to Jack. Only the determination to get the hell off that island and never look back. United, finally, in their goals. A break in the storm.

“We ran into each other again, and then it was like old times. He did have my back. He told me he would get us off that island, and in the end I guess he did. For awhile, I think we held each other up. At least part of me hopes that I was more of a comfort for him than a burden. Like he was for me.”

There really were no words for where they had been back then. It was a strange interlude, not altogether unlike what they had now, but still different. Like the world they were living in was unreal. Suspended in time between the past and the future, hanging there waiting for something to break loose. It was the most bizarre week of her life, without a doubt. And he had shared it with her. They had stared death in the eye, and pushed him back daily. Waiting for something to happen.

It changed her, and him as well. It changed them.

“Then you came back and drifted apart again?”

Kate chuckled dryly. If only.

She wondered how different her life would have been had he stayed in it, but dismissed it realizing that had he stayed in it, they would be different people and he probably wouldn't still be in it anyway.

“There was no drifting, it was more like a fork in the road where we both went different directions. Neither one of us looked back. I had to take care of Claire and Aaron and he... well he just wanted to be left alone. I knew from that moment he told me to get lost, that he wouldn't be staying in my life. I think I knew from the moment I found out about Juliet, but didn't want to believe it.” She explained. “Some times you don't know how much you miss someone until they are standing right in front of you again.”

Three years. She had gone three years without missing him much at all, after the first few months or so. Then he had been back in her life for no more than two weeks, and gone again. She realized two years ago when he had pulled her to him for that hug, just how long three years could be, but it wasn't until he showed up in her life again that she realized just how much it meant.

Now she couldn't imagine going without him again.

“Who are you, and what have you done with Kate?” Cass asked, her hands on her hips as she turned to face Kate.

“What do you mean?” Kate's confusion written in her furrowed brow.

“I mean, you've grown up.” Cassidy explained. Part of her was beyond proud of the changes Kate had made in her life. But the more cautious side warned that perhaps it might be too soon for celebration.

“Not really. I still ran from you.” Kate pointed out, she shrugged out of her sweater and set it on the counter.

“Yeah, why did you stay away anyway?” Cassidy asked, returning to the sandwiches on the stove.

“I don't know. For a lot of reasons, I guess. Mostly because I was afraid of what you'd say. You have to admit, that last conversation we had wasn't exactly easy to swallow. But not only that, I didn't want to know if Sawyer had contacted you about Clementine. Part of me wanted to hope that he had, and that every once in awhile maybe he asked after me. I didn't want it confirmed or worse, denied. I didn't want to know that he was so easy to contact, or not easy at all. The uncertainty was better.”

She could deny it all she wanted, but she was still so caught up in him that she didn't know up from down, Cassidy noted.

“Why did it matter though?” She prodded, interested to hear Kate's take on her confusion. It should prove entertaining if nothing else. One day, when Kate and Sawyer both figured out what everyone else around them already knew, she was going to look back on this day and remind Kate of it.

She also really wondered what Claire's take on it was. It would be interesting to have the input of someone who actually witnessed their hurried affair on the island. Maybe she could talk Kate or Sawyer into giving her the woman's number. A phone call might be in order, besides it was only right that she be introduced to the mother of the child her child played with, she legitimized.

“Because I couldn't stand the thought of him telling me to get lost again and I couldn't take the risk of me screwing up his life even more. I know, that logically it's not my fault any of it happened. But I still feel guilty about it. I probably always will. The best I can do, is move on despite those feelings. Sawyer says he doesn't blame me, and that I shouldn't blame myself, that makes it easier to move on. And where we are now. It's a good place and I'm happy. It has been a really long time since I've been able to say that.” Kate confessed.

Cassidy smiled. Well, she would have to give the girl more credit than she thought.

“It's about damn time. For awhile there I thought you were determined to spend the rest of your life moping.” Cassidy threw out and Kate laughed.

“What can I say, Sawyer has this uncanny ability to make anyone smile. I think it's those damn dimples.” Kate said, flustered. One day she would figure out just what it was that made her smile, she was determined to.

Cassidy laughed and nodded in agreement. Kate had a point, it was difficult to stay mad at him when he didn't want you to be.

“Brutal aren't they? He knows it, too. Which just makes it worse. I swear I can't count the number of times I've wanted to kill him and then he somehow manages to charm his way out of trouble.”

Kate nodded emphatically.

“I know what you mean. The other day I showered at his place, and he was supposed to go get some clothes from my car. So I waited and waited for him to come in, and finally I stuck my head out the door and he was chatting it up with the neighbor. She was flirting like mad with him, but he didn't want any of it... so he swings the door open and pretends we're dating. Carries on this whole conversation with his neighbor, his arm around me, trapping me there while I'm in nothing but a goddamn towel!” She finished in a rush. The tail end spoken without taking a breath.

“And he got away with it, didn't he.” It wasn't a question, Cassidy already knew the answer.

“Yup, pretty much.” Kate confirmed, nodding. It really wasn't fair.

“Bastard.”

“Amen to that.”

 

***

“Is that your dog?” A scrawny looking girl asked as she pointed over the fence dividing Cassidy's yard from her neighbors. Sawyer didn't think she could stick her nose any higher in the air without walking into things. She was dressed in an outfit much too old for her age, her shirt strapless and tight, her skirt also on the too short side. A tennis bracelet, made of what he hoped was rhinestones, graced her wrist and her blond hair was pulled back and up in some fancy twist. She looked like a miniature hooker, he decided.

“Her name's Ophelia, isn't she great?” Clem beamed and skipped over to the fence with Ophelia trailing behind. “And this is my dad.” Clem pointed and then waved at him to join her at the fence. Reluctantly he obeyed.

“Dad, this is Mandy.” Clementine introduced him to gangly girl. Mandy pretended to brush some lint from her shirt, practicing her bored look. He noticed her perfectly manicured nails and wondered just who the hell was raising the little girl/woman.

“She's really ugly.” Mandy noted. “Not nearly as cute as Bella.” As if on cue a kitten snaked between her feet. “See.” Mandy boasted and picked up the animal. “And she's soft too. Feel.” She shoved the cat across the fence into Clementine's face. It squirmed, its back legs desperately trying to find something to cling to, or a way to climb out of the nasty little girls clutches, Sawyer thought. He certainly didn't blame the animal. It smelled like maybe she had gotten into her mother's perfume as well, and took a bath in it.

“Ophelia is really smart. She knows how to sit, and how to roll over, she even knows how to play dead. Wanna see?” Clem defended her dog. Ophelia for the most part, sat by watching the exchange, her head cocked to one side as if trying to puzzle out the little girl with the now crying kitten, near hysterical for escape. Sawyer stood to the side, arms crossed, watching the entire exchange. He was going to have to step in soon if things didn't diffuse naturally. He could tell by the condescending attitude the little bitch from next door was throwing off in spades.

He was going to have to talk to Cassidy about how harmful a girl like Mandy could be to his little princess. He didn't want Clem thinking it was okay to dress or act like her easy neighbor. The last thing they needed was for Clem to start hanging out with a girl destined for teenage pregnancy.

“Why would I want to see that? Who cares if your dumb stinky dog can pretend to be dead? And why is it so big? Is there something wrong with it?” Mandy asked, her face scrunched up, which he thought was, surprisingly, a better look for her. Her cat only made more noise. He wondered if maybe she was squeezing the life out of the dumb thing.

“She is not dumb. Or stinky. And there is nothing wrong with her! Take it back!” Clem yelled as she stomped one foot.

Son of a bitch. Yup, explosion time.

Sawyer stepped up to the fence intending on coming between the two of them and stopping the argument from getting out of hand. And maybe freeing the screaming cat in the process. He didn't make it in time however.

It happened in less than a second. Bella tired of being tormented, finally worked one of her back legs up enough to give Mandy a nasty gash on one of the wrists that held the cat captive. She sprang through the air and landed in the yard across the fence, right next to Ophelia.

Ophelia, more than curious about the flying ball of fur, sniffed at the kitten, who in turn felt threatened by the huge dog standing next to her. Claws came out and swiped the dog in the nose, a chase ensued.

Which meant he had to stop the dumb thing from getting away. He really didn't like the neighbor girl now.

“No, stop her! That mean dog is going to eat my kitty!” Mandy wailed, tears streaming down her face as Sawyer chased the dog around the yard.

“Get her, Ophelia!” Clem cried out in triumph. “Eat her!”

He wanted to laugh at his daughter's enthusiasm and couldn't say he would miss the screaming cat all that much. But Cass would kill him for encouraging that kind of behavior.

“Clementine!” Sawyer scolded instead. Bella darted under the love-seat on the patio and hid, Ophelia barked and tried to squeeze under the piece of furniture to no avail.

“I'm gonna tell my mommy and she's gonna make the police come and they are gonna take your dog away!” Mandy all but screamed as she stomped around the fence and into their yard.

“Daddy!” Clem's eyes welled up and threatened to spill over, desperately seeking comfort. No one made his baby girl cry.

“No, one is going to do anything.” Sawyer said as he reached under the love-seat and picked up the cornered cat. “Sit, Ophelia. Stay.” He ordered and Ophelia obeyed, then he turned back to the crying girls. “Except apologize to each other.” He commanded as he returned the cat to Mandy, who instantly hugged it to her chest and made it start crying for release again.

Neither girl made any move to apologize. On the contrary, both girls seemed eager to injure each other with their glares. Why was it, that the dog obeyed better than his daughter?

“Clementine.” He warned.

“But Daddy it isn't fair! She started it!” Clem pouted. He wanted to agree with her, and if she hadn't encouraged the issue, he would have marched the little neighbor brat right up to her front door and delivered her with a few words about spoiled nasty children to her parents. But Cassidy would have his skin, and Kate would have helped her.

Still, a secret part of him was always going to be proud of his little girl.

“Sometimes we have to be nice, even when other people are not. Besides that, Ophelia could have choked on that cat.”

Mandy's jaw dropped in surprise. He supposed she hadn't been expecting that. He smirked as she stormed away, and Clem giggled.

“Sorry Mandy!” She yelled after the upset girl.

“Who thinks we should go spy on your mom and Auntie Kate?” He suggested as he gathered Clem into a hug and wiped at a stray tear or two.

“Oooh. I do!” Clem pushed him away and took off toward the house.

If only adults bounced back as quickly as kids, he mused.

“Come on, Ophelia, let's go piss off Cassidy by bringing you in the house.” He called to the dog as he headed after his daughter.

 

***

“So what's the deal with you two anyway?” Cassidy asked as she placed the last two sandwiches on the plate of finished sandwiches.

“Well, what has he told you?” Kate asked as she pulled herself back up on the counter and picked up her iced tea again, her bare feet swinging lightly.

“Just that you bumped into each other at an ice cream parlor and have been spending some time together.”

In truth, she and Sawyer didn't really talk all that much, just the necessary stuff dealing with Clementine. They were not like she was with Sawyer. Sure occasionally she would get a heart to heart with him, but that was an exception to the rule.

And Kate was definitely a topic he didn't feel like sharing with her.

“Well, really that's kind of all there is to tell. I mean, we're friends.” Kate tried to explain and Cassidy shot her that look of disbelief. “I know that look and I swear to you that's all there is.” Kate denied any implication.

Cassidy believed her. Kate still had no clue she was head over her heels for the guy. She wondered idly if that is what she looked like when Sawyer was conning her. Clueless to everything else around her.

Well, at least Kate wouldn't have to worry about waking up to her feelings for him as he runs out the door with her savings.

“Can I ask why?” She prodded.

“The only thing we've ever been really good at is messing things up. Things are different now, the pressure is gone. When he's not trying to get me naked, it's easier to talk to him. When I'm not hating myself for being attracted to him, I can actually spend time with him. I like us like this.” She explained simply.

“It's safe.” Cassidy countered, her voice carrying an unnecessary warning.

“Is that a bad thing? He loved her, Cass, I never saw him like that before. I don't want to be his second choice any more than he wants to be mine. This way we don't have to worry about any of that. We can just be ourselves. Romance is overrated.” Kate shrugged and set her glass down beside her.

“Well coming from you, I'm surprised to hear that.” Cassidy admitted as she pulled some bowls from the cupboard next to Kate's head.

“Why?” Kate questioned.

“Because for a while there you were collecting men like shoes and now you don't seem to have any.” Cassidy teased.

“I was not!” Kate objected loudly and Cass smirked.

“Oh Honey, you have a nice long list of ex's.” She said, her voice full of laughter.

“So? A lot of women do.” Kate defended herself, her face a testament of righteous indignation.

“Yeah, but a lot of women don't abandon them, drug them, shoot them, have them jump from moving vehicles to get away...” Cassidy listed as she bussed around the kitchen pulling out silverware from one drawer, cups from another cupboard.

Kate supposed she had a point, even if it made her sound like a black widow.

“You make me sound awful.”

“I'm just teasing. Though I do have to question your sanity.” Cassidy taunted as she set some placemats on the island in the center of the room with the rest of the dishes and cutlery.

“Why?”

“Have you looked at him? I mean really looked at him. If Phil and I hadn't hooked up and he was still interested...” She smirked. Kate rolled her eyes.

“Liar. You'd kill him before you got back with him.” Kate said, her head moving slightly side to side as she spoke, emphasizing her words.

“Ok, true. But that doesn't mean _you_ have to ignore him.” She placed her hands on the counter-top behind her and leaned back into it, facing Kate.

“I'm not. We hang out all the time.” Kate justified.

“That isn't what I meant and you know it.”

Kate only shrugged.

“So tell me, then, is the fire gone? All that pent up frustration, five years worth I'd imagine, is that all just gone? Do you never look at him and wonder, what if?”

God help her, wouldn't it be ten times easier if that was the answer. No, she still was very much aware of just how long five years was. And she wondered what if all the time. It was quickly becoming a little ritual.

What if they had hooked up?

What if they hooked up now?

What if they still did the friends thing, but maybe threw in a few benefits on the side?

“Of course it's not all gone, and of course I wonder. But the question is not if the passion died, but if the passion is worth risking everything else for. With my track record, I have to say no. I've been without him in my life for the last five years, really, I can't imagine extending that into forever. Does that sound weird?” Kate asked.

It was important that if no one else understood, Cassidy at least pretended to. Maybe then she wouldn't question her own sanity on the matter.

“No, you love him.” Cassidy stated simply.

Kate wanted to scream out in denial. Why was everyone so bound and determined about it? Why did they all have to think she loved him?

“I don't...” She started to deny but Cassidy butted in.

“Don't even try and deny it. Maybe you're not in love with him anymore, but you do love him.”

Well, she supposed that could be true. He did mean an awful lot to her, and if that's how Cass saw it then maybe she was right. Maybe there was something there, something more than friendship. She could be okay with that. She loved chocolate and climbing trees too. She loved drinking and dancing, and she was particularly fond of his dog. So maybe it was okay to love him. Maybe that wasn't crossing the line.

Yeah, he could be like the brother she never had... but slept with? Uhm... maybe not.

Nope, it wasn't so simply defined, but if Cass wanted to call it love, then she would let her.

“I guess. I mean, he means a lot to me and other than Aaron, I've never felt so connected or wanted.” She finally blurted out.

Cassidy wondered if a good hit to the head would clear anything up. She doubted it even as she eyed the now cooling frying pan on the stove.

“You guess? I feel like I need to make you guys flashcards or something. Enroll you in a remedial relationship class. Does someone need to tell you to breath in and out too?” She asked in exasperation.

“It's undefinable, that is all I'm saying. It's better that way, I don't always have to second guess myself or him. It just is.” Kate tried to explain the unexplainable, yet again.

It was getting exhausting.

“So, when you were taking a shower at his place, was that _just_ because you found yourself _just_ having sex... then you _just_ happened to spend the night. You know... _just_ cause.” Cassidy taunted as she gave up trying to make Kate see what was staring her in the face.

Just like Sawyer, Kate was as stubborn as a stick in the mud... if that mud was cement and it was encased in thirty feet of it.

“No. Sawyer and I won't _just_ have sex.” Kate rolled her eyes.

Sawyer chose that moment to walk in, Clem and Ophelia in tow. Clem was once more too busy with the dog to notice much of what was going on.

“She's right Cass. It's never _just_ sex with us. The earth moves, go ahead and ask her.” He boasted as he came to rest next to Kate, his hip against the counter, flush with her knee. Kate placed her hand on his shoulder and gave him a playful shove but he didn't move. She handed him her glass and he finished off the drink.

“Oh my God, you need a bell.” Cass threw her hands up. “And watch your mouth around Clem.”

He turned his eyes up to Kate; that wounded puppy dog look he wore so well testing her resolve.

“Well, Freckles, you gonna defend me or what?” He asked.

“Don't have to, Cass has slept with you.” She smirked.

“Which means I know when she's lying about your skills between the sheets. Or you know, lack thereof.” Cass interjected realizing that Sawyer and Kate were going to say what they wanted regardless of whether or not Clem was in the room. Might as well get it all out while she was still amused with the smelly beast, which she was going to have to kill Sawyer for letting into her house anyway.

“Ouch.” He pretended to be offended.

“Can you feel your balls just shriveling up and retreating yet?” Cassidy asked seriously as she checked the soup on the stove then flicked the knob to off.

“Aw, poor guy.” Kate teased lightly, one hand on his shoulder, mocking his pain.

“You two are vicious. I don't know that I like it when you're together.” He put in.

Actually he loved it. Both women seemed to be thoroughly enjoying themselves, and if he was the butt of their jokes, so be it. It was worth it.

“Have Clem help you set the table. The food is almost done.” Cassidy smiled and handed Sawyer the stack of placemats and bowls. “And you.” She turned toward Kate. “Get off the counter. Seriously, it's like running around with a bunch of two year olds.”


	14. A New Question

 

_***_  
_And you know, I'm not holding my breath but you know how to find me._  
 _And you know there's a knot in my chest, only you can untie me._  
 _When you're ready for love, cause you know all along, I'm the one that you wanted, Baby._  
 _All your reasons are wrong. Now I know why you run, and I'm not leaving._  
 _Before I got that you're just lost, I used to think that I wasn't enough._  
 _When you're ready for love, cause you know all along, I'm the one that you want, Baby._

_It's never too late to put the past away.  
It's never too late to quit the masquerade._

When You're Ready _  
-Kate Earl_

_***_

Lunch was over quickly. Clem didn't want to sit still longer than she had to, and Cassidy seemed eager to kick Sawyer out of the kitchen again, so the food was eaten with little discussion.

“Thanks, the food was great.” Sawyer said as he finished his last spoonful of soup.

“Thank Julia Child over there.” Cass nodded her head at Kate and Kate rolled her eyes. “She made the soup, and it's pretty damn hard to screw up grilled cheese.”

“Daddy tried to make grilled cheese once.” Clem piped in, mischievous smile in place, as if she knew a really good secret.

“Well, how about we go give Ophelia her lunch.” Sawyer interrupted his daughter as he pushed back from the table and Kate and Cass both laughed. Ophelia picked her head up, from her spot on the floor by Clem's feet, at the mention of her name.

“Did your daddy ruin it?” Kate asked innocently enough, but Sawyer could see her intent and the evil she hid behind her sweet tone.

“Son of a bitch... Once. Ok.” Sawyer groaned as Clem nodded. Cassidy burst out in laughter and Kate joined her.

“The bread was stuck to the pan and the cheese got out all over the place. And there was lots of smoke and the smoke detector went off too!” Clem tattled in a rush, wide eyed and altogether thrilled at the idea of embarrassing him. She was learning the evil ways of her adult counterparts early it seemed.

“Traitor.” He muttered under his breath. Clem giggled as she climbed down from her seat and walked over to her father's. She grabbed his sleeve and tugged.

“Come on, Daddy. Ophelia's hungry.” Sawyer stood and patted his leg to get Ophelia's attention. She stood and followed the two of them as they left the kitchen.

“Yeah, just don't try and make her grilled cheese sandwiches. I like my house, and I'd prefer if you didn't burn it down.” Cassidy called after them, causing more laughter from her evil twin.

“Grow up!” Sawyer shouted back, his pride obviously wounded as their laughter died down.

Kate shook her head as she stood and started gathering dishes. Cassidy rolled her eyes and began to help Kate clean up.

“He's changed.” She said as she stepped up beside Kate next to the sink. Kate nodded as she turned on the water and started filling the sink with a soapy mixture. “When you told me he was different, I didn't believe it was possible. But you were right.”

Kate didn't answer for a moment, simply paused and watched as Cassidy took Clem's plate to the trash can and scraped the bread crust (It seemed she still refused to eat them.) into the trash.

No, she really hadn't been. Cassidy had been right, Sawyer had pretty much confirmed it when she approached him on the island after. He had told her they never would have worked, basically confessing what Cassidy had already claimed.

He jumped to get away from her.

And yeah, he was different now, but she had nothing to do with it.

“That was all Juliet's doing.” She said slowly as she began to scrub a plate with unnecessary force. She didn't know why that bugged her so much. But it really had. Knowing that all that time they were together hadn't been enough to get him to change, but then Juliet came around and he was shacking up and playing house with her.

It shouldn't still sting, she should be over it. She left him, Juliet probably loved him more than she had ever been able to do. They were happier together. Those were the facts, even if they were cold and hard and left her with no comfort.

Cassidy watched Kate attack the dish and wondered how Kate could get it so wrong. What had happened on that island to change her mind about things so much? True, she had never met Juliet, but she knew Sawyer. And she knew that Juliet was not the only woman on his mind, if she even still was on his mind at all. She had seen more emotion from him in relation to Kate, his friend, than she had ever seen in relation to Juliet, his one time love.

“No.” Cassidy objected. “He changed himself.” She stood facing Kate with her arms crossed. Kate pretended not to notice, but Cassidy had caught a flicker of something as it crossed her face. Something almost hopeful. “If he had changed for a woman, he would have reverted back as soon as that woman left his life.” She continued. “Maybe he was a different man than he is now when he was with Juliet. But, Kate, he is still a different man now than he ever was when he was with me.”

Cassidy's voice was forceful, as if tone alone could convince her. Kate wanted to believe it, but there was just so much... She sighed and let the dish slip from her fingers back into the sink. Watched it disappear under the bubbles, pulled down by the weight. Talking about it always made her feel like that dish. Too heavy.

“He held her while she died. It nearly destroyed him.” She whispered, images of that day, of Juliet bloody and broken... Of Sawyer destroyed... She shut her eyes tight, as if they could be blocked from her mind by the action. Took a deep breath and turned her head away. “Did you know, he has a framed newspaper clipping with her picture in it on the table by his bed?” She questioned then turned back to face Cassidy, met her eyes. “She isn't gone for him.”

“And you still have a framed picture of Jack by your bed.” Cassidy delivered right back, not missing a beat. “And how do you know what is on his bedside table, anyway?”

Kate smiled. She didn't have a picture of Jack by her bed, not anymore. When she had stumbled across Sawyer's clipping it made her think. It had been passed time to take it down, most of the time she didn't even remember it was there, just one of those things she looked at everyday without even acknowledging it.

So she had placed it carefully in a box in her closet with a handful of other things she had left from her time with Jack. The ring; she tried to give it back but he wouldn't take it. An old dress shirt; it had been at the cleaners with some of her clothes when he left and she had never gotten around to returning it. A handful of pictures; some candid shots with him and Aaron, a few of just them. The traditional trappings of a relationship gone bad. Those meaningless things worth holding onto. Things she didn't ever have with Sawyer.

“No. I don't, actually.” She confessed. “And I've been in his room a few times for things. It isn't a big deal.” She shrugged it off, it wasn't. Hunting for his keys, or retrieving his cell while he finished up something was no cause for excitement. His bedroom wasn't restricted, and neither was hers, though he never had reason to enter it. In fact, there wasn't much of anything that was restricted between the two of them.

Except that damn notebook he scribbled in all the time.

“Look, just because he still has her picture... It doesn't prove anything.” Cassidy interrupted her thoughts. “He is still different with you than he has ever been. I knew instantly that something good had happened to him that weekend he met up with you again. He's happier than he has been in a long time, Kate. Give yourself some credit.” She paused and Kate simply shrugged and moved on to the next dish, refusing to make eye contact.

What Cass said, made sense, but there was really no indication that it was her that was the difference. What if he had bumped into Hurley instead? It would be a difficult feat for certain, but still it could happen, and wouldn't he be just as happy to see his old friend?

Cassidy sighed and moved back to the table. Gathering the last of the dishes, she deposited them on the counter next to Kate and waited a moment before speaking again.

“What else happened on that island? Why are you so determined to think you had nothing to do with the change in him? You left here trying to convince me that he was a different man, and now it's like you don't believe he was.” Her tone was soft and gentle, like it was some big secret. Kate wished she would just drop it.

“He wasn't. You were right. He jumped to get away from me.” In all honesty, Kate didn't know what she believed on the matter. Some days it was easy to claim that he jumped to save them all. Others that he was scared of being with her. Today was one of those days. Neither way mattered much in the end, though. Just that he had jumped and they could never take that back.

Cassidy grabbed a dish towel and started drying the dishes that Kate had set in the drainer before she answered.

“I don't believe that anymore.”

It made her angry. So unbelievably angry. She was sick of talking about it. Sick of reliving it in her head for Cassidy's benefit. It was over and done, and it didn't matter what she said anyway.

Cassidy was never going to believe her.

Kate dropped the dish she had been washing in the sink and yelled back.

“He told me he did!”

She didn't want to feel this way about it. Ugly, as if something dark had taken over the happiness she found with him now. Hurt, as if he had taken her broken heart out and trampled on it. This was why she didn't dwell on their past. It tainted everything.

“What exactly did he say?” Cassidy asked, that honest inquisitive look on her face that always made Kate feel guilty. Cass was just trying to be helpful, like any friend would. She shouldn't have yelled, but she was just so tired of it. It was pointless.

“That we never would have worked out. That he wasn't anymore fit to be my boyfriend than to be Clem's dad.” The words rushed out as she returned to the dish in the sink, a new little twinge in her heart as she remembered that conversation. How high her hopes had been, how awful it felt to have him step on them. Even if she knew he would.

“Bullshit. You've seen what a great dad he is. How can you believe that?” Cassidy called her on it. There was no way that Kate could believe that, not after seeing him with Clem. And if he had been wrong about Clem, then it was possible he was also wrong about Kate.

“He also said he had done a lot of growing up in those three years I was gone. And he did. He was a different person.” Kate explained.

He was an excellent father now, but he was right back then. As hard as it may have been to hear, they needed that time apart. If she had stayed with him, if she had jumped after, then they would have torn each other apart. Learned to hate each other instead. She was grateful that if nothing else came from those three years apart, it was that now she could be his friend.

It still sat wrong with Cassidy.

“Still bullshit. He was with Juliet then, when you asked him?” She questioned, pausing dish in hand, as she turned to face Kate with her question.

“Yeah.”

“That explains it then.” She smiled and set the dry plate on the stack of clean plates on the counter next to her.

“What?” Kate asked as she watched Cassidy's lips turn up in a smile, wondering just what Cass had discovered.

“You gave him an answer to that question, didn't you? You suggested he was running away maybe? Maybe you brought up my theory as a way into the conversation?” Cass continued the interrogation, collecting evidence to prove her point.

“What does it matter? He told me he was, I don't really see how anything else matters.” Kate continued as she pulled the plug from the sink and watched the water go down. Cassidy grabbed her arm to catch her attention.

“Because he didn't tell you he was running away. He said you wouldn't have worked. That doesn't mean that when he jumped it was because he was scared to find out. That was three years after the fact, when he was with another woman, a woman he had planned on marrying. What did you expect him to say? Honey, he was never going to say anything different. Especially, if he was trying to make good with the future wife. It would only jeopardize what he had going with her.” Her voice was earnest and Kate thought maybe she could believe that.

He really wasn't going to risk what he had with Juliet, she didn't blame him or really want him to. Not for her and her selfish need for closure. And he couldn't have known they wouldn't have worked back then, could he? She thought that she had known that, but looking back she realized she hadn't exactly known it, just been too afraid to try it.

“I suppose. But it still doesn't prove anything.” Kate said sadly. Because it didn't. Not really. Cassidy hadn't been there, she hadn't seen everything. She didn't know everything. And even if he had jumped to save her because he loved her, when she went back he didn't love her. He loved Juliet, and that had really been the only thing that mattered.

Strange how the things people get caught up on can, in time, grow to mean very little or nothing at all.

Time destroyed everything eventually. The how and why, never mattered much in the end.

“No, you're right, it doesn't. But I have to wonder, if you asked him now, if you'd get a better answer. You told me yourself he had basically asked you to play house with him before you left the island. You ran from him first, before he ever had the opportunity to run from you. I think you were right, he didn't jump to get away from you, he jumped to save you.” Kate nodded and seemed to think about it for another minute before turning her eyes up at Cassidy.

“How can you know, though?” The emotion held back, the earnest desire—almost desperation—to know in Kate's eyes, all testified to the fact. What Kate really needed was not Cassidy's calming words or advice. It was to sit down with the man in question and talk it out. Though Cass doubted that would happen anytime soon. Not when they were both still living in denial.

“I don't.” She answered softly letting go of Kate's arm. Kate grabbed hers instead and Cassidy put a comforting hand on her shoulder before continuing. “But I do know that the old Sawyer would have done anything to stay on that helicopter and save his own skin. He certainly wouldn't have risked his neck for anyone else. I mean, he jumped out of a helicopter and asked you to take care of his daughter. Those aren't the words of a selfish man too afraid to commit. They're the words of a man who didn't know if he would make it or not, but jumped anyway. Something big motivated him off that helicopter, and if you think about it, running from you was really something he could have just as easily done once you got back to civilization. It would have worked out better, really. I mean, you could always go back to the island and hunt him down. He couldn't escape or hide from you there, not really. When you think about it that way, it was really more of an: I'll be here when you're ready to jump.”

Maybe that hadn't been his thoughts at the time, Cassidy couldn't really say what was going through his head, but it echoed in his actions now. When they tired of their game of pretend, they would both see that. Part of her wondered if part of him had wanted her to jump after him. If his intentions had been for her to get to safety and come back for him. She knew enough of the story to know that he never stopped looking. Even when he was with Juliet. He kept searching.

He told her once it was because he had nothing better to do, blowing it off like it meant nothing. But she knew that he knew he never belonged there. That's why he kept looking. Even with Juliet.

He had needed closure just as much as Kate had. She wondered if that was what had held him back, if that was what had kept him from proposing.

“Except that he wasn't.” Kate let go of Cassidy and stepped away, wrapped her arms around herself with her back toward her friend for a minute before turning around to face her again. “There, I mean. He wasn't there. Not for me.”

She never realized just how much she had wanted him to be. It had hurt when he jumped out of that helicopter, but she could understand it. It hurt more coming back to him and his new girl. Knowing that she wasn't enough to wait for, even if it was an unrealistic expectation.

Because part of her had waited for him. Part of her belonged to him. Despite all her protest, that was why she couldn't work things out with Jack. Because she couldn't let go and he saw right through her.

But she gave up her hold on him long ago, and he had returned the favor. And now they were free to belong to other people. Whenever these other people showed up.

“I think he was.” Cassidy whispered. She wasn't blind to the way he looked at her when he thought no one was looking. She could see it in his eyes, and in every line of his body. That was the kind of love that didn't just go away. He would still jump out of helicopters for her, and the more surprising part was that Cassidy thought maybe Kate would jump too this time.

“I think part of him always will be.” She continued. “You were what set the wheel in motion, Kate. In so many aspects of his life. You, were what enabled him to jump in the first place. Juliet was just there to finish what you had started. And you are still what enables him to jump. I don't think for one moment that he would have hunted us down, if you hadn't laid the groundwork. I don't think he would be who he is today, without your influence. And it works the other way too, you are who you are today, because of him.”

“No. I'm who I am today because of a lot of things. He isn't really one of them.” Kate shook her head and grabbed the pile of bowls that Cassidy had dried, hurrying over to the cupboard to put them away. Dismissing the very idea.

“He was the first man who loved you. The first man who knew the real you and loved you despite it.” Cassidy paused to let that sink in.

 

Kate nodded to acknowledge that at least that much was true. He really had been the first and perhaps the only man who loved her without question or demand. Accepted so little from her, and gave so much of himself. She had liked to tell herself back then that he was like that with every girl. But part of her knew better. Cassidy's story only confirmed it.

“Jack tried, I will give him that. But even Jack knew, you loved another man as well. He didn't know how to deal with that, Kate. What man would?” Cassidy finished.

Sawyer hadn't either. Things were good then they would fight over some stupid thing and somehow it always led back to Jack. To running back to Jack. She had thought he was so insecure and stupid for always bringing Jack into the argument. Always saying the wrong thing and blaming everything on Jack.

But she could see now that Jack had always been in the middle. Just as Sawyer had always been in the middle of her relationship with Jack.

The difference was that Sawyer made a choice. He removed her from his life. He started a life with someone new.

Kate rested her hands on the counter in front of her, eyes locked on its dark surface. Not really seeing anything as she braced herself.

“If he loved me, why did he run to her?” Her voice almost broke and Cassidy had to hold herself back from wrapping her arms around her friend. It was so simple, she didn't have to hurt the way she did.

Why couldn't they both just see that?

Kate hadn't been expecting an answer, so when Cassidy stepped up beside her, her shoulder resting lightly against the her own, and spoke; the words surprised her.

“Why did you run to Jack? Why did you keep Aaron?” She questioned. “You can't blame him for trying to move on.”

She did and she didn't. It wasn't his fault she wasn't enough. It was hers.

“I blame myself for it, for moving on. What's wrong with me? Why can things never just be enough?” She pushed herself away from the counter, irritated, and Cassidy turned around to face her.

“Don't blame yourself, it's only going to make you miserable. Shit happens. You did what you had to do. So did he. There isn't anything wrong with you, sometimes things just aren't enough. Maybe it's timing, maybe it's just not something that will work out. But that isn't all your fault either. You can't blame yourself for everything that goes wrong in this world.”

She didn't. Not everything. It was dwelling on the past that made her feel like this. Most days she was fine. Didn't let any of it bother her. But Cassidy had opened a can of worms with her gentle prodding. A painful can of worms best left alone.

“I don't. I just feel... so tired of it all. Helpless... useless. I feel like a fucking failure. I just want to feel like it's right. Like I belong. Like I am enough.” She paused. “Just once.”

But she'd had just once. With him. And she had blown it. She wasn't going to blow it again.

“This thing... you have with Sawyer now, it makes you feel like that, doesn't it?” Cassidy asked.

“Yeah, it does. There are no expectations, no reason to fail. It's so nice, Cass. I can't even explain it.” She tried to explain anyway.

“I can, but you won't listen anyway.” Cassidy smirked and picked up the stack of plates, returning them to their home.

“I'm not in love with him.” Kate denied as she picked up a sponge and wiped the counter clean.

“Did I say that?” Cassidy asked as she gathered the silverware, drying each piece and setting them in a drawer.

“No, but you thought it. You've been thinking it for weeks now. Just like Claire.” Kate rinsed out the sponge and set it back on the edge of the sink.

“Well then, I guess I have to give Claire a lot more credit.” Cassidy shot back.

“Oh, shut up.” Kate rolled her eyes and picked up the placemats.

“You should think about talking to him.” Cassidy said as she hung the dish towel on a bar by the sink so it could dry.

“We talk all the time.” Kate paused in front of the drawer the placemats went in.

“Alright, I see you are determined to ignore what I'm saying.” Cassidy breezed by and took the placemats from Kate's hands and returned them to the drawer. “But he's the only one who can answer your questions. Talk to him or not. I don't care.”

“Liar.” Kate smiled.

“I expect to be the first to know when he proposes.” Cass teased.

“Bite me.” Kate smirked.

“I don't know what kinky things you and Sawyer are into, but I'll leave that to him.” Cass rejoined with a raised eyebrow.

“And I'm the two year old?”

 

***

After Ophelia had been fed, Clem wanted to walk her around the neighborhood. A feat in and of itself. While the dog was usually well behaved, when in a new situation, she was not the most manageable either. Easily excited and distracted by new smells, when Sawyer first brought Ophelia home, she walked him. Her size alone made her hard to stop when she had her mind set on something, and it had taken a few tries on the same route to keep her from dragging him down the road behind her. Even now she still had her days.

Still, he couldn't resist when Clem turned her puppy eyes on him, all cute in her pigtails and beat up Converse shoes.

He often wondered at how all girls seemed born with that endearing trait. Deadly when used in the wrong manner, sweet and heartbreaking, they all knew exactly how to wrap a man around their fingers. His daughter was no exception. All she needed was one look and a well placed, 'Please, Daddy.'

He didn't intend on letting her hold the lead, but she tugged insistently on his sleeve and after a few minutes when it seemed that Ophelia was more eager to stay by Clem's side than run in front of them, he reluctantly handed it over, praying that Ophelia wouldn't get it in her head to run or they'd be chasing the dog all around the neighborhood, and that was only in the best case. It was more likely that poor Clem would be dragged half way down the road before the dog finally broke free, or have her little arm ripped clean off. He tried not to think about how badly it could backfire and walked close enough to be able to react quickly.

They talked about simple things. How did she like her new teacher? Was she making friends at school? She seemed eager to share all about her new teacher and her new classmates. About how her class was going to do a play for Christmas, and could he come down and watch it? He promised to do so and she smiled and gave him a quick hug.

It wasn't until they were nearing Cassidy's house again that she popped the question. The last person he had thought would ask, and the one person who needed a completely honest answer, in its most simple and understandable form. The most important girl in his life.

“Daddy?”

“Yeah, Pumpkin?”

“Is Auntie Kate your girlfriend?” Clem asked, her eyes wide, head tilted to one side as they came to a stop. Ophelia sniffing at a patch of grass by his feet.

How did he even go about explaining it to her when he couldn't really explain it to himself. Not in a way that satisfied. No one believed him or Kate, and Clem was more than bright; she understood some remarkably adult concepts.

Clem watched as he stood with his mouth agape. She thought he looked kind of like a fish as his mouth flapped open only to close a moment later. It wasn't a hard question, at least she didn't think so. Just a yes or no answer, but he seemed confused.

“Daddy?” She prodded him on.

“Yeah... No, Auntie Kate is not my girlfriend.” He spit out as he scratched the back of his head. He was giving her a weird look so she raised an eyebrow.

He was making a mess of things, he realized. Clem's confusion was written in every line of her face. So he knelt at her feet and place his hands on her shoulders. Ophelia tried to lick his cheek and he turned his head away then ordered the dog to sit. She obeyed reluctantly, sinking to the ground.

“Auntie Kate and I are friends.” He tried to explain further.

It didn't make sense. She had seen lots of movies with boyfriends and girlfriends. And in every princess movie the prince looked at the princess a lot like her father looked at Aunt Kate. And she liked Aaron, even if he was still kind of a baby, but she didn't want to share her food and drink with him like Aunt Kate did with her dad. Plus, they did that weird thing that her mom and Phil did, they said things without talking. She wondered if that meant that her Aunt Kate was going to know when she misbehaved, even if she didn't see anything, just like her mom, dad, and even Phil knew. Was that just some weird thing that all adults learned how to do? She didn't think so, her teacher didn't know when she got John to give her his lunch money cause he thought she was going to tell on him for looking on Anna's paper. And Mr. Eidelson, her PE teacher, didn't know that she didn't run the whole time he was talking to Miss Hannah, her art teacher, when she was supposed to.

But her dad wouldn't lie to her. Would he?

“But...” She paused and scrunched up her forehead, concentrating on finding words to voice her confusion. “Well, do you like her?” She asked, her voice holding a tint of concern. What if he didn't, and then she never got to see Aaron or Auntie Kate again? What if he got a real girlfriend who didn't like that he was friends with such a pretty girl? Clem thought that Aunt Kate was one of the prettiest grownups that she knew, well besides her mom, and she hoped that one day when she grew up she could be pretty like her.

“Of course I like her. Freckles and I are very close.” He assured her.

“And you think she's pretty?” Clem continued to interrogate him.

He chuckled.

“I think she's pretty.” He confirmed. “But not as pretty as my girl.” He tickled her and she giggled and swatted his hands away.

“Dad, be serious. This is important.” She chided him and he bit back his smirk.

“Yes, Dear.”

“Do you want to...” Clem blushed then waved her hand in a small gesture as she continued. “... you know.” She prompted.

No, he didn't. And she better not be thinking what he was thinking, because if she was he was going to kill someone for putting the idea in her pretty little head.

“Do I want to what?” He asked, concerned that her elementary knowledge of affairs of the heart was not so elementary after all.

“Kiss her. Gosh, Dad.” She spit out, like just the thought of it left a sour taste in her mouth. He tried not to laugh in relief. Kissing was mild, and not at all what he had feared she would ask.

Yes, if he was honest, sometimes he did want to kiss her. Very badly. But that was not something she needed to know, or that she was ready to understand. There were some things he was more than happy to protect her from, and confusion over why Kate wasn't his girlfriend when he did want to kiss her and spend time with her, was one of those things.

“Do you want to kiss Aaron?” He asked instead, remembering another conversation about kissing with another kid not too long ago. He was eternally grateful that Kate was not present for this one. The last had been awful enough, he didn't need to worry about Kate's reaction on top of Clem's. Or about finding her lips accidentally pressed to his to silence a persistent child. It had messed with both their heads last time, and he wasn't eager to repeat the process. Well, the confusion part of the process; he didn't much mind the kissing part.

“Eww. No.” Clem shook her head violently back and forth to emphasize her thoughts on the matter.

“That's kind of how it is with Aunt Kate and me. We like each other, but we don't want to be boyfriend and girlfriend. Like you and Aaron. We don't like each other like boyfriends and girlfriends do.” He continued.

It was true... Well, mostly.

“Why don't you like her like that? You said you think she's pretty, and you like spending time with her. Mandy says boys like pretty girls. And in Sleeping Beauty, the prince doesn't even really know the princess and he wants to marry her cause she's so pretty and they danced together in the woods.” Clem paused to think for a moment, then came back with: “ Have you and Aunt Kate danced? Maybe that would help? Or maybe if you sang together, they always sing together in the movies?”

He couldn't help but laugh at her insistence. And she was right about the dancing thing too, he hadn't wanted to take his hands off of her then, but that was hardly something he was going to tell his daughter. Kate couldn't really carry a tune in a bucket either, not for long anyway, even if it was slightly endearing.

“Why does it matter so much?” He questioned as he tugged on a pigtail. Clem swatted his hand away.

“Cause... Well, what if you get a girlfriend who doesn't like Aunt Kate?”

“Then, I won't like the girlfriend. Aunt Kate is in my life to stay.” He tried to comfort her, but she still shifted from side to side not quite certain of something. He thought it was sweet that she didn't want to lose her honorary aunt again, he would have to share that with Kate later. He knew she would be touched, she loved his little girl almost as much as he did, and it would mean the world to her to know what Clem thought.

“Kay... but what if... Well, I really like Aunt Kate, can't you just marry her?” Clem bit her bottom lip, worried it between her teeth.

“People don't just get married, Clem. They have to love each other and want to spend the rest of their lives together. Like Phil and your mom.” He explained softly, confused at what could have brought this on.

“But Anna, from school, just got a new step-mom who is really mean. She says that she never gets to see her dad anymore because her new step-mom doesn't like her, and doesn't want her around. She says that her new step-mom always says they want to be alone. Aunt Kate would never do that.” Clem insisted.

Sawyer smiled to himself, he was pretty sure why they always wanted to be alone. But Clem was entirely too young to be told about the birds and the bees, and newlyweds. He hoped they could wait until she was at least thirty before going into that, then when she was thirty-five they could talk about her dating. But he could see that it was really bothering her, not that he had any prospects on the horizon.

“Honey, I'm not sure I will ever get married. I don't think you need to worry about that. Besides, who wouldn't love you? It's just not possible.” He grabbed his daughter around the waist and pulled her into his arms for what was meant to be a quick hug. She wrapped her arms around his neck tightly and held on.

“...but...”

“Not gonna happen, Baby. You're my girl, no one is gonna mess with that.” He comforted her, his hand rubbing her back. “What brought this on?” He asked.

“Mom was talking to Phil about how you had a date with someone, and then Anna was talking about her mean step-mom, and I was afraid that you would find someone to be my step-mom. I don't think I want a step-mom, but I thought if it was Aunt Kate I could be okay with sharing you. She's fun and she likes me already.” Sawyer leaned back so he could make eye contact with his daughter.

“Phil's not so bad. is he? Don't you think I would pick a good step-mom for you?” He asked honestly.

“Phil is ok. But he's not as good as you. And you didn't marry Mom, and she is the best. So I don't know who you would pick to be my step-mom.” Of course she would doubt his ability to choose, in her eyes no one could be better than her own mother, and he had already let her down on that one.

“You might have a point. How about if I give you the final say then? If I find someone who I want to marry, you get to say if we can or not. That way if you don't like her, she won't be your step-mom.” He offered. It wasn't like the women were lining up, and even if they were, he wasn't sure he would really want any of them. Maybe he just wasn't meant to be married.

“Promise?” Clem asked, those big doe eyes making her impossible to deny.

“Cross my heart.” He whispered. She smiled.

“Ok, then.”

“Good, we ok then?” He asked as he climbed back to his feet, realizing that perhaps he was getting too old to kneel on the hard sidewalk for very long. He wondered when that had happened.

“Yup.” She chirped. Ophelia yawned, her big drooping eyes following their movements.

“What do you say we go back to the house? Looks like Ophelia is falling asleep, and I don't know about you, but I don't want to carry her back.” Sawyer gestured toward the dog, who had closed her eyes and seemed quite comfortable on the grass next to the sidewalk. Clem placed her hands on her hips, the lead wrapped around her little wrist, as if studying the best way to move the beast.

If she found one, she would have to tell him. So far he'd had little luck moving the animal when she had no desire to be moved.

“She's too big.” Clementine stated quite obviously.

“Yup.” Sawyer mimicked her earlier attitude.

“Come on, girl.” Clem prodded by tugging on the lead a few times, a yawn escaped passed her own lips in the process. The excitement and afternoon sun starting to take its toll on the little girl as well. “It's time for your nap.” Clem murmured and yanked again on the lead.

Ophelia slowly came to her feet and stretched for a moment before returning to her full height.

“Looks like she's not the only one who is tired.” Sawyer said softly and Clem started to rub at her eyes.

“I'm not tired. I'm going to stay awake the whole drive to your house.” Clem boasted proudly as they started back to the house.

“I bet you are.” He answered, knowing that if he got her in the car soon she would be out like a light. And while he loved his little girl to death, five hours in a car with her was never all that much fun. She tended to get cranky after just sitting for awhile. What kid didn't?

“Yup, and Aunt Kate and I are going to play the alphabet game. I'm gonna beat her, cause I'm getting really good at it. Just ask Phil. He always loses when we play.” Clem continued, clearly quite proud of her ability to find letters of the alphabet on signs and license plates. One day she was gonna find out that Phil let her win, he didn't want to be there for that explosion. Clem was always very clear that she didn't want to be babied, poor Phil was going to find that out the hard way.

He hoped Kate knew better.

 

***

“Do you know what he's writing?” Kate asked as she pulled out a barstool from the island in the middle of the kitchen and climbed on it. She couldn't wait any longer, it had been riding the back of her mind since they had arrived. That slim chance that maybe Cassidy knew what was in that notebook.

“What do you mean?” Cassidy asked as she joined Kate at the counter, sliding her own barstool out and climbing up next to her.

“I mean, he has this notebook, and sometimes I'll catch him scribbling away in it and he won't tell me what he's writing about.” Kate explained, her finger tracing a random pattern on the counter, her eyes following the movement of her finger. “I was just wondering if he had said anything to you?” She questioned as she turned her eyes back up to Cassidy.

Cassidy had no clue he had been writing anything. Though it didn't surprise her, Sawyer had always loved the written word. When they were together he would devour books, leaving the bedside lamp on long into the night as she tried to sleep. It had been one of her biggest pet peeves about him.

“We don't really talk about much other than Clementine.” Cassidy admitted, then asked: “What do you think he's writing?”

“I don't know. I mean we can talk about pretty much anything. Very few things are off limits. But I make one mention of his notebook and he clams up. Instant frost. It's killing me, not knowing.” Kate confessed. It really wasn't all that strange, of course he would want to keep some things to himself. Kate had a sneaking suspicion she already knew what was in the notebook, it had long blond hair and had occupied much of his thoughts for years; it made her stomach sink to think she might be right.

“So, what are you going to do about it?” Cassidy asked. Clearly there was something to be done about it.

“There isn't anything I can do about it.” Kate shrugged and Cassidy rolled her eyes.

“You shower at his house, and yet you can't find out what's in his notebook? Have I taught you nothing?” She asked.

“I'm not going to go through his things when he isn't looking.” Kate objected. It was one thing to notice little things like a picture on his bedside table while otherwise engaged. It was another thing entirely to snoop around his apartment for the answer to a silly question. It was a silly question too.

How much could it really matter?

“I didn't say ransack his house... accidentally bumping it off a table and reading a line or two isn't the same thing.” Cassidy suggested slyly.

“Yes, it is.” Kate discounted Cassidy's suggestion. “If he doesn't want me to know, he doesn't want me to know.” She finished. It was clear that he didn't want to share, with the way he all but fled the room or cut her head off when she even hinted at the topic. The way he was always quick to slam the book shut when she walked in, and never left it out where she could see it or even think of touching it.

She could respect his privacy. He respected hers.

Didn't mean it didn't suck, though.

“So you're just going to let it go?” Cassidy asked in disbelief. There was no way in hell she would be able to just let it go. Hell, now that she knew he was writing she had more than a mild urge to find out just what was in that notebook as well. She wondered how she could convince Kate into some espionage to find out.

“Well, not exactly. I'm hoping that eventually he'll share.” Kate admitted. She was far from dropping the subject for good. “But I'm not going to force him to. I mean, I have secrets from him. It wouldn't be right for me to hold him to a higher standard.”

“Oh Honey, he knows your secrets.” Cassidy laughed at the idea. Kate's face always spilled all her secrets out into the open. It was a wonder the woman had survived at all on the run, and a damn miracle she hadn't ended up behind bars for her crime.

“Not all of them.” Kate shot back defiantly.

“He knows the ones that matter and if he asked you, I have a feeling you would crack under the pressure. Maybe not right away, but eventually he'll know everything, it's kind of inevitable with the way the two of you hang on each other's words. It will come out.” Kate nodded reluctantly, Cass was probably right. She really didn't have the desire to keep much from him these days. There just didn't seem to be a point to it. Just a waste of time, really.

She had also hit on another point that Kate felt deserved to be visited.

“So, why should I push him to share his? Like you said, eventually it will all come out. Right?” It was her deepest hope. That eventually he would tell her.

“I hope so, for your sake. But you have to remember, he isn't like you. You can't help but broadcast your hurt. Sawyer bottles it up tight and heaven help the poor soul who tries to get it out of him. He's gotten better over the years, but Sweetie, don't hang all your hopes on the fact that one day he might share it with you when the reality is that he probably won't. If he hasn't shared it yet, if he keeps turning you away, that probably isn't going to change.” Cassidy had a point there as well. Yet Kate still hoped it was wrong.

“I know. I just hope that one day he'll trust me enough to share it with me. Is that silly?” She asked.

Cassidy put her hand on Kate's where it rested on the table.

“No, I think it's a nice hope and I really hope it comes true.” She removed her hand and Kate smiled.

“What comes true?” Sawyer asked as he sauntered into the kitchen and paused beside Kate's barstool, his hand rested lightly on the small of her back. The height of the stool placed his mouth at about ear level. Clem bounded into the kitchen not far behind with Ophelia in tow.

“Nothing.” Kate said softly as she angled her face toward him and smiled mischievously.

“Got it. Girl talk.” He muttered and rolled his eyes. Clementine demanded her mother's attention for a moment and Cassidy looked away to watch Clem's demonstration of what tricks Ophelia knew, keeping Kate and Sawyer in the corner of her eye.

Sawyer leaned in and murmured softly, directly into Kate's ear. So close, Cassidy thought, that chills would run down her spine had she been in Kate's place. That his lips had to have brushed her ear for just the slightest of seconds.

“We should probably take off before Clem passes out on us. Trust me, five hours of the alphabet game is enough to drive anyone crazy. If we leave soon, she'll be out for most of the ride.”

Kate nodded, turned to face him, her lips mere moments from his.

“Ok. Give us a minute?”

He smiled and rubbed her back lightly, affection shining in his eyes.

“Sure.”

He murmured then stepped back.

“Come on, Clem, let's get your stuff together.” He called out to his daughter and they left the room.

It was a moment before Cassidy turned back to Kate. She didn't know what was more entertaining, the level of raw energy between the two of them, or the fact that not one of them had even noticed just how friendly their interactions were. Neither had even batted an eye at the invasion of personal space, or the obvious affection. It was so effortless and natural for them, as if it was just who they were.

“Now, tell me again why you two aren't together?” She finally asked.

Kate rolled her eyes and, placing a hand on her shoulder, shoved Cassidy clean off the barstool. She caught herself awkwardly before hitting the floor, but then tripped on her own feet as she tried to regain her balance and ended up landing on her ass anyway.

Both women laughed until their stomachs hurt and Sawyer and Clementine returned, bag in hand and dog trailing behind to find Cassidy still sitting on the floor and both women clutching their stomachs.

“What's so funny?” Clementine asked, causing both women to laugh harder.

“Your mom... fell off her stool.” Kate gasped out.

“I had help!” Cassidy objected before another fit of laughter escaped.

“Come on, Clem, let's get out of here. I think they've lost their marbles.” Sawyer scooped Clem up and tossed her over his shoulder. Clem giggled.

“But, Daddy, shouldn't we help them find their marbles? I didn't know Mom had marbles or Aunt Kate either.” She said as they left the room. Ophelia barked at the crazy people as their laughter died down and then trailed after Sawyer and Clem.

Kate and Cassidy shared a look, then burst into laughter again.


	15. A Drink With An Old Friend

 

_  
_

_It's not that I hang on every word_  
_I hang myself on what you repeat_  
 _It's not that I keep hanging on_  
 _I'm never letting go_  
 _Hands, like secrets, are the hardest thing to keep from you_  
 _Lines and phrases, like knives, your words can cut me through_  
 _Dismantle me down (repair)_  
 _You dismantle me_  
 _You dismantle me_

Dismantle. Repair. _  
-Anberlin_

_***_

**“Miles is going to think you're ignoring him. Leave me alone. I'm working.”**

Sawyer smirked and slipped his phone back in his pocket. It was a Tuesday, Kate always worked late on Tuesdays. Lately he had taken to bugging her at work when he was bored, and as Miles sat on the barstool next to him drowning his sorrows over some nameless girl, he found himself starting to fall into boredom.

He supposed it wasn't really Miles' fault, and if he was a better friend he would pay more attention to the sad story that went along with the request for company. Miles had done the same for him when they had first got back. But he wasn't really in the mood to drink away his sorrows. Currently, he didn't really have any. He had spent the weekend with his daughter and Kate. They had spent time at the park, visited an aquarium, and the girls had even talked him into a shopping expedition. Kate had claimed that Clem needed some things, and that it would be fun.

He still wasn't sure why he had believed her claim, but he had spent the afternoon on Sunday walking around the mall with his girls. He didn't need to worry about Mandy after all, it would be Kate's fault if his little girl grew up too fast. Clem had loved their outing, almost as much as Kate had loved playing dress up with his little girl and spoiling her somewhat miserably. Though to her credit, Kate had steered Clem toward more age appropriate choices and had even encouraged her to ride the carousal just outside the mall. He had a pictures of the two of them riding horses, side by side, pulling silly faces and laughing on his phone.

Those pictures were right next to another one, perhaps just as noteworthy also taken that day. It captured Kate trying on a particularly lovely piece of swimwear.

He wasn't going to forget the mischievous look she had on her face as she had banished him, telling him to go find something for them to snack on. She had pulled Clem to the fitting room with her, garments hidden behind her back, claiming they needed some girl time. So he had waited a minute or two then followed them, doing his best to remain undetected.

Kate had tried on a few very safe tops, and he had decided to take off and leave them be, sensing the rest of her pieces would be just as dull. But as he was turning to sneak off again, Kate stepped out of the fitting room wearing a deep emerald two piece suit. The bottom tied over her hips with a long string that dangled next to her thigh, little white beads clicking together on the ends of the string. The top tied around her neck and behind her back, covering her rather well for the most part.

He had held up his phone and snapped a picture secretly, his first instinct being to capture the moment in a more permanent form. Later, he reasoned that if nothing else, it made good blackmail material. He never knew when it just might come in handy. And it was just a swimsuit. Hell, he could ask her to go swimming with him and see her in something similar, he was sure.

Something about the situation bothered him. He didn't really know why he felt the need to justify his impulsive behavior, but he did. In fact he had almost deleted the picture once or twice since, but every time he opened it up he couldn't help but remember the conversation that had followed that initial reveal.

“Well?” She had asked his daughter and Clem had clapped delightfully and nodded her approval. Kate smiled then looked down at her suit once more.

The change was almost instantaneous.

She shook her head and pulled at her top, tugging it over and up. Her shoulders slumped and he could swear her eyes looked like they were full of unshed tears.

Clem's eyes had followed Kate's, and being the little girl she was, she gasped and pointed.

“What happened?” She asked, as she stood and hurried over to her aunt to inspect the scar peeking out from under the strap of the suit. “Does it hurt?”

“It's ok.” Kate comforted the little girl, kneeling on the ground in front of Clem so she could get a better look. “I got in the way of a man with a gun. But I'm ok. It doesn't hurt. It just doesn't look nice.” She said softly.

Clem rubbed her finger over the scar, investigating.

“It's not that bad. My daddy has one just like it.” Clem nodded and pulled her hand away. “He says it makes him look tough.”

Kate had laughed and he had to push back the physical urge to leave the shadows and wrap her in his arms. Run his finger over her scar and soothe her with assurances that it wasn't that bad. He hadn't even noticed it till she drew his attention to it. And it hadn't shown up in the picture either. Instead he had put his hand over his own scar, much like she was doing, and had slowly slipped away.

So when he felt bad about taking the picture, he couldn't help but remember the pain in her eyes, the disappointment she couldn't hide at not being able to find a suit to cover her scar. He knew how she felt. Trying everything on in the hope that somehow, something would cover the ugliness. It had been a damn metaphor of her life, and his too. Until now.

Now he felt like he could take everything off and just be, with no judgment or consequence.

So maybe one day he would show her that picture, tell her she had nothing to hide. But not now.

“Are you even listening to me?” Miles asked as he picked up his beer and tipped it back.

“Yeah. Course.” He lied.

“...Anyway, we go to this little diner by the bus station. You know the one with the old jukebox and the hideously overdone fifties theme? Grail's Gill?” Miles was clearly getting close to his limit, Sawyer noted.

“Gail's Grill?” He asked and Miles nodded. “Yeah, Kate works there. I'm surprised you didn't know that.” Sawyer tossed out casually. Miles gave him an incredulous look before continuing.

“Really? That's goddamn fascinating, Jim, but what does it have to do with anything? Why would I be keeping tabs on where Kate worked... or even where she was for that matter?” It was impossible not to know that Kate was in the area, Sawyer hadn't really shut up about her for more than five seconds since meeting up with her again, but that didn't mean he listened or cared much.

It wasn't like they had ever been close. And as far as Miles was concerned, Kate had brought his friend more trouble than happiness. It didn't seem like she had repeated the process yet, but Miles wasn't holding his breath. With Kate, things were always bound to end badly.

“I was just saying...” Sawyer shrugged. Miles chose to ignore it and continue his story.

“Yeah, well anyway, we're at this crappy little diner and she tells me she's seeing this other guy. He's a damn doctor or something. Then she just gets up and walks out... Good riddance I say, better off without her. You got it right... who needs 'em?”

Sawyer couldn't really say that he agreed with that anymore. But Miles was drunk and he didn't want to get into it with him. It wasn't really worth the effort.

“Sure.”

He picked up his beer and took a deep swig, wondering just how long he would have to sit there and pretend like he cared. Yeah, he was sorry for his friend, but truthfully, he wasn't all that surprised. Miles wasn't exactly charming, and since he preferred to live like he wasn't loaded, keeping his money a secret, horded away, it wasn't surprising that his women tended to wander for a guy with bigger ambitions.

“Anyway, so now I have to find a new place to live. The bitch is keeping the apartment. Your kid still staying at your place?” Miles asked as he gestured to the barkeep for a refill.

Sawyer smiled.

“No, we took her back Sunday night.” He admitted, his mind wandering back to that ride.

“You stay over? It's kind of a long drive, isn't it?” Miles asked.

It was a long ride, but every hour of it was more than bearable. He had talked the girls into leaving the dog at home and it had been just the three of them. Clem had drifted off to sleep early in the ride, her head on Kate's chest. Kate's arm wrapped protectively around her as she drug her fingers through the young girls hair, her soft hum filled the cab of the truck. He had wrapped his arm around his daughter as well, resting it along the back of the seat, her arm brushing his in places. His hand finding a comfortable perch along the back of Kate's neck, he thanked her for coming, for being so good with his daughter. For opening the door for him.

Then they had sat in silence together. A comfortable silence that needed no words. Just an occasional smile from Kate as his fingers brushed along the side of her neck. A smile from him as her fingers came up to her shoulder and brushed his away, holding on to his hand for a moment longer than necessary.

It had been late when they stopped to drop Clem off and Cassidy had offered the spare bedroom. Kate had rolled her eyes, and he had tried to forget the sinking feeling in his stomach as she turned Cass down and told her they were fine to drive home.

“Nah, Kate was with me. I let her take a shift behind the wheel. You would have thought she won the lottery or something. She's a horrible driver though, had to hold on for dear life. Poor Betsy may never be the same.” He admitted softly. His mind wandering back to that drive home.

He had been too tired, but Kate had seemed energized so she took the keys from his hand and ordered him to the other side of the truck. He had only objected for a moment, then climbed into the seat she had vacated not twenty minutes earlier.

She wasn't a terrible driver, not really. The ride had been smooth, and he had dozed on and off, watching her from behind mostly closed eyes. Goofy grin in place as she drove, perhaps she knew he never let anyone one else drive his truck. Maybe her heart was just as light as his. It didn't matter.

His hand eventually made its way to rest on her thigh as he slid closer. Hers played in his hair. Her eyes still on the road, his closed tight. Looking, acknowledging, would ruin the stolen moment. So neither did. The dark of night and the hum of the wheels on the highway locking the moment away.

Still, he would never forget it. They were getting quite a collection of those stolen moments now, he smiled to himself. He couldn't say that he would change a thing about it.

“Women always are, and then they complain if you don't let them drive or tell them that they suck at it. Always have to be in control. It's a damn nuisance is what it is. Always having to play by their rules.” Miles complained and it took a moment for Sawyer to remember what they had even been talking about.

“There are perks.” He murmured, thinking about the way her hair smelled when he stood just a little closer than he should be. Or how she rolled her eyes when he said or did something stupid. Her playful shove.

How she felt underneath him, once upon a time, surrendering so easily.

Lost in her kisses. Found in that sharp intake of breath, that desperate gasp for air as her world collided in on her. Her fingers biting into his skin as she fought the waters of need to surface.

Counting her freckles, as she giggled, his finger tickling her skin as it traced a path from one to the next.

Half asleep on a mattress in the middle of hell. Gently waking him up with her lips on his neck. How gloriously perfect it felt as she climbed over him and kissed his lips. His hands on her hips. Hers in his hair.

“Yeah? When was the last time you enjoyed one of those 'perks'?” Miles interrupted the memories with reality. He would never relive those moments. Never be able to have them again.

“No, it's just bitch and moan, whine and complain. Nag, nag, nag. By the way I'm screwing the postman and you aren't getting any.” Miles continued.

It didn't matter if he never slept with her again. His life was still better. And he had something better. He had someone he could count on, someone who wasn't going to go running to another man when things got hard. Someone who was done playing games.

“Still, it can be nice to have someone to come home to.” He answered, knowing that once upon a time that would have meant something different to him. It would have meant a woman with long blond hair and a meal on the table. A picture perfect home. Being the guy everyone looked to for direction. A ring, just waiting to find its home on her finger.

Now it meant beers and a movie on his couch. The way she called him on his shit. Hitting a bar with her voice encouraging him to check out the girl at the end of the bar, knowing he wouldn't. Having his ass handed to him as she schooled him at the pool table. Having someone to call late at night when it was too hard to try and sleep because the memories and guilt were too much to handle. Someone to drive his truck home when he was too tired to stay awake another moment.

“Get a dog.” Miles barked as he took another drink.

“It's not the same.” Sawyer smiled. Ophelia's antics running through his head. The other day he had to stop her from chasing the newspaper boy.

“How is The Beast?” Miles asked, using one of Sawyer's nicknames for the dog. Sawyer traced his finger across his glass, catching some condensation on his hand before wiping his hand on his pant leg, reflecting on the joy in his daughter's eyes as she chased the lovable pooch around the park.

“Clem loved her, even if she is eating me out of house and home.” He admitted as he picked his glass up and took another swallow. His eyes darting to his watch to catch the time. Wondering if Kate wanted some late night Chinese food with her movie. If he left a early enough he could swing by the little place by his apartment and grab some.

“I can't believe you let Kate talk you into it.” Miles fired back.

“Kate's big on strays.” Sawyer shrugged. Miles nodded.

Though he wasn't about to tell his friend, Miles thought that Kate had always viewed Sawyer that way. She was a lot like Jack in that manner. Always eager to fix everyone but herself. He hoped that Sawyer wasn't too bent out of shape when someone new came along. He didn't have much faith in Kate sticking around for long. She never had in the past.

Judging by the far off look in Sawyer's eyes though, Miles thought it might be a little too late for that.

“Think I could crash on your couch for a few days?” He asked after a few minutes. He really hated hotels, and Sawyer's place was just around the corner anyway.

“Guess so. If you don't mind company, Kate usually stops by after work.” Sawyer admitted. It wasn't like it was a huge secret, and it wasn't a big deal. Miles wasn't necessarily all that social though, and part of him really hoped that he would decide to crash elsewhere if he knew that it wouldn't be just them and the dog.

 

“I'm not sure she isn't sitting here with us right now anyway.” Miles muttered under his breath as Sawyer pulled his cell phone out and check it for what had to be close to the hundredth time that night.

“What do you mean?” Sawyer asked, distracted as he texted Kate to ask about the Chinese food.

“You really are whipped, aren't you?” Miles asked instead of explaining. Sawyer wasn't going to reward Miles' sour attitude so he blew him off instead.

“Not even close.”

Kate texted back that Chinese food sounded heavenly. Sawyer smiled and wondered if she would break her no meat rule, or if she would just pick through and pull her meat out, because he wasn't going to order vegetarian. He figured she knew that much too.

**“You know what to order for me. Don't make me nag you about dead animals. I know how much you like it.”**

She texted back, ruining his plans. He didn't really mind all that much.

**“They died for a noble cause. I'm hungry.”**

He teased right back.

**“I'm rolling my eyes at you. Seriously though, picking the meat out isn't the same. Please.”**

He could picture the look on her face, big innocent eyes and pouty lip. Sometimes it was all he could do not to kiss away the pout and promise not to do anything she didn't like ever again. But then, Kate had always known how to manipulate men. Not to mention the fact that she was damn good at it.

He didn't mind if she used it against him every once in awhile. He knew he was pretty good at manipulating her as well. There had to be some kind of balance after all.

**“I'll bring you home some bunny food, don't worry.”**

He promised warmly, his mind already on how he intended to pull her head into his lap and tangle his fingers in her hair as the movie played out on the screen in front of them. It would be full of action and violence, but they would be just the opposite. Still and gentle.

She wasn't big on the chick flicks, thank God. He didn't know what he would do if she insisted they watch some romantic comedy together. Juliet had been into the girlie movies, and he had on more than one occasion wished for death rather than watch one with her. It made him more than glad to be trapped on the island where such entertainment wasn't so readily available.

Now he didn't have to worry about it. Though he wondered sometimes if Kate avoided those kinds of movies for other reasons. She seemed certain there was no happy ever after for her, it would fit that she didn't want to be force fed something she could never have. Even if he didn't agree with that assessment. Sometimes he worried that it was simply a symptom of a larger problem, there were lots of little things like that he had picked up on since she came back into his life.

She avoided tropical foods. He had stopped at the grocery store with her once, to pick up something he couldn't even remember now. She had said she wanted to pick up some items while they were there and they had found themselves looking at produce. He had harassed her about her love of fruits and vegetables and had jokingly placed a coconut in her cart saying she needed more nuts in her life even if they were only the tropical kind. She had grimaced and placed it back on the shelf. He had tried a pineapple later and she almost bit his head off about not needing his 'fucking help.' Then she had steered him away from the produce section to the registers and they had left without any of the items she said she needed. She hadn't talked to him for a few days after that.

The story was similar when it came to the topic of the beach. Clem had wanted to go when she came up the past weekend, and Kate had gotten that look in her eyes. He hadn't pushed the issue, but Clem had and Kate had wished them a fun time. She had things to do. He had grabbed her wrist as she tried to walk by and told his daughter that it was too late in the season for the beach, but they could go to the park instead. Clem had forgotten the incident soon after, but he still couldn't get that haunted look in her eyes from his mind. Or forget how the tension had slipped out of her and those 'things' that she had to do disappeared as soon as he had vetoed the beach option.

Claire and Ian made her uncomfortable as well. But only when Ian did something to show his affection toward Claire. They had invited them both over for dinner about a week prior, and Sawyer couldn't help but notice that every time Ian invaded Claire's personal space, Kate would look away, change the subject, or even leave altogether to attend to Aaron. He had never seen her eat so fast, or be so eager to leave. Claire, to her credit, seemed to pick up on Kate's discomfort and by the end of the night the public displays had died down to next to nothing, but that hadn't stopped Kate from taking off at the first opportunity available.

 **“Kay. Stop bugging me now. Carl is getting pissed.”** Kate's text interrupted his thoughts and his mind instead wandered to just how angry Kate was making her boss. He was tempted to text her right back anyway.

Miles was still talking, though he had no idea what he was talking about and only tuned in for the end of his comment, which had something to do with finding a new place.

“I can ask Kate about the guy she used to find her house. It's a pretty decent place and she got a great deal on it.” He offered, the sooner he got Miles out of his hair, the sooner he would be free of his unwanted house guest and life could go back to normal.

“Whatever, I don't care.” Miles answered and Sawyer decided that he should probably let Kate know they were going to have company for the next few days. He wondered if she would be okay with him crashing on her couch for a few days. The last thing he needed was a depressed friend bringing him down. At the very least though, maybe she would be open to hanging at her place tonight. Tuesday's had always been his place because it was closer to the diner and on her way home, but maybe she would be just as eager for a change of venue as he was.

 **“Miles is crashing at my place for a few days. You want to hang at yours?”** He texted again. Taking another drink as he waited for her answer.

Miles had stopped talking and was busy moping over his drink.

 **“I don't care. Whatever works for you.”** She answered. One more look at Miles, who was busy ordering another drink, and slurring every other word in the process, made his decision.

 **“Yours then. I think he really just needs to be alone with his drink.”** He responded, he was anything but excited at the prospect of listening to Miles sleep it off—his snoring loud enough to shake the rafters—or become acquainted with his toilet.

 **“So supportive.”** She teased and he smirked. If she had been listening to half of the venom coming out of Miles' mouth she might be singing a different tune.

 **“You want a front seat for his 'women suck' drunk ramblings?”** He questioned.

 **“Might be entertaining.”** She responded and he laughed, already knowing it was anything but that.

“Oh for God's sake. Why don't you just sleep with her already and get it over with?” Miles broke in, more than annoyed.

It was enough to turn his stomach, the way Sawyer was with Kate. He didn't remember it being half as bad with Juliet. Of course with Juliet it had happened so suddenly. One day they weren't, the next day, one drunken rambling too many and an accidental kiss later, they were. He could understand it though, both of them had been so desperately alone back then, it had only made sense. It was just never such a long drawn out game between them.

Quite frankly, he enjoyed that a hell of a lot more than whatever Sawyer was doing with Kate. It would have been nice to have his friend back and not the pod person who couldn't seem to make up his mind about anything without Kate's input. Who needed her constant presence.

“What are you talking about?” Sawyer asked, his brow furrowed like he honestly had no damn clue. Miles didn't know how that was possible, but it seemed to make the most sense. Surely if he could see how he was acting, he would wise up and fly straight again.

“I'm talking about how for the last hour you've been practically glued to that damn phone. I'm talking about how she follows you into every conversation, even when she isn't even here. It's Kate says this, or Kate did that. And I thought it was bad when you two were making goo-goo eyes at each other on the damn island.”

It was exactly like back on that island. Even though he had been with Juliet, everyone had seen the way he looked at Kate. Miles couldn't help but feel bad for Jules; it seemed that everyone knew how things would end eventually. She just died before it could all play out. And it seemed that just like back on the island, Sawyer was determined to deny it. Though for the life of him, Miles couldn't figure out why.

“She's a friend.” Sawyer shrugged.

Miles looked at him with wide eyes, and Sawyer thought for a minute that maybe he was too drunk to process, but before he could open his mouth to try and break it down for the inebriated man, Miles continued.

“She's your damn girlfriend. You spend all your free time together. You aren't dating other people, and when you're with other people you're thinking about each other. It's disgusting really.”

“Options are limited, and no we aren't.” Sawyer really didn't know why he bothered. Reasoning with a drunk never really worked out.

“That's a bunch of shit, you walk into a bar and half of the female population is ready to fall at your feet. Kate isn't exactly hard on the eyes either.” Miles laughed before continuing. “And if you aren't thinking about her, who do you keep texting? I take it back, she's not your girlfriend. She's your wife. She owns you. Girlfriends at least typically put out. You aren't even getting that. I don't understand the draw.” Miles slammed his drink down to emphasize his point, liquid sloshed over the edge onto the counter.

“It's not about that. I can share a drink with you and that doesn't mean I want to screw you. It's no different with Kate.”

Actually it was very different with him and Kate. He actually didn't mind being around a drunk Kate, she was kind of adorable. And even when she wasn't, she still wasn't half as annoying as poor Heathcliff over there.

“You've thought about doing Kate ten ways from Sunday. You can't tell me you haven't. That's different.” Miles objected.

Well, yeah, there was that too. But really, what man didn't think about doing Kate? He would have to wonder about himself if he hadn't thought about it. He was also pretty sure he wasn't the only one in the conversation who had thought about it. Miles himself probably had a fantasy or two about her, which he had to admit made him uneasy and a little bit angry as well. Especially after the way Miles had been trashing the entire gender just twenty minutes before.

“That's normal. She's attractive. Doesn't mean anything.” He rationalized, his tone suggesting that perhaps Miles was walking a very thin line.

If he hadn't been so wasted, maybe he would have proceeded with more caution, but Sawyer doubted it. Miles was always a 'take no hostages' kind of guy, he never spared with his words.

“You know as well as I do, that's how it starts. Just a random fantasy and then the next thing you know she's moving in and changing your curtains.” Miles pressed the issue. And while with any other girl there may have been cause for concern, Sawyer knew that this time there wasn't.

“You're losing it.” Sawyer blew him off as he finished his drink.

“You picked out a damn dog together, Jim.”

Why did he know that was going to come back around and bite him in the ass? It wasn't like they picked out 'their' dog, it was for Clem. It made sense to bring her.

“It's not a big deal.” He shrugged.

Miles knew he wasn't getting through to the man, and that there was really only one thing that would. So he brought out the big guns.

“Really? If it's not a big deal, then what would Jules say? Would she invite Kate over to watch football with the two of you? I seriously doubt it.”

Sawyer had the sudden urge to punch him. To take him out back and throw him around a little. But he fought it and instead simply lowered his voice to a deadly tone, knowing that it was the drink, not really Miles who wanted to push his buttons.

“Fuck you. You damn well know that if Juliet was still alive we'd be happy together. Juliet wouldn't have to worry about anything, because there is nothing there. That was fucking low, even for you.”

He felt sick.

Miles was right. Juliet wouldn't approve. What if they were getting too close again? He thought he had been so careful.

He wanted to go home and hole up with his notebook. Write away the demons, make it better with some pretty words about how perfect their life would have been. What they could have had.

But he also wanted to run to Kate. Wanted to laugh and joke that sliver of possible truth away. Pretend that it meant nothing.

“Well, Jim, if that's how you really feel. Maybe you should clue Kate in. She deserves more than a fucked up bastard like you.”

He was a real bastard. What was Kate supposed to think when he wrapped her hair around his finger, when he held her just a little too close, or when he called her late at night just to hear her voice? How was she supposed to react to his constant need? She had become his goddamn bandaid to life, and the whole time he had been messing with her head.

Hadn't he?

He had no intention of following through on any of the gestures, and it hadn't bothered him until Miles suggested that maybe he should. That with any other woman he would. If anyone else had been playing this game with her, he would have ripped their head clean off and told them in no certain terms that she wasn't a girl you played games with.

So why didn't the same rules apply to him?

“Why don't you mind your own damn business? Maybe you should focus more on pleasing your own girlfriend then on what Kate and I do. And maybe you should find another place to crash. Juliet wouldn't want your drunken ass on our couch either.” Sawyer lashed out.

Miles watched as the guilt flashed through his eyes, the hurt appearing for just a fraction of a second. It was good to know that Sawyer was still alive to it. That he wasn't living in complete denial. Maybe something good could come of things yet.

But he was still bitter about the girlfriend comment and so he lashed back, more than necessary.

“Still just as touchie as ever. Get over it. It's been two years. Get a life. Juliet wouldn't give a rat's ass if you screwed Kate now. She would be happy you finally moved on. I've heard a lot of shit from a lot of dead people. None of them say, 'I wish I would have spent more time lying to myself.' So cut it out already.”

He wasn't lying to himself. Was he?

His phone beeped and he glanced down at the display to find another message from Kate.

**“Hey, my car won't start. Do you think you could come give me a lift or something?”**

She had excellent timing. He would go rescue her, they would eat Chinese food, drink some beers and forget about everything else. She was just what he needed. Screw Miles and his theories.

They were fine.

 **“Yeah, give me ten minutes. I'll come look at it.”** He responded.

Miles shook his head in disbelief.

 **“Sorry. I would have called Claire but she'd have to get Aaron up.”** She answered back and he really didn't care.

 **“It isn't a problem.”** He typed out.

Miles rolled his eyes and tossed more of his drink back.

 **“I just don't want to cut into your time with 'the guys.' I can wait longer if you need me to.”** It was a sweet sentiment, but if he had any more 'guy time' he was going to kill someone.

**“I said it's fine. Miles is being an asshole anyway.”**

Miles held up his hand to try and get the barkeeper's attention again.

**“Kay.”**

Sawyer grabbed Mile's wrist and pulled it down. Someone had to stop him.

“Look, as fun as this is, Kate's car won't start.” He said as he let go of Miles' wrist and dug in his pocket for his wallet.

“You gonna ride up on your white steed and save the day?” Miles taunted.

Sawyer rolled his eyes and pulled a few bills from the wallet.

“You're an ugly drunk, Miles.” He commented as he tossed the money on the counter and stood.

“Better that, than a celibate uptight, repressed asshole, Jim.” Miles smirked sweetly.

He didn't really know why he was friends with the guy.

“You know where the key is. I'll see you later.” Sawyer tossed out before turning to leave.

“Sure, Dear.” Miles replied as Sawyer tried to catch the barkeeper's eye.

“Hey, Kimberly. He's done.” He called out, pointing to Miles, when the barkeep finally met his eye.

“Cold-hearted bastard.” Miles yelled back to him. He turned around to face Miles again with a fake grin plastered over his face.

“Catch a cab. No one should have to scrape your sorry dead carcass off the road.” He smirked.

“Give Kate a kiss for me. Don't worry, I won't wait up.” Miles taunted.

Sawyer answered him by raising a finger, then turned and went to go rescue Kate.

It was too bad she hadn't had more time in the motor pool. Juliet would have had her fixing any problem her car could throw at her.

But then, he wouldn't have had the excuse to leave if Kate could have handled it herself. Maybe it was good they were so different.


	16. A New Drive Down An Old Road

  
_ _

_But sooner or later babe, you're gonna need me around_  
 _'Cause you're getting older, there ain't no stopping that_  
 _It's a backstabbing world honey, just lean your head back_  
  
_The fool in me_  
 _It's like a dream, you see_  
 _But if the world is right_  
 _I'll drive all night_  
 _And meet you there someday_

Meet You There

_-Augustana_

 

 

“You've got grease on your cheek.” Kate commented as Sawyer lifted his head from under the hood of her car.

 

“Look who's talking.” Sawyer smirked. Kate had a long streak of it down the side of her face, and a bit of it on her nose too, where she had scratched at an itch earlier. “C'mere. Let me help you.” He teased holding up a rag covered in grease.

 

“Yeah, cause I'm going to fall for that.” She stepped backwards and Sawyer dropped the rag and turned back to the car. He had towed it to her house earlier in the day, after declaring it dead the night before, and they had spent the better part of the morning outside under the hood. She pretended to listen while he showed her things and handed him tools when he asked, but for the most part she simply sat back and enjoyed the show. Teasing him when she could, escaping his grease covered hands when necessary—it seemed he thought she should be just as filthy as he was—and supplying him with plenty of banter and conversation.

 

“So, what's the verdict? Is she gone for good?” Kate asked as she came up and stood by Sawyer, watching as he fiddled with a hose.

 

“Hold this.” He ordered, and Kate leaned over and grabbed the hose, holding it to the side. “She'll be fine. Though you really should take better care of her. It's no wonder she's sick. You have any regular maintenance done on her... ever?” He teased, then leaned over and fiddled with something next to her hand, his knuckles brushing the back of her hand as he worked.

 

“She's a car. I fill her with gas and take her to get her oil changed every now and then.” Kate retorted, her voice clearly stating her feelings on the matter. Sawyer was one of those guys who babied their cars, Kate had decided. After seeing how protective he was of 'Betsy,' it was hard to think otherwise.

 

“I'm going to pretend you are listening to my advice.” He muttered, his eyes on what he was doing, though Kate really didn't know what that was. She hadn't spent a whole lot of time under the hood of any car, and her time in Dharmaville hadn't really shed much light on things.

 

“Wise choice.” She retorted. Sawyer shook his head slightly in disbelief and frustration, then turned it to meet her eyes.

 

“...I'll also keep her running. Because even though you think you know best, you don't.” He paused for effect. “And because I am a patient man, who is willing to put up with your snarky attitude and less than ideal thoughts about maintaining your car, I won't even hassle you much about doing things like rotating the tires or changing filters. I'll just be a nice guy and come over and take care of it for you.” He smiled sweetly.

 

“You really think you're something, don't you.” It wasn't a question but a statement, which would have been joined with her hands on her hips had they not been covered in grime and holding on to part of the car like he had asked her too. The attitude in her voice was not lost on Sawyer, however.

 

“Well, I haven't had too many complaints.” One eyebrow raised suggestively, he bumped his hip into hers lightly before turning back to what he was doing.

 

“Mhmmm. I think that just depends on who you talk to.” Kate knew of at least one woman who was more than full of complaints when it came to him, and he knew it too.

 

“You're talking to the wrong people.” He responded simply, then gestured to her hand. “You can let go of that now.”

 

Kate released the hose and leaned over closer to have a better look at what he was playing with, fascinated with the way his large hands fit into tiny places, his fingertips coaxing things back into place. The muscles in his arms betraying the effort he used to tighten a bolt there or pry a piece loose elsewhere. Her mind returning to moments where he had used that same skill and dexterity, that comforting strength, for other activities.

 

She had to wonder if the warmth in her stomach had more to do with him than with the sun beating down on them.

 

“Am I?” She asked, then stepped back to pick up a discarded water bottle when he turned to meet her eyes. “Well, I don't know where to find this select group you speak of. Perhaps you could point me in the right direction, I'm sure one of the three will talk.” She smirked, trying to break the tension his eye contact had caused. She followed her words with a short swallow, as if she could wash the remaining feelings away with a quick chug.

 

He reached back to steal the bottle from her. It seemed they always shared now, he wondered idly when that had changed and if it should bother him. She had brought him a bottle too, but he had no idea where it had ended up, and he didn't waste time looking for it when she never objected. It was the closest he would get to sticking his tongue down her throat, he mused as he once more stole a look at her long legs, cute knobby knees sticking out from some cutoff shorts. Her outfit everything but sexy, but completely Kate. Just an old worn out tee shirt—obviously not her size—and some shorts that used to be sweatpants once upon a time, she looked like she had raided her boyfriend's closet.

 

Upon closer inspection, he realized that it was his closet she had raided, though he didn't know when that had happened. Maybe he had left some things at her place from that one time he had borrowed her washer and dryer, they had been doing some kind of repair in the laundry facilities at his place and he had needed a valid excuse to call her up back when they were still making excuses to see each other. She had teased him about not reading his mail, how she had seen the flyer on his door about the scheduled work last time she had stopped by. Then she had invited him over for dinner and a movie while he did his laundry.

 

“I don't know. You're kind of a smart ass. They might not take to you.” He teased and took a drink.

 

“Says the master.” She retorted and pulled the bottle away from him, spilling water down the front of his shirt.

 

“Well, golly, Freckles. I didn't know you thought so highly of me.” He smiled then pulled the wet shirt off. He tossed the shirt away from him and it sailed by her head narrowly missing her. She almost didn't notice; his chest and low slung jeans creating a delightful new distraction.

 

“I don't, and watch it, you almost hit me in the head.” She complained, rubbing a hand across the back of her neck to pull a few sticky strands that had escaped her ponytail from the back of her neck. She wondered if she could talk him into a break and ice cream.

 

Ice cream licked off of his very nice chest.

 

He turned around and bent over the front of the car again.

 

She bit her lip and let out a small unexpected squeak, blushing in embarrassment but still not able to tear her eyes from her new, just as exciting, view. Thankfully, he didn't hear, or at least pretended not to. She wasn't going to ask which.

 

He smiled from his position under the hood. Very much aware of her sudden distress.

 

“Guess I'll have to try harder next time.” He called out, amused with himself. “C'mere.” He called to her again a few minutes later, after he figured he had given her enough of a show. She slid up next to him with an inquisitive look on her face. “Hold this.” He ordered and waited until her little hand slid into the tight space before he pulled his away, intentionally brushing his fingers along the inside of her wrist.

 

“Sorry.” He lied, as she tried to hide a shiver. She was almost as sensitive there as she was on the backs of her knees, though brushing the back of her knee 'accidentally' proved to be a bit more challenging.

 

She shook his apology off and pretended it didn't drive her nuts to have him half naked, sweaty, and so damn close she could feel the heat from his body.

 

He hid his smirk and leaned closer, pretending the movement was just as necessary as her hand. Truthfully, neither were. He could have made the repair without her in about an hour, but he had found that involving her had its benefits. He wondered how much longer he could fiddle with things before she caught on that he wasn't actually making any repairs.

 

“What would you do without me?” She sighed heavily.

 

“Move your finger, it's in the way.” He said, instead of answering her question. She rolled her eyes.

 

“You told me to put it there.” She objected, as if moving her finger would end the world.

 

“No, I said to hold it in place.” He corrected gently, then molded his fingers around her hand and guided it out of the way. “Here.” He said as he gave her hand a slight squeeze and then let go.

 

“So demanding.” She choked out before swallowing the urge to turn around and wrap her legs around his hips.

 

He pressed his luck, as he pressed himself into her back and growled in her ear.

 

“Darling, you haven't seen demanding.” He pretended not to feel the shiver quake through her body, or hear the deep intake of breath. “Stand closer to the car, it's not going to bite and I need to reach around you.” He continued to murmur in her ear, his breath disturbing a few curls.

 

As her hair tickled her cheek, Kate's mind flew to places she couldn't afford to think about. Why did he have to stand close enough for her to feel every breath? Why did she want him to stand closer?

 

Panic started to set in.

 

What the hell was he doing? Why was she letting him? This would ruin everything.

 

“It's filthy.” The words flew out of her mouth before she could stop them. It was the only excuse she could come up with to prevent him from trapping her between the car and his very tempting body. And even she knew it was pathetic.

 

She pulled her hand free and stepped to the side, hoping to escape with nothing more than a few ruffled feathers and the teasing that was sure to come from Sawyer.

 

“Really? You wanna go there?” He asked, smirk in place, as she turned around and met his eyes, leaning back against the car next to where he stood.

 

She crossed her arms and met him head on.

 

“Yes.” The least she could do was stick to her excuse. Pretend that she really meant it and wasn't just trying to diffuse a quickly escalating situation. Especially if he hadn't seen anything wrong with it. Perhaps it was just her.

 

Maybe she was reading more into it.

 

He couldn't have been intentionally hitting on her. That was just the way he was. He had always been rather 'friendly' when it came to women. It was only natural that he would be that way with her too. She just wasn't used to it. She just had to grow a thicker skin to protect herself.

 

He wasn't flirting, not in any way that expected an answer anyway. It was her job to blow him off.

 

Kate bit her bottom lip and tried to banish the new flood of images her inner monologue had prompted. It was especially bad when she couldn't even argue with herself without having dirty thoughts.

 

“Ok then, Freckles. I have seen you live in the same clothes for weeks at a time.” Sawyer smiled and began to lean closer. “I've smelled you... even tasted you.” He paused and stepped closer. “I've watched you trek through jungle, covered from head to toe in all kinds of muck. I promise a little grease is not going to kill you.” By the time he finished speaking he had trapped her again, one hand on either side of her waist, his face mere centimeters from hers. That slow southern drawl making his words sound like melting butter, making her mind function like it as well. It was no wonder he had gotten into so many women's beds.

 

“Fine, you win.” She sighed and grabbed one wrist, flinging it up and off the car. Making her escape again. He chuckled and watched as she gathered a few tools, clearly flustered, and placed them back in his tool box.

 

“Really?” He questioned. She was all too easy to rile up sometimes, he smirked. And if he was honest, he had missed her nervous sexual energy almost as much as her playful banter.

 

“Don't let it go to your head.” She warned.

 

“Too late.” He teased and she rolled her eyes.

 

“Thought so.” She sighed as he turned around and continued to fiddle under the hood. Kate stepped closer to watch him again. Oddly drawn right back into that dangerous bubble of energy he maintained around himself. Never quite able to steer clear of it, or him.

 

Maybe she was just a masochist.

 

“You know, Juliet could do this with her eyes closed. It was sexy as hell.” He murmured, his mind not on the way Juliet's ass looked sticking out from under the hood of a car, but on Kate's cute little butt as she stretched to reach just a little further. He wasn't going to lie to himself and pretend he hadn't looked once or twice.

 

“So you're suggesting that I get all greased up, then hit the bar with my arsenal of automobile knowledge to pick up men?” She questioned as she handed him a tool.

 

He smiled and turned his head to meet her eyes.

 

“Flash a little cleavage, put on some really short shorts, guys will be lining up for you to give them a tune up.” He teased. Kate smiled, remembering the last time she had tried to flash a little cleavage in public and just how protective he had gotten over it.

 

“I thought guys liked it when they could rescue the damsel in distress.” She teased, knowing full well that Sawyer thrived on it. Or at least, he had when it had come to her. Way back when. She couldn't count the times he had pretended not to be the hero, all the while coming to her aid.

 

“They also like a girl who knows her way around the vehicle.” He tilted his head to the side, raised an eyebrow and let his eyes wander her body. Lingering longer than necessary in all the places she wanted him to touch.

 

“You are so absolutely disgusting sometimes.” She crinkled her nose.

 

“And you just eat it up.” He leaned in closer again, his nose almost brushing hers as they both leaned over the engine of her car.

 

“Do not.” She pouted and pulled back. He pulled back as well, both of them standing in front of her car. Her back to the vehicle, he stepped up and rested sideways against the car, his body flush with hers again.

 

“Face it, Freckles. You are a very sensual woman. You like playing with fire,” He brushed a strand of hair from her face and she pulled her face away from his fingers. “...especially when it comes to men who know how to use it. You just can't help yourself. You're like a kid in a candy store,” He ran his fingers across the inside of her wrist again. “...you can't help but touch.”

 

He fully intended on ignoring the fact that he couldn't help but touch either. She was just so damn cute when she got all petulant and pouty.

 

“Shut up. I am not.” She yanked her arm from his fingers but kept her position next to him. “I happen to like nice guys.”

 

“Nice guys are never as fun.” He stepped back and picked up a new tool, handing her the old one before bending back over the engine. “Not like nice girls anyway.” He teased and she rolled her eyes again.

 

“Oh please. Spare me.” He smiled, hearing the disgust in her voice.

 

“I'm just saying...” He tried to defend himself and Kate laughed.

 

“You're just talking out of your ass.” She retorted. “Nice girls are nice for one thing.” She leaned in and whispered in his ear. “You'd get bored.”

 

He set his tool down and turned, grabbing her around the waist and holding her off balance, the tool she was holding clattered to the ground.

 

“So what you're saying is, nice men are boring? And you're not a nice girl?” He countered her argument.

 

“Reading a little much into things, aren't you?” She pushed against his chest and freed herself. Though why she kept putting herself in his arms in the first place was something she was going to have to think about, he wasn't that good.

 

“Never.” He laughed. “And you are a nice girl, Freckles. Despite your criminal background and everything else.” His voice suddenly sober. Kate raised an eyebrow in disbelief. “Doesn't mean you're a good girl, though.”

 

“There's a difference?” She asked, arms crossed. He nodded and stepped up in front of her again.

 

Something about her drew him like a moth to flame. He knew she would push away again, it was part of the game. But he couldn't help but be drawn to that circle, couldn't help but want to touch her. Something about her always begged for attention. Always whispered her inner loneliness. Always asking for forgiveness, and crying for someone to come help her put the pieces back together.

 

He didn't know if it was in her haunting eyes, those lovely green orbs that could see right through him, or in those hollow spaces and sharp angles of her frame where that invisible pull resided. He just knew that every freckle, every curl, seemed to resonate a song that only he could hear. Like a siren, beckoning him into a deep watery grave.

 

And no amount of logic or reason could overcome that need to be right next to her. Sharing the same air, feeding off that same unnamed energy.

 

But he couldn't focus on that. Couldn't wonder why he needed her so much, not if he wanted his sanity to stay intact. So instead he answered her question.

 

“Like night and day. A nice girl will let you do just about anything to her, but only if you're lucky. She is very selective about who she lets in. A good girl, now she's afraid of just about everything, and very selective about what she'll let you do, if you ever get passed first base. Good girls get boring very fast, they take a lot of convincing, and they always feel guilty about everything. Nice girls... not so much.”

 

He was in her space again, leaning closer with every word. Sometimes she thought...

 

No, it was just his naked skin pressed against her t-shirt. The warmth of a male body, the possibility. It wasn't him, but her lack of anything else resembling companionship.

 

“And what about bad girls?” She teased, wondering just how much of this he actually believed.

 

“Too easy. There is a lot to be said about the conquest. No guy worth anything wants to keep a bad girl around. There isn't any challenge. Sure, she'll do pretty much anything, but she's also typically a manipulative bitch. You can't trust her to be faithful to anything but what she wants, and she always wants something. Plus she'll let anyone in. Not many guys aim for something that anyone can have. Sure they're good for once or twice, but not for keeping around.” He shrugged it off, he knew she thought she wasn't good, wasn't nice. But she didn't understand the rules.

 

“I'm not a nice girl.” She sighed, he should know the truth. She was one of those girls, manipulative and cold. All of her life she had put her needs first. Maybe if she had been more giving with Jack...

 

If she had just been honest with Sawyer.

 

But it was all water under the bridge now. She stepped back and turned her back on him, pretending to find interest in the car engine. She picked up his discarded tool and twirled it in her fingers.

 

“No, you're the best kind of nice girl. One who thinks she's bad.” He whispered softly. She smiled sadly wishing she could believe it. That she was a nice girl. Not just a bad girl pretending.

 

“How is that good?” Her voice was small and alone. He stepped up behind her and wrapped his arms around her for a minute. She leaned back into him and let him hold her.

 

“Because you care.” He whispered into her hair.

 

Maybe it was enough that he believed in her, or maybe it was just the comfort that his arms always brought, but when he whispered so sweetly it gave her hope that she could change. That she could be that better person.

 

“You're full of shit.” She teased lightly, trying to lighten the dark mood.

 

“Ok, but you will also do anything, and you like it. You enjoy sex.” He ran his hands up and down her bare arms, his voice a low growl in her ear. “You crave it even. You will do anything to please your partner, and you get off on it. But because you think you're bad, you feel no guilt about it, about the things you are willing to do.” He paused for a moment remembering some of the things she had been willing to do with him. He stepped back before continuing, needing the distance to compose himself.

 

“That's just what you do. And you shouldn't, by the way. Feel guilty, I mean. You're damn good at what you do. Because you're a nice girl, the guy you're with knows that he has to work for it. He has to deserve you, take care of you. It's the best of both worlds.” Sensing the sudden tension in him, Kate turned around with a grin.

 

“Are there good bad girls, or bad good girls? What about so-so nice girls?” She asked, teasing away the desire that she could see still clouding his eyes. He would do the same for her, she reasoned. She knew just how hard it could be to put the past away and move on. Talking about sex didn't help the situation, not when both of them had the full play by play running on repeat in their minds.

 

“No,” He shook his head for a moment, as if clearing some unwanted vision from his mind's eye. “but there are smart ass girls who don't know how to properly care for their cars.” He poked her in the ribs before pushing her aside and digging back into the engine of her car. She squealed and hit him in the arm.

 

“Oh wait! Is it true that blonds really have more fun? And what about the sexy librarian myth?” She taunted.

 

“I think I like you better when you don't talk.” He grumbled, grin on his face, and held his hand out for the tool in her hands.

 

“Liar.” She chirped as she handed him the tool.

 

Little did she know.

 

“In more ways than one.” He murmured low enough for her not to catch. She was caught up in her own thoughts anyway and didn't give him much time to respond to the insult before barreling onto a new topic, which was really a good thing. He didn't think that opening that can of worms was a good idea.

 

“Hey, before I forget, Claire and Ian are going away for the weekend. She called me this morning before you came over. I'll be staying at her place and watching Aaron and Jane, which means we can't hit the bar Saturday night. You should go though.” She tossed out as she started to pick up the area around the car, gathering tools and returning them to his tool box, picking up the grease covered rag and resting it on the edge of the car next to Sawyer.

 

“Where's the fun in that? If I can't hook you up with some hot chick, I really don't see the point.” He asked as he struggled to tighten a bolt.

 

“Did you hit your head?” She asked as she picked up his shirt and spread it out to dry on top of her car. “You're supposed to be thinking about all the hot chicks you could hook up with. And with me not there, maybe you could actually win a game of pool and impress them with your suave skills.” She smiled as he stuck his head out to look at her.

 

“Are you suggesting that I can't impress them with my skills when you are there?” He questioned.

 

“Well, let's be honest. You getting your ass kicked by me every week isn't exactly manly.” She leaned in and patted his cheek.

 

“But Freckles, I like it when you play rough.” He growled and wiped grease on her cheek. She swatted his hand away and he laughed.

 

“You need to get laid.” She pointed out as she turned around to pick up their discarded water bottle. He caught himself watching her as she bent over, admiring her ass for what had to be close to the fiftieth time in one day.

 

The words came out before he could stop them.

 

“You offering?”

 

_< i>Yes, God yes. </i> _

 

Her heart nearly stopped at her immediate reaction. That intense desire to just throw him up against the car and have at it.

 

They were so screwed, and not in a good way. At least one of them had to be the rational one if they were going to make their friendship work, and apparently today it wasn't going to be him.

 

She rose slowly, the water bottle forgotten at her feet.

 

“Yeah, not a good idea.” She said, hesitantly.

 

Sawyer had gone back to working on the car, his embarrassment held in by pride alone. Just because she had been staring in all his late night fantasies lately didn't mean that he had to open his goddamn mouth and... He wished he could take it back. He hadn't meant it. Not really.

 

They were just playing around.

 

He worked in uncomfortable silence for a few minutes. Kate buzzing around nervously fidgeting and trying to look busy.

 

“Look, I wasn't serious. We were just...” He finally broke the silence.

 

“I know. It's fine. It's not like I haven't thought about it.” Kate blurted out.

 

God, she was an idiot. Way to make the situation worse. Why couldn't she just keep quiet? He certainly didn't need to know she had thought about playing naked games with him.

 

“You have?” He asked, clearly surprised. He didn't think she was interested. She hadn't really acted like it was on her mind. He tried not to let the small spark of joy show. It was nice to know he wasn't so easily forgotten, nice to know he wasn't the only one who remembered just how good they were together.

 

“Sure. It's just not a good idea.” Kate sighed and rested her hands against the car next to him.

 

“I know.” He admitted and reached over to squeeze her hand for a second before pulling away.

 

His words would still not leave her mind though. The idea that she could, with probably next to no effort, have him pressing that naked chest to hers sent chills down her spine.

 

He may have been playing around with her, but the fact that he still thought about them, the fact that he could just blurt it out like it meant nothing, was totally natural... It only fueled that burning ache inside. She wanted to explore the subject further. Wanted to tease every little morsel out of him. But she knew that was an awful idea.

 

“So, how's the writing coming?” She asked instead, trying to change the subject.

 

“What writing?” He asked a little confused as to what she meant.

 

“You know, in your notebook.” She offered.

 

He stiffened.

 

“Fine.” He offered shortly.

 

“Yeah?” She questioned, not knowing where to go next.

 

“Yeah.”

 

“So... are you going to try and get it published when you're done?” She asked and watched him work. His fingers slipped and his knuckles scraped against a sharp piece of metal.

 

“Son of a Bitch.” He cursed and shook his hand. “No.” He bit out as Kate took his hand to try and investigate his injury.

 

He pulled his hand free and returned to work.

 

“Why not?” She asked trying not to be hurt by his coldness.

 

“Because.” He turned dangerous eyes on her conveying his point.

 

They had an agreement, he thought she understood that.

 

“Ok.” She whispered and looked away, hurt.

 

“Look, it's not a big deal and I don't really want to talk about it.” He offered softly, feeling like a jerk for being so cold with her. She looked back to him, fire in her eyes.

 

“Ok.” She ground out, telling him it was anything but.

 

She didn't own him. She didn't make all the rules. If he needed space, she should honor that. God knows he would do the same for her. But that determined edge to her jaw, the anger in her eyes.

 

It pissed him the hell off.

 

“So if you could stop fishing for information I'd appreciate it.” He lashed out, taking his anger out on her car. Trying to finish as quickly as possible and wishing he hadn't done a lot of unnecessary work just to spend more time with her.

 

“Ok.” She answered unsure of what the right thing to do was. He was clearly agitated and she had no idea where the anger was coming from. She had dropped the subject.

 

“You don't have to know everything.” He continued. It was the third time in a week she had asked, twice of those being after their visit to Cass. He had to wonder just what Cass had said. Before their visit she seemed fine with him having his own life. Now she had to be in every little corner, trying to find out every little thing.

 

“I was just trying to make conversation.” She lashed out. He couldn't treat her like this. He couldn't take his anger out on her. She didn't do anything.

 

“Don't.” He warned.

 

“Fine.” She bit back.

 

He pulled his head out from under the hood of her car and slammed it down. She jumped back, narrowly getting her hands out of the way before the hood hit them.

 

“I'm done. It should run fine now. I've got some things to do... I'll see you around.” He said coldly as he threw the last of his tools in his tool box.

 

There was something about the defeated arch of his back as he threw his tools in a jumbled heap and fought with the latch of his tool box, that melted her heart. Something that broke through her anger and spoke the truth.

 

He was hurting. Somehow she had hurt him.

 

“Sawyer. Come on.” She whispered softly as she came to stand behind him. Hesitating between bending down to touch him and keeping her distance, afraid he might lash out again.

 

“Back off, Kate.” He growled.

 

“I don't want to fight about this.” She whispered.

 

“Then don't. I gotta go.” He stood up, tool box in hand and turned to face her.

 

“Sawyer.” She tried again.

 

“I'll call you later.” His tone only marginally softer. Something about the fear in her eyes, the worry she kept barely contained, tugged at his sympathies.

 

“But.” She reached for him.

 

“Not now.” He stepped away. If she touched him now he would break. He would give in. He would damn them both and pull her down into his ugliness.

 

She deserved so much better.

 

“James.” Her voice almost lost in the deafening panic running through his brain.

 

Miles was right. Juliet wouldn't approve. This wasn't healthy.

 

“Don't Kate. Don't call me that.” His voice almost cracked as he turned and nearly sprinted back to his truck.

 

“Fine.” She whispered softly, knowing he couldn't hear her. She watched as he threw his tool box in the back of his truck, then stepped forward and rested against the side of her car. His t-shirt caught her eye and she pulled it from its resting spot on her car, her fingers digging into the fabric. She contemplated calling to him again to return his shirt, but as he threw open his door and paused for a minute watching her, she held her tongue.

 

She wondered if he would call her. Wondered if he was driving out of her life forever.

 

She wondered why she couldn't stop him, why she couldn't find the right words to make him stay?

 

Why she couldn't be enough for him?

 

He climbed in his truck and drove away.

 

She held his shirt to her face and fought back the desperate emptiness he left behind.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


	17. A New Tale About An Old Story

 

_***_

_I need another story_  
_Something to get off my chest_  
 _My life gets kinda boring_  
 _Need something that I can confess_

_'Till all my sleeves are stained red_  
_From all the truth that I've said_  
 _Come by it honestly, I swear_  
 _Thought you saw me wink, no_  
 _I've been on the brink, so_

_Tell me what you want to hear_  
_Something that were like those years_  
 _I'm sick of all the insincere_  
 _So I'm gonna give all my secrets away_  
 _This time_  
 _Don't need another perfect line_  
 _Don't care if critics ever jump in line_  
 _I'm gonna give all my secrets away_

_Secrets  
-OneRepublic_

_***_

God, the damn woman was a bitch.

As he sped away from her house, his knuckles throbbing and bleeding from where he scraped them, his mind was on just how irritating she could be.

Who did she think she was anyway?

She was always so damn pushy. So in his face. She didn't respect any boundary. Some things just were not her business. He didn't go asking her about Jack every five minutes. He didn't dress all sexy and tease her with things she couldn't have. There were lines, and she refused to stay on her fucking side of them.

Sawyer killed the engine of his truck as he pulled up in front of his building. Slammed the door and grabbed the tool box from the back, then headed in.

Juliet never pushed, not like Kate did. And on those very rare occasions where she did push, it was different.

Ophelia greeted him at the door and Sawyer yelled at the dog to get out of his way, then slammed the door behind him. Dropped the toolbox and stormed across the living room. Ophelia went to hide in Clem's room, whining as she left the room.

Dumb dog.

Sawyer's eyes scanned the living room for his notebook.

Screw her. It wasn't her business if writing made him feel better. It wasn't her business at all if he wanted to get lost in a make believe world where he decided what happened and no one could change any of it. No one could die and leave him alone. No one could fucking mess with his mind like she did.

Where the hell did he put it?

He stomped into his bedroom and found the notebook lying on the table by his bed.

By _her_ picture.

Sawyer sank down on the bed and picked up the frame.

It was only a newspaper clipping, she was standing next to her ex-husband who was getting some award for some break through research. Research that she had spent three years working on and he had nothing to do with.

She deserved better.

Better than some dishonest prick, who cheated on her with anything with two legs. Better than some dropout hick, who conned women into his bed. Who couldn't even give her all his damn heart. Couldn't make her feel like it would all work out. Couldn't make her believe that he loved her. Needed her despite everything. Couldn't keep her.

If he regretted anything, it was the way they left things. It was that fear in her eyes. The one that said she knew better. She had been there before. That look, the one that said: You say that now but... It was the fact that not twenty minutes before she died, she let him go. And he still couldn't let her go.

She deserved someone who didn't look at the woman who came between them and wonder what if.

Sawyer set the frame down on the table, face down.

He couldn't look at her.

Picking up his notebook, his eyes landed on his injured hand. The blood starting to dry between the little cracks and wrinkles in his skin. His rage at Kate starting to dry into the little holes in his heart, leaving him with tiny little cracks filled with hurt and betrayal. He put his notebook down and walked into the bathroom. Watched as the blood and grease washed down the drain.

His mind circling like the dirty water, leaving a dark stain in its wake.

He had hurt her too.

He splashed some water on his face, scrubbed at the evidence of her playful side. The little grease smears her small fingers had left on his cheek. They came off easily, unlike the memories.

He couldn't get that image out of his mind. The one of her standing there watching him as he got in his truck and left her, his t-shirt clutched between her fingers, holding on to it like if she let go she would lose him. As if their friendship would fall to the ground with the shirt and shatter.

He couldn't make her believe either.

Not in the same things. He didn't want to marry Kate. He didn't even want to be with her. Well... maybe he did, but that didn't matter. What he did want was for her to believe that he wasn't going anywhere. But he could see the fear in Kate's eyes. Could see the hesitation.

Like she was afraid to breath or it would all break.

He didn't want that.

He had done life without her. He had no desire to repeat it. So why couldn't she believe him?

Because he was no good. He was a liar and a fool, and she could see right through him.

Turning the water off with one hand, Sawyer grabbed a towel with the other. Scrubbed his face dry, threw the towel in a wad against the wall. He had reopened the cut on one of his knuckles. Just like she had reopened the wounds on his heart, he watched it bleed for a minute before opening the cabinet behind the mirror and pulling out a bandaid.

He only had pink ones with a dumb looking cartoonish cat on them. Clem's favorite. He used it anyway; it wasn't like he was planning a trip out anytime soon. Ophelia wasn't going to give him any grief about it.

He should probably feed her, or take her on a walk or something. He felt kind of bad about the way he had treated her.

With a heavy sigh, he left the bathroom and made his way back to the bedroom. Stopping by his dresser to free a new t-shirt from the drawer, he pulled it on, his eyes landing on the notebook on his bed.

Ophelia could wait for a little longer.

Sitting on the bed, he scooted up so his back rested against the headboard. Picking up the pen on the table he opened the notebook and stared at the words in front of him.

It was a love scene.

Kate had been driving him nuts, being so untouchable and particularly enchanting. He had taken his frustration and guilt over feeling things for her again, out on paper. It had come out in the form of a love scene between his two main characters. A way to show her—even if she would never see it—that he didn't want her. A way to get back at her.

His fingers traced the words on the paper, the little grooves left by the pen dancing against his fingertips as he read.

_She smiled, her lips parting to reveal her teeth, a laugh caught in the back of her throat._

_“Not quite the reaction I was looking for, Sweetheart.”_

_“That tickles.” She picked his hand up, his fingertips leaving the skin on her side. “Keep your hands to yourself. I'm trying to sleep.”_

_She set his hand back down on her hip, refuting what she had requested but seconds earlier._

_He smiled and leaned in, pressed his lips to the back of her neck and listened to her soft moan of approval. His hand pulling her body back into his, he reveled in the feel of her warm soft skin against his._

_“You are a horrible liar and an awful tease.”_

_She giggled and cuddled closer._

_“You know what I think?” He asked as he brought his hand up to her long dark hair, brushed the curls aside and whispered in her ear._

The words jolted him.

He scratched them out with his pen, violently marking up the page. Amending his words.

It must have been a fluke.

Golden. He meant golden.

He continued to read.

“I think you should call out tomorrow and let me spend the night showing you how much of a liar you are.” He murmured against her skin, catching her earlobe between his teeth.

“Mmmm, that does sound good. But the hospital would miss me.” She said as turned to him.

Yes, now that was right. Though... still off. Juliet would have stayed up all night anyway, then would have been out of bed first thing and on her way to work. She hated being late to things. Used to say it was disrespectful. And when she had a responsibility she always followed through on it. She wasn't one to play hookie, even if he sometimes wished she would.

Ophelia sniffed at the door and Sawyer relented, patting the bed beside him. The dog bounded over to the bed and hopped up next to him, laying her head in his lap. He scratched behind her ears affectionately.

“Sorry, girl.” He murmured, she nuzzled his leg. He wished that all females were as forgiving. Kate wasn't going to forget his behavior. She might not hold it against him, but he could bet she would be more protective of herself. Closed off. Which, he supposed, was probably not a bad thing.

_“I miss you.” He murmured, sealing his lips against hers for a long deep kiss. She slid her leg over his, he grabbed it and pulled it over his hip. Ground into her as she bit his lower lip playfully._

_She pulled back and crinkled her nose adorably, he could almost see the freckles in the dim light of the bedroom._

_“You'll live.”_

Something about the paragraph bothered him, so he read it again. And again.

It took him three times before he scratched out the bit about freckles.

Juliet didn't have freckles, but why couldn't his character, Maggie, have freckles? Just because she was based on Juliet didn't mean she had to be exactly like her. It was better if she wasn't.

Juliet also wasn't a tease. Not like Maggie was turning into.

Frustrated he turned a few pages back and began reading again.

_Jake just did not understand her. Maggie was a collection of contradictions. Some days she wouldn't budge from the rules, using them as a shield, others she would toss them aside as if they meant nothing. He was hoping for the second option._

_“Come on, if we are going to get there on time, you are going to have to step on it.” She teased from the passenger side of his truck. “I know the girl has some life in her yet.”_

_They were headed to a movie, it was all he could talk her into. She had some important interview in the morning and had told him she made it a rule to prepare the night before. That they could catch the movie if he got her home by nine._

_“Don't mock the truck. If she breaks, you're fixing her.” He teased, easing his foot off the gas a little. Hoping he could talk her into more, delay the end of the evening a little bit._

_“Oh baby, I'm not that dumb. You just want to watch me bend over.” She gave him that look. The one overly patient one, like she was dealing with a child instead of a grown man. Chased it with a smile and an eyebrow lift, like maybe she would consider it anyway._

_“Seriously, a snail just passed us.” She added a moment later._

_“When you're driving, in your car, you can go as fast as you want to.” He slid his hand behind her, tickled the skin on the side of her neck before she swatted his hand away. “Right now we are in my truck, and I am driving. That means I pick how fast we go. Besides, I thought you were opposed to breaking the law.”_

_Maggie rolled her eyes._

_“Everybody speeds.” She explained._

_He smiled, a devilish grin, as his mind formulated a plan._

_“I'll speed up, if you speed up.” He smirked. He could tell that she was trying to figure him out, her cute little brow all furrowed._

_“What do you mean?” She asked. He reached across the the seat and grabbed her hand, gave it a squeeze and then a tug. She unbuckled her seat belt, slid across the seat with a sigh, making sure to fasten herself in next to him._

_“I mean, break your rule and come home with me.” He whispered. She smiled sadly._

_“Nope, I need my head in the game tomorrow. I can't do that if I'm thinking about... you know.” He knew she would have said yes if things had been different. Knew that she was beyond eager to make her way back between his sheets and forget about the world._

_But that was his Maggie._

_“You're no fun.” He pretended to pout, wishing that for once she would just let go._

_“You're right, I'm not. I don't know what you see in me.” She teased, leaned up and placed a kiss on his jaw. “Maybe we should just skip the movie. Think about all the things we could do instead.”_

_Her hand slid up his thigh and he smiled._

_Yeah, that was his Maggie, alright._

Well, they did have that in common. Their odd and often conflicting version of the rules. But part of him was having a hard time picturing Juliet in the truck. Maybe because it had become their thing, his and Kate's.

He supposed that wasn't bad. Friends had things. Didn't they?

He thumbed back a few more pages.

_“He's adorable.” Maggie smiled and buried her nose in the puppy's soft fur._

_“He's yours. Merry Christmas.”_

Jules was allergic to dogs.

A sick feeling started to build in Sawyer's stomach as her turned back a few more pages.

_”What makes you think you can come into my life and change things?” Jake demanded._

_Maggie flinched, she hadn't meant for her words to hurt him. He knew that, but she always cut so deep without even trying._

_“I...” She stammered, uncertain what to say._

_“I didn't want this. I didn't want things to get so complicated between us. But you came along, and now I can't think. I can't make a decision without you. I just... I need something that is just mine. Something that you aren't part of. God Maggie, it feels like I don't even know who I am anymore.” He sighed. He was an asshole, he could see the tears building in her eyes._

_“All I'm good for is hurting you.” He muttered._

_“You know, all you have to do is say sorry. We could start again; give each other a clean slate.” She whispered, hesitantly._

Sawyer slammed the book closed.

Shit.

He hadn't. He couldn't have.

He opened the book again, furiously flipping through the pages.

How had he not noticed?

_“Don't take it out on me because you feel guilty.”_

_“I don't feel guilty.”_

_“The hell you don't.”_

He remembered it clearly. Hiking through a jungle with her, exchanging heated, barbed words.

_“I've been with a lot of girls—some of them worth the trouble, some not. Every now and again there's one... one you name dumb stars with.” He murmured into her dark hair._

_“You saying you wanna name stars with me, Tex?”_

_“Maybe, Maggie.”_

He couldn't look anymore.

Slowly he closed the notebook and set it on the table next to the bed.

He didn't know what said more. The words, or what was crossed out.

He didn't know how many times he could cross out Freckles, or references to her hair. Her skin. Her smile. Didn't know how many times her words stared at him. Or how many of the situations he had used were things they shared.

He couldn't block out her voice. Couldn't help but hear it as he read.

He wasn't writing about Juliet anymore. He didn't know when exactly the switch had occurred, but it went back farther than he wanted to think about.

He might have tried to keep her out of this, to keep this to just himself.

But he failed.

And for once she had nothing to do with it. No, this was all on him.

 **He** had written her in.

Part of him wanted to destroy it. Wanted to tear it up and pretend it never happened. But he wasn't stupid. Destroying it wouldn't erase it, it wouldn't change that it had been written.

And just like her name scribbled out in pen couldn't be hidden, the truth about his feelings for her was not something that he was doing a great job at hiding either.

She made him happy.

He just didn't know what to do with that.

If there was even anything _to_ do about it.

Sighing heavily, he picked up his pen and began to write. Maybe things could still be salvaged.


	18. A New Discovery

_ _

_Stay with me_   
_Let's just breathe..._

Just Breathe  
 _-Pearl Jam_

 

“Any word?” Claire asked as she opened the door and stepped aside.

“No. None.” Kate responded glumly, toting her overnight bag with her as she stepped into Claire's house. She had finally cleaned out the last of her clothing the week before. Claire had rolled her eyes and mentioned how silly she thought the whole thing was, especially now that she was spending more time with Ian and Kate's babysitting skills were being used more often. She had even joked that Kate should leave some clothes there so that Sawyer would have more room for his personal items in her dresser. Kate had immediately responded by informing Claire that she didn't need to store any clothing at Claire's to make room for Sawyer's belongings, she could store them at Sawyer's in the space he emptied out to bring things to her place. Claire's mouth had dropped open and Kate had laughed before informing her friend she was kidding and that her underwear and Sawyer's wouldn't be coexisting anytime soon.

“I'm sure he'll call soon.” Claire soothed with a hand on Kate's shoulder.

It had only been a couple of days but already it felt like a lifetime. Kate had stood in the driveway alone for a good twenty minutes watching the empty space he left, not quite believing he was gone. She had spent the next two days wondering when he was going to come back. Waiting for her phone to ring, worrying it never would. Should she call him and apologize for pushing the issue? She just didn't know.

Claire had been informed over ice cream on Wednesday night, only hours after he had driven away. She had dropped Aaron with Ian and Jane and had hurried over to play the supportive friend the moment Kate hinted at a problem.

It was always like that with Kate, she never volunteered her problems. Claire always had to dig for them. It hadn't taken much digging to figure out something was wrong when she had called to let Kate know they weren't going to be leaving on Friday until later than planned because Ian had a dinner meeting with a client. When Kate had picked up the phone, her voice had been thick with unshed tears, and her attention span had been limited to two word phrases. It had taken Claire a pint of ice cream and two hours to get the entire story out of Kate. Kate had then brushed the whole thing off and sent Claire home, telling her it was fine and that she was sure it would blow over.

Backpedaling to cover up her fears and doubts. Even now Kate stepped away from the comfort Claire offered and looked around suspiciously.

“Where are the kids?” She asked as she set her bag on the ground by the door.

“Probably killing each other.” Claire sighed. “It's been one of those days.”

“Oh goodie.” Kate mumbled. “You sure you wanna go away?”

Claire smiled.

“You know, when you and Sawyer finally hook up and have gorgeous little babies. We will be more than happy to watch them so you and Sawyer can spend some time alone together without interruption.” Claire smirked.

“Right. I'll make sure to let him know. You know, assuming I ever see him again.” Kate sighed. “Are you nervous?” She asked, trying to deflect the conversation from herself. It was easier when she didn't think about the fear that gnawed at her gut. When she didn't have to wonder if he was ever coming back.

“No. Strangely enough, I'm not. I thought I would be. I mean this is a huge step for us. But with Ian... I don't know, it's just easy. You know?” Kate nodded, she did know. Knew that sometimes things just fell into place and there was no room for that doubt or fear. It just felt right. Like a second skin, like coming home. Like being wrapped in a soft warm blanket. Safe.

It wasn't until after, when things started to become unclear. Murky and untested. When second guessing and reality came in to make you wonder if things were really that good or if time made all things better than they really were. If maybe you were looking at the world through tinted glasses, projecting unvoiced desires or unrealized feelings onto the situation.

“I'm happy for you.” Kate smiled sadly, looking at her feet and playing with the hem of her sweater. It was a deep turquoise tone with a soft fuzzy feel. The kind of sweater designed for comfort, the sleeves just a little too long, the neckline too big so it hung partially off one shoulder. When Aaron was younger he used to love rubbing his cheek against it, nuzzling gently into it as he drifted to sleep. Maybe that was why she chose it, because it reminded her of better times. Of that one little boy's unconditional affection. Even when she screwed up.

Claire watched Kate for a moment before responding.

“He'll be back.” She offered softly. “Give him some time. It's only been two days. Maybe you both just need some time apart to think things through.”

Kate dropped her hands and looked up at Claire, studying the concerned look on her friend's face and wondering how Claire became such an expert on the subject of them. Him and Her. Like they were a matched set of crazy. Maladjusted, bruised, and torn, carrying emotional scar tissue so deep it disfigured them. Maybe they were perfect for each other. Perfectly imperfect. Broken together.

Or maybe those were lies, told to make herself feel better about being such a coward. Paranoid. Cold comfort to make her feel like she wasn't alone. To make her feel something. Why was it she only felt alive when he hurt her?

“What if he doesn't come back?” She asked.

It had been on her mind since he left. But she hadn't worked up the nerve to voice it. As if saying it out loud made it real. As if she could pretend it away if it was just a nagging thought in the back of her mind. Persistent as it was, unvoiced it was still just imaginary.

“You know better than that.” Claire chided. “I know it hurt. I know you're afraid. But Kate, you know better. You can hide behind your fears and insecurities forever if you want. But you're better than that too.” Claire's hands found her hips as she shared a disappointed look.

“But...” Kate tried to explain what Claire just didn't seem to get. She seemed to think that it was a done deal between the two of them. That things would just work out. But things never just worked out. Especially between them. They had mastered the art of bad timing. They excelled at misunderstanding. Graduated at the top of the class in miscommunication.

Things just worked out in fairy tales. Never in real life.

That was a truth she had learned a very long time ago while Wayne threw her mother around.

“No. You don't get to pretend anymore, Kate. Let me ask you a question. Are you done running from your problems? I mean, do you plan on taking off in the middle of the night and leaving this life behind?” Claire interrupted.

That much was certain at least. If she could do one thing right, that would be it. She would stay and face something. She had made that decision five years ago when she had first come back with Aaron. Back then it was for him, but now it was for her. For the peace of mind that came from finally being free of her past. From dealing with her demons and taking a stand. From emptying the closet and starting over.

Sure it wasn't ideal, reality rarely was, but if there was one thing she knew, it was that she wasn't going to run away again.

“No, you know I don't.” She answered softly. Though it didn't mean she wasn't still tempted. Didn't dream of just getting in her car and driving away, leaving everyone and everything behind. It would have been a hell of a lot easier. Especially after losing Aaron. If she lost Sawyer again... well she knew it would be that much worse.

Can't get attached. Lived so much of her life in her own plastic skin. People sliding off the surface, like little droplets of water. Her coating impervious as humanity rained down around her. But he scraped against her, rough and fast, ripping little holes that he filled with pieces of himself. Pieces that soaked into her clothes, her skin. Her very pores full of him. Impossible to shake off like a wet dog. Impossible to dry out with a towel.

Impossible like him.

“Guess what. He's done too.” Claire's words caught Kate's attention.

Could he really be done? Could he really be there to stay? Part of her knew it to be true. Like a law written between them, unspoken. A covenant signed in that first heartbeat. A promise in every touch.

For good. Never again.

But part of her feared to listen to it. Scared it was something she had created alone. Something he had no part in. Just her delusional fantasy world, where he was the sun and moon. Not real. Not ever.

“Who cares what else happens?” Claire continued. “You both know you're happier with each other than you've been in a long time. He's not stupid. So whether you sleep together and have a million adorable green eyed babies or whether you just hang out together and have each other's backs, you both know that you can't go back. You aren't afraid he won't come back. You're afraid that you won't be happy without him.”

Wasn't afraid. No, this wasn't about being afraid.

It was about being scared shitless. It wasn't a simple fear of the dark. It was an all consuming black hole. It wasn't like being afraid of small spaces, it was the air being sucked from her lungs and the walls crushing her. It wasn't a fear, it was a knowledge.

She didn't think she would be unhappy without him. She knew she would.

No amount of talk, no amount of consolation, no amount of reason, could make any of that better. Claire couldn't do a thing about the goddamn terror that ripped through her at the thought of trying to start again, without him.

And they weren't even together. How much worse would it be then? If they had gotten together...

“Shut up.” Kate sighed. She didn't want to think about it. Wanted it gone from her overtaxed mind for awhile. Wanted to block him out with Aaron, with taking care of him. Wanted to replace him with the other guy in her life she couldn't have.

Maybe that was just as broken, but at least she knew Aaron loved her. Knew Aaron would always have a special place in his heart that was all hers.

That could be enough. For so long now it had to be enough. For so long now it was all she had.

She could go back to it if she had to. Couldn't she?

“Grow up.” Claire countered. Though she recognized that Kate had done a lot of growing up in the last few years, she was also the first to notice how much Kate hadn't changed. How though she may not have run from her problems, she still fought to distance herself from them. Still let that self doubt and fear have far too much say in the matter. That undeserved self loathing block out her happiness.

They were both being rather stupid. Claire wondered just how much more time they planned on wasting trying to avoid the inevitable. She had thought that if they had learned anything from their stay on the island, it was that time was short. You never knew just how much of it you would get. That now was the time for grabbing on to the things you loved. For fighting for it. For living. She wondered how long it would take them to realize that every road they had taken, every path and diversion, every mistake, every choice... it all lead back to each other. Time and time again.

He was her 'end of the road.' She was his 'ever after.' They defined 'star-crossed' and put meaning in 'meant to be.' Claire had no doubt that if he walked out of Kate's life now, it wouldn't be long before she bumped into his again. Their connection made her question past lives. It made her believe in things like soul mates and second chances. Certainly not for everyone, but for them... well it just fit. Like a complicated but breathtakingly beautiful puzzle or a stained glass window. Each sharp edge fitting so perfectly, catching the light and sending dazzling spots of laughter and love over everything. They were a goddamn work of art, blessed by a master's touch. A symphony. An eternal flame.

And they were both too blind, or too damn stubborn, to see it.

But maybe that's part of what made the idea of them so beautiful. The knowledge that for the other person's sake, they would deny it all. Just because they wanted each other to be happy. Because they thought the other person deserved better. Because they could be happy with less as long as they had their best friend to share it with.

The passion they shared, unvoiced, was truly something to behold.

Neither one of them was just going to throw that away.

“Tough love, that's a new approach for you.” Kate teased, choosing to ignore the intended message behind Claire's words. Claire rolled her eyes and started toward the living room.

“Well, nothing else has worked. I thought I'd turn over a new leaf.” She tossed over her shoulder as Kate followed her.

“Mommy!” Aaron screamed from the other room, like the house was on fire or his little world was crashing in on itself.

“What the hell?” Kate asked.

“He's angry we're leaving him. He thinks were going to have all kinds of fun without him and he intends to make anything that moves pay for it.” Claire explained.

“To be fair, you are going to have all kinds of fun without him.” Kate smirked.

“You know, sometimes you are just as bad as Sawyer.” Claire groaned. “Ian wanted our first time to be special. I don't feel guilty about leaving my son at home for that.”

“I think I'd worry if you did.” Kate teased.

“Yeah, now if only we could explain that to him. He's been a nightmare today.” Claire sighed. Kate was hoping that after Claire left he would settle down and realize that he could have plenty of fun with her.

“Just think of the story you'll have years down the line when he brings home that special girl...” Kate tried to brighten Claire's mood with her taunting. She didn't deserve to be stressed out on her little get away. “And then there was that one time Ian and I went away for the weekend... He wanted to come, but Ian and I were going to be doing plenty of that and...”

“Yep, just like Sawyer.” Claire rolled her eyes. They really were remarkably alike sometimes.

Aaron came running down the hall but stopped short when he saw Kate, a mean little grin on his face.

“Good, you're here.” He flung his arms around Kate's knees. “She's been so mean to me today. Will you take me home with you? I don't want to live here with her.”

It tore at her heart. The desire to scoop the boy up in her arms and kiss away his pain. The anger at his intentionally cruel words. The pain that flashed across Claire's face and the way she bit at her bottom lip trying not to divulge anything. He got that from her, not from Claire.

That cutting tongue. That undeniable mean streak. The vicious, take no prisoners attitude.

“Aaron!” She scolded and unwrapped his arms from around her knees. “That was uncalled for.”

His face scrunched up in anger. Like his best friend had just betrayed him.

“But...” He stammered, his frustration getting the best of him.

“No.” Kate crossed her arms. She had to be the mean one. Had to make him see that his mother loved him, needed him. That she wouldn't play his little manipulation game. She knew it was her fault he acted this way. Knew that if Claire had kept him he never would have learned how to be so ugly.

Claire hesitated. She knew what Kate was trying to give her, but at times like this she never knew what to do. It made her feel like Kate was the parent. Like Aaron was Kate's disobedient child. Thankfully, Aaron was usually rather well behaved. But it was times like these that made her doubt herself, doubt what they had done. Question if maybe it would have been better to leave him with Kate.

Kate didn't want to overstep her bounds. Wished Claire would step up and demand he apologize or explain why he shouldn't say those kind of things. She wished she would do something. It was always so awkward, it always made her feel ten times worse for taking him in the first place. She knew it bothered Claire. But what else could she do?

“I'm going to go put my stuff upstairs.” Kate spit out suddenly. “Then I'm going to go check on Jane.” She added as she backed down the hall. Perhaps it was better to just leave Aaron with Claire, maybe giving the two of them some privacy would allow Claire to step back into the role of Aaron's mother gracefully. Maybe she could do that right.

She was always in the middle. Between two people who should love and respect each other. Wedged so tightly between what was right. And what for? To steal some of what they had?

She forced the unpleasant thoughts from her head as she leaned over and grabbed her bag. There was no use dwelling on it. It wouldn't change anything.

She didn't listen as she climbed the stairs and Claire's muted voice reprimanded her disobedient son.

 

\---

“I want Daddy!” Jane screeched, her blond pigtails askew, her cherub face red and tear streaked. Aaron snickered mischievously in the corner as he watched Kate struggle to calm the three year old.

Claire and Ian had left twenty minutes earlier. Jane had been screaming non stop since.

“I know, sweetheart.” Kate tried to comfort the girl with a hug but she was having none of it. She squirmed away and stormed to the other side of the living room.

Kate quickly stood to follow the little girl, stepping on one of Aaron's Legos in the process.

“Damn it!” She swore and hopped on one foot, her bare foot throbbing from the nasty little building block. “Aaron, please pick up the toys you aren't playing with.” Kate barked.

“I'm playing with all of them.” He snarked back at her.

He wasn't. It looked like the living room had suffered a small toy explosion. She would think twice before spoiling him with another toy after this; it was obvious he had far too many as it was.

“Aaron.” Her tone was enough of a warning. He grumbled something under his breath and reluctantly moved to start picking up his toys. Kate was debating whether or not to punish him for his attitude or to just be grateful he was doing what she asked him to do when Jane's tantrum climbed to a new level, causing her to forget the matter entirely.

“I want my Daddy, now!” She screamed as she threw herself on the ground and started kicking and pounding the ground.

Kate was at a loss. Aaron had never behaved that way. Sure he had his share of meltdowns, but Kate couldn't remember him throwing himself around like that. And he always stopped when she ignored his fit for a few minutes. Jane was showing no sign of stopping.

Bedtime. It was clearly bedtime.

Kate glanced over to Aaron again. He stopped picking up his toys when she had turned to witness Jane's fit. He was back to playing with his toy in the corner.

“Aaron, what did I tell you?” Kate asked as she walked over to the opposite corner of the room where Jane was thrashing around.

“I did.” Aaron pouted.

“I think it's time to put all of your toys away and get ready for bed.” Kate said sternly as she picked up Jane to stop her from hitting her head against the ground. Jane squirmed trying to get away from her for a minute before wrapping her arms around Kate's neck and muffling her sobs in the fabric of Kate's sweater.

“What? Why!” He demanded as he came to his feet and Kate crossed the room to stand next to him.

“Because it's late and you don't seem to want to behave.” She towered over him hoping her frame would intimidate him into behaving.

“I'll be good. I promise, besides I didn't get my snack yet.” Aaron's bottom lip quivered, and rather than have another crying child Kate decided that a small snack before she made him clean up might be a concession she was willing to give.

“Ok then, let's make a deal. We will go get your snack then afterwards you will come in here and clean up your toys. If you behave and do what I ask you to do without being mean about it, you can play with one toy for half an hour before you have to get ready for bed. Does that sound fair?” Kate asked.

Aaron nodded his head enthusiastically, then raced off to the kitchen.

 

\---

Ten minutes later Jane had finally stopped screaming. She watched with wide eyes as Aaron popped a fruit snack in his mouth. Then tugged on Kate's hair to get her attention, pointing to Aaron with one chubby sticky finger.

“You want some fruit snacks too?” Kate asked.

Jane nodded solemnly and Kate grabbed two packages from the box on top of the fridge. She was going to need some sugar to get through the rest of the night too. She tossed one package on the counter across from where Aaron sat and came around the back of the island with Jane and the other package.

“Aunt Kate, can I have some juice too?” Aaron asked politely. Their deal still fresh on his mind, he had behaved remarkably well. If she could keep them both mellow through snack time, they might have a chance at salvaging the night.

“Yes, you _may_.” She answered as she tugged open the fruit snack package for Jane, sitting her on the stool next to Aaron's and spilling the fruit snacks on the counter in front of her.

It wasn't until Kate had poured Aaron a cup of juice and had turned her back to Jane to find one of Aaron's old sippy cups that disaster struck again.

She heard Aaron's cup hit the counter, heard it roll off the edge and clatter to the floor.

“No!” Aaron yelled. “That's bad! Aunt Kate! Jane spilled my juice!”

Spinning around, Kate took in the picture before her. Aaron was pointing at Jane who sat with wide eyes, caught between tears and giggles as Aaron's juice ran off the edge of the counter.

Kate was praying for giggles, she didn't think her nerves could take another scream fest.

“It's ok Aaron. I can get you some more.” She tried calmly, quickly grabbing the sippy cup from it's hiding place at the back of the cabinet. “Jane's just a little girl. She didn't mean to spill your juice. Right, baby girl?” She finished with a coo to the little girl, who rewarded her with a grin and waved a fruit snack in the air before quickly depositing it in her mouth.

Kate thanked anyone upstairs who might be listening.

“But there is juice on my shirt!” Aaron complained as he pointed to an impossibly small splatter that more was more likely to have occurred as he was drinking from his cup than from Jane knocking over his cup.

“Aaron.” Kate warned again as she finished pouring Jane's juice and snapped the lid on securely before setting it in front of her. He was gearing up for another melt down and she hoped to head it off.

“Fine.” He grumbled and picked up another fruit snack. Part of her wanted to scoop him up and kiss away his troubles, even though she knew it was a ridiculous notion. He had been pushing the limits all night, and he needed some tough love not coddling. But that did nothing to kill the desire.

She sighed as she leaned over and rescued the abandoned cup from the floor. Not envying the mess she would have to clean up as Jane started to smack her hand down in the puddle of juice on the counter repetitively. Giggling at Aaron's irritation.

“Jane. Don't play in the juice.” Kate said gently as she grabbed Jane's wrist mid air, sweeping a rag under her hand and soaking up the mess. The floor under her bare feet was going to be far less fun to clean, she noted as her feet had already begun to stick.

Jane took offense to Kate's grip and ripped her hand free. Her eyes starting to well up again.

“Daddy?” She asked.

Please, no.

Aaron laughed at Jane's discomfort. Kate wanted to smack him as Jane began to wail.

Again.

“You can forget about staying up later.” Kate informed Aaron as she picked up the juice soaked rag and tossed it at the sink.

“That's not fair!” Aaron yelled. Jane screamed louder to be heard over the noise.

“It's plenty fair. You had a choice and you made a bad one.” Then turning to Jane. “It's ok, Jane. Look.” She picked up one of Jane's fruit snacks and tried to distract her by making it fly through the air. Jane paused mid scream to study her and the sound effects she made.

“Can I have some juice now, please?” Aaron pouted and pointed at his empty cup, just as the doorbell rang. Kate glanced at the door and debated running to open it versus staying with the kids.

Jane's eyes flew too the doorway too.

“Daddy?” She asked again.

“Who is it?” Aaron asked.

“How about you guys sit right here and I'll go and find out?” She knew there was no way she could ignore it now, she just didn't know what she was going to do when she came back empty handed and Jane started screaming for her father again.

Maybe she wouldn't have to worry about it, maybe the neighbors had called the cops after all of Jane's excitement. Maybe they had reported her for neglect or something. Which judging by Aaron's determined attitude and Jane's obvious unhappiness, seemed like maybe that wouldn't be such a bad thing.

Kate hurried to the door as the bell rang again. The last thing she needed was both kids running through the house to beat her to the door. She didn't trust them alone for more than two seconds, but she trusted them even less running wild around the house.

Just as she reached the door, Jane let out a high pitched squeal.

Awesome.

“Can I help you with something?” She asked as she flung the door open then yelled over her shoulder. “Aaron, leave her alone!” Then continued as she turned back to the door. “Look I'm kind of in the middle of...” She paused when she took in who was standing on Claire's porch. “...something.”

He smiled and she wanted to kiss him. Instead she grabbed his shirt and pulled him inside.

“How did you know where I was?” She asked desperately, still clawing at his shirt. Sawyer bit back a chuckle. Her hair was pulled out of her face in a lopsided ponytail, wisps escaping like mad. She looked like she had spent the last few hours fighting off Armageddon, her eyes wide as she stared up at him in disbelief. But still beautiful, even in her obviously frenzied state. He was glad he had decided to find her.

They would talk and clear the air and things would go back to normal. He had missed her.

“You told me.” He explained, fighting the urge to pull her close and brush a kiss against her brow, tell her it would be alright now.

“Right. I guess I forgot.” Pretty much everything after he had stormed off. But they had talked about it, she had told him.

Jane let out another angry scream and Kate took off toward the kitchen, Sawyer followed at a more leisurely pace. Noting as he passed the living room, the utter chaos. He could tell she was at her wits end when she answered the door and as he came into the kitchen to see the spilled juice puddling on the floor and Aaron trying to grab something from a rather adorable little girl's clenched fist he could see why.

“Aaron, let it go!” Kate demanded as she stepped up to the fighting kids and tried to pry the little girl's hand free.

“It's mine! She took it!” Aaron yelled back and pointed with a sneer at the girl.

“Let it go.” Her voice was cold and deadly.

“No one ever takes my side. Make her let go.” Aaron demanded. Kate looked about ready to kill the small boy as the angelic looking girl caught in the middle screamed on. She certainly had a pair of lungs on her, he thought as she suddenly appeared a whole lot less cute, her face red and pissed off.

If ever there was a time for intervention it was now. So he stepped up to the counter behind Kate and placed a hand on Aaron's shoulder. Aaron, who had yet to notice they had company, swung his head around quickly.

“Hey Aaron, you're a big boy right?” Sawyer asked as the distracted boy let go of his death grip on the little girl next to him. Kate leaned over and plucked up the little banshee, who only settled in the fact that her ear piercing wails dropped a few decibels.

“Yeah.” Aaron admitted hesitantly, unsure of the direction Sawyer was taking him and the answer that would be most beneficial to him.

“That's what I thought. So how about we go play some big kid games in the other room and leave Aunt Kate and...” He paused.

“Jane.” Kate filled in.

“... and Jane alone.” He finished. Aaron sighed.

“But I want my fruit snack. I was being a good boy and waiting like Aunt Kate said, but she took it!” He tried to explain. Sawyer cast a look at Kate who shook her head to indicate that good was probably not the right adjective for what he was being. It didn't take a rocket scientist to figure that out. Kate's level of frustration had to do with more than spilled juice and a screaming kid who was trying to squirm out of her arms.

“It's ok.” Kate tried to soothe the girl by walking the length of the room.

It was clear that Aaron was not going to let the subject drop. He felt more than righteous in his anger and Sawyer knew they would never hear the end of the fruit snack ordeal if he simply tried to distract him and make him forget it.

“I bet you'd rather have one that Jane didn't touch. I bet she still sucks on her thumb.” He tried to change tactics. It was easy enough to replace a dumb fruit snack.

“She does.” Aaron beamed, like he had accomplished some huge feat by not sucking on his thumb anymore. Sawyer wished his life could be so rewarding some days. He wanted to take the kid aside and tell him it was just a damn fruit snack. Some things weren't so easily replaced when lost.

“Well, I bet she was sucking on it before she took your fruit snack.” Aaron scrunched his face up in thought. His eyes rolling back as if searching his memory for proof of the idea. He seemed to reach the conclusion that she had been as his next words tumbled out in a whisper.

“Do you think it has cooties now?” He asked, clearly concerned for the state of his rouge fruit snack.

“I don't think Jane has cooties.” Sawyer answered, his eyes drifting toward where Kate bounced Jane on one hip. The ear shattering screams mere mumbling sobs now. “... but I bet it's all squished and wet, like it was in her mouth. You still sure you want it?” He asked.

Aaron seemed to ponder it for a moment.

“No. I guess not.” He pouted.

An unopened package of fruit snacks sat on the counter across from them and Sawyer crossed the room and picked it up.

“Here, look. This one will be better.” He promised as he opened the package and spilled a few out on the counter. Picking one up he offered it to Aaron.

“Those are Aunt Kate's.” Aaron objected, shaking his head no.

“I bet Aunt Kate won't mind.” He explained as he popped one of the fruit snacks in his mouth, and slid two more across the counter in front of Aaron.

“I don't know.” Aaron hesitated, eying the fruit snacks like they were gold. “It's not nice to take things that aren't yours.”

And he supposed it was nice to drive your Aunt Kate up the wall. But Aaron did have a point. That was what had gotten them into the mess in the first place.

“You're right, it isn't. But I'll give Aunt Kate some of mine to make up for the ones we took. Does that sound ok?” He asked, as Aaron toyed with one of the fruit snacks. Pushing it around with his finger, his eyes locked on the forbidden fruit.

“We should ask first.” Aaron said solemnly meeting Sawyer's eyes.

He tried not to roll his in response. Like Kate was really going to appreciate being hassled about a fruit snack when she was trying to calm Jane.

“Hey, Freckles.” Sawyer called across the room, his head turning to catch Kate trying desperately not to drop the squirming kid in her arms. Her head shot up as she stepped closer. “Aaron and I are going to borrow some fruit snacks.” He held up her package. “You got a problem with that?”

“Whatever, you got him for a little bit?” She asked and nodded her head toward Aaron.

“Yeah, we're good. Aren't we buddy?” Sawyer patted Aaron on the head and Aaron beamed.

“Yup!” He popped one of the fruit snacks in his mouth with a grin.

“Alright. He can have a bedtime story before bed, but he needs to brush his teeth and be in bed in half an hour.” Kate spit out trying to angle herself so that Jane, who was trying to climb over her shoulder, wouldn't be between them as she instructed Sawyer on Aaron's bedtime rituals.

“Awww, come on Aunt Kate. It's Friday.” Aaron tried to negotiate a later bedtime.

“And you have already gotten away with more than you earned. Don't press your luck.” Kate set Jane down and she lifted her arms up and screamed again, indicating that she wasn't done being held. Sighing she picked the girl up again and left the room.

Aaron turned to Sawyer with puppy eyes.

“Don't look at me kid, Freckles is the boss.” Sawyer held his hands up in surrender.

Aaron pondered it over for a minute as if trying to decide just how much he could push things with his untested Uncle Sawyer. Sawyer dropped his hands and downed the rest of the fruit snacks. Aaron decided that he would play it cool, like Sawyer.

“Ok, can we read the Wonderland story?” He asked.

“Sure, kiddo.”

 

\---

Jane was not a happy camper and Kate was more than glad Sawyer had showed up. Even if it just meant she could separate the two squabbling kids. She had watched both of them before and had never had a problem, most of the time they were delightful, but she couldn't say she was looking forward to a weekend of this. Even with Sawyer's presence.

Which, coincidentally, she was trying her hardest not to think about at all. What did it mean? Was she forgiven? Was Claire right?

Would Jane ever stop fussing so she could talk to him and find out?

Soon after leaving the boys in the kitchen, Kate had found Mr. Rumples, a stuffed rabbit that Claire claimed was Jane's favorite. It had calmed her enough to pry the melted, deformed fruit snack from her hand and had even gotten her upstairs and into her pajamas. Which was no small feat in Kate's eyes.

But as soon as Kate had set her down on Claire's bed to put her down for the night, Jane's little arms shot up to indicate she wanted to be picked up. Kate's heart broke at the way Jane's tired little body shook and her face crumpled as she got ready to kick it back up to overdrive. She felt so utterly helpless and frustrated. A failure. Couldn't even get a three year old to stop crying.

So she had quickly scooped the girl back up and held her to her chest tightly. Jane's arms wrapped around her neck, and Kate bounced in place for a minute or two. Her arms aching at the weight of the child who was really too old to be held. Cautiously, she made her way back to the bed and hesitantly lowered herself to the edge.

Jane screamed.

“Come on, Jane!” Kate cried out in frustration as she stood. “What's wrong now?”

“No bed.” She sniffled.

“But baby, you're sleepy.” Kate brushed back a strand of hair that had got caught in Jane's tears and plastered itself to her face.

“No!”

She wasn't half as cute as she used to be.

“Do you want a story?” Kate tried. Jane shook her head back and forth and wiped her nose on Kate's sweater as she clung tighter.

“What about a song?” Jane didn't object so Kate began to hum, softly swaying from side to side, hoping to lull Jane to sleep.

“Go find Daddy.” Jane murmured.

“Oh sweetie. Daddy will be back later. I promise.”

Jane whimpered softly, her tantrum had drained most of the energy from her.

When Aaron was younger and she was being held for her trial, sometimes Veronica had shown Aaron a picture of her to get him to settle for the night. Kate thought it might be worth a shot and remembered that Claire had a picture of Ian with Jane and Aaron on the fridge downstairs. Her decision made, Kate slowly made her way down the hall.

When they passed Aaron's door however, Jane's whimpers stopped and her head popped up. Kate paused to see what would happen.

Slowly, Jane rested her head on Kate's shoulder and stopped whimpering. Her grip relaxed as her little body followed suit.

It took her a moment to put it together. She had been so focused on the girl in her arms that she had not noticed the soft tones of Sawyer's voice as he read to Aaron.

Smiling she backed down the hall and rested against Aaron's door frame. It figured, once upon a time his voice had soothed Aaron's cries as well. She didn't blame the little girl for one minute. Hadn't Sawyer always been able to ease the worry and remove the fear in her heart as well, with just a few soft words?

Jane sighed heavily, drawing Sawyer's attention. He smiled and nodded his head, gesturing to the girl in her arms. Kate smiled back and rolled her eyes in response.

He returned to his reading.

*“I wonder if I've been changed in the night? Let me think: was I the same when I got up this morning? I almost think I can remember feeling a little different. But if I'm not the same, the next question is, Who in the world am I?”

The words were familiar, and Kate wondered if it was only because the story was one of Aaron's favorites. She herself had read them time and time again. But that wasn't why they stuck with her.

Her mind puzzled over it for a moment as he continued reading, until out of the blue it hit her.

Hard.

And so fast it almost took her breath away.

Jack.

She hadn't thought about him in days. Hadn't wished he was still around. Hadn't felt guilty about his death. He had no place in her mind at all. Not since her conversation with Cassidy.

And now there Sawyer sat, recreating history.

Her first thought was panic.

The sudden urge to stop him. To make him choose a different story.

But as quickly as it seized her heart, his voice melted it away.

No, this was different. They were different. Aaron wasn't her little boy anymore. Sawyer wasn't pretending to be more than he could ever be.

It was a silly little bedtime story. It meant nothing.

That was when the guilt should have come in. Kate waited patiently by the door as Sawyer continued to read. Expecting to feel all kinds of awful about how accepting she was of the situation. About how upset it would have made Jack to see Aaron call Sawyer his uncle.

But it never came.

She couldn't look at the two of them there and feel anything but happy.

Was that wrong?

If she loved Jack, shouldn't she feel bad about Sawyer taking his place?

She wasn't the same woman who stood there years earlier. She knew that. But who was she then? And who was he? Because he wasn't the same man who had left her years before. She wasn't sure he was even the same man who had stormed off on her only days ago.

The thoughts chased themselves around her brain as he read, drowning out the sound, making her dizzy and in desperate need of air.

Who were they?

What did any of it mean?

*"'Who am I then? Tell me that first, and then, if I like being that person, I'll come up: if not, I'll stay down here till I'm somebody else'--but, oh dear!' cried Alice, with a sudden burst of tears, `I do wish they WOULD put their heads down! I am so VERY tired of being all alone here!'” Sawyer's voice turned high and falsetto and Aaron giggled.

Jack would never get this. He would never know this.

Her eyes watered suspiciously, not because she was sad for him. But because for the first time in a long time, she felt it.

Whole.

Enough.

Not alone.

God, was that wrong?

She backed away from the scene slowly as the surprising joy leaked from her eyes.

She needed some space to compose herself. A place to breathe and digest this new discovery.

She was so absorbed in her thoughts, she forgot entirely about the girl now asleep in her arms.

 

 

 

AN: *Alice's Adventures in Wonderland by Lewis Carroll


	19. A New Feeling

_ _

_Whoever made the claim that words could ease the pain_   
_Never watched you fall apart, never put you back together_   
_When you were broken down, into a million pieces_   
_Scattered on the ground_

_Is there somethin' I can do other than being here for you to ease the pain_   
_If I can keep you from fallin', fallin' down'_   
_I'm sorry to sound selfish but I feel so helpless_   
_Is it okay if I stay here with you and cry for awhile_

Is There Something I Can Do?  
 _-Five Star Iris_

 

“Hey.” He whispered softly and she smiled as he came and stood next to her on the porch. She had disappeared halfway through the story and he had been more than a little intrigued as to why.

“Hey.” She whispered back halfheartedly. This was the part of the evening where they actually had to talk to each other. In theory it seemed like a good idea, but with the actual conversation looming overhead she began to wonder if it was such a good idea after all.

She had come outside for air, to escape the memory of Jack and to analyze her lack of guilt over it. The last twenty minutes had been filled with all kinds of questions about what kind of person she was.

He died for her, once upon a time that meant a lot more than it did now. Was that what moving on felt like? Like one minute you don't think you'll ever breath again, then suddenly you find you've been breathing just fine for awhile. Like treading water in fear for your life, then suddenly realizing that you can just put your feet down and stand.

She supposed that it wasn't necessary for her to carry Jack on her back like some ultimate burden. Not forever. She supposed that wouldn't make him happy and it certainly hadn't made her happy.

But she also wondered just what he would say to this. To the fact that it was Sawyer who was keeping her up at night. Sawyer who was drying her tears and making her laugh. Sawyer who was filling her thoughts and free time.

Just what would he say, if he knew that Sawyer had succeeded where he never had? With Sawyer she was happy not just because she was supposed to be. Not because everything was picture perfect. In fact it was quite the opposite, what they had was unconventional to say the least. But she was happy in that way you never realize until something makes you examine it, that subtle unafraid way. No judgment. No second guesses. The kind that saturates every aspect of life and brings peace.

She could find joy in those little things. Something she couldn't quite remember ever doing before, because her mind had always been on something else, like a clock ticking in the background of her life. There was always something to worry or frown about.

Now, not even Jack's death could upset her in the way it used to. It seemed so long ago and far away, just a fading memory of a time part of her never stopped wanting to forget. It was strange. For loving him like she did, there weren't a whole lot of good memories to cling to. Not a bunch of things she even wanted to keep.

So the question she had to ask herself was did that make her an awful person?

In theory she hoped that one day she would have to answer it. That time would heal those festering wounds and she would be able to find someone new to love and build a life with. In reality she figured that would never happen and that she wouldn't ever have to face that question. She never thought that her friendship with Sawyer would put her face to face with it. Never thought that any friendship could.

But here she was, standing on the porch of the house she shared with Jack, holding another man's sleeping daughter and wondering.

Would Jack approve of her new life?

“You disappeared.” Sawyer murmured as he slid up next to her, bumping her lightly with his hip.

Maybe she didn't care whether he would approve or not. Maybe it wasn't any of his business.

“I needed some air.” She admitted, still not looking at him. The crisp night air toyed with a curl and he brushed it from her face, tucked it behind her ear. Jane shivered in her sleep and Sawyer watched Kate clutch her tighter, press her lips to the sleeping girl's head.

He wondered if she was mad at him, if that was what had driven her from the house and away. He hadn't noticed her leave, had just turned around to find her gone. Initially he hadn't been concerned, simply thought that she had taken Jane to bed. But when he searched the house and couldn't find her, he began to worry.

What if he had hurt her so badly that she wouldn't let him back in? Couldn't stand being in the same room with him? When he had first shown up, she had grabbed him and pulled him in, but did that have anything to do with her desire to see him? Or was it simply the actions of a desperate woman in need of some help?

A flash of movement had caught his eye out the kitchen window and he had put his cell back in his pocket before calling to find her. Instead he watched her out the window for a minute before gathering the courage to meet her out in the dark.

He wished she would turn her head and acknowledge him. Validate him. Make him feel like he wasn't just standing on the same porch, but that he was standing with her. But no, she stood still as a statue, one hip resting against his as he faced her. Impossibly close but still so far away.

He could tell winter was in the air as it nipped at her nose, turning her cheeks red, but still she didn't flinch.

 _Talk to me._ He willed her to speak but she refused, her bare toes curled under to find some warmth against the wooden planks of the back porch.

So they stood quietly. He watched her as her mind worked on something, his eyes tracing every line, looking for a clue.

“Look... I think we should talk about what happened the other day.” He broke the silence.

Since when did he want to talk about things, she wondered biting back a smile.

“Do you still miss her? Juliet?” She asked instead as she turned to meet his eyes. There was something almost tragic in her eyes, yet beautifully poignant. Mostly unreadable, yet stirringly so.

“What?” He questioned. She had caught him off guard, distracted him with the moment, and then out of nowhere asked that question.

“Never mind.” She turned away quickly and stood with her back to him for a moment before starting back to the house.

“Wait.” He called after her and she froze in place. Stepping up behind her he placed a hand on her shoulder. “You caught me off guard is all.” He whispered tenderly. Kate turned to face him, looking up at him with such open and honest eyes, he found his tongue tied.

“Sorry if it's none of my business. I just...” She hesitated, bit her bottom lip.

“No, it's okay.” He didn't know how to answer her. Didn't know if he missed Juliet, or if he missed the idea of her. “I don't know. Do you miss Jack?”

She smiled that sad little smile and wandered back over the the railing resting against it, he followed and mimicked her stance.

“When you were reading to Aaron... Jack used to do that. When I saw you two together... I just...”

“It's ok, I understand.” He murmured.

“No.” She shook her head and caught his eyes. “No, I don't think you do. I haven't thought of him in days, James. Before that, I don't know.” She was seeking something from him. Something he didn't think he could give her.

Didn't he have the same doubts? The same fears.

“And you feel guilty about it?” He questioned, that at least was a feeling he was familiar with. That second guessing and feeling like he was a horrible person for moving on with his life. For even contemplating moving on, even when he knew it was what Juliet would want him to do.

For leaving her before she died. Because she was right, part of him had walked out of their relationship the minute Kate came back to the island. It hadn't meant it was a hurdle they couldn't get over, just that they hadn't. Not to her satisfaction.

Part of him would always feel bad about that.

“That's just it. I don't think I do feel guilty about it.” She sighed and buried her face in Jane's hair. He slid his arm behind her and tugged her closer, pulling her in front of him and wrapping them both in his arms from behind he whispered in her ear.

“Maybe that just means you're moving on.”

She smiled and settled more comfortably in his arms. She liked to think he was right, that being with him like this was as right as it felt. There had never been any awkwardness between them when it came to physical affection. Never any trying to find the perfect spot, or guess work.

With Jack the amount of guesswork had been exhausting at times. This was a nice change of pace.

“When Jack and I were together, here... I was relatively happy. But it was a lot harder then this is. I had reasons to be happy back then, things I could fall back on and number. I'm happy because Aaron's happy, or I'm happy because I'm with a great guy. It's different now.” She mumbled as his lips pressed lightly against the side of her neck, in that little hollow behind her ear. Not like a kiss, more like he was resting there to stay warm. Innocent.

“How... how is it different?” He breathed her in, let her settle in all those empty holes. All the places that doubted and were filled with guilt.

“I don't know. I mean, life isn't perfect... at times this is harder than anything I've ever had to face before. But I don't have to fall back on numbered reasons anymore. I wake up and I am happy. It wasn't like that with Jack. I think we both wished it would be, but we never got there. I don't know if it was because I didn't let him in or if it was because I knew he wasn't as invested as I was. In the end, I think we just made each other miserable. Part of me always resented him for being that guy... The one who always wanted more than I could give him. And I think part of him resented me for being so ready to live a lie.” She sighed. “I think we both knew it was only a matter of time. Only a game we played. Even if we did both love each other, sometimes it just isn't enough.”

“Sometimes I felt like what Juliet and I had would last forever, then other days it felt like we were both playing house, waiting for it to all fall apart. In the beginning especially. I couldn't believe she would want to be with someone like me. But after awhile... I don't know, it just seemed like there wasn't any other way to be. I couldn't imagine any of it changing. We were happy. Neither one of us expected to ever leave.” He held her tighter. “But we lived in fear, too. Afraid that one day one of us would slip up, or that someone would find out that we didn't exist in the real world. Every minute we had back then was stolen. I guess it all had to somehow end eventually. It was nice to believe that it wouldn't, though. To think that maybe we could live the rest of our lives minus the bullshit the island and our lives had been throwing at us for years.”

Kate murmured her agreement with a slight nod. She knew that feeling all too well.

“I guess coming out if it now—finally being on the other side—what Juliet and I had back then was a lot like what I have now. Only now I don't have to lie on a daily basis about who I am, or why I'm here. That, and she isn't here to share it with me. Most days that doesn't hurt so much. I have more now than what I had back then in a lot of ways. But it doesn't mean I don't miss her sometimes.”

He was surprised she had given him so much insight on what she was feeling. Even more surprised that he had opened up to her as well.

“Look...” She turned to face him, Jane trapped between their bodies, his hands resting lightly on the small of her back. “I know we don't talk about Jack or Juliet often. But I think maybe we should... sometimes. I don't want to step on your toes, and I don't want to repeat what happened the other day. But I think maybe it's good for us. I know it might be for me... I just...”

She struggled to find the right words to say. To let him know that she appreciated his desire to share. That she wouldn't push him, but that she was honored that he was willing to tell her so much about the life she never knew.

Part of her always felt that she had missed out on something. All those years spent apart, living separate lives, she couldn't help but wonder what his had turned out like. In quiet moments, especially when she was numbering those things that had made her happy, she couldn't help but wonder if he numbered his things too.

“It's nice to know you aren't alone.” He supplied for her. She smiled.

“Yeah, something like that. It's just that if anyone can understand, it's you. It always has been.”

He smiled back. She had that right. They were two of a kind, always had been and always would be. Mirroring each other's lives in so many ways. Fighting the same fights. Meeting the same people. She was wrapped up in his life long before he even met her, just as he influenced hers before they'd crossed paths. It was a strange small world that they lived in.

If he knew nothing else, it seemed that despite all odds, that world seemed to want them revolving around each other in some capacity or another. A fact he was coming to find more and more agreeable every day. He could no longer imagine his life without her in it. Something he had no problem doing two years ago.

And while that used to scare him, he had reached a certain level of agreement with it. A sort of status quo. An inner peace. It was something that wasn't going to change, and he could waste all his time and energy fighting it. Or he could just go with it and let it take him where it would.

She was his best friend, despite everything. She was his wingman. One of the guys. But she was also his ideal. All messed up and broken, he could not find another woman who measured up to his standards quite like she did. And as Juliet faded more with each day, she was the kind of woman he could picture himself building a life with.

“What are we still doing out here? I'm freezing my tail off.” he teased, not quite ready to face what all of it meant. She stepped away and cast a look behind him.

“Still there.” She teased as she started to back toward the house.

“Good thing. A number of women would be disappointed otherwise.” He smirked, glad to see her smiling again. There was something about her grin that was infectious, and he found he couldn't help the corners of his mouth as they moved to mirror hers.

She felt good about it. Sure they had not solved all their issues, but she had a feeling that things would be different now. That something had changed in him, or in her. Maybe it was both of them. All she really knew was that he wasn't leaving; he wanted to work through things too. He wanted to be in her life because she was important to him. They were important to him.

“If you don't watch where you're going, you're gonna trip.” He cautioned as he followed after her.

“I'll be fine. I could probably manage blindfolded.” She rolled her eyes.

The way he was smiling made her question the logic in turning her back to him. It had been two days since he had tugged on her figurative pigtails, and she knew him well enough to know that he had something up his sleeve. His fingers knew all of her ticklish spots, and with the way he was quickly closing the distance between them and the almost predatory gleam in his eyes... It was better to watch him then be surprised by his fingers or any other certainly nefarious plan of his.

“That's why you're backing into that chair?” He pointed and she stopped moving and cast a look over her shoulder. A large empty space greeted her.

“What are you talking about?” She asked as she turned her head back to meet him.

But it was too late. In those few precious seconds he had made his move and slid up beside her. Wrapping his arms around her waist, he wove them under Jane so that they locked securing her in his grip from behind.

“What do you think you're--” He lifted her off her feet and she almost lost her grip on Jane.

“Hey! Cut it out. You're gonna make me drop her.” She objected as she secured Jane against her.

“I missed you.” He admitted. “Especially that condescending little thing you do.” He let himself enjoy the way she felt flush with him, her body molding naturally against his.

“Put me down. And I don't do any little condescending thing. What are you? Two?” She wasn't too upset with him, it had been forever since someone had held her so tightly. It didn't hurt that it was him doing the holding either.

“Not until you admit you missed me.” He goaded her, he knew she wasn't objecting to the situation and didn't need the confirmation either. The way she relaxed into him said it all. But he didn't want to let go yet. Didn't ever want to let go.

“You are two. Fine, I missed you. Now will you put me down.” She deadpanned. A secret smile lighting up her features, she was grateful he couldn't see her countenance.

Reluctantly, he set her down and pinched her backside before backing away.

“Hey!” She let out as she spun around to face him. That was not okay. Trust Sawyer to take advantage of the situation. Still, she could play the game as well as he did.

“I was checking to make sure your tail end was still attached.” He answered boyishly, to her playful glare. “Don't worry, it is. Which is also a very good thing. It would be a shame for a tail end like yours to fall off. Men everywhere would object loudly.”

She rolled her eyes and he laughed.

“Stop talking about my ass and get in the house. I'm cold.” She ordered as he opened the door. He turned back to face her one last time.

“Oh, and blindfolded? I didn't know you were so kinky.” He tossed out before disappearing into the house at a speed she couldn't copy while carrying Jane.


	20. An Old Dream

_You and I have something different_   
_And I'm enjoying it cautiously_   
_I'm battle scarred, I am working oh so hard_   
_To get back to who I used to be_

_He's disappearing_   
_Fading steadily_   
_I'm so close to being yours_   
_Won't you stay with me_   
_Please_

_Near to you, I am healing_   
_But it's taking so long_   
_'Cause though he's gone_   
_And you are wonderful_   
_It's hard to move on_   
_Yet, I'm better near to you._   
_Yet, I'm better near to you._

Near To You  
 _-A Fine Frenzy_

 

 

 

She smiled as the door closed behind her and Sawyer stood leaning against the kitchen counter waiting for her.

“I thought you knew me better than that, Tex. Blindfolded is cake.” She chirped as she walked past the counter and headed toward the stairs to put Jane down for the night. “And before you ask... Vanilla is nice, but not exactly my flavor. Or yours.” She tossed over her shoulder as she started down the hall and he followed.

“I haven't forgotten.” He practically growled as memories of some of their more adventurous explorations filled his mind.

Kate hid her smile in Jane's soft hair, breathing in her baby scent and squeezing her closer. Part of her longed desperately to fill the void in her left by Aaron. It ached to hold a child of her own.

Before Wayne came into her life she had been a different person. Always a tomboy, part of her would rather climb a tree than play house, but it didn't change the facts. Another part of her would always ache for what Claire had, a family of her own. Even as a child she had expected that one day that would be hers. It was just the natural order of things.

She had grown up a good Catholic girl in the world's eyes. Had maintained her straight A's and until Sam had left and Wayne had moved in, had been raised attending mass every Sunday. Part of that had been ingrained in her from before she could walk or talk. Killing Wayne hadn't changed that, it couldn't.

The only thing it had changed was her belief that she deserved anything good. The idea that she could be successful at those things, had become obliterated and replaced with the guilt of knowing that she would never be as good as anyone else. She was tainted, genetically and emotionally.

The apple never fell all that far from the tree. A fact she had proven by killing Wayne. She had a dark well of violence in her. One that had lurked just under the surface for years, bubbling steadily until it spilled over. Just like her father, or perhaps more deadly. To her knowledge, Wayne hadn't killed anyone.

And so she had put those dreams in a box and locked them away. A nice house, a good husband, 2.5 children and a dog. The American Dream in a nutshell. Every once in awhile she would pull the box out, dust it off and look at her dreams again. Think maybe this time.

But every time she tried to fit into those dreams, the distorted and twisted image that stared back at her had her shedding them quickly and locking them back up to collect more dust. With Kevin she had tried to be the perfect wife, to start from scratch and make everything right again. The idea that she could be pregnant with his child had crashed her game of pretend then. Of knowing that she could never be the woman he wanted because she was only pretending.

Then with Aaron. Trying to be the perfect mother, all the while knowing that his mother was on that island. Missing him. Loving him. The more time she spent with Aaron, the more she knew just how Claire had felt. How much it hurt to look at him and know that he wasn't hers and never really would be. But the unbearable thought of losing him, of having to lock that dream back up because it too was based on a lie, took part of her soul with it.

With Jack she had tried for everything. Had gone all out and put on every dream she thought she wanted only to find that she could not fit into any of them, and though he tried, he didn't fit into them either. She couldn't say who had removed those dreams and put them back in the box, perhaps it had been both of them.

However, every time she tried to make her dreams fit her, she learned something new. Not only about her dreams, but about herself. She couldn't make those dreams fit because they weren't the right ones. She couldn't build a dream from a lie. And she couldn't take someone else's dream. She couldn't pick up the scraps of someone else's life and try to build hers out of the leftovers. She had to find her own way or none of it would last.

What she wanted, to live a relatively normal life, to love like everyone else. For things to finally be enough. They weren't unrealistic notions. And they weren't things that she didn't deserve. She had had bits and pieces of them and more. But they were things that weren't just handed out, they had to be earned, fought for or they meant nothing.

And though Jane might not have been her daughter, she could now say that she hoped one day to have a child of her own. To fill her arms with a little person who she loved unconditionally. Not to fill the void that had been left in her, but because she wanted to love something. She wanted to nurture and care for something. To know that she could create something beautiful. Something special. Precious and rare. To do so would be to rise above all that had chained her down for years. It would finally prove what killing Wayne hadn't.

That biology didn't define you. That she was something good. That everyone could be.

Perhaps it was still selfish, but she couldn't fault herself for being able to dream again. For no longer wanting to run from the idea.

One thing was certain though, if she ever had the opportunity to be a mother again, she would never let her child feel like they weren't enough. She would never let her child wonder if it was loved. It would know.

Sawyer watched as Kate slid into Claire's room, he hesitated in the doorway.

He wondered how she could do it. How she could walk into the room she had shared with Jack like it was nothing. Part of him was more than glad he would never have to see the island again. That there was no house of memories to haunt him almost daily.

Kate bent and struggled to pull back the blankets and he rushed in to help her.

“Thanks.” She murmured as he backed out of the way and she set the sleeping girl down. Gathering the blankets around her and tucking her in, she leaned down and pressed a kiss to the sleeping girl's forehead.

Though he had never wanted a child, not with Cassidy or with Juliet, he had to admit there was something more than attractive about the way Kate mothered children that weren't even her own. The caring, nurturing side of her had always been present, even if she had done her best at times to deny it.

He had always found it sad that she could never see that. Never see just how much part of her always wanted to help and heal. He had been her project once. It had pissed him off, her expectations, her desire that he be more. Pissed him off until she made him want it too.

She always saw through everyone's crap. Saw the person underneath it all and tried to brush the grime away so that everyone could see it too.

But she had always seen herself as lacking. As tainted and unforgivable. Perhaps it was her higher than average expectations that clouded her own self image. Or maybe it was years of neglect. Of no one telling her just what she was. Of no one taking any interest in helping her brush away her own grime so she could shine too.

She brushed one hand down Jane's cheek, tenderly whispering goodnight.

He could imagine her there, standing over her own daughter, and it started something burning inside. The idea that some lucky bastard would share this with her. Knowing that some other man would watch her stomach swell, feel the life they created together kick inside of her womb. Part of him wanted to be that lucky.

To build a life with her. To fill his arms with their children. With her.

To spend every night like this. Watching her tuck them in. Kiss away their tears. Whisper sweet nothings. Then take her back to their room and try again.

But he knew he wasn't ready for that. They weren't ready for that.

Something lasting needed a strong foundation. Something like that took time and dedication. Things he wasn't against, but also things that didn't happen overnight.

He wasn't ruling the possibility out anymore. But he also wasn't sold on the idea that they could be successful at it. Not when he was still fighting with himself about Juliet. She deserved more than half a commitment. They deserved more.

If they did this, it couldn't be halfway. He couldn't just dip his feet and try them on for size. Not after everything they had been through together. He wanted to come to her clean of all doubt. He wanted her to know he was all in.

She deserved it. Deserved someone who loved her, every twisted beautifully broken part. Someone who saw the jewel she hid from the world. Who wanted to make her just as happy as she would make them. As they stood together in the room she shared with another man, he knew that if he couldn't give her those things, he didn't deserve her.

If he couldn't be the man she could rely on. If he couldn't be the one she turned to with all of those little things she kept secret. If he couldn't tell her all those things she desperately needed to hear from him. Then he had to tell her. He had to be a man and tell her that he couldn't be her stand in. Tell her that she deserved this kind of life. That she deserved a better man.

He loved her too much to play those games again. To offer only part of himself to her. To pretend that she didn't mean so much.

It was ironic that the one thing that held her back all those years ago, the one thing that he had hated her for, the one thing that he thought she would never let go of, was the one thing that could kill their chance now. Only this time it was his fault. He was the one who loved two people. Who couldn't let go. And instead of making him feel bad about it, instead of fighting with him about it, instead of demanding he let go, she understood. She waited patiently.

She loved him anyway.

When she turned to face him after putting Jane down for the night he was wearing a sad smile and a distant look.

“What?” She questioned.

“Motherhood is a good look for you, Freckles.” He said softly and brushed a stray strand of hair behind her ear.

“I'm probably a mess.” She blushed and tried to right her crooked ponytail.

“No. Leave it.” He murmured and grabbed her wrist, tousled her hair a little with his free hand.

She rolled her eyes and pulled her wrist free from his grip.

“Come on, you're gonna wake up Jane. And if you do, she is all yours.” She said before she walked past him and out the door.

She smiled to herself as she made her way to the kitchen.

Something had changed.

She couldn't put her finger on it, but he was different. Maybe it was their conversation on the porch. Maybe it was because they had talked about that forbidden topic. Maybe it was because he came back. But something was shifting between them.

For a minute, in the bedroom, she thought he would kiss her. And for a minute, she thought she might let him.

If he wanted, she might give in. She might try and make it work with him this time. She might forget all the reasons they shouldn't and remember all the things that said they should.

When he was like that, when he looked at her like she was priceless. Like she was his. Like he couldn't believe he was so lucky. She almost believed they could work. Almost believed that he was the only one who could make all those childhood fairy tales seem just a little more real. Just a little less fiction. That happy life almost within her reach.

He made her believe.

In things like redemption and hope. In things like him, like them.

In second chances.

And it felt good. She couldn't hide the smile, her stomach a jumble of energy. Her skin tingling in anticipation. Something good was coming, she could feel it.

Spilled juice, screaming kids, toys strewn across the house all felt like the perfect backdrop.

God, she was nuts. She laughed to herself as she picked up the sticky rag she had thrown at the sink.

“What's so funny?” He asked as he came into the kitchen and she turned on the sink to rinse out the rag.

“Nothing.” She smiled as he picked up Jane's sippy cup and Aaron's juice cup in the other hand.

“You're losing it, sweet cheeks.” He teased as he set the cups in the sink and she draped the wet rag over the faucet and then bent over and opened the cupboard under the sink. Dropping to her knees she stuck her head in the cupboard and dug around, her answer muffled by the material separating them.

“I'd like to see how you'd fare with the two of them.” He smiled and stared at her cute little butt as she hunted under the sink for something. He probably wouldn't have lasted two minutes with the two of them, they both knew that.

“What are you looking for?” He asked after a minute.

“This!” She beamed as she sat back on her knees and waved a sponge above her head, brandishing it like a winning lottery ticket.

“You gonna scrub the floor now, Cinderella?” He teased as she picked up a bottle of surface cleaner and came to her feet.

“Nope.” She shoved the sponge and bottle at him. “You are.”

“And what if I don't want to?” He questioned as he folded his arms across his chest.

“Tough luck. You ate my fruit snacks.” She smirked.

“Least I asked.” He grumbled as he took the cleaner and the sponge.

“Only because Aaron made you.” She taunted as she found another package of fruit snacks and he wet the sponge in the sink. Pulling herself up to sit on the counter she opened the package, popped a fruit snack in her mouth, and watched him get down on his hands and knees to scrub the sticky juice mess off the floor.

“I didn't think you'd mind.” He muttered.

“I didn't. But this is fun. Watching you scrub the floor while I sit back and do nothing. Hey, could you bring me a beer when you get done with that?” She smirked, kicking her legs back and forth like a little girl.

“You have legs. Get it yourself.” He grumbled with good humor.

“You don't make a very good housewife.” She criticized from her spot on the counter.

Smiling, he stood and threw the wet sponge at her. It left a sloppy wet stain on her shirt where it hit her and then bounced to the floor, her mouth dropped open in shock.

“Hey!” She objected loudly.

“Hey nothing. Gimme one of those.” He demanded as he stepped up to the counter and rested between her legs. She pulled the package away and held it high above her head.

“Nope. These ones are mine. I touched them all. And what if I have cooties? We wouldn't want you catching them.” She crinkled her nose quite adorably as he half heartedly tried to reach her fruit snacks with one hand, his other resting naturally on her thigh.

“Freckles. Lets be reasonable here.” He dropped his hand to her other thigh and squeezed. “That argument is not going to work. I know you don't have cooties or suck on your thumb...” Clearing his throat he leaned a little closer, his thumbs drawing circles on the inside of each thigh. “...besides that, my tongue and yours have been intimate with each other and various other body parts many times, so you could stick them all in your mouth and I would still have no qualms about rescuing them.”

His eyes were dark and dangerous, but she could not tear hers from them. Swallowing the lump of lust rising in her throat, she shifted slightly on the counter and brought her face the slightest bit closer to his.

“And how would you go about rescuing them?” She whispered. He smiled and slid his hands just a little higher.

“By whatever means necessary.” He whispered back.

“I don't believe you.” She raised an eyebrow and rested her empty hand on his, brushing her thumb along the back of his hand in an almost hypnotic manner. Her other hand rested behind her back, fruit snacks almost forgotten in the heat that radiated between them.

“I'll prove it if you'd like.” He wanted to kiss her. Wanted to pull her to the edge of the counter and show her just how much he missed her soft small body pressed against his.

She wanted him to prove it. Wanted him to close that last little bit of space between them and have his way with her. Missed his warm skin against her cheek, the sound of his heart so comforting under her ear.

Smiling she dumped the whole bag in her mouth and locked her lips tight, hoping he would take her up on the challenge. Leaning in he contemplated parting her lips with his tongue as he hovered close enough to feel her short little breaths brush his skin, his nose bumping hers lightly.  
The phone rang before he could act, causing them both to jump. The moment lost, he tickled her sides instead and as laughter burst from her mouth, so did the fruit snacks.

“Lovely, Freckles. Lovely.” He grinned as he rolled his eyes at her.

“Sorry.” She giggled as she picked up the phone on the counter next to her. “Pick those up?” She questioned as she placed the phone to her head and greeted the caller with a hello as she slid off the counter and walked a few steps away from the mess. He rolled his eyes as he picked up the soggy fruit snacks and threw them in the trash, then went over to the sink to wash his hands.

“Yeah, Jane had a bit of a fit, but they're both in bed now. How are things there?” Kate teased over the phone and Sawyer slipped up behind her and yelled his greeting at the phone.

“Hey, Claire. The kids are fine. Go get laid.” Kate tried not to laugh as she swatted him away from the phone.

“Yeah, he stopped by. I'll tell him... I will too... Now? Why? Fine.” Kate turned her head toward Sawyer. “Claire says to take your own advice.”

Sawyer laughed as he leaned back against the counter and held his hand out for the phone.

“He wants to talk to you.” Kate informed Claire as she stepped in front of Sawyer. He hooked an arm around her waist and pulled her up next to him so that he could hear what Claire was saying as well.

“Why does he want to talk to me?” Claire asked.

“So he can tell you to stop stalling and get on with it already.” He answered and Kate giggled, more than happy to share the phone with him if it meant his hand would continue to rest low on her waist, his fingers toying with her sweater. She switched the phone to her right hand and let her left hand rest on top of his, stilling his fingers and twisting with them, unaware of the movement.

“I'm not stalling.” Claire protested. “I'm calling to check in.”

“And Ian is sitting in the other room waiting for you? I'm sure he's eager to know that his little girl is sleeping peacefully. Why don't you go run and tell him and see if maybe he's more interested in the girl who is avoiding him by sitting on the phone with her girlfriend?” Sawyer suggested.

“Hmm. See I thought I was being interrogated by my girlfriend's boyfriend.” Claire snarked back.

“I can see when I'm not wanted. I shall leave you two ladies alone. But Claire, seriously, just go for it. He loves you. I'm gonna go clean up the small explosion in the living room anyway. You didn't care for anything in there did you, Mamacita? Aaron did quite a number on it.”

“What do you mean by explosion?” Claire asked.

“It's nothing. Just some toys. He's trying to work you up.” Kate explained as she pushed at Sawyer's chest with an annoyed look. He didn't budge, simply stuck his tongue out at her. She rolled her eyes.

“Well if Ian isn't going to, someone might as well.” Sawyer taunted loudly, noticing for the first time the way his thumb rubbed circles on her hand as they shared the phone. He was reluctant to leave her side, but knew that Claire needed some alone time with Kate. “Don't do anything I wouldn't.” He tossed out and slowly slipped his hand from Kate's, stepping away with a wink.

“Which isn't much.” Kate added and Sawyer grinned as he backed out of the kitchen.

She missed him almost immediately, but pushed the thought to the back of her mind as Claire interrogated her for the next fifteen minutes about what had happened and why he was there, then spent the next ten rubbing in the fact that she was right and that Kate had nothing to worry about. Not long after that Ian had come and taken the phone from Claire, telling Kate that Claire would be unavailable for the remainder of the night. She had hung up with a smile and then wandered out of the kitchen to find Sawyer.

Sawyer had taken the opportunity to start on the living room and the minefield of toys it housed. Finding an overturned plastic bin in the corner, he began picking up toys and tossing them in. It hadn't taken him long so when he was finished, he flicked the TV on and turned the lights off, sitting spread out on the couch.

“You're a miracle worker.” Kate sighed as she sat down next to him on the couch; he wrapped his arm around her and pulled her close.

“Nah, that's you. How's Claire?” He asked as he flipped the channels mindlessly. She smiled and grabbed the remote from his hand pausing on a romantic comedy.

“She's good. Ian came and took the phone from her.” He watched her out of the corner of his eye looking for some sign. It came in the form of her placing the remote on the ground. “I love this movie.” She smiled at him then grabbed his arm and cuddled closer, returning her attention to the screen.

“I thought you didn't like chick flicks.” He tested the water carefully. He knew she didn't watch any movie that had the potential for tears, and from what he could remember of this one it ended for most women in a blubbering fest.

“I don't.” She said simply. “Haven't watched one since... well in a really long time.” She turned to her head to face him. “Is it alright if we watch it? I mean, if it's not, we can change the channel.”

His heart nearly broke at the longing in her eyes. That yearning for him to accept this part of her. Hell, he welcomed it. Felt fucking honored that she wanted to share it with him. That he was her first in as she put it... a really long time.

“Course it is, Freckles.” She smiled then turned back to face the tv.

And so they watched. She was enthralled with the movie, but he found his eyes straying to her cataloging each emotion as it crossed her face. As predicted, the last twenty minutes left her in tears but she didn't try to hide them from him. She even turned to him as the credits started to roll and wrapped her arms around his neck, murmuring something about how stupid she was, apologizing.

He ran his fingers through her hair, pressed his lips to her forehead and whispered comforting words. He couldn't believe that she was so open, so trusting, so unlike he had ever seen her. It made him feel guilty. In that moment he knew that if she had a notebook full of scribblings about Jack, she would tell him. So he held her closer.

As the next movie started playing she spread out on the couch next to him, tugging him down behind her and pulling his arm under her head for a pillow. The couch barely wide enough to hold them both, he wrapped his arm around her waist and pulled her tightly against him as the TV lit up the dark room.

“Freckles.” He whispered some time later, his breath tickling her ear.

“Hmm?” She murmured, he could tell she was drifting in and out of consciousness.

“I'm sorry.” His words caught her attention and her eyes flew open.

“What for?” She asked, barely believing he had used those words at all. Apologizing was something he just didn't do, she thought they had moved past it. 'I'm sorry,' were two words she never thought she would hear from him, so when he used them, she listened.

“The other day. Everything.” He buried his nose in her neck, brushed his lips against her skin as he continued. “For hurting you.”

She tried to turn to face him but he held her fast.

“It's ok.” She murmured softly, her fingers playing lightly on the arm that held her.

“It's not, but it's sweet of you to think that. The fact of the matter is that I'm just not ready to talk about it. About the writing.” He hesitated a moment. “I'm not sure I ever will be. I thought you deserved to know that.”

Wrapping her fingers with his she gave his hand a squeeze.

“I know. I'm sorry for pushing. Thank you... for coming back. I was afraid that you...”

“Nah Freckles, I'm done running away.” He whispered against her neck. “You're stuck with me. Now go to sleep.”

And so she did with him following her not long after, the TV playing in the background casting light on their tangled limbs.


	21. A New Dream

_Stay here / And we can start again_   
_And we can be made over / You'll hear us shouting_

_When you gonna wake up? When you gonna wake up?_

_Scared / Well everyone gets scared_   
_Just signal when your ready / And angels hands seem so steady / Seem so steady_

_Wait now / Tell me that this isn't over_   
_Hang on / Just long enough_

_If this is heaven / Or if it's just a warning_   
_Say you will stay with me / Even if it's just til' morning_

_If this is over / Then why is it so hard?_   
_Just say you will stay with me / One more night_

_If your running / From your secrets_   
_I will make you take them with you_   
_I am ready / I can take it_   
_You don't have to carry them alone_   
_There's a way out / If you want it_   
_To an end or a new beginning_   
_You just have to find it on your own..._

Until Morning  
 _-Dashboard Confessional_

 

When she woke the next morning she was tangled in Sawyer's arms and legs with the face of a curious three-year-old just inches away.

“What are you doing?” Jane asked as Kate blinked back the sleep and Sawyer groaned, tightening his grip on her and burying his nose in her hair. Her arm returned the gesture, pressing his into her stomach as her fingers skimmed across his skin.

“Sleeping. What are you doing?” She fired back, one hand rubbing at her eyes.

“Making breakfast.” Jane smiled and held up a bowl full of... well, Kate wasn't entirely sure, but as she looked down at Jane's creation, her eyes caught a trail of white powder leading from Jane's feet to the edge of the room and probably down the hall to the kitchen. Suddenly feeling a lot more awake.

Groaning, she closed her eyes and started to untangle herself, loathe to leave her surprisingly comfortable resting place and find just what kind of disaster waited for her in the other room.

“What? What's going on?” Sawyer asked groggily as he felt her shift and pull free from his grip, her nice warm body suddenly missing.

“Jane's making breakfast.” Kate explained. Sawyer rubbed his eyes and nodded. Kate smiled as she waited for her words to sink in, watching as he ran a hand through his hair, adorably displaced from sleep. He reminded her of Aaron, just waking from a nap, all content and relaxed.

“Wait! What!” He shot up and Kate chuckled as she stood.

“You heard right. I'm going to go see what the kitchen looks like.” Then turning to Jane she continued. “Hey sweetie, why don't you show Sawyer what you've made? I bet he'd love to see.”

“Okay.” She grinned and shoved the bowl onto the couch next to Sawyer, struggling to climb up next to him. “See.” She smiled.

“What is it?” He asked as she climbed onto his lap with the bowl, almost spilling it a time or two in the process. Sawyer's hand catching it and tilting it back up both times.

“Pancakes. Silly.” She rolled her eyes and Kate laughed as she exited the room, trying not to step on the little white trail in the process.

The kitchen was, as predicted, a mess. Kate sighed as she rescued the vacuum from the hall closet and began to get rid of the trail of what she now knew was flour. She had to give Jane credit for at least knowing what went into making pancakes... well except for the garlic powder and oregano.

Aaron found her on her hands and knees a few minutes later in the hall with the vacuum cleaner hose trying to remove the mess.

“I'm hungry.” He grumbled, rubbing at his eyes.

“I know.” Kate sighed as she flipped off the vacuum and Sawyer came out of the living room with Jane, who was giggling in delight as Sawyer swung her upside down, the bowl of 'pancakes' nowhere in sight.

“I was thinking, Freckles. Ophelia is probably getting pretty hungry and anxious to get out of the apartment. Why don't we take the kids out for breakfast? We could stop by and grab Ophelia on the way.” He suggested and she had to admit that it sounded like a brilliant idea, excluding the mess.

“Except that we can't leave this mess. The kitchen isn't as bad as in here, but...” Kate gestured to the line of flour that trailed from halfway down the hall to the couch.

“Not a problem.” He set Jane down and reached for Kate's hand. “You go get the kids dressed and I'll work on this.” She took his hand and he tugged her to her feet, then handed him the vacuum hose.

“Ok.” She was not about to turn down his offer of cleaning up the mess. Especially if she was going to get food out of the deal as well. “Hey, if you find the bag of flour...” She started out, it was the one item that appeared to be present everywhere but where it was intended to be, and she had yet to locate the source.

“It's in the living room under the coffee table. I'll grab it when I get this cleaned up.” He tossed out casually.

“You are a lifesaver. Remind me never to do this without you.” Kate beamed.

He smiled, finding the thought of doing something like this with her wasn't so bad after all.

Aaron's eyes followed his 'aunt' and 'uncle' suspiciously. He was no stranger to the way they were acting, it was an awful lot like his mom and Ian did. He wasn't so sure what that meant, but he knew enough to know that it deserved some investigation.

“I think that might make your future husband a little jealous.” Sawyer teased, enjoying Kate's little eye roll as she turned away from him. Placing her hand on Jane's shoulder, she led the small girl down the hall toward the stairs.

“Come on, let's go get dressed.” She murmured to the little girl, then tossed a look over her shoulder at the boys. “Aaron?”

“I'll be up in a minute. I wanna ask Uncle Sawyer a question.” Aaron smiled back at Kate reassuringly and she nodded her agreement, then disappeared with Jane up the stairs.

“So, whadya wanna know, kid?” Sawyer asked, flipping the vacuum cleaner back on and getting back to work on the spill. Aaron studied him quietly for a minute then flipped the vacuum back off.

“Aunt Kate likes you a lot.” He started out.

“And I like Aunt Kate a lot.” Sawyer admitted freely, uncertain where Aaron was going with things.

“Who is Ophelia and why is she staying at your house?” He demanded, placing his hands on his hips. “Is she your...” He hesitated. “...girlfriend?” His nose scrunched up in disgust. Sawyer tried not to laugh. A five year old in superhero pajamas was giving him the interrogation usually reserved for fathers and brothers. It struck him that Kate had no father or brother to question him. It was fitting that Aaron would step in, even if it was completely unnecessary and a bit surprising that he understood enough of what was going on to be concerned.

“No, this is my fault for not letting you meet her earlier. Your Aunt Kate and I had planned on bringing her by sooner, but we never got around to it.” He couldn't resist a little teasing, especially over something so silly. Aaron was going to love Ophelia just as much as the girls did, and he would quickly forget any concern once he met her.

“Do you like her? Like you like Aunt Kate?” Aaron's little voice questioned with complete soberness.

“Not quite the same way, but yes, I guess I do like her.” Sawyer answered back with the same level of sincerity. Aaron would accept no less from him.

“I like it when Aunt Kate is around you. She laughs a lot and she smiles too. I think she is happy when she is with you, and I don't want Ophelia to make her sad.”

For a minute Sawyer almost cracked and let the secret spill that Ophelia was a dog. But there was something touching in the little boy's affections for his once mother. The way that he still watched her, and noticed those emotions that Kate tried so hard to hide from him. His desire that she find happiness. They spoke volumes about how much the boy truly cared for her, and Sawyer couldn't blame him one bit for it.

“You have nothing to worry about, sprout. Aunt Kate loves Ophelia. In fact, when she is around Ophelia, sometimes I get jealous.” He admitted freely. Aaron would never rat him out, and it would soothe the troubled expression on the boy's face.

“You do?” He asked, his eyes going wide in astonishment. Like he couldn't picture Sawyer being jealous over anything.

“Yeah, they always take all of each other's attention. What am I supposed to do?” Sawyer threw his hands up and shrugged.

“Wow. She must be pretty cool then. I mean, you're... you.”

The absolute awe in Aaron's voice was hard to ignore. A smile twitched at the corner of his lips, for the undeserved amazement the little boy seemed to carry. He couldn't really remember a time when he felt that way about anyone, though he imagined he must have at one time. All kids did. Part of growing up meant losing it. That blind devotion, almost hero worship, of adults. Regardless of if it was actually deserved. That wide eyed innocence that made you think twice about what you said, made you never want to destroy that illusion.

“Oh, she is.” He offered gently. “Why don't you run upstairs and get dressed so we can go over and I can introduce the two of you?”

“Ok.” He beamed then turned toward the stairs and was halfway down the hall before Sawyer could say anything more.

“Oh, and Aaron?” He called out.

“Yeah?” Aaron asked, halting and spinning around quickly just before the stairs, his hand grabbing the railing for balance.

“You don't have to worry about me making your Aunt Kate sad again. Ok?” Sawyer searched the little face for acknowledgement and was rewarded with a smile that nearly reached Aaron's ears.

“Good. I like her better this way.” He blurted out quickly.

“Me too, kid. Me too.” Sawyer agreed then shooed the boy off with a hand gesture, which Aaron was quick to respond to.

 

***

They decided to get the dog after breakfast. By the time Sawyer had gotten the mess cleaned up and Kate had gotten the kids ready to go, Jane was starting to get fussy. Neither one of them wished to relive her scream fest of the night before so they headed to Gail's first.

“Hey Kate.” The diner's namesake, Gail, greeted them from behind the counter as the group entered.

“Can we sit at the counter?” Aaron asked, excitement barely contained.

“Of course you can. It's been far too long since I've seen you. Look how much you've grown.” Gail said as she stepped around the counter and stopped in front of them. Unlike her son Carl—who in Sawyer's opinion tended to be an obnoxious hard-ass, who just enjoyed ordering people around—his mother Gail was the kind of woman who took in strays. Sawyer didn't have a hard time imagining an emotionally downtrodden Kate stopping in once for a cup of coffee and leaving with a new job and a new grandmother.

“And how are you, James? Still around I see.” She gave him a meaningful glance then directed her eyes to Kate. It was no secret that Gail was on the boat with Claire and even Cassidy, in the whole matter of would they or wouldn't they. He was becoming a regular fixture at her counter, especially when Kate was on shift.

“Still around.” He smiled. She liked to give him a hard time about the whole thing. She would tell him that he wasn't near good enough for her girl anyway, and that if he had any sense he would never have let her get away in the first place. Then she would bring him a slice of apple pie on the house, and tell him he wasn't eating enough. Her meddling was harmless enough, and he had found that he even appreciated it after awhile. He never really had that growing up, and he found it wasn't all together unpleasant.

“And who is this little one?” Gail asked as she squatted in front of Jane. “She doesn't look much like either of you.” She assessed as Jane turned and buried her face in Kate's leg.

“This is Jane. She's Ian's daughter.” Kate explained.

“Claire's man?” Gail questioned as she threw her hand up, indicating for Sawyer to help her back up.

“Sure is. Better be by now anyway. They went away for the weekend and Freckles got kid duty.” Sawyer winked. Gail swatted his butt and clicked her tongue at him as she returned to her place behind the counter.

“You got a dirty mind, boy.” She scolded. “Course, wouldn't like you half as much if you didn't. But sit down. Let me bring you some food, those kids look famished.”

So she did, refusing to let Kate help her at all and refusing to let either one of them pay. Gail was the heart and soul of her diner, and the comedic relief as well. By the time their food was eaten, Jane was eating out of her palm and as animated and giggly as ever, and Aaron had colored her a picture that Gail promised to hang behind the counter for everyone to see.

“Next time you come in here with some new cute little face, I expect it to belong to both of you. I ain't gettin any younger, and neither is Kate. You best get on it, or let her get on it. Don't matter much either way who, long as that kid comes out with her freckles and your dimples.” Gail teased as they left.

“You forgot her curls.” Sawyer smiled as he tugged on Kate's ponytail and Kate rolled her eyes and swatted his hand away.

“And his winning personality. Especially how it just makes you want to punch him. Right in that smug little smirk.” She smirked at Sawyer and he pretended to look wounded.

“Aren't you kids just precious? Get out of here, I got paying customers to attend to.” Gail swatted the rag she used to wipe the counter at them and they took off laughing.

“I'd pay you, but you think there is something wrong with my money.” Sawyer tossed out when he reached the door.

“Yeah, you should be spending it on nice dinners and flowers for her.” Gail pointed at Kate who pretended not to blush. “Maybe a nice vacation, somewhere warm and sunny where she doesn't have to wear a lot of clothes. You know, any place that will get me my grand-babies. Everyone here is beginning to wonder if you just don't like the ladies, if you get what I mean.”

Aaron tugged on Kate's shirt to get her attention.

“What does she mean?” He asked.

“She means...” Kate started loudly to draw the two bickering adults' attention. “...that everyone here thinks Sawyer is afraid of girls. That they have cooties. But it's okay because he doesn't think that. He thinks...” She looked at Sawyer pointedly. “... that it's time to go meet Ophelia. Don't you, Sawyer?”

Gail burst into laughter, only confusing the boy even more.

“It sure is.” He turned back to Gail. “We aren't done.”

“I'm sure.” She tossed out as the door closed behind the group, then got back to wiping down the counter.

They had taken Kate's car, as it had a full backseat and was the more practical option. That left Sawyer to sit in the passenger seat with nothing to do. Kate was quickly learning that Sawyer liked being in control of the vehicle, and wasn't a fan of being a passenger. Between his fiddling with the radio stations, suggestions on routes, and inability to quit fidgeting, she was being driven mad.

“You're worse than the kids.” She commented idly as the pulled up in front of his building.

“What?” He questioned, clearly unaware of his actions.

“Nothing.” She smiled as she turned off the car and looked in the rear view mirror to see Aaron peeking out the window anxiously and Jane's little head bobbing up and down, valiantly trying to fight back sleep. “C'mon. Let's get Ophelia. We can take her with us to Claire's, she won't mind.”

“Is this where you live, Uncle Sawyer?” Aaron asked from the backseat. Sawyer turned and looked over his shoulder.

“Sure is. You ready to meet Ophelia?” He asked as he unbuckled his seatbelt and carefully opened the door.

Aaron nodded enthusiastically and freed himself from his seat belt as well, as Sawyer stepped around the car and opened the door, warning Aaron to be careful of oncoming traffic and then directing him to stand on the sidewalk and wait for the rest of them. In the meantime, Kate had stepped around to get Jane out and was busy fighting with her booster seat when Sawyer laid a hand on her shoulder.

“Let me.” He offered.

“She'll be fussy.” Kate warned as she stepped back.

“It's ok, I have a way with the ladies. Remember?” He teased as he leaned over and picked up the sleepy toddler, who fussed half heartedly at him then curled into him contently.

“I might hate you a little bit right now.” Kate complained as she took Aaron's hand and Sawyer slammed the car door shut.

“I know.” He smiled smugly. “Maybe if you're nice to me, I'll hold you later and work some of my magic on you.”

“If you live that long. Gimme your keys.” Kate held her hand out for the keys and Sawyer dug in his pocket to rescue them, then placed them in her hand.

When they got to the door, she opened it and was almost immediately bowled over by an anxious dog.

“Down Ophelia.” Sawyer ordered sternly as Aaron laughed, causing the dog to sniff him out. Her nose prodding him gently in exploration.

“She's a dog!” Aaron exclaimed and Kate looked to Sawyer in confusion.

“I thought you told him.”

“Didn't want to ruin the surprise.” He admitted as they watched Ophelia win Aaron over.

“Wanna help me walk her?” He asked Aaron after Ophelia had settled and they had made their way into the apartment.

“Yes!” Aaron nearly jumped up and down with joy at the suggestion.

“You wanna stay here with Jane? Or do you want to take her with us?” Sawyer asked Kate as he picked up Ophelia's leash from the rack hanging by the door and handed it to Aaron who studied it for a minute before working out how it attached to the dog's collar.

“We'll stay here. She'll be out for a bit and I don't see any point in carting her around if we don't have to. I can get some things ready for Ophelia while you're gone. I'm sure she's hungry and if we take her with us we'll need to bring some stuff with us.” Kate offered.

He smiled and handed Jane over to her.

“Good thinking. Why don't you just pack up her food? She can wait till we get to Claire's to eat. I just don't trust her in your car after having been locked in here all night. We won't take long.”

“Do you want anything?” Kate asked gesturing to his shirt.

“Yeah, while you're at it, why don't you grab me a change of clothes? I'll grab a shower at Claire's.”

“On it. You better hurry.” Kate gestured toward Aaron who was standing with Ophelia at the door. Ophelia was whining to be let out and Aaron was becoming impatient as well. “You might have a mutiny on your hands if you don't.”

Leaning over, he placed a quick kiss on her cheek before he took off with Aaron and the dog. Kate's fingers ran over her cheek where he had kissed her, as if documenting the moment. She was sure he didn't even realize he had done it. That it meant next to nothing. But it burned a hole in her resolve to keep her hands and lips to herself. It was going to be that much harder to control those random urges after that. Still, she wasn't going to say anything about it.

She didn't want to risk it never happening again.

Shaking her head at her own silliness, she set Jane down on the couch and got to work gathering all the things they would need.

He realized as he was walking out the door that he had unintentionally kissed her. That despite all his planning not to go there with her, in an unguarded moment it came so naturally he didn't even realize he was doing it till after the fact. He hoped she would take it for what it was, a simple sign of affection. Nothing world altering.

Though part of him also hoped she would take it for more than that. That part of him that would always have her name stamped on it, wanted her to question him. It wanted her to push him until he snapped and had to kiss her again. And again.

Regardless, he wasn't going to say anything unless she brought it up. It was one of those things best left alone.

As it turned out, she didn't bring it up. When he got back with Aaron and Ophelia, she had collected all the desired items and had put them by the door so they would be ready. She didn't bring it up on the drive back, or after he had taken a quick shower.

They cleaned the kitchen together—making perhaps a bigger mess than Jane had, as everyone got involved—and still she didn't bring it up. By dinner, when she still hadn't said anything, he figured it had blown over. And by the time they were getting the kids ready for bed, he himself had forgotten about it.

She asked him to stay and watch a movie or something after the kids were tucked in, and he agreed. He settled on the couch next to her and Ophelia climbed up on the other side of her stealing all of her attention like normal. He wrapped an arm around Kate as Ophelia set her head on Kate's lap.

They laughed and teased each other like normal. Complained about how horrible the movie was. Reminisced about the mess in the kitchen, and vowed never to let Jane near the flour again. When it got late she suggested he spend the night on the couch, he was too tired to drive home and she could stick his dirty clothes in the wash. He agreed and helped her gather a few other dirty garments to throw in with them.

Eventually she left him on the couch as she climbed the stairs to the guest room, then settled in for the night. She had a harder time falling asleep than usual as her mind kept wandering to the couch in the living room and wondering if he had enough blankets, or if the couch was comfortable enough. Her bed seemed so empty and she couldn't help but flash back on how nice it had been to wake up in his arms that morning.

How she would have loved to linger just a little longer and let the sleep fall from her at a more natural pace, rather than have to immediately flee his embrace to deal with the mess that Jane had created.

She thought about his kisses. Both of them unintentional, but still enough to make her wish for more.

When she did fall asleep, she dreamt of him. Of the island and the passion they had shared. Of the heartache and misery. She tossed and turned for most of the night and arose early to an empty bed and a hollowness that threatened to consume her.

He hadn't been able to sleep well either. The couch was damn uncomfortable and only more so when he thought about her up in that room. Alone in that bed, wondering what she was thinking, what she was wearing, if she would feel the same against his skin. Taste the same on his tongue.

It hadn't taken him long at all to wander back into that forbidden territory. But instead of feeling guilty about it, or thinking that he was somehow betraying Juliet by his attraction to Kate, he let his mind stray. Let himself remember the sights, smells, and sounds of her. How her hair tangled in his fingers, her skin slick against his, sticky and sweet.

He knew it was a bad idea to remember, but not for all the reasons he used to use. It was a bad idea because he couldn't do anything about the way his heart pounded in his ears and his chest grew tight. Couldn't do anything about the way those images took hold of his mind and woke parts of him that had been sleeping for far too long. It was almost embarrassing to think about the control those memories had of his faculties. If anyone had happened to wander passed the couch, there would be no hiding just how much his body wanted to betray what they had built as friends. No denying just how much he wished they could take things farther.

The question then became: why didn't he?

In the past he had numerous reasons for not acting on it, now he was finding that one by one those reasons were falling away and leaving him with no good excuse not to act. He knew he wasn't ready, not really, not if he wanted it to last with her. But as he spent more time with her, he knew that he couldn't picture anyone else in that role. He couldn't see himself building a new life with another woman and keeping Kate at the same time. There wasn't a woman out there who wouldn't question just what she was to him. Juliet had questioned it, and Kate had barely been in his life back then.

So if he wanted her, he had to make that decision and move toward it instead of sitting on the fence. Half in, half out, wouldn't work anymore for them.

His troubling thoughts followed him to sleep, and woke with him the next morning as Jane jumped up on the couch next to him, yelling at him to wake up. They followed him to the kitchen where Kate was busy making breakfast in her soft little flannel pants and a thin strapped top that did very little to hide certain attributes his fingers itched to explore. They hung over his shoulders as he helped her get the kids food and fed Ophelia, who had been kept in the backyard all night.

When she offered him use of the shower, they slid right in with him and refused to wash down the drain. She questioned what was on his mind as they gathered the kids and Ophelia, planning a trip to the park, and he dismissed it.

She thought he was too quiet.

While he still entertained himself at her expense, and never failed to drop a nickname moment, he was more withdrawn than usual. Aaron had picked up on it as well and had nearly fastened himself to Sawyer's side. Sawyer didn't seem to notice the extra attention and went with it, picking Aaron up and setting him on his shoulders as the walked from the parking lot to the park.

Jane wasted no time in taking off and trying her hardest to get lost amid the other kids playing on the jungle gym. Her excitement on full display as she clapped her hands and tripped over her feet in her haste to get to the fun. Quickly picking herself back up, as a tumble that would ordinarily become something to cry over became a minor inconvenience to her goal.

Ophelia barked happily and tugged at her leash.

“You wanna walk, Ophelia?” Kate questioned, looking up at Aaron.

He hesitated in responding, clearly torn between what he thought was his duty—staying with Uncle Sawyer to make sure he was okay—and playing with the dog.

Sawyer set Aaron on the ground.

“Go ahead. Just be careful, she can be a handful.” Sawyer smiled at Aaron and Aaron returned the gesture then turned toward Kate.

“Not my girl.” Kate smiled and knelt on the ground in front of Ophelia. “Huh? You're going to be a perfect angel for Aaron.” Ophelia licked Kate's chin and Kate laughed before handing the leash to Aaron.

True to form, Ophelia didn't tug once after Kate handed the leash over. It figured. Kate had a way of wrapping everyone around her little finger.

After Aaron had wandered off with the dog, Kate turned to Sawyer and grabbed his hand.

“C'mon, I see a park bench with our names on it.” She said as she tugged him to an empty bench near where Jane was digging in the sand.

They sat in silence for a long time. Kate humming softly next to him, interrupted only by Jane when she wanted attention. Aaron returned the dog to them to join Jane sometime later and Sawyer watched as Kate stroked the soft fur behind Ophelia's ears, absentmindedly tracing patterns along her fur.

Things were about as perfect as they could get. The thought struck him that he wouldn't mind if the rest of his life played out something like that moment.

“You know, if you want to talk about anything, I'm here.” Kate smiled as Jane called for her attention once more. Trying to show off how she could climb to the top of the slide and go down it all by herself.

“Later.” He said, picking himself up and stretching.

“Swing!” Jane called out as Sawyer stepped over to the swings where Jane was trying to climb up into one. He set her down on one and gently pushed her as she squealed in delight.

Kate smiled and enjoyed the picture. He was better than he gave himself credit for.

Later came after they had loaded the kids in the car and were driving home after stopping by the diner once more, for dinner. They had decided it would be easier to just eat out while they were out, than to go home and fix something that both kids would eat and Aaron wanted to see if his picture was behind the counter like Gail had promised him it would be. Gail hadn't been in, but it didn't matter. The smile on Aaron face was priceless when he saw, that just as promised, his picture was displayed for everyone to see.

Sawyer watched her drive out of the corner of his eye as the streetlights cast a repeating glow over her, unlike the last time she drove, this time he sat perfectly still, content even. It unnerved her a bit.

“What?” She asked after a minute of his scrutiny. Jane and Aaron had both fallen asleep in the backseat, Ophelia watched from between them with Aaron's arm wrapped around her back. Like a sentinel guarding her charge, the dog's eyes followed each light as her ears twitched at each new sound.

“Nothing.” He smiled and turned to look out the window again.

“Your nothing is burning a hole in me. What are you thinking about?” She chuckled and cast a look in his direction.

“Juliet wanted kids.” He sighed and turned back to look at her. “I never did.”

“I know. I remember that quite clearly.” He thought she was going to freeze over, and that was why he had been hesitant to bring it up in the first place. He knew how tender the subject was to her.

“I was an idiot back then. I should have done that better.” He tried to mend the fence that had been broken for so long. He hadn't really regretted it until recently, because he hadn't really thought about it until then. He hadn't thought that she might want to be a mother, not until the whole business with Aaron. Not until he saw just how good a mother she could have been.

“I was impulsive and flighty. It wasn't all your fault. I was looking for an excuse to run. You were right about that. You were also right about us having a kid together, it would have been a mess.” She could admit that much. They hadn't been ready.

“Sometimes, I wish you had been pregnant. I see you with Aaron and Jane... even Clem. You're good at it, and I know you miss being a mother.” His hand rested lightly on her thigh and she met his eyes for a minute as her heart seemed to overflow.

It meant the world to her. That he... would even consider the idea.

She knew it was silly, but the fact that he thought about it sometimes, like she did...

“Aaron was the best thing to happen to me.” She said softly, her eyes drifting back to the road as he pulled his hand away. “I don't know. Maybe some day. You still think being a dad is the worst thing ever?” She teased lightly.

“No. Clem is delightful and I'm glad she's in my life. But I think having a kid with Juliet would have been a mistake, for a lot of reasons. The least of them being the fact that we were all living a lie on that island.” It was surprisingly easy to talk to her sometimes. He never thought she would judge him for his words, but it was more than that, like somehow they had passed some magical barrier. That one that prevented them from opening their mouths.

Their life together on the island had been littered with their inability to actually communicate with each other. Now it was almost second nature. He found himself spilling all his secrets to her and she was always opening up to him a little more than before.

“Would you do it again? Become a father?” She asked. He paused for a minute to ponder the question.

Would he?

He cast his eyes to the backseat and the sleeping children there.

“Yeah, I think I would.” He smiled then turned back to her. “But I wouldn't want to do it the same way. I'd want to be in the kid's life.”

“Why James, I think you're going soft on me.” She smirked.

“Says the ex-fugitive turned daycare.”

“Eh, it's only natural that in your old age thoughts of settling come to mind, so I won't hold it against you.” She bantered back, then turned serious. “When my probation is over, I think I might leave this place though. Start over somewhere else.”

“You're just going to up and leave me here, with my new woman and 2.5 kids?” He teased, uneasy at the idea that she could just take off and leave him.

She realized how it sounded, like she could abandon him. In reality, when the time came, part of her had always pictured herself with him. Maybe not in a romantic setting, but with him enough that if she said she had to go, he would just know that meant he should come too.

“Tell you what, when that day comes you can run off with me and have a torrid affair, even if you're an old man.” She offered to try and take the unintentional sting from her words, and give him the option. She didn't know how to ask him to come with her, or if she even could.

“I'm a loyal man, Freckles. And not old.” He didn't want to be her second choice and he didn't want her to be his, he realized with startling clarity.

“Your loss then.” She sighed with a slight shrug.

“Maybe I'll just make you my new woman. Then we could run off together with our 2.5 kids.” It sounded so nice, and almost believable even, he thought idly.

“Can you imagine us with kids? Really?” She asked, a far off look in her eyes.

“They'd have your freckles, and my winning personality.” He teased.

She turned to face him for a moment as she questioned him, her humor disguised as seriousness.

“So what you are saying is that they would be adorable little demons?”

He laughed loudly and Aaron stirred in the backseat as he clapped one hand over his mouth. Their kids would be trouble. Of that he was certain.

“You're right. Maybe I should find safer DNA.” He suggested as Aaron settled back into his seat again.

“Maybe. Though even if you found yourself a quiet little mouse, I think your overbearing DNA would still cause you trouble. You'd need a stronger personality to balance it out.” She explained. He thought she had a very valid point, his kids would be screwed no matter what. Except that with Kate he found some kind of balance. Some kind of inner peace.

Stronger personality and all.

“Okay, I'm sold. When do you want to get started?” He asked, unclear on if he was still teasing her or not.

“How about we get the kids home first? Let Claire and Ian come home? Oh I don't know, live our lives?” She tossed his suggestion off, like he meant for her to do. They couldn't really have kids together, they were just playing house. When the situation changed and real life set back in, then he would realize how much better his life was without the complications.

Still, it surprised him that her casual disregard stung... just a little.

“Spoilsport. You promised me a torrid affair.”

“Poor baby. Your life is so hard.” She mocked him with a soothing tone.

“Hey, I remember you naked. It's no wonder it's hard.” The words flew out of his mouth before he could stop them. He only had himself to blame for it. For dwelling so long on those thoughts. For wondering what if. For fantasizing about her again.

“Sawyer!” She objected with a harsh intake of air.

“Too shocking to hear? Not too soft now, am I?” He smirked, pushing the envelope. She really was to hard too resist.

“There are kids in the backseat.” She continued to object.

“They're sleeping. I don't remember you being so puritanical.” He continued to taunt.

“I'm not. I just don't want to explain to Claire why Aaron suddenly has a much broader understanding of intimate interactions.” She was blushing, her skin a light pink in the moonlight that streamed through the windows.

“Sweet cheeks, he has no clue what that means. You're being paranoid, and while that shade of red is adorable on you, there is no need to worry about it.” He soothed, his voice low and dangerous.

“Shut up. It's not funny.” She pouted, suddenly very interested in the idea of intimate interactions between the two of them. Damn him and his incorrigible nature.

“It is, but I can see I won't be getting those 2.5 kids from you at this rate.” He decided to let it slide.

“Or any rate.” She added for good measure.

“Eh, I already got the dog. I think I could probably work something out.” That sly smile back in place, she rolled her eyes, knowing that if he really wanted to try something she was defenseless against it.

“In your dreams.”

When they arrived back at Claire's they both took a kid and separated to get them ready for bed. Jane went down faster than Aaron did and Kate slipped into the guest room to slip back into her pajamas. She had just pulled her cami over her head when there was a light knock on the door.

“Come in.” She called out lightly.

“Hey, Aaron's down for the night.” Sawyer said as he opened the door and entered the room.

“Thanks.” Kate sighed as she sat down on the edge of the bed.

“You got an upgrade.” Sawyer noted, sitting down next to her.

“Claire thought a twin bed was too small. It's her house.”

It was her last night here. Sawyer had done a good job with keeping her mind off of that fact until the conversation on the drive home. Talk of being a parent always led her mind back to the time when she was a parent. Which always left her feeling empty.

“I see. You ok?” He asked after a moment.

“Yeah, I just... It's hard to stay here. I didn't think it would be so hard every time. I mean, tomorrow I go home and he stays here. I know I'll see him again, that he will always be in my life. But part of me wants to be sleeping in the other room. Part of me wants to be the one who gets him breakfast in the morning, drops him off at school. I don't know...” She sighed and flopped back down on the bed, her shirt riding up to expose a thin sliver of her stomach.

“You did the right thing.” He offered softly, his gaze lost on the skin of her navel.

“I know.” She didn't sound like she believed it though. Or maybe it was just her regret at believing it and knowing it didn't change anything.

He settled on the bed next to her, propping himself on his elbow as he traced a finger along her jawline, directing her eyes to his.

“Doesn't make it any easier.” She nodded and sat up. He sat up as well. “ You know, having a broken heart just means you tried for something. Sometimes we just don't get to keep it.” He offered softly.

Smiling she rested her head on his shoulder. Sometimes he knew just what to say.

“You're staying tonight, right?” She asked and he wrapped his arm around her shoulders.

“How else am I going to get those 2.5 kids?” He teased.

She slugged him and reached behind her, grabbing the edge of the comforter she started to tug it down.

“I'll just go make myself comfortable on the couch.” He said as he stood.

“Hold off on those 2.5 kids and I'll let you stay here.” She smiled, grabbing his hand.

“Are you offering to share a bed?” He asked with a raised eyebrow.

“Well, I wouldn't want to let the bed go to waste. Claire did invest an awful lot in it, and we are both adults.” She raised one of her own.

“It's not like we haven't shared a bed before.” He justified.

“That couch is murder on your back, especially for someone your age.” She teased.

“What's with your new fascination with my age? You like older men?” He asked as he climbed off the bed and walked around to the other side, slipping his jeans off smoothly as he toed off his shoes.

“Come to bed, Grandpa.” She purred.

“You know that was in no way sexy, right?” He asked as he settled in next to her.

“Look at you, Sherlock. Nothing gets past you, does it?”

“I try.”


	22. A New Old Complication

_ _

_I had a dream that my chains were broken, broken, broken open_   
_Free, come set me free, down on my knees_   
_I still believe you can save me from me_   
_Come set me free, I still believe_   
_Inside this shell there's a prison cell._

Free  
 _-Switchfoot_

 

All the good intentions in the world hadn't stopped him from waking up with her in his arms the next morning. He smiled as the warmth of her body saturated his senses, her skin smooth under his fingertips. His hand had managed to find its way under her shirt while they were sleeping and it rested comfortably against her stomach, holding her to him. Her fingers rested over his hand, trapping it against her skin, spooning like lovers.

It wasn't the first time he had shaken the sleep from his eyes and found her bottom lodged in his lap. In fact, it was becoming a rather frequent occurrence with them. (And he had thought they wouldn't be having any sleepovers.) But it was the first time he had no interruption pulling her from his arms, and it might also have been the first time he woke before her.

He wondered if she could feel his rather uncomfortable situation pressing into her. If she would be embarrassed by his reaction to her touch, and smell—the way her hair tangled wildly against the pillow, dark against his skin. He wondered if she would wake up and smile at him, then lean over and kiss her way up his jaw like she had before, so long ago.

If her words would be sweet—honey on his tongue as the sun peeked through the blinds and cast shadows over her skin—or if they would be sour and full of fear and rejection. He wrapped a curl around his finger as he contemplated the situation and the wisdom in waking her, watching as her chest rose with each little puff of air she inhaled.

“Claire and Ian come home in a few hours.” She said softly, minutes or hours later, he had lost track of time entirely, lost in the rhythm of her.

“I didn't realize you were awake.” He murmured, leaning closer and breathing her in.

“Mmmm.” She offered as she pushed back into him, settling in again. She was finding that waking up in the quiet with him wasn't so bad, and that maybe it was something she wouldn't mind repeating.

“Sleep well?” He asked, watching her eyes flutter closed again from above her.

“Surprisingly so. You?”

“It was much better than that couch. I think Claire made a wise investment.” He teased lightly, as he leaned closer, resting his chin on her shoulder.

“You do realize that if she ever finds out about this you won't hear the end of it.” Kate shifted to her back, his front still pressed to her side as he pulled his head back and waited for her to settle before resting it on the pillow next to her. Watching her in profile as one hand rubbed her eyes, his hand still resting softly on her stomach.

“You have a point.” He admitted, running his fingertips over her skin.

“We should get up.” Kate sighed after a moment. “Claire and Ian will be home in a few hours, and I don't want Jane getting any ideas about breakfast.”

“Five more minutes.” Sawyer murmured, as he slid his hand to her side and pulled her body even closer.

“Ok.”

They ended up staying under the covers for close to twenty minutes, dozing lightly, saying nothing. Pretending that they didn't both dread the moment when movement would become necessary. He thought that if they could just stay in those moments forever, then nothing could touch them again. She thought that as long as they didn't talk about it, as long as they pretended not to know that the other was just as content, then they could go on as they always had.

It was a phone call from Claire, informing them that they were on their way home that got both of them moving. A few hours later when Ian's car pulled in the driveway, both children had been dressed and fed and the house was back to its original state.

They didn't stay long after that. Though Claire was eager to share all the details of their trip, Ian wanted to spend some time alone with the kids. Kate didn't mind, as much as she cared about Claire's wellbeing, part of her wasn't ready to hear all about her wonderful weekend with her new wonderful boyfriend. And she certainly didn't want the grilling about the weekend she shared with Sawyer that was sure to follow. Still she wasn't quite ready for her own weekend to end.

Though it had been stressful at times, and though she couldn't say that it was at all romantic, it had been better than so many that had preceded it. In fact, she couldn't remember the last time she had enjoyed herself quite so much. Or rather, enjoyed the company in quite the same way.

So as they were walking to their separate vehicles, she called out to him.

“You should come over to my place, we can unwind. I'll make you lunch.” Kate called out as he opened the door and ushered Ophelia into the cab of his truck. She bit back her smile, remembering all his fuss about how dogs were supposed to ride in the back, he really was going soft.

Closing the door behind his dog, he grinned. He hadn't been all the eager to return home to an empty place after all the excitement of the weekend either.

“Sure, I'll meet you over there then.” He called back and watched as her smile grew and she tossed her overnight bag into the passenger's seat, climbing in her car and slamming the door.

So they had both made their way to her place. Once there, he helped her make a quick lunch and they ate it sitting at her counter, Ophelia munching away on her food at their feet.

 

“She takes up most of the kitchen at my place.” Sawyer commented as he picked up his bottle of beer and took a few quick gulps.

Kate watched his throat move with each swallow, her mind wandering aimlessly. Harmlessly dancing around the heat his skin radiated, and wondering if it was wrong of her to want to trace her tongue along that same throat.

“Yeah, I imagine she does. Not so much here though.” She answered idly as she picked up a baby carrot and dipped it in some humus. He watched her slip the tip between her soft lips and tried not to imagine that mouth around other things.

“Nope, still lots of space.” He agreed, resting his hand on the counter next to hers, his pinky running softly against the side of her hand.

She shifted on her seat, leaning ever so slightly in his direction.

“Yeah. This place is pretty empty most of the time.” He used to do this to her all the time. Twist her tongue up and make her mind haze over, until every word that came out just seemed stupid. Like all of the neurons in her brain were sizzling under the overload of his presence. Misfiring wildly in anticipation.

“You should fill it then.” There were plenty of things he would like to fill, he thought as he watched her pink tongue dart out to capture some stray bit of imaginary food, or to wet those full lips, then disappear back into her warm, wet mouth.

“What are we doing?” She whispered softly, as she leaned closer to him and he mirrored her actions. Hovering close enough that his breath bounced off her skin.

“I don't know. Does it matter?” He almost growled.

“I don't know.” She bit her bottom lip nervously, hesitating. Did it matter? Really? “Maybe.” She sighed.

Maybe.

What was he thinking? Other than forgetting anything other than the moment. Her hesitation was enough to tell him that this probably wasn't a great idea.

He wasn't thinking and perhaps until he could think, they should leave things alone. They had jumped blindly before. Always rushed into it. Maybe they needed to step back, maybe it was just the way they spent the last two days, never really apart. Perhaps their judgment was clouded by his need and loneliness.

Didn't stop him from wanting to ravish her against her damn kitchen counter though.

That was his cue that it was time to go. That ever present desire to rip her clothes off and have her one more time. The way it coiled inside, building until it broke free, tearing down every good thing they had built together in the process. She was his drug of choice, and he was her poison.

“Yeah. Maybe.” He stood and picked up his plate. “I think we probably pushed the limits of our friendship enough the past few days anyway.” He sighed as he deposited his plate in her sink. He was only human, and he had been saying no for the last two and a half months, ever since the day she walked back into his life. If he didn't leave, he didn't know if he could stop what would happen.

She shook her head to clear it for a minute. She had thought... Well she certainly didn't expect him to get up and leave her with some line about pushing the damn limits.

Maybe she was sick of limits. Sick of his rules. God, maybe she was just sick of playing games. Maybe they were all right. Claire. Cassidy. Hell, even Gail had something to say on the matter. Maybe this desire to press her naked skin against his was never going to go away. Maybe she was always going to want him.

And maybe he wasn't the only one with a say in the matter.

“I should probably get going anyway.” He offered, looking passed her, his gaze unfocused.

“Why?” She asked as she stood, placed her hands on her hips and stared him down.

“I...” He hesitated as his eyes wandered back to her. The last thing he wanted to do was hurt her, but she didn't seem to want to read between the lines on this one.

“Say it.” Her voice clear and strong.

“Because. You know where this is leading. It's better--”

“Is it?” She demanded, interrupting him as she stepped around the counter. “Better?” She sneered.

“I don't want to fight with you. You know it is.” She was starting to irritate him. Always trying to control the situation. Always trying to make him second guess himself. They had an arrangement, and it wasn't any easier for him to keep it than it was for her. But he was. He was pushing every instinct he had away, knowing that he couldn't keep ripping through her life like bad weather. He couldn't keep destroying everything in his path because he wanted her in his bed.

“What I know, is that every time you start something, you never finish it. What I know is that you are driving me crazy. What I don't know is why. Why is not touching better? Why is lying awake so damn frustrated I want to scream better?” She closed the distance between them, and pressed a finger against his chest, pushing against him with every question. “Why is it better to want this, than to have this? Why is it goddamn better to watch it pass by than to grab it? Are you that scared?”

He grabbed her hand and forced it away from his chest, his fingers locking like a vice around hers.

“Do you think I don't want you? Do you think that when you flounce around without a care in those skimpy little shirts I don't think about tearing them off of you and just having my way with you? Do you think I don't want to just pick you up and take you against the closest wall? It's not real. You know that. It's not about being scared.” His voice growing louder with each word.

“No, you're right, it's not. It's about her. It's always about her. Well, it's not my fault and I can't change it. She's gone! She isn't coming back, and you can either move on with your life or make a nice empty one with her ghost.” She pulled her hand free from his grip and stormed over to the counter to pick up her plate. “Get over it, already.” She bit out as she dropped her plate in the sink, her rage barely contained as it rattled and bounced against the dishes already in the sink.

It was fine to play games with her, to sleep next to her and press his arousal into her. To kiss her cheek and play like he wanted to be there. Fine to work her up to the point of madness. But ask for something real? No, that was always going to be too much for him.

“It's none of your damn business.” He growled, the fury obvious in his clenched fists. It wasn't about Juliet. It hadn't been about Juliet in a long time. It was about not hurting her again. Not ruining something good with sex. It was about being a better person that he had been. Once upon a time, this was exactly what she had wanted from him. A sexless relationship. A pseudo-boyfriend, who would listen to all her problems and fix them while she pined after another man.

“You're wrong!” She nearly laughed in exasperation. “It's my business when you get all friendly with me. When I know you still think about us. About my 'skimpy shirts' and 'doing me against the nearest wall.' How the hell, is that not my business? Grow up. Move on.”

He was so damn full of it, he couldn't even admit that he was pushing her away. Couldn't even let her in enough to matter that much.

That part might have been her business, his attraction to her. But Juliet was off limits, and she knew better than to push it and blame all of their problems on his dead ex. Talking about it wasn't going to change anything.

“I am. I have. I'm not the same stupid idiot I was back then. Maybe I just don't want to screw my life up with you again? Maybe you aren't in my future at all!” He yelled back, too worked up to rein himself in. He had the urge to box her in, trap her fury under his hands as he pressed her back to the wall and let her rage, but he kept his hands to himself.

“Maybe I don't want to be.” Her voice quiet steel as she stepped in front of him. “Maybe I deserve more than a coward. Maybe I deserve a man who can be open and honest and not hide himself in some stupid notebook!”

And just like that, a damn broke. He'd show her fucking honesty.

He pushed her roughly against the counter. Forced his mouth to hers. She bit his lip, pushed her hands against his chest and shoved him away. But he returned, grabbed her jaw firmly with his right hand and yanked her head back by her hair with his left. This time he bit her back when she sunk her teeth into his lip.

She whimpered as her hands wrapped around his wrists.

His hands loosened their grip and traveled to tangle in her hair as she gasped for breath, his mouth breaking from hers for a moment.

This.

This was so...

Elemental to who she was.

This.

This was so...

Necessary to what she wanted.

She could not deny them. Perhaps all along she had known this truth. Perhaps she had been waiting to see if he would run again. Perhaps she just didn't give a shit anymore. Just needed him like air and water, and all the fucking stupid things people needed to function.

His teeth captured her bottom lip and nibbled. Her hands played in his hair, pulling him closer. Desperately closer. Sealing his future to hers as their mouths danced against each other. Pulling and pushing, claiming and conquering. His feelings echoing in the slide of his tongue, hers dancing through her fingertips and into his skin.

It was fast, frantic, fury. It was deep, delicious, delight. It was slow, savoring, sweetness. It was rebirth and reunion.

Everything.

He was everything. He always had been.

He slid his hands down, cupped her waist. No one had ever made him feel as alive. Things had always been so different with her. Like she was the blood pounding through his veins, enveloping him in her.

“Missed you.” She panted as he pushed her back against the wall.

He acknowledged her with a grunt, prompted her leg up to his waist and thrust against her.

“Need you.” He groaned, filling his hands with her firm backside.

Her fingers fumbled with the button on his jeans, desperate to make everything go away. To fill all her senses with only him. Only them. He distracted her with his tongue momentarily and her fingers fell away to slide up his sides and hold him close as he traced her mouth then disappeared so he could nibble on her lip.

She scraped her nails down his back, slid her hands under his waistband and bit her nails into his ass. He jerked forward, nipped at her neck in retaliation.

His tongue slid along her neck, where her pulse beat wildly out of control. Her soft body perfectly formed to all of him. Molded like part of a set.

“Inside.” She demanded with a growl, pushing him away for a minute to remove his shirt. He pulled her off the wall and walked backwards to the counter, lifting her up then pulling her shirt over her head. Toeing off his shoes as her fingers worked on the buttons of his shirt, eager to fulfill her demand. His entire world lost just under her skin, he needed to find it. Needed to slide home and feel her from the inside out.

The counter was the wrong height, he noted as he tried to grind into that warm welcoming place between her legs only to find hard cold granite instead. She wrapped her legs around him and trapped him so close to where he wanted to be.

“Upstairs.” He broke from her lips long enough to whisper, then picked her up and backed toward the hallway. Wanted to take her then, but also wanted to take her on her bed, where she had to think about him every night. Wanted to claim that right too. Wanted to be her entire world.

He stepped on something and it yelped.

Losing his balance, she let go as he tumbled over the dog and landed with a thud against the stairs. She slid free and giggled as she stood over him.

“Careful there, Tex.” Kate teased.

She was stunning. Her lips swollen and red from his frantic kisses. Her hair a tangled mess from his fingertips. Her breath still coming in pants as her chest heaved only hidden by her dark bra. A smile so wide he thought it would envelope them both.

Something sick settled in his stomach. Something that made his blood run cold and his head spin.

He couldn't do that to her again.

He couldn't fuck her and pretend it didn't mean anything. It meant everything. He didn't want it to be like that. Wanted it to be pure and simple and special.

And she just stood there grinning like she won the lottery. So damn happy she looked ready to burst giggles and sunshine all over the room.

She deserved so much better. She was right. He was a coward.

A coward and the asshole that was going to break her heart again, because he couldn't come out and admit it. Because part of him still wanted to run from her. Part of him still wanted to keep her just far enough away.

He had never opened up to Juliet in the same way that Kate knew him. It was why they had worked so well. She never pushed him for more. But Kate knew no limits. She wanted to own him entirely, because she knew him. She knew what made him tick, what made him angry. How to make him happy. She knew it all. Even though he selfishly horded himself away in a notebook.

She was right.

If he took her upstairs, they would end in another explosion. One that he knew they couldn't come back from. He couldn't be with her halfway, and that's what this was. As tempting as she was, as much as he craved her physically, if he couldn't open up to her emotionally they wouldn't last. And he cared too much about her to lose her again.

 

“I gotta go.” He said quickly as he stood and pushed past her, his decision made.

He grabbed Ophelia's collar as he passed her, nearly yanking her out of the kitchen and down the hall.

“I'll call you later or something.” He offered. He knew it wasn't enough—nothing could ever be enough—but she would thank him later when she realized what he stopped them from doing. She didn't really want him. She was just lonely and frustrated, and he made a good stand in he justified.

And he knew enough to know that if he didn't leave immediately, he wouldn't be able to find the self control to stop again.

“Fine! Go!” She yelled after him. “I don't care!”

She knew she did care, perhaps too much. That it hurt more than she thought possible, watching him walk out again. But she was too angry to stop him. Too mad he couldn't make up his damn mind. Too furious she still wanted him to choose her, after everything. That she would take him back again, if he turned around.

But he didn't. Unlike the last time he left her, she didn't feel devastation. Didn't feel like part of her heart had gone with him. Just blind red rage. Just bitter hatred. It would be enough to keep her warm for some time.

He couldn't toss her around like she was his toy. Couldn't just play with her whenever the mood hit. If she didn't mean any more to him than that, then it was a good thing he left.

When he got to his truck he felt sick again.

Not that he left her. He was sure that was the right choice. If they ever did get back together, it shouldn't have been because they couldn't say no. It should have been because they both wanted to say yes. It should have been... better?

Something in him wasn't ready for her. Not yet.

No, he felt sick because he knew that he might never see her again. That she wouldn't understand. Would simply see his exit as betrayal. As rejection.

Because he did the one thing he swore he would never do to her again.

He left her.


	23. An Old Argument

_ _

_Trying not to lose your own_   
_Boxing up everything you've got_   
_All you ever knew of home_   
_You're scared, scared to see_   
_Your mother there in the door_   
_You wonder where did the years go_

_All we know is distance_   
_We're close and then we run_   
_Kiss away the difference_   
_I know you hate this one_   
_But this is how the story ends_   
_Or have we just begun_   
_To kiss away the difference_   
_I know you hate this one_

Where The Story Ends  
 _-The Fray_

 

“What the hell is going on with you two?” Cassidy demanded as Kate answered her cellphone.

It was an excellent question, but one that she was in no mood to answer. After he had slipped out of her house four days previous, Kate had neither heard nor seen the bastard.

And she couldn't say she was all that sorry.

“Hell if I know.” She answered shortly, as she separated his stupid sweatshirt from her pile of clean clothes and threw it in the corner with the rest of the various things she'd found lurking around her house. Mixed in so innocently with her things. “Why, what happened?”

“That's what I'm asking you. He came to pick up Clem for the weekend and I didn't want to send her with him. He was riding one nasty storm cloud. So I want to know what put him in such a funk.”

“I can't even begin to tell you what runs through his mind or why he is the way he is.” Kate tried to deny it and play innocent.

She knew exactly what had him in such a funk. But it was his own damn fault. She had been more than ready to take the next step. He was the one who had turned tail and fled like she was the plague. It was his problem, not hers.

Except that it was hers too. Very much so. She had been angry at him, but anger only covered up so much of the hurt and frustration. And her anger had been wearing a little thin, which prompted her to do some cleaning to try and keep her mind off of how he could just pull away and walk out the door like she hadn't been about to give him everything.

When scrubbing the kitchen from top to bottom wasn't enough because he had left Ophelia's favorite chew toy in his haste to get out, (It had tripped her as she came around the island in the middle of her kitchen, and she had picked it up and chucked it with all of her might into the hall while swearing up a storm about his carelessness with her space.) she had moved on to the bathroom. The bathroom did little to distract her either; he had left his fingerprints all over the room. (When had she started keeping his favorite body wash in her shower? Or reading material on the back of her toilet? And why the hell did she have a spare toothbrush for him in her cabinet!) She had moved on to the laundry (Littered with his leftover clothes) after the bathroom and that was what she had been doing when Cassidy called.

“Like hell. You know something. He hasn't been this worked up since before he got stuck on that island. Something happened and with the way you two are all buddy buddy these days, I got a damn good feeling it has something to do with you.” It didn't sound like Cassidy was going to settle for the standard denial. Kate knew that eventually somehow or another she would get the truth from her. But she wasn't in a particularly kind mood. And she certainly didn't have very fond feelings on the idea of sharing her problems with him.

“I haven't seen him in days. I don't think anything I did would be having any effect on him today.” Her voice was steady and even, even if her head was a confused jumble of feelings and emotions. Her eyes drifted over to the corner where his things sat, the urge to rescue the sweatshirt and pull it on was at war with the urge to tear it to shreds and dump it on his porch after she'd lit it on fire.

She hated him for making her feel like that.

“Bullshit. There is a reason you haven't seen him in days and I would bet it has an awful lot to do with his foul mood. Do I need to get in my car and chase him down? Clem is in that car with him, and she didn't have anything to do with whatever happened between the two of you.”

She could hear worry in Cassidy's voice, and she could understand and empathize with her friend. When Sawyer got pissed it was best to stay out of his way, he had very little patience and even less control of his tongue. Cass was right; Clem didn't deserve to be stuck in the middle of their problems. But Kate had also seen the way he cared for his daughter, and she knew he wouldn't do anything too stupid. He had had four days to cool down. And he hadn't been angry like she had. Sure she'd hit a few buttons, but she doubted he was mad at her. More likely himself.

Which was fine by her. If he didn't want her, he could deal with it all by his lonesome. If he thought he was an idiot for letting it get that far, he would have to be an idiot by himself. If he really thought she was going to screw up his life again, he would be happy to learn she had no plans to walk back into it again.

“I'm sure she's fine. He loves her.” Kate sighed and sunk to the bed, her feet drawing up and crossing at the ankles as she picked up a gray t-shirt and let herself hold it to her nose for a minute to see if it still held his scent. It didn't, just the smell of her laundry detergent.

“He's distracted and irritable.” Cass wasn't exactly yelling, but her tone wasn't all that kind either. Kate thought maybe she deserved it. What had they been thinking anyway? She hadn't wanted to become her mother, yet here she was pining after him even while she hated his ever-living guts for leaving her again.

She tossed the shirt with his sweatshirt and stood, turning her back to the beckoning pile of clothing that seemed to mock her anger with thoughts of comfort and forgiveness.

No, she respected herself too much to become her mother. She would not let herself get lost in him again. She would not let him block her out. She couldn't settle for part of him. Couldn't keep taking him back because she was afraid to lose him.

Maybe she was supposed to lose him.

“That may be. But what makes you so sure I know anything about it?” Kate questioned as she finished gathering the laundry and started to her dresser with a pile of clean underwear and socks.

“You two are attached at the hip. Quite frankly, I was surprised you weren't with him when he came to pick up Clem.” Cass answered slowly, as if waiting for Kate to volunteer more information. She could imagine Cassidy's reaction to just him in the truck. Could imagine how he would climb out of it and slam his door, then storm up to her porch and demand his daughter.

She could also imagine some of the more colorful ways Cassidy would ask him what was going on.

“You didn't say anything about it, did you?” She asked, already knowing that Cassidy did, and about how well that would have gone over. He might not be mad at her, but implying she existed was only going to get a very loud answer about her existence and how it didn't matter.

“Of course I did. That's when he proceeded to yell about how you two aren't together all the damn time.” Cassidy's words came out in a rush of exasperated air and Kate tried not to smile. Their 'conversation' was probably heard three streets over.

Her smile faded however as his words sunk in. She wanted to be angry about them, but she couldn't be. He was telling the truth, and it wasn't necessarily his fault that it hurt. She should have been better about guarding her heart from him. She should have paid more attention to what everyone else was saying.

“He's right. We aren't.” Kate sighed again as she felt her eyes sting with the tears she had yet to shed over him. She couldn't cry about it, she couldn't give him the satisfaction. But the last twenty-four hours had been filled with close calls. It seemed that as her anger died, the reality of what his rejection meant seemed to want to replace it.

“Oh my God. Did you two?” Cassidy half asked, half gasped in surprise.

“Did we what?” Kate's forehead furrowed as she balanced the phone between her ear and shoulder, pulling her drawer out and depositing the clothing.

“Did you sleep together?” Cassidy blurted out.

No, and yes. Part of her almost wished it had been the other way around. She could do the leaving after sex bit. It was familiar and safe and it didn't hurt as badly as sharing the same bed and pretending not to care. It wasn't as intimate as his damn hand on her stomach had been, or his breath against her cheek as they ignored the world outside that queen sized mattress.

Truthfully, if she didn't have that morning—so still and safe—to reflect back on, things would have been different.

“I really don't see how this is any of your business, but no we did not have sex.” She clarified after a moment.

Cassidy wasn't buying it.

“But?” She questioned as Kate closed the drawer and headed back to the bed.

“What do you mean by that? But what?” She asked, she was tired of playing games and beyond tired of thinking about it.

“You didn't have sex. There was a but in there. So...”

She wasn't going to drop it. Kate sat on the bed and closed her eyes, gathering her thoughts and trying her damnedest to distance herself from the onslaught of emotion she knew talking about the whole thing was going to drag up. Not that she had done all that well at keeping it at bay, she thought as she opened her eyes and caught the telltale pile of Sawyer's belongings in the corner.

“We did sleep together in the literal translation.” She sighed and hurried to continue before Cassidy could interrupt her. She could just picture the excitement her friend was holding back; nearly feel it over the damn phone. “We shared a bed, it wasn't a big deal. I was watching Aaron and Ian's daughter, Jane. Ian and Claire went away for the weekend, their first trip away as a couple, you know. Anyway, Sawyer showed up and helped out with the kids. He pretty much stayed all weekend.”

For a minute, Cassidy didn't respond, but when she did her voice was full of disbelief.

“Wait a minute. You two shared a bed all weekend and you didn't have sex? Something is wrong with both of you.”

“We actually only shared the bed Sunday night. Friday we fell asleep on the couch and woke up to Jane's disastrous attempt at making breakfast. Saturday he took the couch. It wasn't like the opportunity had really presented itself. Besides, I wouldn't want our first time back together to be under someone else's roof, while watching their kids.” Kate explained.

“I'm going to leave the fact that you have thought about the next time you have sex with him alone for now. I'll come back to it later, though.” Cass warned and Kate groaned at her mistake.

“Cass...”

“No, that's not up for negotiation. But what I want to know now, is why would it matter where it happened?”

It didn't. Well, other than she didn't want it to be in that house. She had a different life entirely in that house and part of her really didn't want to taint her new life with anything from her old. And it was all too clear now that what happened over the past weekend was due to some altered state of mind. Maybe there was something in the water there. Hell, it explained Jack. Something about that house that made her want to play house and pretend.

Not that any of that actually mattered. It wasn't going to happen anywhere.

“I guess it doesn't really. But I don't want to feel like it was an accident, or a symptom of the condition we found ourselves in. I mean, we were basically playing house all weekend. It wasn't real, it's not us. I guess he had a point but I still... He's a coward.” Her mind drifting like her words.

“Ok. You lost me. Did he tell you he didn't want your next time to be there? Is that why you think you didn't have the opportunity?” Kate could understand the confusion, she had lived through it and still didn't have a clue what had happened. Not one that she could accept without feeling a little used and gutted anyway.

“No. It's not like that.” She sighed.

“Well, what is it like then?” Cassidy questioned, showing remarkable restraint Kate thought.

“Not important.” She decided as she stood and picked up the laundry basket from her bed. That would be that. She wouldn't revisit it again. She wouldn't let him be worth that.

“You did have sex with him!” Cassidy accused and Kate dropped the basket halfway to the closet.

“No. I didn't.” She clarified, that anger building again. “But it wasn't for lack of effort!”

She kicked the basket with her barefoot and sent it a few feet from her, scraping her toe in the process.

“Did you try and seduce him then?” The excitement evident in Cassidy's voice. Well, at least someone enjoyed it, Kate mused.

“Wait. Did he turn you down!” Cass asked, outraged at the possibility.

Ha! Yeah, so was she. Bastard. Now maybe Cass could understand why it wasn't exactly on her list of favorite discussions.

Though if she was honest with herself, part of her had wanted to seduce him. Wanted to see him all bothered and excited and desperate for her. The part of her that was always a mess over him. But she couldn't really recall acting on it. If she was honest, she didn't recall very much about what led up to their passionate outburst. Just that he left before they could finish anything.

“No and yes... kind of.” She admitted sheepishly. Did intent count? Because she was pretty sure had things not gone where they did naturally, she would have done something eventually to incite him to end their little dance.

“Am I going to have to drive up there and beat it out of you? For the last time, what happened?” Cassidy almost whined. Kate knew she would have found enjoyment in holding something over Cassidy's head on any other day. It was too bad she couldn't find that same delight this time.

“Monday, after Claire and Ian came home, we didn't really want the weekend to end so I invited him over to my place for lunch. We were talking and then we were fighting... and then. The next thing I know I've got my tongue down his throat and he's got his hands all over me. It felt so good, so... I don't know, right I guess.”

Right was an understatement. So what the hell, was wrong with him?

“So you were making out. That's something. Not sex, but something.” Cassidy offered, and Kate could hear the confusion in her voice. For once, Sawyer's actions stumped them both. It wasn't comforting. Usually when he was being a jackass Cass could come up with some bullshit about why. Something that usually made Kate feel a little better about it.

“Oh, we would have had sex. I have no doubt that was where it was headed. We both wanted it. And then the next second he was pushing away and making excuses. He was gone before I could even really object.” Kate explained, pacing her room.

“Wait a minute! He left? You didn't make him leave?” Kate could tell Cass was coming to some conclusion or another, so she played along.

“No, so I don't know what crawled up his ass and died, but I promise you I had nothing to do with it.” But not pleasantly.

“Or maybe you did. Maybe he's just bitter because he didn't sleep with you. Maybe he still wants to.”

She didn't care if he came knocking with flowers and a written apology. He could stand out on her porch all night begging and she wasn't going to budge. Kate cast her eyes around her bedroom, at the pile of clothing still unsorted on the bed, the overturned basket half way to the closet, and the damn pile of shit he left behind. Her life was a mess—she couldn't focus—because he came back into it then left a-fucking-gain.

“He can want it forever as far as I'm concerned. I'm done with it. Besides, he hasn't even had the guts to pick up a phone and explain himself or apologize. Or even ask me to forget it ever happened.” Her voice was cold steel as she picked up the basket and set it back on the bed, filling it with the pile of clothing.

“I can't say I blame him. You aren't sounding so sweet yourself.” Cass commented.

“Screw you, Cass. I was willing to give us a shot. It's not my fault he wasn't.” She bit out, the bitterness seeping into the open. Like salt in her already open wounds.

“No, I know. It hurts.” She offered in a soothing tone.

Kate's eyes watered again and she silently cursed him once more.

“It doesn't hurt.” She wasn't going to let it. “He just... Why would he do that to us?” Except it did.

Cass was right. It felt like all the air had been sucked out of her, all her bones suddenly turned to liquid. It didn't just hurt, it ached. And to top it off, she still missed the smug son of a bitch.

“It sounds to me like maybe things got out of hand quickly. I can't say I didn't see it coming, but I had hoped you two were beyond the running away stage.” Cassidy sighed.

“Things were so good. Why do we always manage to screw them up?” Kate asked as she slid to the floor by her bed.

“So fix them.”

It was good advice, but Kate knew it wasn't that simple. It never was with them.

“I can't. I don't see any way to fix them.”

“Oh come on, you aren't going to give up that easily.”

Maybe she was. Maybe she should have given up a long time ago.

“It's on him, Cass. I'm not sure he even wants to fix things. And fix them how? What can he possibly do to make this better? Even if we just go back to being friends, it's always going to be there.”

It was always there, it had always been there, and she couldn't see that ever changing. They just didn't know how to be 'just friends.' They could play at it, but she was always going to want more from him and he was always going to want more from her. They were never going to get past that.

“What is? The fact that you still think about sleeping with him and he still wants to sleep with you? So what?” Cassidy blew it off like it meant nothing.

“So what? So how am I supposed to be ok with that? How am I supposed to just put up with the fact that I want him in my life and my bed?” Kate demanded. “I knew this was a mistake. I was stupid to think we were past all of it.” She closed her eyes and let her head fall back against the side of the bed.

“So sleep with him. Get it out of your system. Or don't sleep with him and move on.” Kate almost laughed at Cassidy's simple logic. Like it was that easy.

“Well, since it's obvious he won't be touching me with a ten foot pole anytime soon unless I magically transform into his ex, I'm trying to move on. That means we can't go back to where we were. Otherwise, we're just going to keep ending up back here.”

Bitter. Angry. Alone.

And hurting so much she couldn't even think about him without wanting it all to just go away.

“You ever think that maybe this has nothing to do with Juliet and everything to do with you?” Cassidy asked quietly after a moment.

“What do you mean?” Kate asked. Yeah, maybe he just really didn't want her. Maybe he would choose any other woman over her.

“I mean, maybe he just doesn't want to risk losing you again. Maybe he's willing to settle for less if it means never losing you.”

Kate wanted to believe her. She wanted, more than anything, for his flight to mean she meant more not less. But she just couldn't do it. Not after everything. She couldn't risk being wrong and being crushed again.

“He doesn't have me. Not all of me. And if he didn't want to lose me, he should have stopped before it got to this point. No, this is about him. It's about him and his inability to open up to anything more. He doesn't even want to hear that it's an option. He doesn't want me, Cass. I'm never going to be enough for any man and he knows it.” She sighed.

It hurt more coming from him, than it ever had coming from any other man. Hell, it was par for the course with Jack. But from Sawyer, who would be the first to admit that he was far from perfect, it was like a knife in her gut. One he twisted with every minute he didn't explain or call.

“That's a load of bullshit if I ever heard it. Sure, maybe he can't open up more right now. But that has nothing to do with you and what you are or aren't. He has nothing but respect for you and you know it.” Cassidy's voice was firm and she wanted to believe it. But she had been down this road before.

Every time she was willing to give him more he did something like this. Whether it was outing her to the group, using her to steal some stupid guns, making up some shit about her relationship with Jack, or jumping out of a damn helicopter, he was always leaving her or putting more space between them. She thought that had changed, but his actions just proved that it hadn't.

And she had done the same to him time after time.

Maybe it was a sign that they would never work.

Maybe it was impossible.

“I don't know anything anymore. I'm sorry if he took it out on you though.” Kate apologized. It wasn't Cassidy's fault that he was a jackass and she hated that other people had to suffer because he couldn't get it together.

“Don't be. I ripped him a new one.” Cassidy beamed and Kate couldn't stop the small smile of satisfaction that spread across her lips.

“Good. He deserved it.” There was some justice in the world after all, Kate mused.

“You gonna be ok?” Cass asked after a moment of silence. Kate could hear the concern in her voice and didn't want to worry her friend anymore. She would live. She had before.

“I'm fine.”

“Promise.” Cass insisted.

“I'm still too mad at him to be anything but fine with it.” And as long as she could keep that anger up, it would be the truth. The anger made everything else insignificant.

“I'll kick his ass for you if that changes. I've always wanted an excuse.” Cass teased and Kate rolled her eyes.

“Because what he did to you wasn't excuse enough?” Kate was sure that Cassidy had given him more than one verbal lashing in the past.

“Yeah, well for Clem's sake I had to let that go. You know.”

She did. She knew what holding on to things did.

Yet, she still insisted on staying mad at him. Justifying herself by thinking that it was different, Kate knew that letting go of her anger wouldn't make things any easier this time. Instead she would let go of him.

He was going to have to do something major to get back in her good graces this time.

***

“Dad?” Clem asked from the seat beside him as they drove toward Los Angeles for her weekend with him.

“What, sweetheart?” He questioned. He really didn't want to play twenty questions with her. But it wasn't her fault he was in a less than ideal mood; he tried not to take it out on his daughter.

“What were you and Mom yelling about, anyway?” She questioned innocently, her eyes on him; waiting patiently for an answer.

“You heard that, huh?” He wasn't stupid, he knew she had heard their argument. Hell, half the state probably heard their argument. Funny thing was, he didn't really remember if it even had a point.

He had been so impatient, so on the edge, that anything could have set him off.

And he really didn't have anyone to blame this time but himself. No one had forced him out that door, and no one had kept him from picking up his phone to explain why he had left her, all delightfully ruffled and ready for more.

The image of her dilated green eyes, still haunted him. Her phantom touch echoed in its absence. The way her legs tugged him closer as they wrapped around his waist, and her lips pulled and pressed with his.

It had all been grating on his nerves, causing him to lose sleep, and making for some fairly empty days.  
He hadn't realized just how much Kate had infiltrated his life. He found her in every room of his place, in an abandoned pair of flip flops. In a lipstick smudge on his glass. A note on his mirror reminding him to pick up more toilet paper. A photo on his fridge of them with Clem. All constantly reminding him that this was his fault and he would have to fix it.

He just didn't know how. So he had spent the last four days writing. Scribbling furiously and trying to ignore the fact that he had blown a damn good friendship.

“You guys were kind of loud.” Clem reminded him, drawing him out of his thoughts.

“Yeah, well it wasn't really anything.” He tried to explain, but knew that Clem wouldn't understand that sometimes there was no good reason for a screaming match between two adults.

“How can you yell about nothing?” Her little brow furrowed.

“I promise you, one day you'll figure it out.” He sighed. One day she would know just how easy it was to take your problems out on anything and anyone within spitting distance. Hell, even Ophelia had been avoiding him.

“What if I don't want to find out one day? What if I want to know now?” Clem persisted and he clenched his teeth, that annoying urge to yell and scare her into silence riding him.

“Clem, come on. Just drop it, it isn't important.” He answered after he had collected his nerves. He didn't know how he was going to survive the weekend if she insisted on being... well herself.

He really needed to get a hold of the situation. Maybe Cassidy had been right. Maybe they should have rescheduled this trip. Because right now he couldn't help but remember how good Kate was at occupying Clem's time on these trips. How nice it was to have her deflecting some of Clem's questions and distracting him from some of Clem's more annoying habits.

He loved his little girl, but she could be trying. Especially when she set her mind on something.

“Fine.” She answered, crossing her arms and sticking out her bottom lip.

He was doomed.

“Don't pout about it. It's not attractive.”

“Whatever.” She snapped.

“Clementine Phillips.” He warned. They still had a good two hours of the drive left. He did not want to spend it with her snappy attitude.

“I just don't understand why you won't tell me.” She let out, her frustration evident in the rush of breath that accompanied her words.

“Because you won't understand even if I do, and it's a grownup thing.”

He really didn't want to talk about it with his daughter. He didn't want to get into how stupid he had been. How much he regretted the way he had handled it, or more accurately not handled it.

Why couldn't he have just told her, he wasn't ready? They weren't ready. He didn't want to blow it, yet he had. Why couldn't she just understand? He did it for her own good. He did it for them.

Maybe she was right; maybe he was just being a coward.

“I'm almost grown up.” Clem persisted, her eyes pleading with him.

“I promise you, being grown up isn't as fun as you think it is.” He threw out then glanced her way.

“Mom says that too.” She answered seriously. He bet she did. He bet Cassidy had to remind their daughter of that more often than not.

“She's a smart lady.”

“So you aren't mad at her.” It was a statement, and the way she said it made him think that maybe she was starting to pick up on those subtleties that are part of growing up. He didn't want to think about that. She was always going to be his baby girl.

“No. I never was.” He admitted.

“Then why were you yelling at her?”

Because he couldn't have what he wanted and it was driving him insane. Or maybe he didn't know what he really wanted. It didn't really matter which.

What did matter was his little girl.

“Have you ever been mad at someone and then had someone else get in the middle of the thing that made you mad so then you yelled at them instead? Even though you weren't mad at them?” He tried to explain. His logic messed up enough that it confused even him. Clem had no hope of understanding it.

“I don't know what you mean. Who are you mad at, then?” Clem gleamed enough to ask.

Himself. Kate. The universe. No one. Everyone.

“I'm not mad at anyone. Let's just forget it and have fun this weekend, ok?” He sighed, hoping she would just drop it.

“Yeah, ok I guess.” She seemed content enough knowing that he wasn't mad at her mother, and he figured that's all she really wanted to know, anyway. Clem's unselfish side was relatively small and extended to only a handful of people as most children's did.

“Hey, Dad?” Clem asked a few minutes later, breaking the comfortable silence they had fallen into.

“Yeah, kiddo.”

“Can we maybe go see Aunt Kate before we get ice cream?”

He didn't like where this was going.

“Why?” He questioned casually; his tone a world away from what he was feeling.

“Well, because I like her and I want to hang out with her too.”

 _Me too, kiddo. Me too_ , he thought as his eyes focused on the road in front of him.

“But for our special ice cream trip?” Perhaps diversion would work. On any other day he really wouldn't have cared if Kate had come along or not. But Kate would care and he was just not in the mood to try and pretend like nothing had happened for Clem's sake.

“Yeah.” Clem stated like it meant nothing. She didn't see a point for not inviting Kate.

“Well, what if we went for ice cream then I called Aunt Kate to see if you could go visit with her for a little bit. You know, just the two of you. Wouldn't that be better?” He suggested instead. His mind coming up with ways to avoid the situation. Perhaps by the time she got done with her ice cream she would have dropped the whole thing. Though he seriously doubted it, and he seriously doubted he could get through the entire weekend with his daughter without seeing Kate.

He hadn't really thought that part out.

If he claimed she had to work, then Clem would want to eat at the diner. If he told her the truth, that Kate was pissed as hell at him, then she would want to know why. That was a conversation she was definitely too young to have with him.

No, his best bet was to try and weasel out of it entirely. If he couldn't do that, then his second best option was to drop her off and let her have quality time with her Aunt. He hated to be apart from her for any time when he had her, but he knew the alternatives were not looking good either.

“But then you won't be there.” Clem pointed out.

“That's ok. We'll have plenty of time together.” He didn't bother mentioning just who was the we in that sentence. Best to let her decide for herself.

“Ok. I guess.” She agreed reluctantly, but he could tell she wasn't happy about it.

If he was honest about it, neither was he.


	24. An Old Defense

_ _

_I've been tracing my steps in fingerprint clues, clips of the news_   
_Wondering why in our lives the wind calls our name_   
_We're never the same_   
_We were never meant to be this damn broken_   
_Words were never meant to be this half-spoken_   
_Falling in the space between the universe_   
_And all we see has gone away_   
_Gone away_   
_Wind me in circles_   
_Take me back to_   
_The place I knew when_   
_I was with you..._

Gone Away  
 _-Lucy Schwartz_

 

No sooner had she hung up with Cassidy her phone rang again, this time a frantic Claire was on the other line.

“Hey, Jane fell.” Claire blurted out. “We're taking her to the hospital, we think her arm is broken.” Jane was screaming in the background, making it difficult to hear Claire as she continued. “Can we drop Aaron off for awhile? If you're busy I can stay here with him but...”

“Go. I'm not doing anything tonight, bring Aaron here on the way.” Kate quickly supplied.

“Thank you.” Claire sighed in relief, then turned her head away from the phone. “She says it's fine.” She called over her shoulder then turned back to the phone. “We'll be there soon.”

“If you want I can bring him back to your place later and stay with him tonight. Or he can stay here.” Kate offered as she buzzed around her room picking up and tidying her way out of the room and down the hall.

“You're a lifesaver. I'll throw some stuff in a bag for him and--”

“Claire, I have a key. Don't worry about it. Take care of Jane.” Kate interrupted her frantic friend.

“I never had to do this with Aaron and Jane is so little, and her arm is swollen and she can't move it and--”

“Breathe. It will be ok. I promise. You're going to scare the kids if you don't get a hold of yourself.” Kate soothed as she made her way downstairs.

“How did you do it?” Claire sighed.

“Well, to be fair I never had to rush him to the emergency room. I was lucky. Are you ok now?”

“Yeah.”

“Good. Now get in the car and get moving.”

“Thank you, again.” Kate smiled at her friend's words. Like she would dream of answering any other way.

“Claire, we need to go...” Ian's voice carried over the phone.

“Yeah, coming.” Claire called out in answer, then continued into the phone. “We'll be there soon. Thanks again.”

“I'll be here. Anytime.” Kate hung up and was glad for the distraction, only sorry that it had to come in the form it came.

 

*******

His stomach was upset, it gurgled in protest at the sight of the ice cream in front of him. Clem couldn't shut up about going to see Aunt Kate.

He couldn't really fault her. She had no unresolved issues with Kate, only undying affection. There was no reason for her to want to avoid her surrogate aunt. But part of him really wished that she did. Part of him really wanted her to forget the whole thing.

“...and then I told her that Aunt Kate said I was the luckiest girl alive. Dad, do you think Aunt Kate is right?”

He hadn't been listening to anything she had been saying. His mind too busy trying to come up with ways to avoid the inevitable. But he had caught the last part, and agreeing with Kate on that point didn't seem too hard.

“Of course, she is.”

And she was right about a lot of other things too. He was being a coward. Too afraid to face her and find out just how much trouble he was actually in. Judging by the fact that he hadn't heard from her at all, he figured it probably wasn't good. He was going to need one nice shovel to dig himself out of this one.

He had been doing a lot of writing, however. Most of his free time had been spent with pen in hand, scribbling away furiously until his hand ached and cramped and he couldn't hold the pen any more. Ophelia curled at his feet, only barking to get his attention for things like food and to get him off the couch to let her out.

He didn't know why he kept writing, but it was the only thing that seemed to cut through the sick feeling that had taken up residence in his stomach. It gave him the only outlet he really trusted. And maybe that was part of the problem.

He knew that eventually he would have to come out of it, but in the meantime Maggie and Jake were developing quite the relationship. It was funny, looking back on it now, how blind he had been, and how upset it had made him to realize that he was writing about them now.

None of it seemed to matter much anymore. But he kept at it. Somehow more determined than ever to at least give them a happy ending on the page. He didn't know if he could get her back, or if it was even a good idea. She was right, he couldn't open up to her, he didn't really know how to. He didn't know what she wanted from him, but it was more than he was giving her.

So he let it all bleed out. The anger. The frustration. The hurt. The confusion. The affection. The attraction. Somehow all of it made it into that one notebook. It was the only way he knew. The only thing that kept him from running back to her and telling her he was sorry he was an asshole and could they try again.

He was not a stupid man, he knew now that they were never going to make it work the same way. He crossed a bridge, she crossed a line. There was no taking it back and pretending it never happened. Maybe that had been their mistake in the first place. Believing that the past could be forgotten. That it didn't matter.

It did matter, it defined them. They could try and rewrite over it all they wanted, but he was never going to be able to look at her and not remember how it felt to strip her of her grimy clothes and make love to her in a cage on some damn island light years away.

He was never going to be able to forget that face she made when she was teasing him, after sex. Her nose all scrunched up and adorable. Or the sound of her voice when she whispered his name in his ear as her fingers tightened on his shoulders—cut off half way through as her pleasure exploded.

I Never. A stupid case. A dumb toy airplane. Boars. Books. Guns. They all reminded him of her. He was never going to forget them either. Now he adds things like fruit snacks and pool to the list. Bedtime stories and pancakes. Sticky little fingers and adopted aunts and uncles. Stupid loveable oversized dogs and driving in his truck.

“Hurry up, Dad. Sheesh.” Clem pouted and gestured to his almost untouched ice cream. It was melting and unappetizing. Clem's was long gone and he realized he probably couldn't put it off any longer.

“You want it?” He asked, shoving it across the counter toward her. She turned up her nose at the offering and he nodded. “Alright. We better get you over to Aunt Kate's before you burst then.” He sighed and stood. She bolted off the bar stool and raced toward the door.

He wasn't ready for this. Though he doubted he ever would be.

 

***

Aaron was dropped on her step not too long after she hung up with Claire. Ian was driving and Jane was screaming from her car seat in the back. Kate rushed out to meet Claire halfway across the lawn and quickly directed her back to the car.

“I got it.” She said, placing a hand on Claire's shoulder and turning her around.

“We owe you.” Claire turned her head to say as Kate gave her a shove.

“Aunt Kate.” Aaron threw his arms around Kate's waist and Kate picked him up as Claire hurried back to the car and got in.

“Is Jane going to be ok?” Aaron whispered against her neck as he threw his arms around her, the car backing out of the driveway and driving away.

“She'll be fine. Remember that time your friend, Adam, fell out of his tree?” She asked as she carried him back up to her porch and sat down on the swing. Rubbing his back, she swung back and forth trying to soothe the troubled little boy. She could only imagine what was going through his mind and how scared he was.

He nodded against her neck.

“Well, remember how he came to preschool the next day with a cast on and everyone got to practice writing their names on it?” Aaron pulled back and looked at her.

She had seen the cast and it didn't look like names as much as random scribbles, a lot of the kids were just barely learning their alphabet and their penmanship hadn't been the greatest at the time.

“And I asked if I could have one too, and you told me that he broke his arm and that it hurt a lot to break your arm and you thought I probably didn't really want one?” He questioned and she smiled and rubbed his cheek affectionately.

He had been caught up on how cool it was to have a cast for a week or so, Claire had even caught him scribbling on his arm in the bathroom. Though she didn't understand the fascination, it was clear that the idea was still one that he found intriguing.

“Yup.” She answered and kissed his forehead.

“Is Jane going to get a cool cast?” He asked and wiped at his forehead where she had kissed it, she tried to hide her amusement. It seemed that every day he got older and less inclined to let her baby him, though she noted he still seemed at home on her lap.

“I don't know. But probably.” She answered as honestly as she could.

“Do you think that Mom and Ian will let me write on it?”

She smiled. And now they got down the real matter at hand.

“I don't know, you'll have to ask them.”

“Can we call now and find out?” Aaron asked, innocent and eager. Kate tried not to laugh.

“Why don't we wait until they come home? I think they're kind of busy right now.” Kate suggested.

Aaron nodded then climbed off her lap and grabbed her hand tugging her to her feet.

“Alright. Can we play Hide and Seek, then?”

It was remarkable how quickly kids bounced back, Kate thought. She wondered when she grew out of that. Bouncing back, seemed to be the last thing she was capable of.

“Sure, why don't you go hide and I'll count.” He disappeared around the corner of the house before Kate even had the time to finish talking.

 

***

The drive over was not long enough.

He didn't call her. Mostly because he didn't want her to tell him not to come, but also because he was afraid her angry voice would be overheard by his daughter. Though he didn't think he would have all that much more luck by just showing up, he thought maybe the sight of Clem would temper her rage.

When he pulled up outside of her house, he barely had time to stop before Clem had her seat belt off and her door open. He was just about to follow his daughter out when his phone rang.

“What the hell were you thinking?” Cassidy's voice greeted him.

“Hey, Cass. I'm surprised you waited this long to call.” He sighed. His irritation of a few hours earlier had made a full transition to depression by this point and a few too many drinks were starting to sound good. He wondered if he could convince Kate to keep Clem for the night.

He was one sorry son of a bitch. He hasn't had his daughter for more than a few hours and he was already trying to pawn her off because his personal life was a mess. That wasn't fair to her, and it wasn't the kind of father he wanted to be either.

“You were driving. I didn't want to piss you off again with my daughter in the car.” Cassidy answered bluntly.

He smiled. At least she'd planned ahead. He didn't blame her for wanting to avoid upsetting him while behind the wheel of a car; though that meant she had a few hours to formulate an argument with him.

He watched as Clem ran up to the front door and knocked while he stood in the door of his truck on the phone.

“Thanks.” His voice was calm now, the edge missing. He felt bad for taking it out on her earlier, but something about Cassidy always made him on edge anyway. She had a certain knack for pushing all the right buttons.

“Look, you need to get your shit together. She thinks you're still hung up on your ex. She thinks you don't want her.” Cassidy chided.

He knew she would. Kate had an amazing ability to make everything about herself. To turn everything into a reason to hate or blame herself. And he had been less than careful with her. He hated that she could think that, but he had known that she would.

“Maybe she's right. Maybe I am still hung up on Juliet.” He sighed as he slammed his door and watched Kate's front door open. It was entirely possible that this time she was on to him. He wasn't one to over analyze his feelings; didn't much notice them till they smacked him upside the head and he had to tear himself away from the situation because it had escalated out of control.

“Bullshit.” Cass wasn't buying it and he supposed he didn't really buy it either. But as he watched his daughter jump up and down in excitement on Kate's front porch, he didn't really feel like talking about it.

“I don't know, Cass. Ok? I just don't know what to do. I couldn't do it. I couldn't hurt her again, but I did just that by leaving.” He spoke quickly, trying to give her enough to satisfy her until later.

Aaron stuck his head out followed by Kate. Clem turned and pointed toward the him and he waved back at the group on the porch. Kate didn't look pleased.

“Maybe you should tell her that.” His ex suggested like it was a new idea; one that had never crossed his mind and then been quickly dismissed. Kate wasn't going to believe words. She needed actions.

His actions had always left her alone. By leaving again, he only reinforced that insecurity.

“Yeah, maybe. Look, Cass I'm at Kate's with Clem it's really not a great time.” He brushed her off as Aaron ran down the porch steps toward him. “I gotta go.”

“Sawyer, don't you dare brush this off.” Cass warned, she had a point but he couldn't really hear it now. Not when Kate was glaring daggers at him from the porch and a little ball of boy was hurtling himself off the porch in his direction.

“Yup, I'll talk to you later.” He pulled the phone from his ear.

“I mean it!” Cass was yelling as he hung up.

“Uncle Sawyer!” Aaron called out as he crossed the lawn. “Guess what!”

“What?” He asked, tucking his phone in his pocket. Kate watched from the porch. She was torn between wanting to forgive him as he picked Aaron up and put him on his shoulders, and wanting to hate his guts forever.

“Jane fell off the couch and broke her arm. And she's got a cast. And Mom says I can stay with Aunt Kate tonight. Are you going to stay too?” He blurted out as the two of them reached the porch.

“I think Uncle Sawyer has some things to take care of.” Kate said coldly.

Any hope he had was crushed like the ice in her voice. He squatted down and helped Aaron climb off of his shoulders onto the porch.

“Yeah, but maybe Aunt Kate will let Clem stay and play a little while?” He asked looking up at her, keeping low to the ground; repentant look in place.

“Come on, Aaron. Let's go play.” Clem suggested, clearly picking up on the tension. They watched the two kids run off and stood in silence for a minute.

“I'm not a daycare facility.” Kate bit back.

He was screwed.


	25. A New Confession

_ _

_I need to be bold_   
_Need to jump in the cold water_   
_Need to grow older with a girl like you_   
_Finally see you are naturally_   
_The one to make it so easy_   
_When you show me the truth_   
_Yeah, I'd rather be with you_   
_Say you want the same thing too_   
_Say you feel the way I do_

I'd Rather Be With You  
 _-Josh Radin_

 

 

 

 

“She wanted to see you.” He explained, hoping that would ease the tension a bit.

“She is always welcome. Call next time.” Kate answered back coldly as she walked to the porch railing and leaned against it, doing her best to ignore him. Sawyer took the hint and stayed wisely on the wide steps, as if waiting for permission to approach.

Kate's front yard while on the smaller side, was still impressive for the area. It was fenced in with a low concrete wall while trees and shrubs grew along the sidewalk giving the illusion of privacy. Her driveway ran along the side of the house with very little space between it and the two or three steps that connected to the side of her porch. Just enough space for a gate between a garage and the house, a matching gate stood between her house and the concrete fence that separated her yard from her neighbors on the other side of the house.

The house itself was smaller, but he knew she didn't mind. She spent much of her time outside anyway.  
Cheery potted plants lined the steps he stood on, and he knew the effort that had gone into landscaping the front and back yards. But her favorite place was that front porch, sitting in her swing. She had told him once it reminded her of simpler times. When she was a child, before she knew anything about Wayne, she had lived in a small farmhouse with a porch that wrapped around the side of her house much like this one did. She said she remembered sitting on a similar porch swing with her father as the sun set. Watching his face light up as she recounted this tale or that, or listening as he explained the best way to build a fire or shelter. He had smiled as she sat next to him on the swing, murmuring about how they were skills she was never supposed to need. He had teased that she should have paid closer attention, then she had smacked him and rested her head on his shoulder as silence enveloped them.

It had struck him then, that she was opening up to him in a way he knew she didn't do. He had felt good, like he was finally doing something right. Like they were going to be okay. Now it just made him feel like a dick. He knew all these things about her, and she knew next to nothing about him comparatively speaking.

“Is Jane going to be ok?” He asked tentatively after a moment, trying to banish the image of her confession from his mind.

“What do you care?” She shot back, voice full of venom. Then she turned her back to him.

He understood he was in the doghouse, but he didn't expect her to be so cold. Though he didn't know why he was expecting anything different from her. Why had he thought that anything had really changed between them? Why had he thought that showing up would be enough to soften her heart?

“Do you want joint custody of Ophelia too?” He tossed out, hoping for a little bit of humor. His voice betrayed his irritation however. Just rough enough around the edges of the words to make her turn back and face him.

“What the hell, Sawyer?” She demanded as she crossed her arms in front of her.

“Well?” He persisted. He didn't really want to fight with her again; but if it was the only way to get a reaction from her, he'd take it. Not that he was all that eager to talk about it. He just didn't want her to stand there on that porch looking like she wanted to be anywhere else.

“You should leave.” She barked back, her hands moving to her hips.

“Can't we talk about it?” He questioned, daring to move up one step.

“You wanna talk about it?” She returned eyebrows raised, like maybe she was going to give him a shot after all. Still, he wasn't going to lie about it.

“Not really.” He answered, knowing that he had no idea what to even say. “But--” He began again as he saw her eyebrows drop and the hostility return, clouding her features with the impending storm of anger he knew she was so close to releasing in his general direction.

“No.” She cut him off.

“Kate, I'm trying here.” He sighed, his hands turned up in a gesture of peace, offering a truce.

“No, you aren't.” She answered back. “You're here because Clem wanted to come. Tell me you would have come on your own.”

She was right. He wouldn't have come on his own. In reality he had done everything he could think of to keep Clem from coming, short of telling her that they were fighting. He hadn't wanted to put her in the middle of it, and he didn't need a lecture from his daughter too.

“I wouldn't have and you know it.” He admitted looking away, partly in shame but mostly just irritated to be called out on it.

“So why are you still standing on my porch?” She asked, he could hear the exasperation in her voice. The irritation and annoyance seemed to drip from every word.

“Because I messed up, ok! Is that what you want to hear?” He demanded, loudly enough that she worried the neighbors might hear.

“No.” She hissed quietly. “I don't want you to mess up. I want you to fix it!”

She really didn't understand how he could be so dense. Why he thought that just because he showed up and still refused to talk about what happened between them, she should just take him back like nothing went wrong. She didn't understand why he couldn't ever say the right thing. Why he kept coming back for more.

She wished he'd just get the hell off her porch already.

“How? How am I supposed to fix it?” He hissed back, climbing up the last stair and standing on the porch in front of her.

“I don't know, and honestly I'm still too mad to care.” Her voice was empty, crystal and see through.

It pissed him off.

He missed her every goddamned day and she... well she didn't care. He wanted to punch something. Shake her. Scream in her face about how fucking messed up she made him.

“Well, when do you think you can get over yourself so we can fix it?” He snarled, his hands in tight fists at his side.

Sensing the danger and pent up rage building in him, Kate stepped closer as if daring him. Her jaw raised in defiance.

“Aren't you just so charming.” She sneered, as if the very thought of him—the taste of those words on her tongue—was the most disgusting thing she could imagine. As if he was the lowest form of life she could think of. As if she was so much better than he was.

Something snapped and his anger rushed from him as guilt and self doubt filled its place. His stomach turned as his mind jumped to the same conclusion.

She was right. He was a dick who couldn't even control himself long enough to figure out how to fix it.

“I don't know what you want from me, Kate.” He spoke softly, honestly and openly. She paused, looked up at him in confusion. She was not used to this from him. They were about fire and ice, off and on.

“And you think I know what you want from me?” She felt her eyes grow suspiciously moist.

She was so tired of this back and forth between them. So tired of never knowing just what she was to him. What he was to her. She just wanted to stop tugging on that thread between them, because she knew it was going to snap. She knew that they couldn't keep going at each other and expect that things would right themselves.

“Yes. No. I don't know.” He threw his hands up again in despair as the words tumbled from his lips one right after the other.

She had to know, one of them had to. But he had given her no clear indication, just as she had given him no clear indication.

“Well, I don't.” She admitted softly and stepped closer, as if she was offering herself in trade for a peaceful resolution.

“I don't know what I want from you either.” He didn't. Not entirely. He knew he wanted her in his life. He knew he wanted to be with her. But he didn't know what that meant in the real world. He didn't know how to make that happen, or if it was something she even wanted. He didn't know if it was even a possibility between the two of them. Could they make it work? They never could before. And though they were different now, was it ever going to be enough?

Maybe he was scared to try again, but she didn't make things any easier.

“Screw you, Sawyer. You knew well enough the other day.” She stepped back, feeling rejected once more.

“It was a mistake.” He blurted out.

“It always is. Maybe that's the problem.” She tossed over her shoulder as she walked back over to the porch railing and gripped it tightly.

It was a mistake. A mistake to let things get that far without talking about them first. Without figuring out what she wanted and what he wanted and if they could ever be the same thing.

He would stand by his decision to leave. But did she have to be so damned needy? Did she have to confuse everything he did and said?

“No, not like that.” He spit out. “Just.” started again. “God, you're frustrating.” then ended with nothing getting across. He had no words because he knew that she was just going to take whatever he said and turn it back around to make him look like the villain.

“A mistake. Frustrating. Anything else?” She goaded him on.

“Selfish. A bitch. Oh and don't let me forget childish and insensitive.” He played his part well. One day he'd learn to control himself better. Not that she deserved better. If she wanted to toss insults he would go with it.

“You should talk.” The ice returning to her voice as she turned her head to look at him.

“I didn't come over here to fight with you.”

She could see the sincerity in his eyes. He really hadn't come over to fight with her, but the devil in her wouldn't let it go. The hurt rejected girl wanted revenge. She wanted him to hurt as much as he hurt her. Because as she stood there watching him, she knew.

The only reason she was mad at him was because it hurt too much to be anything else.

“Then don't. Get off my porch.” Her voice almost cracked but she caught herself, gathered her nerves around her and spat it out as quickly as she could.

“I'm not leaving because you want me to.” He stepped closer to her and she stepped back.

“And I'm childish?” She questioned, her resolve quickly fading away. Her eyes burning as her throat picked up that strange thick quality that made breathing hard.

“Kate! Come on. Give it up already.” He closed the gap between them and place a hand on her arm. She looked up to meet his eyes. “I'm a bastard. Ok?”

No. It wasn't okay. She ripped her arm free and turned her back to him as she felt one eye overflow.

“Well, I knew that. Why you think that makes everything ok, I don't know.” She spit out as she quickly wiped at the weakness in her. Removing the moisture from her cheek in a quick swipe that she ended by tucking a strand of hair behind her ear, hoping he wouldn't catch her.

“I want to go back to the way things were before.” He said after a moment and her heart clenched in her chest, as if he held it in his fist. As if with each of his words he pressed just a little harder, squeezing everything out of her.

“No, we can't do that. I think you proved that the other day. There is no before.” She murmured softly.

He thought she might be crying, but he couldn't be sure. Didn't want to be sure. He had hoped that his words would ease whatever turmoil she felt. He still wanted her in his life, he didn't want to lose her.

“Sure there is. We were fine before Monday.” He said as he placed his hand on her shoulder, hoping to soothe.

“No, we weren't. If you can't see that then you really are blind. We've never been fine.” She said quietly before turning to face him and raising her tone to a normal and controlled level. “Just like we've never been friends.”

Her eyes may have been a little red, and a little wet, but she wasn't crying now. And he didn't like her suggestion.

“Yes, we have. Don't even try to pull that with me.” His tone was full of warning, but she didn't want to heed it. She wanted him to explode, she wanted him so mad he would turn around and leave her alone or deny her words and finally tell her what she was to him.

She was tired of fine. They weren't fine.

“No, we've always just been two fucked up people spending time together; because the rest of the world doesn't want us.”

And just like that it's out there and she can't take it back. Maybe she believed it. Maybe she really did think that the reason they worked together was because they couldn't really work with anyone else. Default lovers. Too broken to waste the time on repair. Cobbled together with bits and pieces, here and there, never complete. Not whole.

“Fuck you. What gives you the right to take what we have and spit on it like that? We were friends. You were the best thing to come along in a long time.” She watched him explode like she was trapped in some other room. Like it was happening somewhere else.

Her heart pounding in her ears, she took a deep breath then laid it on the line.

“Ok then. Were. We were friends. But if you were really my friend, you'd make up your damn mind and stop playing games. If you want me, fine. If you don't, fine.”

He wanted it to be that easy.

“It's not--” He started to defend himself but she cut him off.

“No, it is that easy.” She paused for a second, her finger hitting his chest to punctuate her words. “It is like that.” She stepped toward him pushing at him with her finger and he stepped back, almost losing his balance as one foot hit the top stair instead of the porch. “You just can't do it.”

“Wasn't too long ago you were the one running.” He said as he grabbed her hand and tore it away from his chest, keeping it locked in his hand until she pulled it free.

He was right, she did run from him. But as the sun dipped low in the sky and he stood before her, she knew she was done running.

“But I'm not anymore. I'm here. I don't know where the hell you are, and you know what? I don't care anymore.” She lied.

She cared.

A lot.

“Don't stand there and act like you've got it all together. You're not any better than I am. You've still got your secrets and you're still walking around like a wounded animal. You're going through the motions, but you're dead inside.” He was grasping at straws and he knew it.

“Says the man who fills up a notebook with all the things he can't say or do.” She sighed.

They were both dead inside, until... Well until he was ready to admit it, they would have to keep pretending to be dead inside.

“Says the woman who flips out at the thought of visiting a beach.” He lashed out.

His words hurt, but not as much as the truth did.

“Fuck you.” She whispered.

The truth burned inside and made her want to vomit.

“You tried. Didn't work.” He sneered. She had pushed him as far as she could. Only she knew how. She would bet that no one else could get him as worked up.

“I think you should leave.” She placed her hand on his chest and gave him a slight shove. “Now.” She added before pulling her hand back.

“I think we've just started.” He grabbed her wrist and yanked her to the edge of the porch roughly.

The truth was she loved him. Maybe she always had. Nothing he could say or do was ever going to change that.

“You really want your daughter to overhear this?” she asked, tugging on her hand to free it. His grip was like a vice and she knew she couldn't break free of it without help.

“We aren't done.” He insisted. She bit her bottom lip and looked away for a minute.

“No, you aren't done.” She gave one final tug but he held fast. “I'm done. I'm so beyond done.” He let her wrist slip free. Something in her eyes made him. Something haunting and tired.

“I don't want to see you again. Clem can visit whenever she wants, but we are finished.”

He didn't know what to do or say.

“Fine.” He pretended it didn't matter. If she wanted him out of her life it was no skin off his back. He would be fine without her.

“Good.” She smiled sadly and he wanted to wrap his arms around her and make it better. But he didn't.

“Fine.” He repeated and she stepped back from him. It felt like the whole world rushed in to fill the space. Felt like she was being torn from him. Like there were thousands of miles between them instead of mere inches. Like she was unreachable, an illusion that his hand would pass right through if he tried to grab hold of her again.

“You know the really sad part,” she hesitated a moment as he met her eyes. “I have never felt like this about anyone. It could have worked. I could have... Well, it doesn't matter now. There is no room in your life for two of us.” She tore her eyes away and rushed toward the door.

She loved him. Maybe she never came out and said the words, but he knew.

It struck him then that he had always known.

“...Freckles.” He reached for her but she was too far from him and his fingers met empty air.

“Please don't. Just go.” She paused at the door her back to him, her head resting lightly against it. Then she turned to face him one last time. This time he could see the tears that threatened to spill over. Could not deny them.

“Clem can stay the night. I just can't be around you right now.” She turned back to the door and tugged it open, hurried inside as he rushed back up the stairs.

“Kate.” He objected as his hand landed on the door preventing her from closing it all the way.

“We all have demons.” She whispered. “I get it.” He stepped back, his hand falling to his waist at her words. If anyone did, it was her.

“I'm here if you work yours out.” Her promise was so quiet he almost didn't hear it.

The door closed and he stood there for a long time before he finally made his way back to his truck.

He knew what he had to do.


	26. A New Direction

_ _

_Every breath is a second chance._   
_And it is always, always, always yours._   
_And I am always, I'm always, always yours._

_Always- Switchfoot_

 

As he drove home a million thoughts ran through his mind. Most all of them had to do with her and how he left things. Her quiet plea for him to return when he got things sorted out. The way her heart reflected in her teary eyes.

He could no longer deny it.

He wanted to be with her in every way that counted.

He wanted to be the one who settled in next to her at night. He wanted to be the one she griped at about mowing the lawn or leaving his dirty socks lying around. He never wanted to leave her porch for his place. He wanted it to be their place. Wanted to make a place just for them.

It had never been that clear before. Even with Juliet he had struggled with the idea and second guessed himself. This time was different, yet so familiar and comforting. Like maybe it was something his heart knew a long time ago.

Juliet had known.

It struck him how right she had always been. How she had known, even back then, that somehow things would work out this way between him and her. Had it been so obvious to everyone except the two of them?

No, if Juliet had lived he would have made a life with her. Making a life with Kate now didn't mean he loved Jules any less. But it didn't mean he had loved Kate any less back then either. He had wasted so much time on wavering back and forth between the two women, worried that by choosing one he was saying he loved the other less. It was all so clear now.

When he had fallen for Juliet, it had been different. A friendship that bloomed into something more. A relationship that never would have happened had they not both been so alone and hurting. Had they not needed each other, he never would have given her a second glance.

He had easily lumped his relationship with Kate into a youthful less mature infatuation when he realized the extent of his love for Jules. And he would have been content keeping it that way, with time and distance making her face fade a little more each day. But he had been wrong to write her off so easily.

What he had with Kate was a connection that he knew he would never have with any other woman. What he had been so eager to chalk up to lust and immaturity he now knew could not be contained by those words. It was so much more.

The part of his relationship with Juliet that came so easily and felt so safe could also be said for his new relationship with Kate. It wasn't the way he felt about Kate that had made their island tryst implode. It wasn't because they were bad for each other or because he was simply letting his cock lead him around.

They had needed to grow up a little. His love for her hadn't been immature. _He_ had. And so had she. He had hated himself and anyone who came to care for him. He had done his best to push them away. While she shared a similar disposition, she had been so afraid to trust anyone or anything including herself. She'd had this image of herself, of what she needed to make herself before she could be loved, that had always stood in the way.

So they had fought and pushed each other away and neither of them had had the guts to apologize or admit their own fault. Things would be different now.

He was comfortable with who he was, Juliet had shown him that. Her kind and gentle touch and eagerness to give him a fresh start had changed him. And then Clem had come along and finished what Juliet had started, with her big brown eyes and adoration for a man who had been afraid to even claim her as his daughter. They taught him patience, and forgiveness. They taught him how to take responsibility and care for another human being.

And Kate... He imagined that raising Aaron, on her own at times, must have taught her a few things as well. She was more patient. More open. And she was less inclined to run off and do something stupid without thinking about the possible outcomes. He didn't know who or what taught her about trust. He had to believe that it was Aaron, because he couldn't imagine her relationship with Jack left her feeling optimistic and trusting toward men. He had to believe that seeing how much that little boy loved her for being nothing but herself, how much he relied on her and trusted her to keep him safe, had to do something to help with her issues.

What he did know was that while she still held some things back, he knew he had the power to change that. He knew that if he said what he felt, she would reciprocate. It was a strange feeling, knowing that he had so much influence in her life. That she let him have so much without asking for much in return. Not really.

She had told him straight. If he didn't want to pursue it, they didn't have to. All she wanted was for him to make up his mind about it. Though he knew now that she was not a fan of not acting on their mutual attraction, he also knew that she wouldn't bother him for more if he said he didn't want more.

Unlike her younger self, she knew when to let go. Knew that grasping tighter only choked the life out of things, or mangled them beyond recognition.

While their timing had always been off in the past, he knew now that it was time for action. He knew what he had to do and as Ophelia greeted him at the door he smiled and patted her on the head.

He should have known from the beginning. The moment she walked into his place and kicked off her heels like she was home. When she batted her eyelashes and he fell all over himself to make her happy. That night, dancing so close and pretending it meant nothing to have her fill his arms again.

He should have let her in. He never should have shut her out.

Sitting down on the couch, he picked up the notebook that had caused her so much distress. He wondered that she cared so much about what it held. He knew what he had to do and he wondered why it seemed so easy to do now.

Opening it, he picked up his pen and got to work.

Ophelia barked to be let out, but he scribbled away furiously. Miles called and he ignored his phone. Cassidy called again, and again he let it go to voice mail. He was determined to finish the story, because he knew now.

Before, he hadn't known where to take the story. Before he had been conflicted with how Kate had seeped into the story without his knowledge. Effortlessly without thought, much like she had slipped back into his life. But now it seemed like the only way for the story to go.

He didn't care how long it took, he just knew he wasn't getting up until the last word was put to paper and it was ready.

The last of the sun's rays were disappearing in the sky when he set his pen down and closed the book. Ophelia looked up from her spot at the door and he smiled at her.

“Ok, girl.” He said as he stood and placed the book back on the coffee table. “Let's go.”

Grabbing her leash he hurried her out the door and through her business. Now that it was finished he wanted to get on with the next part of his plan. Ophelia seemed to sense his urgency and complied with his wishes, even starting back toward his apartment before him.

The hard part was knowing what to say. What would get him in the door long enough for her to accept his peace offering. To get her to listen at all.

When he got back inside his phone was ringing on the coffee table and as he checked the display he knew he had to answer. She wasn't going to stop calling if he didn't.

“Cass, now isn't really a good time.” He spoke softly as he took the phone to his room and rooted around in the drawer by the bed for the other two notebooks he had already filled since Kate had walked back into his life.

“Now you listen to me. I don't care if it's a good time or not--” Cassidy got ready to rip him a new one for hanging up on her earlier.

“I'm giving them to her.” He interrupted Cassidy before she had the chance to get any farther, pulling one of the notebooks free from the drawer and setting it on the bed next to him.

“What?” She questioned and for a minute he almost believed she didn't know what he was talking about.

“Don't play dumb with me. I know the two of you have talked about them.” He started. “The notebooks? What I'm writing? Hell, I'd even bet it was you who got her so hell bent on knowing what was in them.” He finished as he found the final notebook and pulled it free setting it on the bed with the other one.

“What is in them?” Cass asked innocently and he smiled.

Right, cause he was going to fall for that.

“If Kate wants to share with you I can't stop her, but it really isn't any of your business.” He smirked as he moved to close the drawer and his eye caught an unopened box of condoms shoved to the back of the drawer.

If that didn't say more about his relationship with Kate than anything else did...

“So you admit it then?” Cass questioned.

He pulled the box free and was embarrassed to see the expiration date on the box. His younger self would be disgusted. Not that he wasn't aware of just how long it had actually been, it was just that seeing the evidence in the form of an expired box of contraceptives seemed to paint a better picture.

There had been a time in his life when the idea of having a box sit around long enough to expire would have been mortifying. Now it was only mildly humorous.

“Admit what?” He questioned idly as he tossed the box into the trash and made a mental note to pick up some more. Hopefully, he would be needing them.

“That you love her.” Cass offered sincerely.

He pondered the pros of playing with her, but came to the conclusion that it was past time he fess up.

“I think we both know that has always been true in some form or another.” He said softly as he picked up the notebooks and headed back to the living room.

“Is it for good this time?” Cass questioned.

He hoped so. He was done playing games. All he really wanted to do was make a new life with her. It was time to leave the past behind them. It was time to move on and embrace the future they could share. But it wasn't entirely his call.

“I don't know. I think that's up to Kate.” He answered as he tossed the notebooks on the table with the one he had just finished and gestured to Ophelia, who stood patiently with her leash still attached to her collar by the door.

Ophelia bounded over to him and he unclasped the leash as Cass gushed her opinion on the matter.

“It's all she really wants, even if she won't admit it. If she tells you to take a hike, keep trying. That girl has been crazy about you for years.”

He hoped Cass was right, but couldn't help but smile at her enthusiasm.

“Why are we even talking about this?” He asked, scratching behind Ophelia's ear.

“Because you know I'll find out anyway and you want to spare yourself the time and effort of keeping it from me.”

While that may have been true, there was no way in hell he was talking to her about it before he had even talked to Kate about it. If he had to talk to her about it at all. Hopefully Kate would be the one spilling their story in one of those long drawn out phone calls he knew they shared.

“Right. Anyway, I have to go over there before it gets too late and she refuses to answer her door.” He said as he rested against the arm of his couch, Ophelia's head resting on his thigh.

“Clem will be so excited you know, she doesn't ever stop talking about her Aunt Kate.” Cass continued and it hit him for the first time that this could make things awkward between them.

If things got serious between them, as he hoped they would, then one day Kate could be Clem's step-mother. And though he knew that Kate and Cass had worked their issues out, things could easily become sticky between the two of them. He had heard all kinds of stories about mother's and teenage daughters and was sure that his daughter was not going to be an easy teenager. The last thing he needed was for his relationship with Kate to become a problem with his relationship with the mother of his daughter.

“Are you really ok with it? Not that it matters, but I don't want things getting weird.” He questioned hesitantly. It wouldn't change his mind on the matter. He just wanted to know how things stood so he could deal with them before they got out of hand.

Cassidy laughed at him.

“I'm happy for you, James. It's about damn time you did the honorable thing.” She said after a moment.

He tried not to be offended.

“You two both act like I'm some horrible creature for keeping my private thoughts private.” He grumbled.

“You are. Now get over there and give them to her.”

He was never going to win. Women were crazy like that sometimes.

“Hey, Cass?” He questioned before she hung up.

“Yeah.”

“You think maybe you could hold off calling me again tonight?” He teased.

“Shut up.” She retorted.

“Oh. Kate too.” He pushed his luck.

“If you don't get your ass over there soon, I'll call Kate myself.” Cassidy snarked.

“I'm going.”

He hung up and shoved his cellphone in his pocket.

“What do you think, Ophelia? You think she's gonna slam the door in my face?”

Ophelia stared back at him with a blank face.

“Yeah. Probably.”

Maybe if he tied the notebooks to Ophelia and sent her in first he could escape without too much damage.

With a heavy sigh he picked up the notebooks and headed toward the door without the dog. It was past time for fear and hesitation.

It was time to take action.

The drive back to her place took less time than he hoped it would. Traffic was on his side and as he pulled up in front of her house for the second time that day, darkness was gathering around him.

He hoped it was enough.

As he hopped out of his truck and grabbed the notebooks he offered a silent plea to anyone who was listening. He knew he didn't deserve her, he knew she could do so much better. But he hoped he could be enough. Hoped that this would be the last time he would have to face her with so much uncertainty. With the dread of not knowing if this would be the last time.

He wasn't a coward, but hell if this didn't make him just want to crawl under a rock and hide somewhere. He wasn't some emotional sap who had the right words and he didn't care for long drawn out confessions either.

So when she opened the door to her surprised face, he said nothing.

He didn't beg her to take him back or confess that he was in love with her.

He simply handed her the one thing she wanted.

His heart, scrawled in bad handwriting and littered with spelling and grammatical errors. Smudged like the ink on the page. Crinkled around the edges. But it was his to give.

Her eyes welled up and she tried to speak but no sound came out. She clutched the notebooks to her chest as she gathered her emotions and wrestled them back into form.

“Thank you.” She whispered and he nodded.

Then she disappeared into her room and closed the door beginning what had to be the longest night of his life.


	27. A New Truth

_***_  
  
_Beneath the sheets of paper lies my truth._  
  
Samson  
 _-Regina Spekto_ r  
  
  
***

  
  
  
  
It's sweet, she thinks as she settles on her bed. Her back against the headboard, pile of notebooks by her side, the one thing that comes to mind is that she can't believe it actually happened. That he actually cared enough to open up to her in this way.  
  
That he came over and took control of the kids so that she could go lock herself away and read what he had been keeping from her.  
  
Part of her felt selfish. Like she had asked too much of him for reasons that were not all that important. But he had given it to her anyway. He understood that part of her that was always afraid nothing would be good enough. The part that was always waiting for the shit to hit the fan and the other shoe to drop.  
  
So she didn't open the first notebook right away. Instead she sat with it clasped to her chest, her fingers running idly along its edges as she debated with herself.  
  
The gesture in and of itself was enough. Or it should have been. Part of her had been so thirsty for what the book held for so long that nothing less than drinking it up would satisfy. But she was also afraid of what it held.  
  
She knew Juliet was in it. She didn't know how much she could take, how hard it would be to read about them together. Would his writing confirm her fear that he could never love her enough to make it work? Would it only tell her his heart would always belong to another woman?  
  
Their future would be determined by what those pages held. Nothing would change that.  
  
Part of her was tempted to skip to the last page. Was it a story? A journal? Did it end or was it something he would keep writing? And did letting her read it mean what she thought it did?  
  
Letting out a heavy sigh she sank back and dropped her arms, allowing the notebook she held to fall open on her lap. Her fingers traced the words for a minute before she began flipping through pages.  
  
His handwriting varied, she could see where he rushed to get through a thought or idea, the letters running together messily. The places his pen seemed to press just a bit harder. The angry dark marks where words were crossed out. Her fingertips danced over all of it, little ridges and grooves under her skin. Flawed like him. Like her. Yet beautiful at the same time.  
  
Taking a deep breath she turned to the first page.  
  
_He was just passing through. Much of his life up to that point had been about just passing through, and settling didn't seem like an option anymore. So when he pulled his bike into the station for gas he had no illusions or reasons to believe that this stop would be any different from the last fifteen, forty, five hundred.  
  
There was a sign in the dirty window: Help Wanted. Inquire Within. A million pieces of paper on a cork board by the men's room: Free Kittens, Reyes' Lawn Service, Truck for sale. The obligatory map: You are here, with too many curvy lines indicating where you could be instead.  
  
Jake knew the scene all too well and as he made his way down the overcrowded aisles to pick up a few snacks for the road, he bumped into all the same people. The overtired driver filling his cup at the soda machine with some beverage that had way too much caffeine but would do little to keep him awake ten miles down the road. The kids fighting with each other from too many hours cooped up next to each other in the car. The locals chatting it up over last night's game.  
  
It all had an element of home in it, he supposed. Sometimes he'd toy with the idea of settling down somewhere but then he'd remember this and the urge left as quickly as it had come.  
  
He dug in his pocket for the last of his cash and quickly counted it. Just enough to pay for the fuel he'd put in and a six pack. Not enough for a new pack of cigarettes and he was running low.  
  
Sighing he put the six pack back and walked up to the counter.  
  
“Yeah, I'd like to talk to you about your sign.”_  
  
As Kate read on she found herself losing track of time. Sawyer's words painted a clear picture of what she had always wondered. They spoke of his childhood of his hopes and dreams and how he saw life. The situations were different, Jake was a troubled city boy who had little of the redneck she knew Sawyer secretly clung to. But it was enough. She imaged Sawyer's story was more universal than not and he did a believable job in creating it in print.  
  
Maggie was a bit of a mystery to her however.  
  
She started out like Juliet. So much so that Kate wondered why he even bothered changing the name.  
  
It was hard to read. She found herself stopping for air. Coaxing herself on. Telling herself that it couldn't all be about his obvious love for another woman.  
  
It was just so hard to see how much he loved her and know that he couldn't be with her in life. To stand on the other side and wonder what that meant for her.  
  
She almost stopped reading entirely when he described their first date. She cried when he talked about their first kiss and she set the notebook down on the bed next to her when he wrote about making love to her for the first time. Her stomach somewhere near her throat.  
  
It was what she had wanted though. To know what he was writing. To read it.  
  
What she didn't do was pine after Jack. She thought of him only once. Only to note that Jack never would have felt so strongly. She was sure she never would have left such a lasting imprint on him had things been different. Which didn't bother her much, because he didn't leave that kind of imprint on her either. Somewhere along the way she had moved on.  
  
It took her twenty minutes to convince herself, but when she did she wiped at her eyes and picked it up again. It got easier to read how happy he would have been with Juliet as the pages flew by. His words were simple and to the point but they were crafted together in a style that entertained and enticed. They left her unable to simply stop.  
  
It was halfway through the second notebook when she first noticed something different.  
  
_When she came back for the popcorn he was standing in front of the photo again, not really seeing it, lost in memories of what his life had been.  
  
“Hey.” She called out to get his attention.  
  
He turned his head to her.  
  
“Hey.”  
  
Time seemed to freeze as the sun streamed through a window to her side. It bounced off of her hair, casting a reddish tint to her curls. She smiled, it lit up her whole face. She wore a black top, tiny straps over her shoulders, almost skin tight. Her bra straps also black, visible against her white freckled shoulders. Still in her frayed jeans, her bare feet sticking out from under them. Little red dots on her toenails where the paint still clung to the nails stubbornly. Chipped and scuffed like her personality.  
  
She sent him a puzzled look and curled her toes under. A slight flush to her cheeks, like maybe she was embarrassed for him to see.  
  
“You ready?” She asked.  
  
“Always.” He answered. It was the first time he thought it would last forever. The first time he could see himself settled in one spot with one woman until the end. The first time he let it be a real option.  
  
It was like seeing her for the first time, something magical. Yet it had all the comfort of every other time, safe and as much of a home as he'd ever found. What he did know was that he couldn't ever let her go again. _  
  
Kate's mind flashed back on that evening not all that long ago. He had given her that strange look in Claire's kitchen. She was still feeling awkward, scared she'd chase him away. But she remembered a moment so much like the one he described in his notebook she had to wonder when it was written.  
  
Shaking it off she continued reading until she stumbled across another incident a little while later. Jake had dragged Maggie to a coworker's wedding and they were dancing with other people.  
  
“ _Who's the guy?” Jake asked as he pulled Maggie into his arms a few moments later. She laughed as he tried to lead her through some kind of country line dance. It ended up with her stepping on his foot more often than not and them bumping into the couple next to them more than once.  
  
“Nobody. Who's the girl?” Maggie asked as the music slowed and he slid his hands down her back. Her skin tingling in response, as he pulled her up to his chest and she wrapped her arms around his neck. His hands came to rest lower than they should have, but she didn't notice.  
  
“Nobody.” He murmured into her hair, it smelled heavenly as he rested his cheek against it. Her fingers played in the hair at the nape of his neck, chills running down his spine. He brought one hand up to rub across her bare back and she snuggled in closer.  
  
“Thank you for making me come out tonight.” Her lips brushed against his neck.  
  
“Thank you for wearing this dress.” He teased as he slid his other hand up her back and crushed her to his chest. She pushed against him halfheartedly then tightened her grip around his neck, her chest flattened against his as she danced on her tip toes.  
  
“Hmmm... one more crack about my dress and I may be forced to give you something else to complain about.” Her leg slipped between his ever so slightly as she made her meaning clear with a faked knee raise, before slipping free again. He swallowed and tried to collect himself. Her threat had done quite the opposite. He wondered if anyone would notice if the two of them disappeared into the men's room together.  
  
His hands slid around to her sides, fingertips dancing over the side of her rib cage. She knew she should scold him for his wandering hands, but it felt so good to have someone touch her. Tease her in that slow tantalizing way he excelled at.  
  
“It's getting late.” He whispered in her ear, close enough that his lips brushed her earlobe and sent chills down her spine. Her heart nearly beating out of her chest. But he showed no sign of moving away.  
  
“I should get home.” She whispered back. Part of him wanted to disagree, to pull her closer and whisper in her ear again, see if he could make her shiver. And the parts of her that remembered his touch wanted no words, just his attention.  
  
“Come home with me tonight.” His lips traveled the length of her neck and she groaned softly in response.  
  
“What's in it for me?” She teased, pulling back and holding him at arm's length.  
  
“You're so adorable when you're cruel and conniving, anyone ever tell you that?” He smirked then pushed her arms away and grabbed her around the waist picking her up off the floor he started toward the door. She giggled infectiously as she grabbed on to him, wrapping her arms around his neck to keep her balance.  
  
“Alright. You win. I'll go home with you, Snugglebottoms.” She chirped and he rolled his eyes.  
  
_  
  
She laughed out loud, remembering not only that first night at the bar together when those other two people turned out to be just that: Nobody, but also that morning with his next door neighbor and the birth of that god awful nickname.  
  
As she continued reading slowly there was a change.  
  
Much of the situations and scenarios he had decided to include in his book were similar to those he shared with her. Maggie and Jake picking out a dog. Road trips. Movie nights. Even an incident where Maggie watched the neighbor kids and Jake tagged along to help out.  
  
At first Maggie's character was still very much Juliet but as she read on little things slipped in. Maggie had freckles now. She said things that Juliet never would have said. Things that Kate recalled saying herself.  
  
Things that meant things.  
  
She could see that in the beginning of the shift Sawyer had crossed things out, but as time progressed it seemed that he got used to the idea or maybe forgot to look entirely. By the end of the third notebook it was clear however.  
  
Sawyer was no longer writing about his relationship with Juliet.  
  
It was about them.  
  
Kate put the notebook down and quickly dived into the final book. It was late, or very early, but she couldn't stop. Part of her was still reeling from the fact that he thought they had a future together. Or imagined a future with her anyway.  
  
What she found fascinating, though, was that their imagined relationship mirrored their current one in almost every aspect including the part where he kept part of himself locked away. Jake may not have written his frustrations in a notebook but he didn't share them with Maggie either. Which made for some explosive fights and some desperate pleadings as well.  
  
Kate thought for certain that Sawyer would have opened up in his writing and in a way he had. He was open with his character's motivations, feelings, and intentions, but his characters weren't open with each other.  
  
And as the story progressed they became more and more frustrated with each other.  
  
She had to wonder where it would end. Would Maggie forgive him for holding back? Would Jake finally open up to her?  
  
__  
Something sick settled in his stomach. Something that made his blood run cold and his head spin.  
  
He couldn't do that to her again.  
  
He couldn't fuck her and pretend it didn't mean anything. It meant everything. He didn't want it to be like that. Wanted it to be pure and simple and special.  
  
And she just stood there grinning like she won the lottery. So damn happy she looked ready to burst giggles and sunshine all over the room.  
  
She deserved so much better. She was right. He was a coward.  
  
A coward and the asshole that was going to break her heart again, because he couldn't come out and admit it. Because part of him still wanted to run from her. Part of him still wanted to keep her just far enough away.  
  
He had never opened up to any woman, but Maggie knew no limits. She wanted to own him entirely, because she knew him. She knew what made him tick, what made him angry. How to make him happy. She knew it all. Even though he selfishly horded himself away.  
  
She was right.  
  
If he took her upstairs, they would end in another explosion. One that he knew they couldn't come back from. He couldn't be with her halfway, and that's what this was. As tempting as she was, as much as he craved her physically, if he couldn't open up to her emotionally they wouldn't last. And he cared too much about her to lose her again.  
  
Kate felt as if the air had been sucked from the room. She set the notebook down and cast her eyes toward the bedroom door.  
  
Had he really been upset about that? Was it really not about not wanting her, but about wanting her too much?  
  
His actions seemed to agree with his words.  
  
He gave her the only thing she ever really wanted.  
  
She picked up the book and continued reading.  
  
Jake and Maggie fought some more and then he returned to her porch where the story stopped abruptly.  
  
Confused, she flipped the page to find more of his messy scribbles. But these had nothing to do with Jake and Maggie.  
  
  
  
I've always sucked at the words. You know that. I'm sorry, I never wanted to hurt you. I don't know how to be that man for you. But I'd like to try. I'm never going to be the man that Jack was. But KATE, I love you. I'm tired of fighting it. I'm tired of pretending you don't mean what you do.  
  
I'm ready. I'll be waiting.  
  
If you don't want to pursue anything, I'll understand. But if you want to try again with a clean slate (like Little House) I'll be here. I don't want to lose the best thing in my life because I was too afraid to try.  
  
And you are, Freckles. Everything.  
  
So take your time. Gather your thoughts. And when you're ready, come find me.  
  
She closed the notebook and wiped at the tears that streamed down her cheeks.  
  
He loved her. He wanted to be with her.  
  
She didn't need time.  
  
Pushing herself from the bed she nearly flew to the door and ripped it open. Rushing down the stairs so quickly she almost tripped over her feet, she stopped short in the doorway to the living room. Mouth half open ready to spit out her desire to try, she took in the sight that met her.  
  
He was slumped on the couch with Aaron's head on his left thigh and Clem tucked under his right arm. Aaron and Clem both started out with blankets, but Clem had kicked hers to the floor and Aaron's was in dire straights as well.  
  
All three of them were out cold.  
  
The clock on the mantle read 3:47am and the TV droned softly in the background as if they had all curled up together to watch a movie and had quickly nodded off after it started playing.  
  
Smiling, she picked up the remote and flipped off the TV then settled quietly in the chair across from them.  
  
Her family.  
  
They weren't ideal. They weren't even all that functional, but they were hers just as she belonged to them.  
  
She watched them for a little bit. Aaron drooled on Sawyer's pants while Clem snuggled closer to her father, and Sawyer... She bit back a chuckle as his head fell back and he started snoring loud enough to wake the neighborhood.  
  
Standing up, she silently slipped over to the couch and gently guided Sawyer's head back to rest more comfortably against the couch. He stirred and she pressed her lips to his temple.  
  
“Go back to sleep.” She murmured and he grunted as he settled again. “We have the rest of our lives to figure this out.” She added, then leaned down and kissed both children as she pulled Clem's blanket up and adjusted Aaron's as well.  
  
Flipping off the light, she silently returned to her room and turned down her covers.  
  
Tomorrow would come soon enough.  
  
And despite the excitement bubbling in her stomach, she found that sleep claimed her quickly as well.

 

 

 


	28. A New Beginning

_Happy to lay here_   
_Just happy to be here_   
_I'm happy to know you_   
_Play me a song, your newest one_   
_Please leave your taste on my tongue_   
_Paperweight on my back_   
_Cover me like a blanket_   
_Mess up my bed with me_   
_Kick off the covers I'm waiting_   
_Every word you say I think I should write down_   
_Don't wanna forget come daylight_   
_And no need to worry, that's wasting time_   
_And no need to wonder what's been on my mind_   
_It's you_

Paperweight  
_-Joshua Radin & Schuyler Fisk_

 

He awoke with a start. The room was dark, the TV was off, and somewhere in the back of his mind he vaguely recalled her voice and touch. He carefully pulled his phone free and illuminated the screen so he could see the time. Almost five thirty in the morning, it was no wonder his neck was complaining.

His leg felt numb from where Aaron's head rested against it, and Clem's small body against his opposite side was an inferno. All in all, it wasn't the best way to spend the night. He was surprised that Kate...

And then he remembered exactly why they were all on the couch together. Sensing the tension between him and Kate, neither child had been able to sleep and both had climbed out of bed to join him as he waited on her couch for her response. As if they knew their futures also hung in the balance, they both settled quietly next to him and he hadn't had the heart to send them away.

They must have fallen asleep waiting for her and then missed her entirely.

He knew she had come down though, and since she hadn't woken him up and told him to leave her the hell alone, he was hoping she felt the same way he did.

The last thing he wanted to do was push her, but he needed to know. There was no way he would be able to go back to sleep until then. Especially not sandwiched between the two kids. So he extracted himself from between them, gently lowering Clem down to the couch next to Aaron as he carefully replaced his leg with a toss pillow under the boy's head.

As he stood, his leg protested loudly, sending thousands of tiny pinpricks through the sleeping limb. His neck was sore and his back was stiff and the thought that Kate was getting a rapidly aging man passed through his head as he started toward the stairs.

His heart was loud in his chest as he climbed the stairs. What if she didn't want him to leave, but she didn't need him to be anything more either? How was he going to face her everyday knowing that she never wanted anything more, while he remembered just how much more they could have?

He felt his way blindly, his hand running along the banister, then the wall down the hall to her door. It was cracked open and he tried to peer in at her, but the wall curved and all he could see was the lump at the end of the bed that was her feet.

He didn't want to wake her, it was late and he knew she must have been up late reading. But he wanted to see her, be there when she woke. So he silently slipped into the room.

Standing over her bed, he watched as she slept.

When they were together before, he never really had the opportunity to catch her still sleeping. She rarely spent the entire night with him, and even when she did she was always awake before him. Seeing her now, relaxed and breathing so soft and even, was a first. Her dark hair on the white pillow, her slight form cocooned in blankets. He wanted nothing more than to pull those blankets back and slip in behind her. To gather her in his arms and whisper tender words in her ear.

One thing was for certain: it'd be a hell of a lot more comfortable than her couch.

He smiled to himself and backed away from the bed, settling in an overstuffed chair by the window.

His notebooks were on the table beside the bed and he wondered if she had gotten all the way through them, or if she had forgiven him and come down before she read that last page. The impatient little boy in him wanted to pounce on the bed next to her and wake her up to ask her. Like a kid on Christmas waiting to unwrap his presents.

Christmas was coming quickly, actually. He had no real plans, Cassidy had Clem for Christmas this year and he got her for New Year's. He had hoped that he would be spending it with Kate. Now there was nothing he wanted more. To wake up next to her on Christmas morning and keep her in bed all morning. He had been debating on what to get her. Three months ago he wouldn't have given it a second thought. Three months ago she hadn't been in his life.

It seemed like forever. Like there had never really been a time when she'd been out of his life. But then it felt like just yesterday, when they had first bumped into each other. Their first argument. Trying to figure out how they fit into each others lives.

Now things would change again. Hopefully for the better.

He watched as she turned toward him and the moonlight lit up her features. Her mouth open as a small snore escaped. There was so much he still didn't know about her.

Everyday little things. Her favorite foods, music, hobbies. He had learned a lot in the past few months, but every day he would discover something new. For all the time they had spent together on the island, it was so little to what they had now. Almost insignificant. It was puzzling how he could know her so well, yet know so little.

He shifted in the seat and propped his feet up on the matching ottoman as his eyes scanned her room.

It was tasteful, simple and homey. Kate wasn't really a girly girl, so he hadn't been expecting flowers and lace. It was a place he could see her in. A place he could see them in. Him in this chair reading while she flitted around the room getting ready for bed. Could see her slip into his lap and pry the book from his hands. Coaxing him to bed with her very inviting body.

Could see Clem sitting on the bed and watching Kate get ready to go out. Questioning her about everything. Kate's gentle responses as he slumps on the bed next to his daughter and tickles her until she begs him to stop and then she slips free and scurries down the hall.

He could easily paint a life for them in this place. Something he had never imagined he would do again with any woman.

Resting his head against the chair, he closed his eyes and let the images wash over him.

Kate in front of her dresser, digging through her top drawer looking for some item of clothing. In only her underwear. Her warm skin against his as he slips behind her and traps her in his arms. His lips against her neck as she protests and tries to push him away, catching his eyes in the mirror in front of her.

Kate calling him over to the window as he walks by the room. She points outside and he sees Aaron playing with Ophelia in a pile of leaves.

Making love to her in the moonlight. Her fingers digging into his skin as she closes her eyes and lets go.

He wanted it all.

She stirred and he opened his eyes and cast them in her direction. It took her a few moments, but she opened her eyes and blinked back confusion.

“Sawyer?” She asked, her voice was scratchy from sleep, but sexy as hell.

“Yeah.” He answered.

“The kids!” She exclaimed as she bolted up in bed. “Did something-”

“They're fine.” He soothed, interrupting her as he stood and made his way back to the bed and sat next to her.

“I promise.” He added as his hand found her shoulder and gently pushed her back, her eyes still worried. “Go back to sleep.” He continued and she reluctantly settled back on the bed. His hand still resting on her shoulder, she grabbed his wrist and held him.

“We should talk.” She whispered seriously.

“It can wait till morning.” He murmured and brushed his thumb along her cheek. She smiled and closed her eyes as she tilted her head into his hand.

“Kay.” She yawned and he smiled. She seemed to be well on her way back to sleep so he stood and started across the room back to his chair.

“Where are you going?” She asked as her hand reached out and grabbed his shirt.

He turned to face her and she grinned and pulled back the blanket next to her with her free hand.

He grinned back.

“Come to bed.” She whispered, her eyes as inviting as her arms.

And like that every nerve in his body seemed to fire to life. He wondered if she knew just how provocative her tone was, or if the flash of thigh was purely unintentional. Not that he minded either.

“Well Freckles, since you asked so nice like...” She released his shirt and he put his knee on the bed next to her. “Don't mind if I do.”

Putting his weight on the bed, he surprised her as he started to climb over her body to get to the other side of the bed. He pretended to slip, his body crushing hers to the bed, as she shoved against his chest and grunted in mild protest.

“At least lose the jeans first. Who knows when the last time you washed them was.” She objected as he rolled off of her and back to his feet next to the bed a few moments later. She didn't really care one way or the other how clean his jeans were. She just wanted to be that much closer to him, she supposed.

“You want me to take my clothes off? I'm wondering just what your intentions are, young lady.” He teased, more than happy to shed a few layers. He couldn't wait to feel her legs rub his under the covers, but he couldn't resist giving her a hard time about it. Especially when her eyes flashed and she bit her full bottom lip in response.

“Eventually, I intend to have my way with you. You're not objecting are you?” She asked as she sat up and swung her feet over the edge of the bed, watching with a mischievous grin as he unbuttoned his jeans and pushed them to the ground.

“Not even a little bit.” He answered. “This better?” He asked, indicating his new state of attire. He could feel her gaze on his skin as she took him in. Brazenly checking him out, and simultaneously turning him on

“Almost.” She sighed then came to her knees on the edge of the bed. Her hands on the bed beside her, offering him an unintentional but lovely view of her cleavage. “Come here.” She almost purred.

He paused for a minute before obliging her. Fair was fair after all. Taking in her creamy white thighs as the blankets slipped free and she knelt in front of him in an undershirt and a pair of black lace trimmed boy-shorts. Letting his eyes linger a little longer than necessary on the way her breasts filled out her shirt. Reveling in the knowledge that she was his.

He wanted to help her out of what little she wore, but as she looked up at him something in her eyes calmed his ardor. Something so trusting and honest. So elemental. Essential.

When he finally did step up to the bed, he caught her face between his hands and met her eyes. It felt like she couldn't breath, couldn't move, like her heart was going to pound right out of her chest. Her tongue twisted up in her mouth, her hands clumsy as they came to rest on his shoulders.

“What's wrong with this?” He asked after a moment, his voice deep and rough. His heart overwhelmed by the intensity of the moment. The urge to cradle and protect her rested heavily on his shoulders. To make her laugh. To dry her tears. To wrap her up and keep her away from anything that could harm her. To never let go. But the feeling didn't bother him, on the contrary, he wanted the responsibility. Wanted to be the only one who ever got the honor.

Nothing was wrong with it. Nothing and everything. She thought as he held her gaze. Her body very much wanted him to lose the rest of his clothing, while her mind reminded her they still had a few things to discuss. Not to mention the fact that if he lost his clothes and she lost hers, there was no guarantee she was ever going to get out of bed again and there were two children sleeping on her couch that would be up in a few hours and in need of attention.

“Don't get me wrong, I don't think we should...” She blushed and looked away. She couldn't believe she was going to turn the opportunity down, or that she'd have to tell him. Way to make things awkward. Sometimes she felt so unprepared, so inexperienced at this kind of thing. Especially with the knowledge of his past.

He kissed her forehead then directed her eyes back to his.

“Freckles, it will happen.” He spoke gently, and her embarrassment melted away. “But not tonight. With our luck, someone would come bounding in that door the minute we touched. I just want to be with you tonight. Nothing else needs to happen.”

And maybe for the first time in his life he believed it. All those times he'd used similar words to get himself into a position that he could use to a change the mind of whatever girl he was with, this time he meant it.

It was enough just to be with her.

She smiled, his sincerity radiating through her.

“Nothing?” She teased a moment later; her fingers, unable to resist, playing in his hair.

He matched her smile, couldn't believe how happy she made him. How easy it was for her to make him forget all the shit that came before and just be. Just share one simple moment, and make it feel like she'd taken forever and given it to him, gift wrapped.

“Well...” His hands slid down to her waist and pulled her to him, wishing he could tie them together and never let any space between. “My hands might wander a bit. I am only human.”

Her thin undershirt did nothing to block her body heat. It melted into him as his hands ran soothingly up and down her back.

Sometimes he made her lightheaded, she noted as his hands reacquainted themselves with her form. She only hoped she could return the favor once in awhile as she slid her hands down his chest and under his shirt.

“Whoops.” She whispered, dragging her hands back up his body and tugging his shirt over his head in the process.

“Dirty little minx.” He smirked then pushed her back down onto the bed, he could see where this would lead despite every best intention they had. And he knew distance was necessary.

She giggled then slid over to the other side of the bed and waited for him. He couldn't keep the smile from his face.

“Are you going to keep your hands to yourself?” He teased as he slipped under the covers next to her.

“I don't think you have all that much honor left to protect.” She responded, cuddling close. He wrapped his arm around her, his fingers playing in her hair as she rested her head against his chest and tangled her legs with his. “Besides, I don't think either of us really want that.”

“Is that so?” He played like he didn't know exactly what she wanted to say to him just a few hours ago when she had rushed down to tell him she was ready for more. Wanted to be with him.

“Oh, like you didn't know.” She gave him a playful shove.

“I've learned not to assume things when it comes to us.” He answered truthfully. She tilted her head back to meet his eyes.

“I want this. I want to go to sleep next to you every night. I don't want to lie about what we are to each other. I've missed you for far too long already. I'm ready. I know we said we'd talk about it tomorrow, but we're both awake now. I read what you wrote and it was beautiful, James. I can't tell you, there are no words for how much it meant to me. Thank you.” She breathed out, her eyes hauntingly open and soberingly sincere.

“Eh, it was just a story.” He tried to shrug it off. He knew just what it took her to say those things and it touched him to the core. But he also knew enough not to make a big deal out of it.

“Ours.” She insisted, flopping on her stomach next to him and resting her arms on his chest as she looked down at him.

“You think so, huh? What gave it away?” He prodded, gently teasing her with his tone.

“Oh, I don't know.” She smirked, then leaned down and whispered in his ear. “The bit at the end was kind of telling though.”

“Which part?” He asked, as he wrapped his arms around her waist and held her close. Her face grew serious again and when she answered it sounded as if she was a little choked up.

“The one where you told me you loved me and that you wanted to try.”

He wanted to more than try. There was no more 'try' with them. He rubbed her back gently for a minute, letting her gather herself together before responding.

“Hmmm, I wrote that?” He taunted.

She pushed herself away from his chest.

“Oh, I'm sorry am I in bed with the wrong man?” She questioned as she rolled away from him in response.

“Hell, no. Get that sexy ass back over here.” He rolled after her and caught her in his arms from behind. Pressing his lips to her ear, he whispered. “I meant it.”

Slowly, she turned to face him. Resting her hand against his cheek as he held her close.

“I know.” She whispered. “Believe me when I say, I want that too. I want to try. I'm done pretending not to care. I care...” She closed her eyes before adding. “...a lot actually.”

“I know.” He murmured against her forehead.

She pulled back just enough to meet his eyes.

“Do you?” She asked and his heart nearly broke at the desperation and absolute need he saw there. The way he could feel her tense in his arms. The slight edge to her voice.

“Yes Kate, I do.” He confirmed, and he felt the worry start to drain from her. “You don't have to say the words. I might have asked before, but now... there is no question.” He added as her whole body seemed to sigh in relief.

“It's not that I don't want to say them. I do.” Her voice as earnest as her eyes. “It's just... this is going to sound stupid.” She admitted sheepishly before burying her head in the crook of his neck.

“I promise not to laugh.” He smiled against her hair, and rubbed her back for encouragement. He knew the words were harder for her, and though he never knew why he had a few guesses. He wasn't about to blow his opportunity to find out more about her reasoning, silly or not.

“I don't want to jinx us.” She murmured against his neck, then pulled back to meet his eyes again. “I have lost a lot of things in my life and I don't want you to be one of them.”

He never would have guessed that. That she didn't care as much. That she was afraid to feel it. That she still had feelings for another man. Those were reasons that were easy enough to guess at.

“Jinx how?” He asked, his mind still not quite certain he heard her right.

She paused before looking down at her hands where they had come to rest against his chest.

“I've told men I loved them before and I've meant it, but it's never been enough.” She confessed, her fingertips tracing random patterns on his skin. “Not enough to keep them in my life. To build a relationship on. It's almost like the kiss of death. I mean even for us, on the island, with Pickett. When I'm here... with you. I can't lose that. I just can't, because what we have is finally enough. It's so much more. If I lost it...” She hesitated.

“You won't.” He rushed in, crushing her to his chest. “You won't.” He reaffirmed.

She nuzzled his neck affectionately for a minute, letting her words sink in. She had never voiced her fears to him. Now that she had, it felt as if something had been lifted. His arms around her melting away more of her doubt and hesitation.

“I can't remember living before you.” She continued. “Maybe there wasn't anything worth remembering. I just know there is no way in hell I'm going to risk going back to that.”

Pressing her hands flat against his chest she pushed away, just enough to press her lips to his jaw. He pulled his head back to meet her eyes then smiled in encouragement.

“I can't go back to that. I'm not saying I'll never say it.” She whispered as he nodded. “Who knows, maybe a few months from now I'll realize just how stupid it is, but for now just know it's not that I don't feel that way.”

He had imagined that her telling him she loved him would be their defining moment. That moment that told him everything would be alright with them. That they could make it through anything. The first of forever.

He never imagined just how wrong that was, or how little he'd actually care about the words themselves.

He never imagined the moment where he realized he already knew.

Looking back on their lives together, he could see it. In her smile, her teasing comments, the way she sat too close, and held on too tight. He hadn't been able to see back then what everyone else around them already knew. Maybe his own fears had limited him. Maybe he hadn't been ready to acknowledge it.

But being with her mattered more than any words ever could. That smile she saved just for him. The way she'd gently chide him for his faults. The pride in her eyes when she watched him interact with his daughter. The way her touch could gentle his ire and her smell lingered on his favorite shirt.

Three words weren't going to make those moments more special.

She might not say them, but she lived them, which was a hell of a lot better in his mind.

“Words are nice, but I don't need them as long as you're here.” He promised.

Even if she never said them it wouldn't matter, because he already knew she meant them. He wasn't going to lie and say a confirmation like that wouldn't be nice, but it wasn't going to stop him from telling her. Making her believe them.

“Five years from now, you'll be so comfortable and certain of us it won't bother you. One day they'll just slip out and you'll realize that they're just words. And even if you don't, it won't change anything.” He added.

She nodded.

“I hope so.” She whispered. He kissed her temple to soothe her nerves.

“I intend on making sure of it. Cause I can't picture us any other way, Sweetcheeks. Just together. You are my future.”

The intensity in his eyes made her shiver in anticipation for what was yet to come. He only grinned like he knew exactly what she was thinking, or he had some devious plan to sweep her off of her feet and eat her alive. Not that she would object to either.

“You know, you can be quite charming when you want.” She choked out past the rising desire in her throat.

“Whatdya say, Freckles? Wanna play house with me?” He teased, his hands slipping down her back and under her shirt.

“I don't want to _play_ at anything.” She retorted as she placed her hands over his, where they had come to rest on her waist.

“Ok.” He answered with a fake sense of seriousness. She rolled her eyes.

“Kate Austen, do you want to go out with me?” He questioned a moment later, mocking her further with his tone, his hands slipping out from under hers to run up and down her sides.

“You're incorrigible.” She sighed, but couldn't help but let out a small giggle when his fingertips dug in and he began to tickle her.

“Be my valentine?” He continued to taunt. “Be my girlfriend?”

She squirmed to try and escape from him, and after a moment he let up and pulled her back to his chest.

“Go to sleep.” She put in after he had settled behind her and the early hour and lack of sleep started to catch up to her.

“Go steady?” He questioned, kissing her shoulder. She wondered when he would run out of steam.

“Seriously. It's late.” She sighed as he nibbled his way up to her ear.

“Consort with me?” He breathed in her ear.

“I hate you.” She groaned, very much turned on by the way his fingertips danced over her stomach.

“No, you don't.” He chuckled pressing himself into her, one hand landing on her hip, the other dancing dangerously under her breast.

“Fine.” She sighed.

“Keep company with me?” He added as he slipped a finger under her waistband and sucked her earlobe into his mouth.

“How do I get you to shut up?” She asked as she pulled her head away from his questing lips.

“You're a smart girl, you'll figure it out.” He smirked when she turned her head to look at him out of the corner of her eye. “Do you want me to court you?”

Throwing her hand up she sighed.

“Yes, a hundred times. Yes. Just please let me sleep.” She begged adorably and he grinned, happy to have gotten a response. Still, he couldn't just let it go. Their little game was the only thing keeping him from ripping all her clothes off and having his way with her.

Though if he was honest it wasn't really helping all that much.

“Old fashioned girl. I--” He started but she cut him off by landing her lips against his for a minute, surprising him into silence. Just as he was about to respond she pulled away.

“Now, can we go to bed?” She questioned innocently.

“I don't know, try that again.” He offered.

She turned in his arms and let him kiss her fully, enjoying the way he took no time to open her lips and slip his tongue inside. His hands roamed her skin and she let hers return the favor.

When things started getting too heated he broke away and she smiled.

“Mmmm.” She murmured then licked her lips, her eyes on his mouth. He groaned as she spoke. “Ok, now go to sleep.”

Then she flipped over again, placing her back to him and closing her eyes.

“Sometimes you're a horrible tease.” He growled in her ear as he slipped his hand up her stomach and let it land where he wanted.

“Says the man with his hand on my breast.” She retorted, her hand landing on top of his and keeping it in place.

“It's happy there.” He murmured as he squeezed for emphasis. Her nipple hard against his palm, he smiled, glad to know he wasn't the only one happy with the situation.

“Mmmhmm. Goodnight, Sawyer.” She whispered.

“Good morning, Freckles.” He answered. She chuckled and made a content sound as she drifted back to sleep. He didn't take long to join her.


	29. A New Road

_ _

_I'm reaching farther than I ever have before_   
_(Tired of wasting time)_   
_Leaving all who broke your heart upon the shore_   
_(Tired of wasting time)_   
_I may be some sort of crazy_   
_We may be some sort of crazy_   
_But I swear on everything I have and more_

Sound of Pulling Heaven Down  
_-Blue October_

 

He woke a few hours later to whispers by the door and Kate's warm body filling his arms. Her hair a tangled mess that tickled his nose, her arms wrapped around his where they rested across her stomach. Everything in him wanted to wake her with a few well placed kisses, but as the whispers turned to giggles he knew that wouldn't be on the morning agenda.

Carefully pulling his arms free, he sat up and caught their little spies at the door. Clem giggled harder as he put a finger to his lips to warn her and Aaron took off down the hall. He winked at his daughter and tilted his head in the direction that Aaron had run off to and she nodded then raced down the hall after him.

“They're probably hungry.” Kate grumbled as she flipped onto her back and rubbed at her eyes sleepily.

“I thought you were still asleep.” He murmured, watching her stretch and yawn.

“I wish. I'm exhausted.” She sighed as she closed her eyes again.

Grinning, he leaned over and captured her lips with his. She responded immediately, wrapping her arms around his neck and pulling him closer, she opened to him. Her kiss soft, wet, and warm, written in his blood like second nature yet tempting and taunting him like a siren luring him to a deep, dark, death in her arms.

He slid back down next to her, his hands running down her body and landing on her thighs, gently parting them as he settled between them and pulled her to him.

She laughed and pushed away, very aware of his desire and the effect their kiss had on him.

“The kids are just outside the very open door.” She smiled.

“What if we closed the door?” He asked.

“Put some pants on and go see what they're doing.” She laughed, shoving him playfully on the shoulder.

“I see how it is. Get me all worked up then push me away. You're a tease.” He joked as he sat up and swung his feet over the edge of the bed.

“Seems to me like you were the one who started it.” She taunted as she rolled to her side to face him and cuddled into her blankets.

He smiled, watching her as she closed her eyes and blankets pulled up under her chin.

“Trust me, you were asking for it. All sleepy and sexy.” He leaned over and whispered next to her ear.

Something in her lower stomach responded immediately to his deep southern drawl, but she somehow managed to resist the urge to jump him and instead responded with a perfectly even tone.

“I'll remember that morning breath and bedhead turn you on.”

She didn't even bother to open her eyes, though she knew that had she opened her eyes he would have known in an instant just how responsive her body was to his voice.

He smirked and slid his hand over her blanket covered hip, his fingers curling around behind her and giving her flesh a quick squeeze.

“It was more the half naked, warm, and in bed with me thing.” He countered.

He was making returning to sleep next to impossible. So she felt more than justified in trying to turn the tables and put him off his game. She knew that if he continued down the road he was on, they would end up naked in no time. And though she very much wanted to spend some time skin to skin, she knew the timing was all wrong.

“You do realize that could apply to your dog too.” She said, opening her eyes and staring back at him with a serious expression.

He sat back, his hand dropping from her hip to the bed next to him.

“Charming, Freckles. Really.” He grumbled, the mood clearly ruined.

She tried not to laugh as he stood up and picked up his jeans from the floor.

“It's not my fault you have such low standards.” She continued, enjoying the show as he stepped into his jeans and pulled them up.

He caught her reflection in the mirror above her dresser and smirked as she bit her bottom lip, her eyes glued to his ass. Turning around to face her, he noticed her eyes seemed locked on the same general area of his body as he zipped his jeans and fastened the button. It wasn't until he started walking toward the bed again that she tore her eyes away, and caught him watching her.

“Just ask yourself what that says about you.” He teased as her cheeks flushed. “I mean you pulled me into your bed, after all.” He smirked, climbing on the bed next to her. “Is this a better view?” He asked as he knelt in front of her.

“Get dressed.” She pushed against his hip then rolled on her back away from him.

“It's ok, Freckles.” He teased, his face hovering over hers. “I still want you, even if you painted yourself right into a corner with that one.”

He pulled back with a grin she could only categorize as irritating. She watched as he swaggered over to his shirt with that smirk slipping into his step as well.

“Oh, we aren't done.” She muttered as she slid from under the sheets and padded over to him.

“Remember behind the garden, against that tree.” She purred as she slipped up behind him. “Or that night in the ocean, after everyone went to sleep.” She placed her hand on his back and let it glide over his skin as she sauntered around him.

Standing in front of him she paused for a minute, her hands moving up his body and resting on his chest. Her eyes following her hands. He swallowed the desire rising in his throat as she tore her eyes from his skin and locked them with his eyes instead. Her impossibly, transparently, sexy bedroom eyes that made him feel more like her prey.

“Or maybe...” She whispered as she leaned in, lifting herself on her toes and bringing herself as close to his ear as she could get. “...that time when I did that thing with my mouth on yo--”

He grabbed her arms and held her away from his body, cutting her off before she could finish her thought. It wasn't fast enough to stop his brain from finishing it for her however, or to keep the blood from rushing south at breakneck speed.

“And what exactly are you trying to prove?” He hissed.

“Nothing really. I guess I'm just not worried about any competition. I seem to recall plenty of times when I've left you speechless.” She shrugged. “In fact, if I really wanted to, I could just...” Her hand slid south and he slammed his eyes shut as she cupped him. Groaned when she closed her hand around him. “...and you would shut up pretty fast.”

His fingers tightened around her arms for a minute before he let go of her completely. He thrust against her hand and she let go and stepped back.

“There's cereal in the pantry, go feed the kids. I'm going to take a shower.”

She tried not to smile at the distressed look that replaced his blissed out grin.

He wanted to object to her cruel game, but decided instead to hit her when she least expected it. She'd be begging him before the day was out. Regardless, it took him a moment to recover and he watched her as she snagged his shirt from the floor. She tossed it at him on her way over to the bathroom door. Catching it, he then swung it over his shoulder like a towel .

“Need someone to clean your back?” He called after her, when his senses started to return to him.

“Cleanliness is the last thing on your mind right now.” She answered back, pausing at the bathroom door.

“True, my thoughts are very dirty.” He admitted, closing the distance between them and resting one hand on the door frame above her head. “But if you're going to shower anyway, seems like now is the perfect time for being dirty.” She couldn't fault him for his logic. Or the way his free hand danced across her stomach and around her waist.

“As soon as we are alone...” She swallowed as he undressed her with his eyes.

“You won't be able to walk straight...” He growled and tugged her roughly to him.

“Promises.” She murmured, her voice almost lost in a breathy sigh.

“Guarantees.” He vowed.

“Daddy, we're hungry.” Clem interrupted the moment as she walked in and plopped down on the edge of the bed with Aaron in tow.

Kate laughed and pushed free from his grasp.

“So's your father.” She teased, then closed the bathroom door in his face before he could react.

“Hilarious.” He called after her. Her laughter, muted by the closed door, was the only response she gave. He tried not to picture her state of undress when he heard the shower kick on. Wishing for a cold shower of his own, he turned to face the kids.

“Who wants breakfast?”

 

***

She stood in front of her dresser in a pair of jeans and a navy lace trimmed bra twenty minutes later. Pawing through the top drawer for her favorite camisole, she dismissed the butterflies in her stomach as her fingers brushed over more delicate items that she had not needed in a long time. She paused over a sexy black bra and second guessed her simple navy choice.

She had forgotten this part. It wasn't like she'd even had to think about it on the island, there hadn't been that many options. Now she had a whole drawer of barely touched lingerie. Would he prefer her in something sheer or simple. As long as it matched? Would she even need to worry about it today?

She pushed aside more fabric in search for something to match the black bra she held in one hand and just as she pulled a small sheer number free,(from the dark recesses of the back of her drawer)the door handle turned and he slipped into the room. Locking the door behind him, he turned to see her standing half dressed in front of her dresser with intimate apparel hanging from her hands.

“You do know I'm just going to take it off, right?” He smirked as he closed the distance between them, watching her flush a lovely shade of pink.

“Shut up.” She shoved the items back into the drawer, embarrassed as she slammed the drawer closed.

He chuckled as he wrapped his arms around her waist from behind. Her warm skin pressing against his naked chest. He hadn't put his shirt on after all, not that she objected.

“This look is good for you.” He murmured in her ear as he nipped and sucked his way down her neck. His teeth grazing the skin on her shoulder, applying the lightest bit of pressure as his right hand slid up her arm. His finger hooking in the strap of her bra as he slowly dragged it down to give his mouth better access to her skin, then wrapped his fingers around her shoulder to hold her in place.

She groaned and closed her eyes as she pressed back into his embrace. His left hand played with the skin above her jeans, slipping under the waistband then retreating back up her stomach to just under her breasts.

“Let me get dressed.” She moaned, as she backed into his hips, happy to find him just as 'distracted.'

“You should have thought of that earlier.” He groaned against her salty skin, then danced his tongue behind her ear before sealing his lips against her skin to suck at her pulse point.

“I was trying.” She gasped as his left hand grabbed her breast, cupping and fondling. Tweaking her nipple through her bra. Her hands found his wrists, holding on to him as his fingers kneaded her flesh.

“Obviously, not hard enough.” He murmured as he thrust against her full backside. Her head fell against his chest as her mouth fell open, her breath in sharp quick little gasps. Her body rocking back into him, he watched her in the mirror as his fingers plucked at her.

“We match.” He muttered, as he released her shoulder, his fingers toying with her scar.

Her eyes flew open as she let go of his wrist and moved her hand to cover the mark.

He turned her in his arms and plucked her hand from her shoulder, placed it on his, right over the bullet wound she helped him heal from. Then he placed his hand over her scar.

“Don't.” He murmured. “Not from me.”

“Sorry, it's habit.” She whispered as she leaned closer and he rested his chin on her head, her fingers tracing his scar and remembering.

“Bad habit.”

“Necessary.” She sighed. “It's hard to explain.”

“You got shot, so what?” He questioned like it was nothing. To them maybe it meant little. But the world didn't work that way. There was usually a reason. Though it was true that there were accidents, wrong place at the wrong time scenarios, people wouldn't mistake that of her. Not with her past. Most would probably think she deserved it. And though it shouldn't bother her, it was still hard to explain how she obtained a bullet wound while supposedly safe at home with her child.

It was a lot easier to just cover the damn thing up.

“Right.” She laughed. “So what. Normal people don't just get shot.”

He pushed back to meet her eyes.

“Who needs to be normal, then? I happen to think my scar gives me character.” He boasted and she smirked her finger tracing his scar.

“Yes, well on a man it's mysterious.” She practically purred, his fingers flexed on her waist. “On a woman... not so much.”

Most men were turned off by imperfections, and though it wasn't hideous it wasn't exactly pretty either. She'd only received the most basic of medical treatment for it. She couldn't exactly go to a doctor to have it taken care of without posing all kinds of questions that she couldn't answer without ending up in jail. As a result it had healed slowly, the skin meshing back together in a jagged welt with more scar tissue than necessary.

“I happen to like that we're a matched set. Screw everyone else. I think it's sexy.” He growled, dipping his head to kiss around the edges of it.

She squirmed against him at the sensation of his tongue running over and around it.

“You're just trying to make me feel better about it. You don't need to. I'm fine with it.” She objected, grabbing his face and pulling it away from her skin.

“Liar. If you were, you wouldn't hide it.” He called her out then brought his mouth to her neck, his hands sliding down to cup her ass as his mouth worked back up her body to her lips.

“There are some things the world doesn't need to see.” She groaned, her fingers tangling in his hair as his gave her a quick squeeze.

“True. And if they never see it, I am fine with that. Just means it's our little secret.” He whispered before capturing her mouth, sliding his tongue effortlessly into her mouth.

Pushing her back against the dresser his hands moved up her back to unclasp her bra. Freeing her from the garment he traced his finger tips up and down her sides lightly. Just enough to drive her mad.

Flipping her around he crushed her hips between him and the hard surface as he locked his fingers in hers. Her head fell back into him and he smiled.

“Open your eyes.” He murmured against her temple, bringing their hands up to her shoulder to trace her scar. Guiding her finger with their interlocked hand.

Her eyes popped open and he met them in the mirror with a smirk before turning his attention to her neck.

“Watch.” He murmured against her skin as he brought their other hands to her breast, coaxing her fingers to pluck and twist. She caught her bottom lip between her teeth, her hips jumping against him as she fought the urge to moan.

“See.” He sucked at her neck as he moved their hands from her shoulder to his. “Sexy as hell.”

She nodded, letting out a small sound of encouragement as he brought their hands from his shoulder to her other breast.

It was when he started guiding their hands to her jeans that the doorbell rang.

“Son of a bitch.” He groaned. “Can't a guy get a fucking break.”

“It's probably Claire.” Kate sighed, slipping her hands free. “Put on your shirt and answer the door.”

“That might be a problem.” He thrust against her to prove his point.

“Then let me go, so I can get dressed.” She smiled turning in his arms again, her hands coming to rest against his chest.

“Don't wanna.” He objected.

“Too bad.” She shoved against him and he stepped back.

“You know this is unusually cruel, right?” He questioned watching her breasts as she leaned over to pick up her discarded bra. Watching them disappear as she covered them with said bra, then watching as she pulled a cami free from her drawer and covered the rest of her skin.

“I'm not the one who came in here and tried to undress you.” She said, picking up a button up shirt from the bed and tossing it over her cami.

“Maybe you should. I'll wait here and you can come back and take all my clothes off and then I'll take yours off and we can continue this.” He raised an eyebrow and she smiled.

“Get dressed...” She unlocked the door as the bell rang again. “...then come downstairs.”

He sighed as she opened the door and slipped out.

It was going to be a long day.

When she got downstairs Clem and Aaron had already opened the door and Claire was catching up on the latest in Clem's elementary drama.

“Why don't you go get your stuff, Aaron? You can help him, Clem.” Kate smiled as she placed a hand on Aaron's shoulder. Then turning to Claire she asked: “How's Jane doing?”

“She'll be fine. It was a clean break and should heal quickly. Guess she won't be jumping off furniture anytime in the future. She's just a little cranky, and who can blame her really?” Claire sighed. “Thank you for taking him on such short notice.”

“It was no big deal.” Kate objected.

“I take it you and Sawyer patched things up again?” Claire gestured to the stairs. Sawyer had finally put his shirt back on and was wrestling with Aaron at the top of the stairs. They watched as he picked the boy up and slung him over his shoulder. Clem giggled and held up Aaron's bag for her father, who grabbed it with his free hand.

“Yeah.” Kate beamed unaware of the look of utter adoration that shined from her face, or Claire's very observant eyes.

“Hey Mamacita, I think I found something of yours.” Sawyer called out as he hauled a giggling, Aaron down the stairs. Clem bounded down behind them.

“You can put him in the car. I'm sure I've got some place for him at home.” Claire teased back watching Kate's eyes follow Sawyer out the door, not missing the way he brushed by her intentionally knocking her back instead of walking around her.

“So... You wanna tell me something?” Claire fished and Kate snapped out of it.

“What?” She questioned, clearly confused.

“Nothing.” Claire chuckled. “In all seriousness though, Ian and I were wondering if you and Sawyer could stop by for dinner tomorrow night.”

“Oh, I don't know. I don't know how long Clem is staying.” Kate answered honestly as the two of them walked out to the car.

“Buckle up.” Sawyer ordered as he stepped back from the car and closed the door then turned to face the two women behind him. Clem hung off the side of the car door taunting Aaron with her freedom.

“Ian and I were wondering if you and Kate would be free for dinner tomorrow night.” Claire said as Sawyer stepped up to Kate and pulled her to his side.

“Yeah, far as I know. I'm bringing Clem back tomorrow morning but I should be back late afternoon or early evening.” Sawyer answered. “You okay with that?” He asked turning to look down at Kate who smiled back up to him.

“Yeah.”

Claire tried to contain her excitement at their obvious affection as Sawyer reached down and brushed a stray strand of Kate's hair behind her ear.

“Great. Say around eight? Ian's parents are taking the kids for the night. We were going to do it later in the week but they volunteered to take the kids tomorrow and so we figured why not take advantage of it.”

“Sounds good.” Kate nodded as Claire opened her car door and got in.

“Clem step away from the car.” Sawyer called out and Clem bounded back to where her father stood.

The three of them waved as Claire backed out and disappeared down the street.

“Hey Mom?” Aaron asked from the backseat a few minutes later.

“Yeah, Sweetie?”

“Is Aunt Kate going to be Clem's mom?”

“I don't know. Why are you asking?” Claire looked up to meet Aaron's eyes in the mirror.

“Cause she was acting like you do around Ian and Ian is going to be my dad so I thought maybe...”

She couldn't help but smile.

“You didn't tell Aunt Kate or Uncle Sawyer about that did you?” She asked.

“No, I didn't even tell Clem.” He answered solemnly.

“Good. As for if they are going to get married like Ian and I are, I don't know for sure. But I think it's probably pretty likely.”

“Good. I think he makes Aunt Kate happy and I like him. He's fun to play with.”

“I'm sure your Aunt Kate would agree.”

Though she was also pretty sure 'Aunt Kate' liked playing entirely different games with him.

She couldn't wait to get home and share the news with Ian, they had a bet going and she was pretty sure last night sealed her win.


	30. An Old Memory in a New Time

_That maybe it's true_   
_I can't live without you_   
_And maybe two is better than one_   
_But there's so much time_   
_To figure out the rest of my life_   
_And you've already got me coming undone_   
_And I'm thinking two is better than one_

Two Is Better Than One  
_-Boys Like Girls ft. Taylor Swift_

 

They took Clem to the zoo, held hands, took pictures. And when the grandmotherly figure at the ticket booth told them they had a lovely daughter, Sawyer just smiled and pulled Kate closer. He watched as Clem tugged Kate to all her favorite places and talked to all her favorite animals. Kate seemed to enjoy every minute as much as his daughter and as he watched his two girls smile and laugh he knew that this would be the first of many family outings.

Though spending time with Kate and Clem was something he'd done often since Kate had come back into his life, this was perhaps the first time he had thought of them as a family. A cohesive unit. A part of him really wanted to make it official. He could see them coming here, years from now with children of their own. And while that thought might have upset him even a week ago, suddenly it felt right.

Maybe he had been fooling himself in thinking that they could be anything other than this. It was only his stupid blind stubbornness that had kept him from the peaceful feeling flooding his veins as Kate knelt next to Clem in front of an exhibit housing some kind of lizard.

Clem chose that moment to look up at him and grin, tug on his hand and direct his eyes to the exhibit, chiding him for his apparent disinterest, as he knelt between the two girls who owned his heart. Kate gave him a look of confusion so he shook his head and smiled. Her answering grin made his fingers itch and his heart pound, his arms aching to pull her close and fill the empty air surrounding him with her body.

As they stood to move on to the next exhibit, Sawyer couldn't help but wrap his arm around Kate's waist and pull her into him. Her hands landing on his chest as he pressed a kiss to her forehead. Clem's attention already on the next animal.

And so they followed Clem as she darted excitedly from window to window until at last she ran out of windows to peer into and announced that she was hungry before getting distracted by a window full of stuffed toys.

“Daddy! Look at the tiger! Can I have a tiger, please?” she begged, looking up at him with the most adorable pout.

“I thought you were hungry,” he teased, knowing full well that the tiger was going to be taking up way too much room in his truck on the way home.

“I'll go get us something to eat,” Kate volunteered as Clem started tugging him toward the gift shop. “You have a tiger to buy.”

He was loathe to leave her even for a second, but let her slip from his arm with a brush of her lips against his cheek. Watching her walk away, distracted until Clem gave a mighty yank.

“Dad?” Clem asked after she'd picked up her tiger and he had paid the man an outrageous amount of money for it.

“What?” he responded, taking her hand and leading her over to a table outside where Kate would see them on her return.

“Do you think we should get Aunt Kate a tiger too?” she asked and he laughed.

“Nah, I think she'll be ok without one,” he confided seriously. Clem nodded.

“She can play with mine if she wants,” she offered as he sat down and pulled her onto the seat next to him.

“That's very generous of you. I'm sure she'll be thrilled to know that.”

“I'm very good with sharing...” Clem hesitated, pausing like she wanted to say more but decided at the last minute not to.

“Yes. I'm sure you are.”

She nodded and tugged at the whiskers on her toy, avoiding his eyes.

“Dad?” she asked again a minute later.

“Yes, sweetie?”

“Are you and Aunt Kate happy?” she blurted out, finally lifting her eyes to meet his.

“Of course we are, sweetheart. Why wouldn't we be?” Concern touched his brow as he pulled her out of her seat and on to his lap. “What's the matter?”

“It's just... You were really upset last night and I think she cried after you left me at her house. Then you came back and she went to her room. I don't want you guys to be sad.”

Trust his daughter to pick up on the tension. He had planned on telling her eventually, most likely part of their long drive to her mother's would have involved him telling her about things between him and Kate.

“We aren't sad, Pumpkin. Not anymore. In fact, your Aunt Kate makes me very happy,” he soothed, his hand running across her back softly.

“Are you sure?” her eyes wide with innocent inquiry.

“We had a talk last night after you were sleeping. It seems you may have been right all along.”

“About what?”

“Maybe I should just marry Aunt Kate.” He grinned.

“But I thought you didn't like her like that.” Clem's little brow furrowed in confusion.

“You want to know a secret?” he asked as Clem set her tiger on the table in front of them then turned her attention back to him. “Sometimes grownups don't always know how they feel.”

“That sounds confusing,” she sighed.

“It is,” he answered before tweaking her nose. She pushed his hand away, not about to drop the subject.

“So you thought you didn't like her like that... but you do think you like her like that now?”

He didn't blame her for the confusion but he didn't quite know how to explain it to her either, so he answered her question the best way he knew how, honestly.

“Yes.”

“How do you know that next month you won't think you don't like her like that again?”

It was a good question, one that had gone through his mind before. When all his doubts were still loudly screaming in his mind he had entertained the notion more than once that what they had was just a passing fancy. He had justified that she was just an attractive woman, that it was easy to get carried away in the moment with her. But after everything they'd been through that line of reasoning had always felt a little false. It just took him a lot longer to realize the truth. And longer still to grow up enough to deal with it.

But how to explain that to a child?

“Your Aunt Kate and I have known each other a long time. When we first met I thought she was the prettiest thing I'd seen in a long time. I wanted to kiss her so I did. But we fought all the time and she was in love with another man. Then she went away for a long time she met you and your mom and I met another woman. Her name was Juliet and she made me feel like the luckiest guy in the world. I was going to ask her to marry me. Aunt Kate came back and we decided to be friends. Then Juliet and the man that Aunt Kate loved, Jack, died. We were both too sad to be around each other, so we parted ways again. When we bumped into her getting ice cream, I was surprised. I didn't think we would ever see each other again. But I still loved Juliet and part of her still loved Jack.” He recounted.

“So you couldn't like her like that?” Clem interrupted.

“No. I'm sure I did, but when you love someone you want them to have everything, and part of me still belonged to Juliet. So I told myself that we would be better as friends. When things went wrong with us in the past I always lost her. I was tired of missing her. Sometimes it's better to have a little of what you want than none at all. So you try and trick yourself into thinking that the little bit is all you want.”

But that little bit hadn't been enough for a long time. He was only glad that Kate felt the same way. He didn't know what he would have done if she had turned him down.

“Are you in love with Aunt Kate? Like the roomantic kind?” Clem smirked.

“What do you think, Princess?” he asked as his fingers lightly dug into her sides, tickling her until she giggled and her little hands locked around his wrists.

“I think you are,” she gasped.

“I think you're way too smart,” he answered squeezing her tightly and placing a kiss on her head.

“So are you going to marry her?” Clem asked, meeting his eyes again.

Was he? It wasn't like the idea hadn't crossed his mind and he did promise to ask his daughter for permission first.

“I think it's too soon to ask that question. I think I should probably take her out to dinner or something first. Don't you?” he teased.

“Prolly,” she admitted.

Eventually he knew it was going to come up. He wasn't in any real hurry, and he knew that Kate would have to be convinced first, but one day he was going to put a ring on her finger. But now as a good a time as any to see how Clem felt about it.

“Besides, as I remember it, a certain someone has to give me permission to ask her first. Would you mind sharing me with her?”

Clem seemed to think about it for a moment as if weighing all the pros and cons in her head.

“Will we still get to come here?” she asked after a moment.

“Of course.”

“Sometimes we can do things with just me and you, right?” Her little eyes hopeful.

“Nothing would stop us,” he assured her.

“Ok. Then you should marry her. I think I'd like that a lot,” she grinned.

He hadn't really doubted the outcome, but still felt relieved. One less thing in the way.

“Good. But lets keep this our secret for now, ok?” he almost whispered.

“Keep what a secret?” Kate's voice rang out as she stepped up to the table from behind him and settled into the seat next to him. Clem scrambled down from his lap and went to investigate the food she had returned with.

“It wouldn't be a secret if we told you now would it, Freckles?” he smirked, dropping his hand to her thigh and giving it a squeeze. She shot him a sideways look before turning her attention to Clem who had pulled herself onto the seat next to Kate and was busy liberating a hot dog from it's wrapping.

“What's he up to kiddo?” she asked as Sawyer claimed the other hot dog she had purchased.

“Can't tell,” Clem said before digging into her hot dog with gusto and smearing ketchup and mustard all over her face.

“What if I told you there's an ice cream cone with your name on it if you tell me?” Kate asked and Clem's eyes shot to her father in horror.

“That's low. Don't bribe her. You'll find out eventually. Eat your rabbit food.” He gestured to her salad as his attention turned to his little girl. “Don't listen to her. You don't have to say anything. You'll get your ice cream after you finish your food.”

“How can I convince you to tell me then?” Kate lifted an eyebrow and slipped her hand under the table, resting it uncomfortably close to trouble.

His hand wrapped around her wrist and it took everything in him to pull her hand away from his lap and deposit it back on the table. Leaning in he placed a kiss just below her ear then whispered.

“All in good time.” He nipped at Kate's ear and winked at Clem before turning his attention back to his food. Kate shivered despite the weather.

Clem beamed happily for a minute before returning her attention back to her food, finishing it off quickly before declaring she was ready for ice cream.

Kate laughed as Sawyer rolled his eyes.

“Give us a minute to finish, little vacuum girl,” he teased handing his daughter a napkin and finished his hot dog. “It's gonna take rabbit girl a little bit longer than us,” he leaned over and staged whispered to his daughter.

Kate flicked a piece of lettuce at him before retorting.

“You two can go without me, just bring something back.”

“Hey,” he objected as the lettuce hit his shirt. “For that I'm not even going to look for your favorite flavor and this is probably the best place to find it too.”

She looked at him in confusion and he laughed as he stood, then told his daughter to let Kate watch the tiger while they went for dessert.

When they returned a few minutes later, he handed her a strawberry cone, then winked as he sat next to her with a strawberry cone of his own. Clem had opted for chocolate this time, and already had it half way down her arm as she settled back into her seat.

“I thought you said you weren't going to bring me my favorite.” Kate smiled then ran her tongue over the cold treat in a way that made Sawyer stifle a groan.

“I didn't. I brought you my favorite. They didn't have any fishbiscuit,” he teased and she rolled her eyes, then crooked her finger at him. Clem was busy watching an animal handler with a parrot a few tables away from them, so Kate leaned in and brushed her lips against his.

“Who says I liked fishbiscuit? I think you just wanted to believe that,” she whispered.

“You liked it. And you're doing it all wrong.” He took a bite from his ice cream and gestured for her to do the same. She obliged him with a furrowed brow. Pressing his lips against hers once more he slid his tongue between her lips and stole the quickly melting ice cream from her mouth before pulling back triumphantly, as she fought back a flood of inappropriate images and the urge to slide on to his lap.

“Tastes better that way,” he smirked as Clem turned to him and demanded to go see the bird.

“Is that so?” she questioned as he stood and picked up Clem's tiger, his daughter already running ahead of him to gather with the other children quickly collecting around the zoo employee.

He nodded and she smirked.

“I was thinking it was better this way.”

Closing her eyes she stuck her tongue out and slowly licked her way around the cone with a breathy little moan of delight completely inappropriate for their surroundings. He swallowed and pulled the tiger in front of him to hide his reaction.

“Payback's gonna be a bitch,” he promised as she opened her eyes and stood. “Also, had I known you were going to be pornographic with your dessert I wouldn't have supplied it.” He tilted his head to a woman at the next table who was busy glaring at the two of them. “You're gonna get us kicked out.”

“You don't like the way I eat my ice cream?” She pretended to pout as she slid next to him and wrapped her free arm around his waist, her thumb slipping casually into the waistband of his jeans.

He tossed the rest of his ice cream cone into the nearby trash before removing her wandering hand from his pants and trapping it in his as they made their way over to the group Clem had joined.

“On the contrary, Freckles. I love the way you eat your ice cream,” he growled before leaning down to steal a lick from her cone and whispering in her ear. “I just think that some of the parents here are concerned about it. Perhaps later you can finish you demonstration in the privacy of my bedroom.”

“Maybe,” she smiled coyly, then handed him the rest of her ice cream cone, taking the tiger from him so that he still had a free hand to wrap around her waist when she leaned into his side.

Clem turned back to the two of them as the zoo employee walked away with the parrot.

“This is the best day ever.” She declared before claiming her tiger.

Kate looked up to see the grin on Sawyer's face and found that she wasn't about to disagree.


	31. An Old Fear Put To Rest

_ _

_I'm finding out that you are my reason._  
Long Shot – Waking Ashland

 

 

“You should take her home,” Kate whispered as they pulled into her driveway, the sun hanging low in the sky. Clem slumped against her side in slumber.

“You're kidding, right?” he smirked and moved to kill the engine of his truck. The last thing he wanted was to leave her alone and lay awake all night wishing her warm naked skin was pressed into his. He had waited far too long as it was, and after their interrupted morning each minute she wasn't under him felt like an eternity.

She groaned, her eyes closed tightly as her teeth worried her bottom lip.

“God. I wish,” she knew exactly where his mind was because hers wasn't far behind. There were about a million ways she'd prefer to end the evening and none of them included him going home to his own bed, but there was reality to face.

“You'd better cut that out if you want me to drive away from here tonight, Freckles,” he warned, his fingers finding their way to her cheek, the back of them stroking lightly down her jaw.

Her eyes blinked open as she furrowed her brow at him, unclear of his meaning. He pressed his thumb against her chin gently, using just enough pressure to force her lip to slip free of her teeth.

“You have no idea how much I want to-” he murmured, his eyes locked on her mouth as Clem stirred in her sleep, cutting off his words. He dropped his hand from her face, resting it on the back of her seat instead.

“I think I have an inkling,” she sighed, trying not to shift in her seat before continuing, “but if you stay we won't sleep and you need to drive Clem home tomorrow.”

“I can think of worse things than getting no sleep; like for example, going home alone tonight,” he raised an eyebrow and leered; suggesting she reconsider without words.

He wasn't going to make the inevitable outcome of the evening any easier to stomach, but neither one of them got much sleep the night before and she didn't want him pressing his luck on the road in the morning.

“I'm serious. I don't want to worry about you falling asleep behind the wheel,” she sighed. “Besides, wouldn't you rather take your time and not have to worry about your daughter walking in on us?”

While her suggestion was thoughtful, and though he hadn't paid too much attention to the fact that his daughter had done just that earlier in the day, he felt her excuses were weak when compared to the vast amount of time between the last time he'd had her naked and their current state of being.

“I'd rather we go inside and get reacquainted,” he admitted freely.

She could always count on him to speak the truth, if nothing else.

“So would I, but it's not happening tonight.”

She was going to stand her ground and he was going to have to turn things up if he wanted in, so he slid his fingers across the back of her neck and watched as she bit her lip again; struggling not to turn into his caress.

“I bet I can convince you otherwise.”

She didn't have to look at him to know he was smirking, she heard it in his damn voice. Instead of rewarding his efforts however, she reached up and removed his hand from her skin.

“I have no doubt of that, which is why you are staying in the truck.”

She extended her arm over Clem's head and let go of his wrist, unceremoniously dumping his offending limb in his own lap.

“C'mon, Freckles. Give a man a break,” his whined.

She turned to face him, careful not to wake his daughter.

“Do you have any idea how difficult this is for me?” she hissed.

“Not hard enough apparently,” he grumbled crossing his arms, his focus on something in front of the truck as he pouted.

Leaning in, she whispered:

“All I've been thinking about all day is you and me together under my sheets. Don't tell me it's not hard enough.”

She knew immediately she shouldn't have caved and let him pout instead. He turned his head, his nose nearly touching hers.

“Oh, it's plenty hard,” he grinned and grabbed her wrist. “Gimme your hand and I'll show you.”

She jerked her wrist free before he could place it in his lap.

“Sawyer!”

Clem stirred again and Kate pulled back.

“You know, sometimes I really hate being a responsible adult,” Sawyer sighed as Clem opened her eyes and stretched.

“I know,” Kate agreed.

“Are we there yet?” Clem asked sleepily, rubbing her eyes and looking around the truck to ascertain an answer.

“No sweetie, we're just dropping Kate off,” Sawyer supplied as Kate slipped free from her seat belt and placed the stuffed tiger Clem got at the zoo in the little girl's lap.

“Go back to sleep,” Kate murmured as she brushed a strand of hair from Clem's eyes.

Clem wrapped her arms around Kate's waist and nuzzled closer, causing Kate to lift her arms and wrap them around the drowsy girl, the toy tiger smashed between them.

“Come home with us,” she murmured into Kate's shirt and Sawyer grinned.

“Not you too,” Kate groaned then turned her attention to the little girl practically in her lap. “I can't, Clem. You and your dad are leaving early tomorrow to drive back home, remember?” Clem nodded.

“It would be silly for me to go home with you when all we are going to do is sleep.”

Sawyer smiled, knowing she was right. Unfortunate as it might be, tonight just wasn't a good idea.

“You can come with us. Daddy, she can drive with us tomorrow, can't she?” Clem asked, turning her head to look at her father.

It wasn't a half bad idea. He turned to look at Kate and she sighed.

She wanted to and even though she had work, she knew she could call in. Part of her wondered if having no time apart to think things over was a good idea. She was all in and so was he, but time apart wasn't necessarily a bad thing. She needed it and and a little space to wrap her mind around the idea wouldn't be disastrous either. They were together, they were really together. It was really happening this time.

Maybe she was being silly but she wanted a little time to get ready. Shave her legs. Paint her toe nails. Do all those little girlie things that she knew he could care less about. It had been years since he'd seen her and things had changed a little. Maybe she was a little nervous too.

Reaching in her pocket she pulled out her house key.

“Clem, why don't you run inside and grab your stuff while your dad and I talk about it?”

After agreeing, Clem grabbed the key, handed Kate the tiger, and climbed over her and out of the truck. They both watched in silence as she rushed to the front door and unlocked it.

“You don't want to come with us tomorrow,” Sawyer stated still watching as his daughter opened the front door and disappeared inside the house.

“It's not that I don't want to, James,” she paused. “Don't you think maybe this is all a little fast?”

“Fast? Not really. According to Miles we've been dating for a while now.”

He had a valid point. They had never been very good at the 'just friends' thing.

“He's probably right, but we haven't exactly acknowledged it.”

She had a valid point too, but this also wasn't their first dance. They'd been doing something similar for years now. Maybe he was just afraid that he was going to have to take those two steps back that she so often required for his three steps forward.

“I just don't want to walk away tonight and find us back at the beginning,” he sighed.

She smiled as she set the toy in her lap down, then slid across the seat and took his hand in hers.

“You won't. I know this probably sounds silly to you but I want our first time together again to be special. I don't want to just fall into bed with you and pretend like we never stopped,” she admitted shyly, her head turned down, her eyes focused on his hand.

“You do know that every time together is going to be special, right?” he questioned, then pressed a kiss to her hair.

“Stop trying to charm me,” she smiled and turned her attention to his face as her thumb rubbed circles on his palm. “I want to do all those things that normal couples do before they sleep together. And I think that having some space before we reconnect might be a good idea as well. Less than twenty four hours ago I thought I'd lost you forever.”

“So what are you suggesting, then? And please don't say we have to wait till after the third date or some other nonsense.”

Kate giggled. Resting her chin on his shoulder, she scrunched her nose up in that adorable way he loved. Her eyes meeting his in the dim light for a minute or two. He grinned as he slid his arms around her waist and let his fingers slide under her shirt. She swatted his hands away and pulled back slightly before answering him.

“No. What I'm suggesting is that you go home with Clem. Take her home tomorrow and then come pick me up for dinner at Claire's. I'm suggesting we tell Claire, Ian, and even Cassidy that we're together now. Then after dinner you take me home and we go from there.”

“And where exactly do you see us going from there...”

She rested her hand on his thigh before answering.

“I think you know. If you think I can keep my hands off you for any longer than that, you might be the crazy one,” she told him with a look that spoke of mocking disbelief.

He wrapped his arms around her waist like Clem had minutes before.

“I like everything about that plan except one thing,” He murmured resting his forehead against hers.

“What?”

“That it isn't already tomorrow.”

“I know.”

Placing her hand on his cheek, she tilted her head back and closed her eyes as he leaned closer and pressed his mouth to hers. Opening her mouth, she melted into him. Her body liquid heat, heavy and needy. As his tongue slid past her lips she lifted her other hand to his face, trapping him in place, as her body woke to his kiss and she responded in kind.

Groaning, he slid his hands up her back as she lifted off the seat and put her right knee on the seat between his legs. Her lips never leaving his, as she straddled his leg and slid her hands down his chest. Her fingers curled around handfuls of his shirt, greedily tugging him closer as she hovered above him.

He cupped her ass and tried to maneuver her all the way into his lap but her back hit the steering wheel and she let out a whimper as her lips broke free.

“That hurt,” she pouted, looking over her shoulder at the offending object.

“Sorry,” he whispered as he leaned in, pushed her shirt aside with his nose, and began kissing her collarbone.

“Clem's going to be coming back any second now. Let me go,” she objected, released his shirt, and pushed against his shoulders. He tightened his grip for a moment, holding her close a second longer before letting his arms drop from around her.

Climbing from his lap, she smiled and brushed a kiss against his cheek.

“At least tell me we won't have to spend all night at Claire's,” he groaned resting his head on the headrest behind him, his eyes on the ceiling of the truck.

“You like Claire.”

“I like taking your clothes off more. I think even Claire would agree with me and kick us out if she knew we were waiting for 'dessert,” he teased as she rolled her eyes and slid over to her seat, her feet out the door Clem had left hanging open.

Kate pulled herself from the truck as Clem skipped through the front door with her backpack slung over one shoulder.

“Are you sure you can't come home with me and Daddy?” she asked as she wrapped her arms around Kate's waist and hung on, her weight throwing Kate off balance enough to sway back and forth slightly.

 

“Yeah Sweetie, it's late,” Kate answered and pressed a kiss to Clem's forehead before continuing. “Now get in and buckle up.”

She waited until Clem climbed into the truck then closed the door and walked around to Sawyer's open window.

“Drive safe,” she whispered leaning over and resting her hands on the frame of the window.

“We will. You better go in before I change my mind about leaving,” his voice a low rumble as he moved in for a kiss. His lips brushed hers and lingered for a few moments before he broke away with a grin.

She swallowed down the desire to pull his door open and force him into her bedroom, and stepped back from the door instead.

“Tomorrow,” she promised with a coy grin.

“Tomorrow,” he agreed. “Now go inside, so we can go.”

“You just want to watch me walk away,” she smirked, her hands behind her back as she slowly started toward the house backwards.

“While I have to admit the view is stunning, I've seen that side of you enough,” he called out, leaning out the open window. “I need you to go in for other more pressing reasons that I intend to 'discuss' at length with you tomorrow night.”

“Goodbye, Sawyer,” she tossed out as she rolled her eyes, her head shaking from side to side.

“Goodnight, Freckles.”

They didn't pull out of her driveway until she waved and closed the front door behind her.


	32. A New Old Lover

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is very E, you probably don't mind. If you do mind however a semi cleaner version can be found on ffnet. You will miss nothing but some of the sexy times.

 

 

_Our hearts were on display_  
_For all to see_  
_I can't believe this is happening to me_  
  
_And I raised my hand as if to show you that I was yours_  
_That I was so yours for the taking_  
_I'm so yours for the taking_  
_That's when I felt the wind pick up_  
_I grabbed the rail while choking up_  
_These words to say and then you kissed me..._  
  
_I knew it from the start_  
_So my arms are open wide_  
_Your head is on my stomach_  
_And we're trying so hard not to fall asleep_  
_Here we are_  
_On this 18th floor balcony..._  
_We're both flying away._

18th Floor Balcony

_-Blue October_

 

 

 

 

Dinner was entirely too long, Kate decided as Sawyer slid his hand from her knee to mid thigh then back down to her knee. She glanced out of the corner of her eye and saw him smirk as Claire and Ian both headed toward the kitchen to get dessert.

 

“Cut it out,” she hissed as he squeezed her knee again. He'd been doing it all night, teasing her with small touches and thinly veiled comments. He had her so worked up she was afraid they'd never make it home before she begged him to take her clothes off and finish what he'd started.

 

“What?” he questioned feigning innocence as his hand traveled up her thigh again, his fingers resting between her legs as she clamped them together involuntarily.

 

“You know what. You're driving me crazy,” she said as she wrapped her hand around his wrist and pulled his hand off of her leg, dropping it carelessly above his own leg.

 

“You aren't exactly helping matters,” he grumbled and cast a look at her chest.

 

This time she was the one smirking, she knew when she put on the enticingly low cut shirt it would drive him nuts all night. Especially when she asked him to let her bring up the topic of their new relationship then proceeded to put it off for the entirety of the meal.

 

To be fair though, she hadn't wanted the topic to dominate the night. She wanted to enjoy her meal before being peppered with a million questions, because Claire was going to want to know all the specifics, and she doubted that they'd be able to escape until she'd satisfied Claire's thirst for information about them.

 

“I'd say I'm sorry, but I'm not,” she smiled and he rolled his eyes.

 

“Neither am I, then,” he said as he traced the curve of her breast with his finger, his eyes glued to hers. She swallowed dryly before batting his hand away. The fire in her eyes disagreeing with her weak attempts at pushing him away.

 

“Who wants pie?” Claire chirped as she came back into the dining room with a stack of clean plates, Ian followed with a homemade apple pie and a bottle of wine.

 

“That sounds great,” Kate choked out as Sawyer leaned over, pretending to get a closer look at the pie, but really just trying to unnerve her with his breath on her ear.

 

“We celebrating something?” Sawyer asked as Ian began to dish out the pie and Claire pulled some wine glasses from a rack hanging above the buffet in the corner, they clinked together as she fumbled nervously at his words.

 

Kate shot him a warning look and he shrugged.

 

“Actually...” Claire smiled.

 

He was pretty sure Kate was going to kill him, but he honestly had no idea how Claire could have figured it out. If anything, it had to be Kate's fault for being a little too obvious, because he hadn't said anything to indicate they were together while Kate was practically broadcasting it with her cute little smiles and that incredible shirt that showed him just what he had to look forward to later that night.

 

Kate opened her mouth to come clean but stopped when Claire took Ian's hand and smiled up at him.

 

“Ian and I are getting married,” she spit out quickly.

 

“Well congratulations, Mamacita,” Sawyer offered as he stood and pulled her into a brief hug. Then turning to Ian he put his hand on his shoulder, “It's about time you made an honest woman of her.”

 

Kate smiled, watching them for a minute before joining in the celebration.

 

“I'm so happy for you both,” she offered quietly as she embraced her friend.

 

She was happy for Claire, after everything the woman had been through she deserved a shot at happy ever after. She was also glad that Aaron would have a father figure he could rely on. Part of her still felt that little sting though as she watched Ian's hand rest so casually on Claire's waist.

 

That bittersweet feeling, part envy and part loss. Things wouldn't ever be quite the same, but as Sawyer's hand landed on her back, Kate felt like for the first time that might be okay. More than okay, really.

 

Sawyer's fingers slid down to her hip, pressing gently and guiding her back to him and then to her seat. When they all sat down again and Ian and Claire began to dish out the pie and pour the wine, she didn't even mind that Sawyer's hand made it back to her knee. Instead of brushing him away she placed her own hand on top of his, tangling her fingers with his. They stayed that way for the remainder of dessert and she only let go when Claire rose to clear away the dishes.

 

“Let me help,” she offered as she came to her feet.

 

“I've got it. Ian can help. You're our guests, so go pretend to be one and make yourself comfortable in the living room,” Claire chided. As Kate lifted a plate in protest, Ian gently removed it from her hands.

 

“You heard the woman, Freckles,” Sawyer smirked and wrapped his hand around her wrist tugging her away from the table, then added in a stage whisper, “I think they want to be alone anyway.”

 

“That's not—” Claire huffed as both, Ian and Sawyer, laughed.

 

“Don't encourage them,” Kate said, rolling her eyes. Claire nodded and with arms full of dishes disappeared into the kitchen. Ian followed leaving the two of them alone again.

 

“C'mon,” Sawyer smiled as he tugged Kate from the room and into the living room. Reluctantly, she agreed.

 

“I thought we were going to tell them,” his voice low as he sat on the couch and pulled her unto his lap.

 

Kate smirked as she straddled him; all thoughts of resisting burned away as she leaned in to capture his bottom lip. He responded slowly, sliding his hands down her waist and over her hips. Tugging her closer and groaning into her mouth.

 

“Mmm... we will...” Her fingers tangled in his hair as his lips found her neck and she threw her head back to give him better access, grinding her pelvis into his. “...but this is kind of fun too.”

 

She had planned on telling them, it was just not the moment to steal the spotlight. Besides, sneaking touches and kisses had a dangerous appeal to it.

 

“Keep this up and I might just bend you over Claire's couch here,” he groaned as her chest bounced enticingly.

 

Desire coursed through her veins with his words. She could feel just how much he wanted to act on that impulse, their clothing the only thing separating her from that delightful possibility.

 

“Hmmm...” she rubbed her nose down the side of his face, turned her head slightly so her cheek brushed against his stubble, her hands trailing over the sides of his neck and landing on his jaw so she could turn his head gently away from her. It felt like they'd been apart forever, an entire lifetime between kisses, between feeling his skin on hers. Her lips kissed their way to his ear, her tongue slipping out to taste him. “If we don't stop now, I might have to let you,” her voice a soft pant of need in his ear.

 

He slid his hands under her waistband, fingers dipping past cotton and lace and cupping her warm, firm ass. His hips lifting off the couch ever so slightly, driving the point home. He could feel her squeeze her thighs tighter, holding him in place.

 

“Do you have any idea what I'm going to do to you when we get out of here?” his voice deep, that southern drawl punctuating his question with thick slow heat. His right hand slid lower finding where her desire had pooled between her legs. She whimpered in response.

 

“As long as I don't have to wear any clothes...” he smirked and watched her face as he slid two fingers home. Her eyes wide, a sexy surprised grunt escaping. “...I'm game... Oh God... how about we leave right now?”

 

He teased her with a few quick pumps then pulled free, removing his hands from her pants entirely. Her face turned into a pout, that she matched with a frustrated sigh.

 

He locked eyes with her then brought his dew covered finger to his mouth where he cleaned it with his tongue. She pushed his hand away from his mouth, wrapping her fingers with his as she sealed her lips against his, stealing her flavor with her kiss.

 

His tongue lazily traced the recesses of her mouth as she bounced on his lap, only tormenting him further. He tried to focus on anything but the woman in his lap. The woman he had ached and bled and fought for. The woman he had loved beyond reason, and still did. It was all he could do to stop himself from laying her on her back and showing her just how much he needed her. All he could do to keep from exploding right there in his pants like a teenager.

 

Her breath in sharp jagged gasps, as if she'd forgotten how her lungs functioned in her state of distraction. Only able to focus on moving her tongue to trace his lips. Teasing him with the possibilities it suggested. Short little flicks against him. Longer strokes as it slid between his lips and tangled with his.

 

He gathered her face in his hands, tilted his head so he could reach further, stroking as far as his tongue could reach in long deep pulses meant to explain without words just what he planned for them later.

 

“You know, that doesn't look like friendship to me,” Claire's voice interrupted them like a freezing bucket of water or a train squealing to a halt.

 

Kate nearly jumped from Sawyer's lap, her leg getting caught on a pillow in her attempt to flee. Sawyer grabbed her around the waist to stop her from tumbling to the floor. He gave her a pointed look with a little nod toward the region she had done an excellent job of calling to attention. She bit her kiss swollen bottom lip and buried her face in his shoulder in embarrassment. He ran his hands down her back to soothe her.

 

“Weweregonnaellou.” She mumbled into his neck.

 

“I'm sorry, Kate,” Claire crowed. “I have no idea what you just said.”

 

Kate knew Claire was just giving them a hard time and she didn't really blame her after the run around they'd given her, but getting caught making out like horny teenagers on the couch wasn't exactly her ideal scenario for letting Claire in on recent developments either.

 

Sawyer, seemed relatively unscathed by the whole thing and pressed a kiss to the crown of Kate's head as she sat back and slid to the couch next to him, making sure to pull the pillow that had tripped her up into his lap as she transferred out of it.

 

“I said, we were going to tell you. Tonight, actually. Then you announced your engagement and we didn't want to steal the moment.”

 

“Kate.” Claire flung herself down on the couch next to her friend and wrapped her in a hug. “I'm so happy for the two of you. God, it took you long enough.”

 

“What took them long enough?” Ian asked as he joined the group, taking a seat in the overstuffed chair next to Claire's side of the couch.

 

“They're together. I told you something happened,” Claire smirked.

 

“Ok, but for the interest of settling this fairly, I feel like more information is needed,” Ian objected.

 

“You're just a poor loser,” Claire bantered back.

 

“Did you bet on us?” Kate asked in disbelief. Sawyer's laughter filled the room as he slid his arm around Kate and pulled her back against him.

 

“They sure did, Freckles. You wanna settle the score, or should we leave them hanging?” he asked as she folded her arms across her chest.

 

“I'm tempted to leave them hanging, but I know we won't get any peace until we satisfy their curiosity,” she relented, then asked, “What were the conditions of the bet?”

 

“Well, Miles thinks you've been sleeping together since the day you bumped into each other at the ice cream parlor. Cassidy thought you'd both take another couple of weeks at least. Ian didn't think it would happen at all, because he's a spoil sport, and I said you'd be together by the end of the week,” Claire beamed.

 

“How are you defining together?” Sawyer teased and Claire blushed.

 

Kate slugged him in the gut.

 

“Ouch, sheesh woman,” he grumbled. “Fine.”

 

“You won, Claire. Now can we drop it?” Kate sighed.

 

“For now, but only because we're in mixed company. I expect more details later,” Claire gladly relented.

 

The rest of the evening, which thankfully didn't last very much longer, consisted of small talk and wedding plans. Claire moved over to join Ian in his chair and Kate cuddled in Sawyer's arms. Both men pretending to listen but really just content to spend some time with the women they loved.

 

It was when Sawyer's fingers slipped under the hem of her shirt that Kate called it a night, their gentle circling against her skin woke the flames that had died to mere flickers when they'd been caught earlier in the evening. She'd pulled him out to the truck and was in inside faster than he'd seen her move all night and his stomach twisted in nervous anticipation. He was pretty sure he broke numerous traffic laws on the way to her house.

 

When he stopped the truck she turned and looked at him. He took her hand and she looked down at their joined fingers.

 

“I can't really believe this is happening,” she murmured at the nervous butterflies in her stomach. It wasn't like they were new to this.

 

He reached over and cupped her cheek, pulling her eyes back to his as he brushed his thumb along her cheekbone.

 

“I know,” he agreed, his voice a soft echo of years passed.

 

“Wanna come in?” she grinned and rested her free hand on his thigh.

 

“I thought you'd never ask.”

 

Prying her hand free, Kate nearly leapt from the truck with a smirk. Sawyer wasn't long following, his hands catching her waist as she started to unlock the front door. His fingers digging in all her ticklish spots as she squirmed to escape. His mouth warm and wet on the side of her neck.

 

She fumbled with the keys and they slipped through her fingers, landing with a clank at their feet as he turned her body toward his and captured her mouth. Pressing her back against the door as he pressed his hips into her, she let him take his time. His hands roamed, not content to stay in one place, eager to see what kind of noise they could inspire with each new space they explored. Kate was more than happy to let him find out.

 

She wrapped her leg around his hip, no longer caring for the empty space between her thighs, and he obliged her by hoisting her up enough to allow her other leg a perch around him.

 

“We should go in,” he mumbled into her collarbone.

 

“You'll have to put me down first,” she whimpered as she rocked against him.

 

Objecting to that idea, he tried the handle behind her and she laughed.

 

“It's still locked,” she managed to get out before capturing his lower lip between her teeth.

 

“Son of a bitch,” he growled as she slid a hand between them and nearly dropped her when she found what she'd been looking for. Instead they crashed into the door, his hand coming down hard enough on the wood frame to jar her loose. Her legs slipped from around him and fell to the ground. His hand wrapped around her waist trying to keep her from tumbling over completely.

 

“Sorry,” she murmured sheepishly then slid to her knees to pick up the keys.

 

Sawyer looked down at her and swore.

 

“I swear to god, if you don't get off your knees now I won't be responsible for what happens next,” he spit out before tearing his eyes away.

 

“Sawyer,” she practically purred, but he refused to look back. “Saawyer... Saaaawyer, look at me.”

 

“Freckles...” he warned.

 

“What if I don't want to get off my knees?”

 

He looked back and she smirked, then placed the key ring between her teeth and used his body to slowly pull herself up, rubbing against him the entire time.

 

When she stood before him, he took the keys from between her teeth and placed them in her hand, then turned her around and gave her butt a hard smack.

 

“Open the door and I'll let you stay on your knees for as long as you want.”

 

Giggling, she obliged him and quickly darted inside. He followed close behind, kicking the door closed behind them before grabbing her waist again and pulling her back into his body. His hands under her shirt as his lips found her neck again. Kate dropped the keys once more as her hands reached behind her to grab onto anything they could reach.

 

Sawyer lifted her off her feet and started toward the stairs. She moaned something about locking the door but he ignored her until she broke free of his grasp and turned to face him. Blocking his way with her body, she waited until he turned back around and flicked the lock then stepped back into his arms and kissed his jaw.

 

“Give me a minute?” she asked sheepishly. “I don't want to have to get out of bed again later,” she explained as she picked up her keys and tossed them on the table by the door.

 

“Who says I plan on letting you out of bed again?”

 

“Go up. I'll be up in a minute.”

 

“Don't take too long,” he whispered and placed a kiss on her forehead then made his way to her bedroom where he toed his shoes and socks off then started to unload the pillows from her bed and turn down the covers.

 

She came in a minute later and brushed by him, her fingers trailing across his back as she passed, then disappeared into the bathroom. The soft thunk of the light switch and the gentle click of the door latching behind her, a warm yellow glow under the crack of the door as he pulled his shirt off and unbuttoned his jeans. It struck him then, both of them acting so very domestic, such a contrast to their passionate past.

 

It felt right, like this time things finally fit.

 

He dropped his pants then kicked them into a corner with his shirt, knowing she was going to chide him about it later, then found his way into her bed. Their bed.

 

That's where she found him a minute later, his arms propped behind his head, the way his eyes warmed her skin made her glad she'd made the last minute stop to update her selection of sleepwear that afternoon.

 

He didn't say anything as she flicked off the bathroom light and stepped across the threshold.

 

“You didn't have to...” he whispered and gestured his eyes locked on the plunging neckline and lace panel that barely covered her chest.

 

“I wanted to,” she murmured as she climbed onto the bed next to him, waiting patiently on her knees. His fingers slid over the white satin that sheathed her stomach only to meet bare skin as they wrapped around her side and tugged her closer. The back of the sleek ankle length gown was held together with a series of elaborate ties that his fingers couldn't wait to untangle.

 

He came to his knees next to her, his hands traveling up her back lightly causing her to shiver in anticipation. He smiled at the involuntary move then cupped her face in his hands. Kissed her nose gently before pulling back to whisper.

 

“Hi.”

 

His eyes locked on hers as her hands wrapped around his wrists, still holding her gently as they burned her up.

 

“Hi,” she murmured past the lump of emotion that had somehow gotten caught in her throat.

 

Her eyes sparkled in the dim light and he had to catch his breath at the moment. He wanted to touch every part of her at once, climb inside her and live the rest of his days under her soft skin. He wanted to push her down and claim her body and soul in an instant, but drag each touch into eternity.

 

He could see it in her once sad eyes, that same love that held him in the moment suspended her as well.

 

“Freckles...” he groaned a heartbeat or three thousand later he could no longer tell how time moved or didn't as he ran his hands back down her arms slowly cataloging her skin. The way her body warmed to his fingertips, the slight almost imperceptible way she tilted her hips toward him as her empty body called to him. She whimpered her acknowledgment and tilted her head back, eyes falling closed.

 

His lips found her neck, pulled and trapped her tender skin between his teeth as her hands flew to his hair. Holding him closer as he marked his way across her collarbone and behind her ears. Her body falling forward into his, his hips holding her up as he tasted her.

 

Her fingers tangled in his hair, twisted across his skin as they tumbled down his shoulders and arms. He nipped at her earlobe, tugging it gently between his teeth before letting go and whispering his command against the shell of her ear.

 

“Turn around. I want to open my present,” his voice gruff, ragged with need. She pulled back enough to catch his eye, quirked her eyebrow to match the cute little smirk that played with her lips. He leaned in and stole a quick kiss before adding a rough, “please,” as his hands landed on her hips, fingers curling in possessively.

 

Her heart felt like it would explode with every beat. Needing to feel him, taste him, breath him compelled her to lean forward and capture his lower lip between her teeth. To run her tongue across it before letting go. Her hands found his, fingers locking together as she slowly turned, not breaking eye contact until the very last second.

 

He tugged her body back into his chest as their hands rested on her lower stomach, her cheek pressed against his shoulder his cock pressed against her ass. The silken fabric under his hands gliding against her skin as he rubbed and pulled their hands along her body. He scratched his cheek against her neck, peering over her to watch his fingertips puck at her nipples, her hands wrapped around his wrists as he played her body through the feather light fabric.

 

He turned his eyes to her face and watched as she struggled against the feelings he woke. Her eyes locked closed, mouth open as little gasps of delight tumbled from her lips as he brought their hands lower. His knee pressed between her legs, nudging her open for him as he sat back with her now resting on his thigh. She gripped his wrists harder and he chuckled in her ear before flipping her right hand under his and guiding it to the place she needed the most.

 

Pressing the white gown down with her fingertip, he circled it against that tender place between her thighs and her eyes flew open as she cried out. His other hand traveled back up her body and captured hers, forcing her fingertips to close against her nipple.

 

“Good girl,” he murmured as he pressed a kiss to her temple. “Don't stop.”

 

Letting go of her hands he watched for a moment to make sure she would keep stimulating herself. She pouted for a minute but obeyed and he smiled, rewarding her by pulling her hair over her shoulder and kissing his way down her neck. Pushing her forward gently so he could slip out from under her and continue his way down her back with his lips as his fingers found the tie on her nightgown and began unlacing her.

 

When his lips reached the small of her back and he thought she might be getting a little ahead of schedule he reached around her and pulled her hand from between her thighs. Bringing it to his lips he smiled before capturing it between them and cleaning them with is tongue as his other hand cupped her gently, the fabric between her core and his hand soaked with her essence. She rutted against his hand and he let her fingers slip from his mouth so he could nip at her neck. She quickly reached behind her to hold him to her as she pressed against him once more, trying to find friction enough to finish what he'd started. He let her arch and struggle for a moment, caught in the beauty of her body's need. The hand that wasn't thrown over her shoulder and twisted in his hair held his other hand to her, pressing insistently as she tried desperately to force him closer.

 

“Shhh,” he whispered in her ear and leaned forward causing her to bend at the waist as he let her go and reached for the hem of the gown, she let him drag it against her skin. Her body moving backward with the motion. Up her thighs, over her stomach. His hands pausing only long enough to squeeze her breasts before pulling it over her head and tossing it aside.

 

When he had her free he pressed her down onto her stomach, her hands on the bed beside her, fingertips curling around the bedding as he nipped and sucked his way across her skin. His hands kneading that beautiful ass she had so often tempted him with, then slipping between her thighs to allow him room to explore her further.

 

 

She thought the pleasure might kill her as his stubble scratched at the tender skin of her upper thigh. His hands warm on her skin, holding her open for his mouth and tongue. He pushed her closer and closer to that edge, never letting her over. She thought he might hold her on the edge of heaven forever.

 

He listened to her gasp and moan, held her hips still as she tried to force her tender flesh into his tongue and let off just a little every time he thought she might let go. Tormenting her into desperation.

 

“Sawyer...” she begged. He pulled back and climbed up the bed to rest his face next to hers.

 

“Yes,” he smirked.

 

“I swear to God, if you don't finish what you started I will never let you between my legs again,” she groaned.

 

“Not a problem, Sweetcheeks,” he replied before kissing her on the forehead and then quickly flipping her onto her back and pushing her legs up, his face diving back between her legs where it only took him a few moments to have her seeing stars. He let her ride out her bliss with his tongue pressed against her twitching muscles then with a few last licks he made his way up the front of her. Lingering on her soft belly, enjoying the feel of her breasts in his hands as his tongue laved against her nipples and her heart pounded against her skin. Her body slowly recovering.

 

When her breathing had slowed and she brought her hands back to his head, he pulled back and freed her breast from his mouth in trade for her tongue. She kissed him sloppily, letting him lead as she brought her hands down his back and reach for his ass, cupping him in her hands and squeezing as he pressed himself against her.

 

“You know payback is a bitch,” she murmured into his ear as his lips wandered back to her neck. He paused and pulled back to meet her eyes.

 

“Promise?” he teased as she pushed against his chest and he sat up.

 

“Promise,” she agreed straddling his lap then pushed on his shoulders until his back hit the bed.

 

He didn't mind the new view. Her skin was littered with red marks from his mouth, her breasts were hanging temptingly within reach, and her wet core rubbed against his stomach as he placed his hands on her spread thighs. She leaned over and met his mouth with hers, but this time he let her have the lead, eager to see just how she intended to fulfill her promise.

 

She kissed her way across his jaw, flicked her tongue against his neck and licked at his nipples as she tasted her way over him. He expected her to slide her body over his aching cock as she went but she picked herself up and off of him with a smirk then settled again on his thighs, denying him the pleasure.

 

He groaned as she danced her fingertips across his abs.

 

“How is it that you are still wearing these?” she asked as she snapped the waistband of his boxers against his skin, then traced the outline of his erection through the fabric with her tongue, smirking as his hips jumped off the bed.

 

 

 

“Take them off,” he gasped, all thoughts of a clever comeback lost somewhere in the warmth of her mouth as she tried to engulf him.

 

Happy to oblige she slipped her fingers under the waistband and tugged them free as he lifted his hips then kicked them halfway across the room.

 

“You're going to pick those up later,” she told him and he nodded enthusiastically as she brushed her cheek against his cock then captured it in both hands, guiding it into her eager mouth.

 

His fingers dug into the bedding this time as she took him deeper into her. Her eyes daring him not to look away as she ran her tongue along him.

 

He lasted maybe half a minute before his hands found her cheeks and he begged for her to stop.

 

Grinning she let him slide from her mouth and pull her lips back to his.

 

“I'm not done with that,” she whispered against his lips and he nodded.

 

“Later. I need to be inside you first,” he murmured in her ear and sat up, pulling her into his lap.

 

“We never discussed...” she met his eyes as his fingers danced along her back.

 

“We did,” He rested his forehead against hers. “You asked if I wanted to be a father again...”

 

“So, you wouldn't mind some adorable demons?” she teased remembering their conversation not so long ago.

 

He smiled pulled back and traced a finger down her nose and across her cheekbones.

 

“Only if they have your freckles.”

 

“Really?”

 

“Turns out your it, Freckles. My white picket fence, 2.5 kids, damned American dream.”

 

“Yeah?”

 

“Forever,” he grinned like the lovestruck dope he was.

 

“Mine too,” she grinned back has he slipped his hand between them and guided himself home.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


	33. A New Life With An Old Love

_If there's one thing that I know to be true  
Is that I'm in love with you, is that I'm in love with you_

_And I don't care if everyone knows what we're going through  
Cause all the roads lead back to you_

_On and on and on we pray, we can break into a brighter day_  
_Nothing worth anything ever goes down easy_  
 _On and on and on we go, I don't understand this windy road_  
 _Nothing worth anything ever goes down easy_

_And we'll keep on, keep on climbing on down this narrow line  
So we can see the other side, the other side_

 

On and On

 

_Mat Kearny_

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

He woke with her head under the sheet and a grin on his face, his body relaxing into a nice little afterglow. He picked up the sheet to look down at her and she licked her lips, then grinned back.

 

“Sleep well?” she teased, climbing up his body to rest in the hollow next to him.

 

“I was having this amazing dream about a hot blonde and an ally behind...” she interrupted him with her fist against his chest in pretend outrage.

 

“You're right she was a redhead...” he teased and she rolled her eyes.

 

“Shame you had to wake up then.” His arm tightened around her as he kissed her cheek.

 

“Naw. I don't even remember her,” he whispered against her lips before pinning her under him and slipping his tongue into her mouth. His fingers found that ticklish spot under her rib cage and her laughter filled the room.

 

He pulled back as she tried to catch her breath and stop laughing, his heart damn near breaking with how happy he was.

 

“What?” she asked after she'd settled and he was still staring down at her with that glazed over look.

 

“Are you happy?” he asked and she smiled, the warmth in her chest leaking into the words that spilled from her mouth.

 

“I've never been happier.”

 

For the first time in her life she didn't wish for anything more, didn't want anything different. Just to be here in the moment with him. Safe and content. It almost brought tears to her eyes when she thought of how much they could have missed.

 

He rubbed his nose against her cheek as if he knew her thoughts. Her fingers curled with his as their hands rested above her heart. His other hand played in her hair, brushing it away from her face.

 

“I bet I can make you happier,” he murmured after giving her a moment. She turned her head to rest nose to nose on the pillow next to him.

 

“Prove it,” she challenged him and he eagerly obliged her.

 

The next hour was spent much like the previous night, with touch and taste and little and loud whimpers and moans, every minute more dear than the last.

 

“You're going to kill me,” he groaned as he rolled off of her out of breath.

 

“You're the one who seems bent on beating records,” she said stretching and pulling the blankets over her.

 

“What can I say, Freckles? You inspire me to achieve greatness,” he murmured into her shoulder, pressing a kiss there and letting his hands roam.

 

“And by greatness you mean?” she sighed contently, closing her eyes and enjoying the way his fingers danced across her stomach.

 

“Always making you scream my name one more time,” he growled and nipped at her ear.

 

She couldn't fault him for that; she wasn't exactly objecting to his determination. He did have a point though, she thought as she turned her back to him and let him wrap his arms around her, twist his legs with hers. She was actually damn impressed with their stamina.

 

“Guess we better give you a rest then, old man. I'm not ready to let you go yet,” she murmured pulling his arms tighter around her.

 

“I'm never letting you go, so I wouldn't worry to much about it if I were you,” he pressed his words into the back of her neck enjoying the sweet sticky scent of her skin.

 

Her fingers were going to leave marks on his arms, they dug into him so quickly and sharply. He rolled her onto her back to see that his arms weren't the only thing she'd fastened on to. Her lip was also caught between her teeth, so he pressed his finger to her chin to free it.

 

“You can't promise that.”

 

Her voice was cold and uncertain, terror not hiding all that well in her eyes.

 

Except she was wrong, he could.

 

“I can damn well try. I know we haven't had great luck before, but I've got to believe we're still here for a reason.”

 

“Yeah?” She wanted to believe him. He could see that much in her hopeful expression and feel it in the way her body relaxed its death grip on him.

 

“Yeah.”

 

She nodded but remained quiet for a few minutes, her mind processing something. He loved watching her like this; her brain going through a million options before she settled on one. He knew she was working up the courage to broach something, but when she finally spoke he was surprised by her words.

 

“Do you believe in an afterlife, Sawyer?”

 

He supposed it was a natural progression, but naked in bed with her for the first time—technically ever he supposed, since he'd never actually managed to free her of her clothing in that bed on the island—was not where he'd hoped to talk about his thoughts on heaven and hell. Sending her to a state of near heaven, sure. But actual discussion on what happens after death, not so much.

 

“I don't know. Maybe,” he offered not sure where she was going with it. He knew she believed, but he didn't know why it mattered at the moment.

 

“Do you think they'd be happy about this?” she hesitated, “Us. I mean the fact that we've finally found something amazing with each other.”

 

He'd never really stopped to think about if they'd even be paying attention. Sure part of him hoped that somehow Juliet's soul continued somewhere and was happy, but he never thought about her sitting around watching him live his life. It had always been more about what his memory of her would think than the actual person.

 

“If there is an afterlife, I'd hope they had better things to do than sit around watching us,” he admitted as he traced his finger along her jaw, “But yes, I do think they'd be happy for us, Kate. I'd be happy for them if things were the other way around. Wouldn't you?”

 

He made a good point. If Jack had lived she'd have wanted him to find happiness again.

 

“Yeah.” Still she couldn't help but wonder. “Do you think we'll see them again? If there is an afterlife I mean.”

 

He wondered how awkward that might get. _'Yeah, we love each other. Got married. Had a few kids. Did you want to talk about it?'_ Awkward or not though, he wasn't going to stop living his life over a conversation that could potentially never happen.

 

“I don't know. Does it bother you that we could?” he questioned, eager to hear her thoughts on the matter. It wasn't like he was ever going to let Jack have her back.

 

“It's only...” she hesitated.

 

“What?” he question and she turned her head away from him, “No, come on. You know you can tell me anything,” he urged as he captured her face in his hands and directed her eyes back to him; cradling her there and offering her the physical strength to hurdle whatever it was that had upset her.

 

“I know what I want. I know that if I was faced with the choice again, I know what I'd choose.”

 

Her tone implied that maybe he didn't.

 

“You're afraid I don't.”

 

It was a statement, not a question, and she immediately felt bad for it. She knew he wasn't just going to throw her to the side if the option presented itself. The last thing she wanted was for him to think she felt any other way.

 

“No...” Well mostly, she knew, “I don't know,” she admitted. He simply shook his head and pulled her to his chest, letting her cheek rest against his skin.

 

“It's just that I saw how much Juliet meant to you and I get to spend the rest of my life with you. I don't know, it seems a little unfair to them.”

 

And it did. They got to be happy together and have a life. The people they loved just got... Well whatever happens after death.

 

“How so?” he asked tilting his head down as she tilted hers up.

 

“They died so we could be together. If we all meet up again after death, I don't want to question what we have now.”

 

He didn't understand how the existence of an afterlife meant questioning the amazing wonderful thing they'd found together.

 

She could see she lost him somewhere so she sat up and climbed on his lap, pulling him up to face her. This was something she was serious about and she didn't want him to brush it off with kisses and cuddles. He was too good at distracting her with his lips and hands; and while it was nice, she didn't want to have that nagging doubt in the back of her mind forever.

 

“I don't want to think that this is just something to fill time until we die and you get to run back to her,” her voice cracked and he thought she might actually burst into tears at the ridiculous notion.

 

He didn't know how he had not made it clear with the five different orgasms he'd given her in the last twelve hours, that he was completely and utterly devoted to her.

 

“Whoa. Slow down,” he whispered, “First off this is all just hypothetical,” he kissed her forehead, “Secondly, you are never _just_ anything. You _never_ have been,” his voice stern and clear. He needed her to actually hear him because he was not going to entertain the idea that she didn't know she was everything to him.

 

“I know.”

 

She did know that he was loyal to her and that might be part of what bothered her. She knew he would do everything in his power to make her happy and she had spent so much time on that island with him caught up in what she needed and forgetting he might need things too. She didn't want to be selfish with him anymore. She wanted him to feel as much happiness as he had given her, even if it meant she'd have to give him up eventually. She just wasn't very keen on the idea of giving him up.

 

“I just don't want you staying with me if it turns out you'd be happier with her,” she admitted.

 

While he could understand her reasoning, it was faulty.

 

“Ok, but I wouldn't be,” he tried to explain, “I love you, Kate. Yes, I loved Juliet too. But you're kind of everything to me, Freckles. That's not going to change,” she tried to interrupt and he pressed his finger to her lips before continuing, “Ever,” she grabbed his hand away and opened her mouth but he shook his head, “Even if we die and our exes are there waiting for us.”

 

“I think I'd feel better if you promised me you'd at least give her a shot, so I don't sit up there always wondering if you two could have made it work,” she crossed her arms and pouted.

 

“You are crazy,” he sighed, not quite clear how they were still talking about it, “Ok then, if I have any control over my afterlife I'll talk to her,” he offered.

 

“Sawwwyer.”

 

Clearly she felt that wasn't enough, but it was all he was going to give her.

 

“Kaaate.”

 

She narrowed her eyes at him.

 

“Forever is a really long time and I think you own it to all of us to find out for sure.”

 

He wanted to laugh at the sassy tone, but wisely held back.

 

“What about Jack?” he questioned, gripping her hips and helping her readjust on his lap to remind her of his feelings.

 

“After last night? Jack who?” she smiled sweetly, happy to feed his hungry ego. He deserved it after all the work he'd put in. He hadn't been kidding about making her scream his name.

 

“If I have to see if I can make things work with Juliet—which is the stupidest idea you've had yet by the way—then you have to promise to see if you can make it work with Jack,” he tried to negotiate. Maybe if the shoe was on the other foot she'd see how silly she was being.

 

“I can't. I already know that, but if it makes you happy then fine,” she agreed a bit too eagerly for his liking, but he let it slide. Sometimes it was just easier to let her think she won.

 

He was pretty sure when she kissed him it was only a consolation prize.

 

“You know I'm going to run right back to you, right?” he admitted when she pulled away.

 

“Maybe.”

 

“What about our kids? How do you want to explain that to them?”

 

Her smile softened a little, her eyes grew a little dreamy and he could help but press a hungry kiss to her lips.

 

“Kids huh?” she teased a little bit breathless, “Well hopefully by the time any of them join us, Jack and Juliet will be long gone,” her voice dropped to that low sexy tone that his body responded to almost instantly.

 

“You've got this all planned out, huh?” he growled and returned to her lips.

 

“Maybe,” she gasped when he found that sensitive spot behind her ear. Her fingers gripped his shoulders as she pushed down against him rewarding him for his hands on her ass. He loosened her grip and guided her back to the bed, letting her slip from his lap and enjoying the view of her spread out before him. He considered how he could get her to never put on clothing again for a moment before offering her another option.

 

“What if this heaven isn't like that at all? What if it's just one big room were you meet up with all the people who were important to you in this life on your way to something else?” he asked as she stared back up at him.

 

“Like reincarnation?”

 

“Yeah, why not?”

 

She grinned devilishly.

 

“Ok, then you should have no trouble at all spending our waiting period with Juliet, as long as I get you again in the next life we have.”

 

Trust her to have a backup plan.

 

“What if in the next life we're pigs...or cows...or smoke monsters?” he joked as his fingers found her ticklish places again.

 

“Now you're the one that's being stupid,” she complained with a straight face as his fingers dropped away.

 

“You want me to leave you after we die, but I'm the stupid one?” he questioned slowly to ensure she heard the insanity.

 

“Ok, I get how it sounds,” she sighed and grabbed his hands, “and I know it's silly. It's just that I don't want to ever hold you back.”

 

Her eyes begged him to understand her 'silly fears' and he decided that he could. It would cost him nothing. Even if there was an afterlife, he would still find his way back to her. He always did.

 

“You won't,” he promised. His soft smile made her heart melt, and the quiet reassurance in his eyes made her feel safe and secure. Like she had finally found a home.

 

He laced his fingers with hers and just held her hands, watching her in silence as she stared back.

 

“I kind of like your reincarnation theory though. Like maybe we've been finding each other over and over again from the beginning of time,” she said softly, after a moment.

 

“Maybe,” he agreed.

 

It did sound nice. The idea of forever with her wasn't one he could object to. And it would explain how every time he held her, he felt like nothing could touch them. How her laugh was the only sound he wanted to hear, and her kisses felt like salvation. She was his heaven and he was going to try his hardest to prove he deserved her.

 

“What would you want to be in a past life?” she asked, placing her feet flat against his chest.

 

“Besides in love with you?” he grinned as she tugged on his hands and walked her feet up and down his body, using him as her own personal jungle gym.

 

“Be serious,” she objected, dropping her feet entirely.

 

“I am serious. I'm damn serious,” he probably shouldn't have punctuated it with a chuckle. Her pout was just too damn cute not to though.

 

“Saawyer,” she whined.

 

He dropped down on top of her, trapping her under his body, resting on his elbows on either side of her head.

 

“Marry me?”

 

“Funny,” she smiled pushing against his chest but he wouldn't budge.

 

“I'm serious. Marry me.”

 

He was and she wanted to, but not yet.

 

“Ask me tomorrow,” she whispered instead.

 

So he did, and every tomorrow that followed it.

 

He asked her the day he gave up his apartment. The day she quit her job. He asked her twice the day she told him he was going to be a father again. When their little girl was born he brought a ring to the hospital and asked her there. Four years later when she found out she was going to give him another child he told her she'd have to marry him because they were going to need to get a bigger place and he wanted their names to be the same on the paperwork. She'd asked why he thought she'd change her name for him and told him to ask again tomorrow.

 

It wasn't until she was almost ready to give birth almost five years from the day he first asked her, when she asked him.

 

He woke up to the sound of their delightful toddler throwing a fit in the hall outside of their bedroom and Clem's insistent, “No.” He knew it wouldn't be long before one of them would have to intervene but Kate's eyes on him held him in place.

 

“Marry me?” she smiled.

 

“Good morning to you too,” he pulled her down for a kiss and contemplated more but the kid swimming around inside her stomach sometimes made her cranky in the mornings and he'd found it was always best to let her initiate morning sex if he actually wanted to have morning sex. “That's my line, Freckles.”

 

“I know, but you haven't asked yet today,” she chirped and reached under the blankets to fondle him.

 

Foolish him, not asking her while he was sleeping. Still if she was going to tug on him as punishment he was more than happy to allow it. He groaned as she flicked her thumb over a particularly sensitive spot and he pulled her hand away so he wouldn't embarrass himself.

 

“I wasn't planning on rolling over and asking you to spend the rest of your life with me over a quickie,” he explained as his hands found her waist and tried to tug her onto his lap.

 

“Why?” she sighed softly, letting him have his way with her.

 

“Because, today...” he paused to let her adjust, when she nodded he continued “is the first day of your freedom,” he grunted, “and I wanted to make it special.”

 

He'd planned to take her away now that she no longer had to report to anyone. He was going to take her anywhere in the world, wherever she wanted. Claire and Ian were going to watch the kids and the dog while they were going to drink expensive drinks and eat chocolate cover strawberries and fancy little cheeses. Then he was going strip her naked and rain all kinds of love and adoration on her skin and only ask after she'd screamed his name for the third time. He had it _all_ planned.

 

He was not going to ask her with her nightgown around her waist and the kids yelling in the hall while the damn dog barked to be let out.

 

Her head tilted back and she bit her lip, her hips agonizingly slow.

 

Though the nightgown around her waist part was particularly genius on her end, he thought moving his hips toward her as he bit his own lip and tried to concentrate on making things last a little longer.

 

“I know, that's why I'm asking you,” she grinned and he stilled her with his hands on her hips.

 

“No. That's not fair. _Five years_ , sweetheart. _You_ do _not_ get to take this away from me.”

 

She thought it was adorable, the way he was going to pout about it.

 

“Ok,” she said ignoring him as she reached over to the bedside table and pulled the ring he used every day from the drawer. She slipped it on her finger then held her hand out to admire it.

 

“What are you doing?” he cried out. It wasn't right, he'd asked every day faithfully. Given her everything she'd ever wanted and she was going to sit there and just... just...

 

“Marry me?” she smiled and asked again sweetly.

 

“Fine,” he spit out.

 

“You don't sound thrilled,” she pointed out, as she shifted on him reminding him that he'd gotten everything he wanted too. Was in fact currently getting something he loved almost more than anything.

 

“You _stole_ my moment,” the exasperation in his voice was hard to miss.

 

“Yup, but I'll change my name if it makes you feel better,” she offered gently as a compromise, and started moving again.

 

“A little,” he admitted. The rhythm of her hips didn't hurt either.

 

“Hey Sawyer?” she paused until he opened his eyes again to look at her. She laced her fingers with his. He squeezed her hands before answering.

 

“Yeah.”

 

“I love you.”

 

There were a million words in his eyes, but he wisely chose to voice none of them.

 

She was glad he didn't make a big deal out of her confession. He never would either. He told her all the time that he loved her, but never once expected to hear it back. He knew how she felt about him and about those words, so the fact that they ever passed her lips was blessing enough. He'd never draw any kind of attention to them until she asked him to; and if she never asked him to, that would be ok too.

 

Instead he reached up and ran a finger down her cheek, cupping her face gently, shifting enough in the process to make her eyes roll back as she came undone. Holding her until she came back to herself.

 

That was when the situation in the hall took a sharp turn toward disaster, their daughter's cries became shrieks and Clem's temper reached its breaking point. His soon to be wife climbed off of him, readjusted her clothing and carefully tucked him back in with an apology in her eyes.

 

“I'll come back,” she promised making her way to the door.

 

He nodded and tried to think of something less pleasant than the way her hips swayed as she walked away, while he waited for her return.

 

“If you don't, I'll find you,” he promised as her hand reached for the doorknob. She turned around and smiled back at him.

 

“You always do.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


	34. Epilogue- A Timeless Love

 

 

  
_Come to me my sweetest friend_  
_Can you feel my heart again_  
_I'll take you back where you belong_  
_And this will be our favorite song_  
_Come to me with secrets bare_  
_I'll love you more so don't be scared_  
_When we're old and near the end_  
_We'll go home and start again_

 

Come To Me

 

_Goo Goo Dolls_

 

 

**An undetermined time later...**

 

 

 

 

Kaitlin sighed as she pushed her way passed the other passenger's on the train and finally broke free of the crowd. She was late and Jackson was going to be angry. It wasn't like she could help it though. He was the one that chose a bar on the other coast for drinks. Add that to the fact that he'd chosen a novelty bar and he was lucky she was showing up at all, it was only because his marriage papers had finally been approved.

 

Her stomach gurgled it's discontent, transcontinental travel always left her feeling a little off, but she'd do anything for her brother. So a quick train ride wasn't really out of the question.

 

It didn't take long to find the place.

 

It stood out against its steel and glass backdrop. End Of The Road looked like a picture from an historical text, welcoming compared to its cold minimalist neighbors. Doors that opened out instead of sliding in. Actual windows instead of paneled screens that mimicked the exterior or played whatever you needed when asked.

 

There was even a delightful smell when she pulled the heavy door toward her; like old books or memories. Comforting because it was familiar, even if most the books she'd seen in her life had been locked behind glass to preserve them.

 

It didn't really seem like Jackson's kind of place but it spoke to her on so many levels. She wondered how he'd found it. Patsy Cline played in the background and she smiled, Jackson hated classical artists like Patsy.

 

The bar was surprisingly empty for a Friday night. It was a shame, there weren't many places left like it. She'd heard that most of Denver's original architecture had been lost or beyond repair after the Fall. It was nice to see that something had survived. She'd been in enough reproductions to know that there was a difference. Standing in this bar felt like time had stood still. There was a weight, a burden or something heavy in the air, like history was actually part of that air. She could breathe it in, let it saturate her skin. Newer buildings just didn't have the same depth.

 

“Kait!” she heard Jackson call from the other side of the room and turned to see him sitting next to his fiancee Julia in front of the most realistic barkeeper she'd ever encountered. She didn't know they'd ever manufactured them with so much detail, or so attractive. Hell, even the service bots designed for pleasure weren't that good. It had to cost the corporation that owned the place a hell of a lot, but it seemed to fit with the overall theme.

 

“Hey Jack,” she greeted her twin with a hug then hugged Julia as well. “How'd you find this place?” she asked trying not to stare at the barkeeper. She couldn't for the life of her figure out how they'd created him. The technology behind his skin alone must have cost millions.

 

“Jules knows the guy who owns the place,” Jack offered as Kait climbed up on the stool next to him.

 

“Really?” It was odd for any place to be privately owned these days, let alone a recreation establishment.

 

“He's great, you're going to love him,” Julia explained then turned toward the barkeeper bot and yelled, “Hey Jamie. She's here.”

 

Kaitlin nearly jumped out of her skin when she realized that Julia was in fact talking to the bot behind the counter.

 

“I'm sorry but he's and he's not...” Kait sputtered. She'd never encountered an actual person behind a bar before. That job had been erased before her grandparents had been engineered.

 

“Give it a minute, Freckles.” the man—not bot—smiled and placed a glass in front of her. “A lot of people have the same reaction.”

 

“I thought you told her,” Julia laughed and slugged Jack in the arm.

 

“And miss that? Not in your life,” Kaitlin thought he was getting way too much enjoyment out of the whole situation as she wrapped her hand around the glass.

 

“Sorry,” she apologized, “I've just never...”

 

“Like I said, it's fine. I've never much cared for bots. Too impersonal if you ask me,” Jaime smiled.

 

Kait had never really thought about it before. They'd just always been there taking care of things. She didn't need the machine that brought her drink, or food to say hello. Jamie's blue eyes smiled back at her as he waited for her to recover. There might be something nice about it though.

 

As she was pondering how different the world might be with actually people doing bot functions and not at all noticing the nice shape of Jamie's arms, she picked up her glass and drained it, only to cough and sputter as she set it back on the counter. Jackson laughed and Julia just rolled her eyes as Jamie reached over the counter and put his hand on her shoulder to steady her.

 

“Whoa,” Jamie smiled, “Guess he didn't tell you we serve the real stuff here either.” Kait shook her head as she tried to recover. She'd only had the privilege of enjoying a real alcoholic beverage once, when she and Jackson had graduated from their secondary education. Real alcohol was a rare and pricey commodity and most people only ever got to experience the chemically farmed knock off which packed none of the punch and had almost none of the side effects as well.

 

She glared at her twin and he shrugged. He'd never been one for pranks before he met Julia. Always too busy trying to save the world, when Jules had come along and helped him relax Kait had been grateful. Though his current fascination left something to be desired.

 

“Thanks,” she murmured as Jamie let go of her shoulder and wiped a clean towel across the counter in front of her, pretending not to notice as the vision in front of him turned to her brother and whispered something in his ear.

 

Jamie had met Jack before of course. He'd never be good enough for Julia, but he seemed to make her happy so Jamie reluctantly went with it. Jack's sister however, was more than a little intriguing, and though he had other customer's he was loathe to tear himself from the group. There was something familiar about the tilt of her lips and the way her green eyes sparkled. When she'd walked up to the counter he'd felt an odd sort of deja vu and a strange tug at his heart.

 

“Don't worry about it,” Jackson soothed, a hand on his sister's.

 

Kait raised her eyebrows at him. That drink she'd practically spit across the bar was worth probably more than she made in a year.

 

“No really, Kait. It's Jamie's wedding present,” Jackson explained.

 

Kait's eyes took in the nearly empty bar before turning back to the man behind the counter. She wondered just how he could afford to give away anything. There was a reason corps owned everything.

 

Jamie laughed at her puzzled expression.

 

“This place is invitation only, Kaitlin,” Julia explained, “You two should be ashamed of yourselves,” she chided the boys who seemed to find Kaitlin’s discomfort more than a little enjoyable. “Jamie is doing quite well for a _Unmodified_ from nowhere.”

 

“Why'd you gotta use that word like it's dirty?” Jamie asked as he turned to face Julia, “I happen to think two people letting nature run its course is beautiful,” he turned to face Kait again, “What do you think Kaitlin, did I turn out ok without any genetic manipulation?”

 

He winked at her and she had the strangest feeling in her gut. The image of him making a child the old fashioned way tried to interrupt her thoughts as well, but she banished it before she could add a woman to the equation and instead offered him a nod to answer his question.

 

When he smiled she could swear she felt it in her blood.

 

He watched her cheeks flush a beautiful shade of pink, and her little tongue dart out to lick her top lip. He didn't think he'd ever been so aware of another person in his life.

 

She felt like she was on fire and thought she might die if he didn't look away, so when a glass shattered somewhere in the bar and he scowled and excused himself, she took a deep breath, grateful for the reprieve.

 

She wondered if he was always so intense.

 

“Unmodified?” she questioned Julia after he'd left them. “How does an Unmodified own a bar that sells actual alcohol?”

 

Julia laughed.

 

“He's from this little town in the mountains of Tennessee. No one is engineered there, I guess the area is so remote he didn't even know about the tech until he left. They do know how to make alcohol there though. He actually makes his own. He claims it's how he could afford a place like this but he ran with some rough people when we first met and I know he wasn't always on the right side of the law,” she explained.

 

“Why doesn't he fill this place every night? I would,” Jackson asked. Kait agreed, a license to sell actual liquor wasn't easy to get and not always guaranteed to be renewed.

 

“Because it's not about the money,” Jamie offered watching Kait blush again as he returned to the group, “It's about recreating moments time's forgotten. But if it was about the money, I'd tell you that people will pay more to enjoy their beverage in a bar that isn't overflowing with other people,” he winked, “It's another reason I don't put a bot behind the bar,” he met her eyes again, “It's more intimate,” he nearly growled.

 

Kait took a moment to look at her companions to see their reaction to his tone, but they didn't seem to notice. Maybe she was just imagining things.

 

“Oh, he's also got all these silly notions about how people are really just desperate for a return to simpler times,” Julia teased then pointed to her empty glass. Jamie rolled his eyes and grabbed a bottle from behind him to fill it.

 

“That reminds me. You're not going to believe this Kait, but he actually loves that dumb author you were nuts about in school,” Jackson smirked as he picked up his glass, “You know the one...”, he turned to Jules, “You know she actually made us spend a family trip visiting his grave site,” then turning to his sister, “Help me out here... The one with the memorial with him and his wife.”

 

“You like James Ford's writing?” Jaime asked, with raised eyebrows, “Not many people have even heard of him. What's your favorite?”

 

“I can't sit through this conversation again. I've heard enough about this Ford guy for fifteen lifetimes. You want to play some darts?” Jackson asked his fiancee. Julia nodded in what looked to be relief and the two of them quickly made their getaway.

 

Kaitlin seemed to come alive under Jamie's eyes.

 

“This is going to sound silly because it's not even his best work but--” she hesitated for a minute and he cut her off.

 

“ _I can't remember living before you, maybe there just wasn't anything worth remembering,_ ” he quoted, and it hit her.

 

“I can't believe... your bar... You named it after the book?” It made sense. Much of the book took place in a time where bars like his had been a frequent occurrence. Maybe that's why it had seemed so familiar, because she'd spend countless hours locked in the lines of the story that it inspired it.

 

Jaime shrugged and wiped at an imaginary spot on the counter before sheepishly making eye contact again. Not many men would admit to loving what equated to little more than a glorified romance novel. Especially to a gorgeous woman who—according to Jules anyway—was very unattached.

 

“Jake and Maggie are a weak spot,” he admitted, “Growing up my grandmother had this old beat up copy, she used to read it to me.”

 

What he didn't say was that he used to beg her to read it or that he used to imagine finding a girl like Maggie because he'd always felt like he was Jake. Not literally of course. It was just that Jake's story always felt so real to him, like he understood Jake in away that maybe no one but the author did.

 

“I had this teacher who had an old file,” Kait murmured, a far off look in her eyes, like he could see her brain working, “It was part of some research project he'd done about Ford's daughter actually, Clementine Littleton. I don't know, I just read it and it felt so real,” she paused, then focused back in on him, “It was the first time a book had really spoken to me. To this day I don't think I've ever read something that touched me the same way.”

 

His smile was warm and thoughtful, like he understood better than anyone else ever had.

 

“Have you read the biography that Littleton wrote about him?” he asked as he set his towel down and poured her another drink, “Jake and Maggie were supposed to be based on him and his wife.”

 

“Yes, I loved it,” she admitted enthusiastically, “Can you imagine 63 years with someone?”

 

His heart seemed to melt with her sweet expression. They'd only just met, but he felt as if he'd known her for lifetimes.

 

“Their friends used to say that they were both too stubborn to go first. He told everyone he made a promise to never leave her and he intended on keeping it. He did in the end too,” his voice quiet and reflective. In truth the only thing he'd enjoyed more than the book was learning about the man who'd written it.

 

“I know he was over 100 when he died but I've never actually heard the story,” she wondered briefly how this man from nowhere had become so knowledgeable on the subject, but he seemed full of surprises and she was honestly glad that he knew so much. It gave them something to talk about and she very much enjoyed talking to him.

 

He remembered when he'd first heard the story himself, how it had hit him hard. He looked around to see if anyone needed anything before stepping out from behind the bar and sitting in the seat Jack had left.

 

“It was very sudden actually,” he started, “His wife, Kate—which is a beautiful name by the way,” he smiled at her and she blushed and looked away, “Anyway she had some kind of medical emergency and they rushed her to the hospital but couldn't save her. He never left her side,” Kait shifted a little closer, her hand on the counter next to where he rested his, “When she passed he made some calls to their kids and friends then climbed onto the bed beside her. When their kids got there they found him with her. His heart had given out. They determined that he had only outlived her by an hour or so,” he finished and met her eyes.

 

“Their memorial is beautiful. Jack likes to tease me about that trip but ever since I first read the book, I don't know, I just felt like I had to go.”

 

“I've never been. We should go together. It's not that far,” he didn't know if he was asking or telling her what they'd do the first time he took her out. Somehow in his mind she knew that this wasn't going to be a one time thing.

 

“Ok,” she smiled and brushed her pinky along the side of his finger, looking down at their hands she asked, “Did you know, that he actually never planned on publishing?”

 

He nodded and covered her hand with his.

 

“She talked him into it. It was actually his first manuscript but his third book.”

 

“They almost never got together.”

 

“I heard there was something about a dog...”

 

“Yeah... she opened a shelter in honor of it when they moved to...”

 

“Alabama?”

 

“I think so.”

 

She wondered if this is what it felt like for Jake and Maggie, or James and Kate. If they just knew that something special was happening. He wondered why he felt like she was the only woman he would ever need.

 

The door opened and a gorgeous blonde with long curls smiled at them.

 

“Hey Finn, I'm back. Sorry it took so long, Aaron didn't want to go down,” she said as she made her way behind the counter and tied an apron around her waist.

 

“It's alright Mamacita, table in the back corner could use some refills,” Jaime said and the girl moved off to the corner of the room with a pitcher.

 

Clara had worked for him for a few years, and Jaime was glad he was able to help her. She too was from a small town and had just given birth to a little boy, whose father had left them. Though if he was reading things right, the two of them probably wouldn't be alone for long. He'd hired some guys to play some covers a few weeks back and she seemed to hit it off with one of them.

 

“Finn?” Kait questioned, drawing his attention back to her.

 

“Jules is really the only one who uses Jamie,” he offered as explanation. One day he'd tell her about his alias, but it wasn't the kind of thing he wanted to bring up with her brother in the same room.

 

“Alright then... Finn,” she teased.

 

“You know the minute you walked in I knew you were going to be trouble, Freckles.”

 

She was probably going to drive him crazy, but he didn't think he'd mind.

 

“Me?”

 

He was probably going to change her world, but maybe she was ready for that.

 

“Yeah you. I've known girls like you,” he murmured, though he was pretty sure he'd never met anyone like her in this lifetime.

 

“Not exactly like me,” she whispered, though she thought maybe in some other lifetime he had known exactly her.

 

“Prove it,” he dared.

 

It turned out she never could, in any lifetime, because he always did. He always knew her. He always found her, like he always promised to.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AN: This has been seven years in the making but we've reached the end. In the beginning this story was about coming up with a better ending for two characters that I loved but in the end it has become more about learning how to let go of things and move on. I hope that it has brought some kind of conclusion for those characters that were so enjoyable to watch for so long. 
> 
> I've had such a great experience in this fandom and am grateful for all the feedback I've received. Seven years is a long time to continue reading a story and for all of you who have been with me from day one... You're amazing and I love you. I am sorry you had to wait so long. For those of you I've lost along the way, I hope one day you'll stumble back to get the conclusion you deserve. For those of you who don't actually care about Sawyer and Kate but send reviews and notes to try and explain why Jack and Kate are meant to be... I love you, but I don't understand why you're still trying. (Never going to change my mind about this, and I kind of thought that 360+ pages of this story gave that away.)
> 
> It's been a deeply emotional journey for me behind the scenes. Most of my feelings about it at this point actually have very little to do with the show or its characters. Sometimes the line between life and art becomes too thin. 
> 
> There are people who come into our lives that make us who we are. They inspire us. They support us. They believe in us when we can't believe in ourselves. They are the shoulder we cry on and the first people who celebrate our victories. They know us sometimes better than we know ourselves. When we lose them... well sometimes it's hard to remember how to live. It's hard to touch the things you shared. It's almost impossible to finish things without them, because it means saying goodbye, even if they are already gone. Some of you might know that almost four years ago now I lost one of those people. 
> 
> For a long time I couldn't even open the files. Then there were literally years where this story sat open but try as I might I could not make the cursor move. Because this story is as much his as mine. When I read it I can still hear his voice in it. Letting go is bittersweet, because I know he's never going to see it in it's finished form. So I hope you'll forgive me for rambling on but I can't help but leave this note for him. 
> 
> Lance. You changed my life in so many ways. Turns out I had my own manuscript after all. Funny how life works out sometimes. I'm going to have so many things to tell you when I see you again. Maybe there's a little cafe with outdoor tables where you are. I have to go now, but I'm never going to forget. Thanks for the amazing ride. I love you. Goodbye.


End file.
